Initiative towards Improving people's interpersonal skills

[sravna]

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In my view one of the major problems that impedes a person's development in career and also his relationships is his inability to interact in the right way with others. What invariably come in the way are his emotions.

Basically emotions can affect you for a very short time and/or for a long duration i.e, acute and chronic. The first one has intensity and the second one has depth. Both can spoil one's peace. If one is able to control one's emotions it could by a long way be his biggest achievement in life. This is because, an equable mind can save and lift your health, your career and your relationships. That would be worth its weight in gold. The question is, can one consciously control one's emotions? Very fortunately, the answer seems to be yes.

If we think why we find it so difficult to control our emotions, we will realize that one of the root causes is that we have some preconceived notions about things and people around us along with some preconceived expectations from them. So we behave in a certain way and expect people to behave in a certain way. If the expectations are belied negative emotions such as anger, fear , disappointment etc surface. If expectations are exceeded positive emotions such as elation etc surface.

So we see that these expectations causes this swing in our emotions and prevent us from being balanced. With rigid beliefs and expectations, emotions cannot be avoided and so the best way to control emotions would be to work on coping up with expectations and reduce its scope in causing emotions.

I am working on a program that will assist people in addressing this problem in an enduring manner. That would help them methodically rid of harmful beliefs and acquire a healthy set of beliefs. They would be able to view the world in a balanced way. This can substantially improve their interpersonal skills and so make them progress personally and in their career.

Any suggestions, enquiries welcome.

 

[renuka]

Good topic.

To a certain extent I dont mind admitting that my interpersonal skills are not that great despite the fact I am in a profession that needs good interpersonal skills ...I totally dislike dealing with difficult people.

(But after joining forum I was felt a bit relieved that some others have less interpersonal skills than me!LOL)

In fact I have ended many friendships that I felt the other person was being difficult even though I did like being friends with them at one time.

Some of us withdraw from difficult situations and difficult people to make ourselves feel better but that comes with a high price..that is you could lose out in career cos you fear taking challenges.

So sometimes a high IQ can totally go to waste.

This is one area I wish the medical faculty would consider making a subject for students to learn.

Good move Sravna..I dont mind helping you with inputs.

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

Thanks. I would definitely love to have your help.

 

[sravna]

The next question is, Is it possible to not have expectations in our career and relationships? Expectations have deep rooted causes. One view of reality in which I believe is that the body and mind are just projections of the true self and till the mind recognizes the true self, the mind perceives this projection. An ignorant mind mistakes the projection for reality and hence seeks satisfaction from what it considers as reality i,e. from the external world. So the real problem is that the mind is unaware of the inner self and the possibility that satisfaction can come from within. If our own mind sees this truth it will go on a corrective course. Let me add that one has to differentiate between setting objectives and possessing expectations. There need not be disappointment if the goal is not met but that is not the case if the expectation is not met.


So the answer to the question whether it is possible to be without expectations in career and relationships is that, it is possible. One can have one’s goals as getting promotions or love, but understand the truth that all one needs to do is to give one’s best in achieving one’s goals and not depend on deeds of others. In fact being without expectations makes the mind to give its best and getting promotion or love may automatically accrue in addition to the main benefit of peace. If one can rise above the need to expect something from others one is not likely to experience negative emotions when the goal is not fulfilled. Even in the case of setting goals, only goals that are not harmful to others will ensure peace.


We will see more on some of the fundamental beliefs of a person and how they could be at loggerheads with maintaining one’s peace and happiness. How to change the beliefs and pave the way for a lasting peace in a person is the objective. I will write about the method to achieve that objective in the subsequent posts.

 

[renuka]

My answers in blue:

The next question is, Is it possible to not have expectations in our career and relationships?

Yes..Its possible...but it takes time to reach that thinking.

The best example in case of career especially if its our own business ..we will realize that ups and downs are inevitable.

The first time we see an up we get happy and the time we see a down we feel unhappy.
Then eventually over the course of time we would realize that ups and downs come in cyclical manners and we cease to worry cos we would have learnt the tricks of the trade on how to keep the business running without the need to get euphoric or depressed.
But as I said..we need to be exposed to the ups and downs before we can be equiposed in all situations.

Coming to relationships..its the same too..after some years expectations drop, becos we would have realized that everything in this world comes with some amount of cyclical changes which is inevitable.

Expectations have deep rooted causes. One view of reality in which I believe is that the body and mind are just projections of the true self and till the mind recognizes the true self, the mind perceives this projection. An ignorant mind mistakes the projection for reality and hence seeks satisfaction from what it considers as reality i,e. from the external world. So the real problem is that the mind is unaware of the inner self and the possibility that satisfaction can come from within. If our own mind sees this truth it will go on a corrective course. Let me add that one has to differentiate between setting objectives and possessing expectations. There need not be disappointment if the goal is not met but that is not the case if the expectation is not met.


I dont worry on these lines of projection of mind and body.
I feel practical experience is the best teacher of life.


So the answer to the question whether it is possible to be without expectations in career and relationships is that, it is possible. One can have one’s goals as getting promotions or love, but understand the truth that all one needs to do is to give one’s best in achieving one’s goals and not depend on deeds of others. In fact being without expectations makes the mind to give its best and getting promotion or love may automatically accrue in addition to the main benefit of peace. If one can rise above the need to expect something from others one is not likely to experience negative emotions when the goal is not fulfilled. Even in the case of setting goals, only goals that are not harmful to others will ensure peace.

One does not have to set goals based on the gold standard of society..the most important thing is being happy in what we undertake.
Sometimes what makes us happy might look like an underachievement for society but that does not really matter as long we are contended.


We will see more on some of the fundamental beliefs of a person and how they could be at loggerheads with maintaining one’s peace and happiness. How to change the beliefs and pave the way for a lasting peace in a person is the objective. I will write about the method to achieve that objective in the subsequent posts.

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

Expectations may not drop with experience. The bar is constantly being set higher once we reach goals and the expectations remain. What I am saying is to set things right at a more fundamental level by questioning many of the fundamental beliefs that we have and look at reality in a totally different way.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

Expectations may not drop with experience. The bar is constantly being set higher once we reach goals and the expectations remain. What I am saying is to set things right at a more fundamental level by questioning many of the fundamental beliefs that we have and look at reality in a totally different way.

Dear Sravna,

When one has greed..expectations get higher and higher even though the situation does not improve.

I will give you an example.

I have a friend who is also a doctor..on slow days when there are less patients he does this..he sets a target that he needs to get RM 2000 for the day and when he sees that the patient load for the day is less..he starts charging more and does unnecessary tests to make sure he reaches his RM 2000 target for the day.

But the rest of us dont do that..if patient load is less for the day..it just means less income for the day cos its not right to overcharge anyone just to fill our pockets.

Those who think right know that each day is different..some days we get lots of patients and some days patients are less..so over all the income evens out.When we do not have greed we take time to analyze and set goals that are within the reach of both doctor and patient.

But that doctor friend of mine sets goals higher and higher each day..he might be very rich but in the long run such money if you ask me is not worth it.

 

[sravna]

Dear Sravna,

When one has greed..expectations get higher and higher even though the situation does not improve.

I will give you an example.

I have a friend who is also a doctor..on slow days when there are less patients he does this..he sets a target that he needs to get RM 2000 for the day and when he sees that the patient load for the day is less..he starts charging more and does unnecessary tests to make sure he reaches his RM 2000 target for the day.

But the rest of us dont do that..if patient load is less for the day..it just means less income for the day cos its not right to overcharge anyone just to fill our pockets.

Those who think right know that each day is different..some days we get lots of patients and some days patients are less..so over all the income evens out.When we do not have greed we take time to analyze and set goals that are within the reach of both doctor and patient.

But that doctor friend of mine sets goals higher and higher each day..he might be very rich but in the long run such money if you ask me is not worth it.

Dear Renuka,

I am thankful to you that you are giving your insights into the problem.


You are talking about greed which is a desire. I am also talking about other desires which lead one towards undesirable emotions. For example a person may not have greed but be prone to anger or some other emotion. There are a number of people who are grappling with the problem of emotions. The root cause is what that has to be addressed. Don't you agree?

 

[renuka]

For example a person may not have greed but be prone to anger or some other emotion. There are a number of people who are grappling with the problem of emotions. The root cause is what that has to be addressed. Don't you agree?

Dear Sravna,


I think we should try to understand the nature of aggression and anger.

Aggression and anger are inter related though there is a slight difference.

Anger is an adrenaline based fight response.

Some degree of adrenaline based anger is essential for individual survival in emergency situations where one's life could be in danger where we might need to react to defend ourselves.
Its more of a reflex.

Aggression on the other hand has anger as its substratum but its not a reflex.

Aggression is an act where the body acts to the dictates of the mind which has been influenced to react hostilely.

Aggression is dangerous because a person can get carried away and resort to violent destructive acts that endanger others and also self.

So personally I feel anger is a basic reflex human emotion but aggression is a
anger based dangerous reaction.

We need to know the difference.


Yes I agree that almost everyone of us are grappling with problems of emotions.

Right now I am sitting here and someone I know just told me she wants to drop by to see me.

I have mixed reactions when dealing with that person because she always manages to zap my energy and its mentally exhausting to keep up with her cos she is always complaining about everyone except herself.

So very soon in 1 hours time I would be grappling with my own emotions!LOL

But thats just being human..everyone of us comes with emotions.Running away from emotions and trying to be sans emotions almost Mahatma like at times only adds stress to us humans.

I feel accepting the myriads of emotions in us and learning how to divert its harmful effect(if any) should be the name of the game.

Firstly one shouldnt be ashamed to admit that we come with flaws.

Every system has flaws and so does the human system.

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

Flaws are normal, I agree. But when these flaws begin to threaten personal peace and even social order they should be attended to. We are being amiss in this regard and the real concern is we should not let it go out of control.

 

[vignesh2014]

Here i have a basic question? these are all good for discussion. But even someone's basic necessities are not fulfilled what will he do?...He will get more frustrated if his genuine expectations and dire needs are not met...Therefore to think all these, human being or any living being needs his basic needs to be fulfilled. Emotion is a expression of outer worlds indifference to others problems if not monetary at least in terms of sympathetic thinking even if that person does not deserve the sympathy (i.e., brains arguments)..therefore it is better one perceive ourselves in such a situation rather than blindly arguing with words.

 

[vignesh2014]

Yes...As Mr. Shravan told it should be attended to ..it should not be left uncared for without knowing the root of the emotions and the cause and effects of all collective emotions which will sometimes turn into a sudden tsunami.This impact will not be tolerated by the society but this is due to the continuous indifference to the outer world other than our own.
(I hope people are not getting confused by way of my arguments..i don't know how to put it simple)

 

[sravna]

Here is the irony. Ultimately we want to be peaceful and happy. But all that we think and do works against that objective. Then why do we think and act in those ways? The answer is that we are not trained to act the right way. In fact we are not even aware of the right way. Our notions of happiness is a severely limited one and except a lucky few who are born wise, most of us live a quality of life that is far below one is capable of living. Let us consider the continuum of reality ranging from the physical to the spiritual with mental between the two. Our mind mostly derives its happiness from physical comforts and material well being i.e, from a reality which is beneath it. Evidently the quality of happiness will be significantly lower than that it would derive from the spiritual reality which is above it.


What sort of happiness can we derive from the spiritual reality? We can adhere to universal and timeless values and be righteous in our thoughts and actions. That would elevate the mind to a higher level and help it derive peace and harmony that the spiritual reality signifies. If one doesn't believe in different types of realities one has to just believe that following moral values helps to elevate oneself because one is considering the concerns of others and hence displaying a loftier vision whereas one who is prone to enjoying physical comforts is more likely to focus on self and hence displays a narrow vision. The real question now is , which of these two help you to cope up successfully with the problems of the current world, a selfish approach or an approach that considers the welfare of fellow human beings?


Many people including good humans would have grappled with this dilemma and most of them it seems have concluded that it pays to be selfish. Moral values don't matter much and have little utility in providing "happiness" to a person. People seem to have become used to with this type of happiness. The sad fact is as I said earlier people do not seem to believe that it is possible to cope up in any other way. In my view it is not only possible to cope up in a different way but also possible to live a life that is dramatically different and a lot more fulfilling.


I will discuss in subsequent posts what the beliefs of people are that make them behave the way they do and how deep rooted the beliefs have become.

 

[renuka]

Dear Sravna,

The font size you are writing with is too small..its just too hard to read your posts.



I was reading up a little about the Dr Hunter Doherty "Patch" Adams whose life was portrayed by the late Robin Williams in his movie Patch Adams about a rather unconventional doctor who was not afraid to break rules and wanted to instill humor and compassion in treating patients.

When Dr Hunter Adams was a teen, he lost his father and also become a target for bullies at school.

He tried to end his life three times and was hospitalized for being actively suicidal and then one fine day he decided"you dont kill yourself; stupid,you make revolution"

Then it set me thinking that he was absolutely right!

Each time there is a streak of insanity in a person ..he/she starts a revolution of some kind.

Some start a revolution in science and technology..some start a revolution in religion and philosophy.

It seems to be that "insanity" actually changes the world and mediocrity is just in the background.

So Sravna you seem to share some similar thoughts with me about making some subtle changes here and there..for example I always feel the Puranas should be revamped and edited...and now you would like to take initiative towards improving people's interpersonal skills!

So what does that mean?

You and I could be bordering Insanity?LOL

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

No it is not insanity but trying to bring in sanity!

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

No it is not insanity but trying to bring in sanity!

You know..this is exactly what all insane people say!LOL

So we better keep a watch!

 

[Vaagmi]

Here is the irony. Ultimately we want to be peaceful and happy. But all that we think and do works against that objective. Then why do we think and act in those ways? The answer is that we are not trained to act the right way. In fact we are not even aware of the right way. Our notions of happiness is a severely limited one and except a lucky few who are born wise, most of us live a quality of life that is far below one is capable of living. Let us consider the continuum of reality ranging from the physical to the spiritual with mental between the two. Our mind mostly derives its happiness from physical comforts and material well being i.e, from a reality which is beneath it. Evidently the quality of happiness will be significantly lower than that it would derive from the spiritual reality which is above it.

What sort of happiness can we derive from the spiritual reality? We can adhere to universal and timeless values and be righteous in our thoughts and actions. That would elevate the mind to a higher level and help it derive peace and harmony that the spiritual reality signifies. If one doesn't believe in different types of realities one has to just believe that following moral values helps to elevate oneself because one is considering the concerns of others and hence displaying a loftier vision whereas one who is prone to enjoying physical comforts is more likely to focus on self and hence displays a narrow vision. The real question now is , which of these two help you to cope up successfully with the problems of the current world, a selfish approach or an approach that considers the welfare of fellow human beings?

Many people including good humans would have grappled with this dilemma and most of them it seems have concluded that it pays to be selfish. Moral values don't matter much and have little utility in providing "happiness" to a person. People seem to have become used to with this type of happiness. The sad fact is as I said earlier people do not seem to believe that it is possible to cope up in any other way. In my view it is not only possible to cope up in a different way but also possible to live a life that is dramatically different and a lot more fulfilling.

I will discuss in subsequent posts what the beliefs of people are that make them behave the way they do and how deep rooted the beliefs have become.

Dear Sravna,

You have said:
1. We want to be peaceful and happy.--I agree.

2. All that we think and do works against that objective.--How? I want to eat and satisfy my hunger and so I cook. How do I do something which works against the objective? Clarification please.

3. We are not trained to act the right way/we are not even aware of it.--How? I am trained to cook the right way and I do that. I immensely enjoy it too. My awareness level about the art of cooking fairly high and I can teach it to others too.

4. consider the continuum of reality ranging from the physical to the spiritual with mental between the two. Our mind mostly derives its happiness from physical comforts and material well being i.e, from a reality which is beneath it. Evidently the quality of happiness will be significantly lower than that it would derive from the spiritual reality which is above it. --This is just an assertion without base. While there is no clear cut distinction between the three layers mentioned here, there is no reason why one should give more happiness than the other. "Spiritual reality" can give some happiness only when the existence is in a happy state given by a comfortable material reality. For someone in need of food Sayujyam is a lot of BS delivered through a strange medium.

5. one who is prone to enjoying physical comforts is more likely to focus on self and hence displays a narrow vision. The real question now is , which of these two help you to cope up successfully with the problems of the current world, a selfish approach or an approach that considers the welfare of fellow human beings?-- Wrong conclusion. There is a school of thought in Indian Philosophical system which rather believes that physical union of a male and female can give a rare insight and experience into the sayujyam concept and there are extensive research material available on this. It has studied the thought processes involved in the "act", and teaches how the individual's barriers can ultimately be broken to get really "free' etc., While writing about all that here may be out of place, it is worth considering the fact that physical comfort leads to spiritual comfort.

6. Many people including good humans would have grappled with this dilemma and most of them it seems have concluded that it pays to be selfish. Moral values don't matter much and have little utility in providing "happiness" to a person. People seem to have become used to with this type of happiness. The sad fact is as I said earlier people do not seem to believe that it is possible to cope up in any other way. In my view it is not only possible to cope up in a different way but also possible to live a life that is dramatically different and a lot more fulfilling.


Again wrong conclusion. This is just like saying "You are with us or with them. We will bomb you to the stone ages". We are wired in a way which makes us struggle for physical happiness first and then when satiated to look for anything else. We enjoy the struggle and the physical happiness and also the other happinesses which come when we think including the happiness that comes when we realize that we are thinking and understanding these things.

Please continue with your presentation. But please do not make me struggle with fonts. LOL.

 

[sravna]

Dear Shri Vaagmi,

I find that you consider physical happiness as something basic and only when that is taken care of, spiritual happiness makes sense. I agree. One basically needs to survive and partake in materialism to some extent to be in sync with our times. But that is not the real point. The point is, when you are not able to satisfy your appetite for physical happiness, you are very likely to find that come in your way of future happiness. That is after a certain extent, material well being does not correlate positively with happiness and that is when spiritual pursuits can phenomenally increase the quality of your life.

What I am saying is when you reach a certain level of financial comfort you can free yourself of the pressures of society and pursue a path that will give you real comfort and peace. But unfortunately most of us are after more and more money or more and more fame or prestige which do not possess that power to bestow one real happiness. When money and material comforts cease to be the motive people begin to think beyond self. That is my point.

I am happy that you know cooking and enjoy your cooking and are happy about it. Let me clarify that my reference in that regard was only to activities that can take away our peace in the long run . What I have written subsequently should also clarify that.

 

[Vaagmi]

Dear Shri Vaagmi,
when you are not able to satisfy your appetite for physical happiness, you are very likely to find that come in your way of future happiness. That is after a certain extent, material well being does not correlate positively with happiness and that is when spiritual pursuits can phenomenally increase the quality of your life.

Not clear yet. Let me state once again for clarity. If I am hungry I need food to satisfy a pressing need. I go after that and get it and eat. I cannot eat beyond a point because limited food is enough to satisfy my need. Once I have my hunger removed I am happy. After this "well being" I offer whatever excess is there with me to others in need. I know that this "well being" is going to be shortlived because hunger will revisit me. So it is a cat and mouse game in which I keep chasing the "well being" catch it and yet do not retain it for sufficiently long. Where is the scope for spiritual pursuits in this scenario? The happiness from material life is the first step in the ladder for further exploration. Without getting that first step you are for ever stuck. So you have to take my "satiation" input seriously. Only when I am satiated I have time and inclination to look at other avenues for happiness. And importantly, that other happiness can exist only coevally with the happiness from material satisfaction. It does not have an independent existence alone. Quality of life is a loose and subjective term. What is best quality life for you may not be the same for a bartender girl in a bar attached to a Las Vegas gambling den.

What I am saying is when you reach a certain level of financial comfort you can free yourself of the pressures of society and pursue a path that will give you real comfort and peace. But unfortunately most of us are after more and more money or more and more fame or prestige which do not possess that power to bestow one real happiness. When money and material comforts cease to be the motive people begin to think beyond self. That is my point.

This too is partly true and not universally true. I know people participating in a namasamkirtan bhajan going into a trance singing the praise of God and going home to live with unpleasant start realities. I have wondered many a time whether these trances, these short trips into ecstasies are all escapades from reality which is unpleasant. My point in short is that you can never think beyond self because, after all it is the self that thinks.

 

[sravna]

Not clear yet. Let me state once again for clarity. If I am hungry I need food to satisfy a pressing need. I go after that and get it and eat. I cannot eat beyond a point because limited food is enough to satisfy my need. Once I have my hunger removed I am happy. After this "well being" I offer whatever excess is there with me to others in need. I know that this "well being" is going to be shortlived because hunger will revisit me. So it is a cat and mouse game in which I keep chasing the "well being" catch it and yet do not retain it for sufficiently long. Where is the scope for spiritual pursuits in this scenario? The happiness from material life is the first step in the ladder for further exploration. Without getting that first step you are for ever stuck. So you have to take my "satiation" input seriously. Only when I am satiated I have time and inclination to look at other avenues for happiness. And importantly, that other happiness can exist only coevally with the happiness from material satisfaction. It does not have an independent existence alone. Quality of life is a loose and subjective term. What is best quality life for you may not be the same for a bartender girl in a bar attached to a Las Vegas gambling den.

OK let me elaborate. I take your need for satiation seriously. I am not questioning the importance of that need. What I am questioning is its ability to give the same level of happiness that giving your excess to a hungry person and the needy would give. Also,the excess you have is not going to give you additional happiness. So after a certain level I think material things cannot sustain happiness. But let me add that the level of comforts that would satisfy some people may not satisfy others and I think this is where the latter are beginning to lose out on quality happiness. To sum up, material things stop giving happiness after a while and even while they give the happiness, the happiness they give is not of the same quality as those of spiritual pursuits.

My point in short is that you can never think beyond self because, after all it is the self that thinks.

When I say think beyond self I mean be considerate to others and not be insensitive to their feelings. There are people who are that way and so one cannot say that self cannot think beyond self.

 

[krish44]

the posts by sravnaji ,renukaji and vaagmiji are very interesting

sravnaji" thesis that material things alone cannot sustain happiness and excess of it does not give the same quality of happiness as spiritual pursuits could apply to a

section of people with a different mindset believing in spirituality

but irrespective of not being very spiritual, we can think beyond self and have atleast some feeling for others specially the have nots and reach out to them if our

material needs are satisfied.

 

[renuka]

but irrespective of not being very spiritual, we can think beyond self and have atleast some feeling for others specially the have nots and reach out to them if our

material needs are satisfied.

Yes you are right!

The word is NEEDS!

There is a difference between NEEDS and DESIRE.

For life to be comfortable one's needs should be fulfilled.

Desire is different from needs.

A need is a necessity but a desire is optional.

 

[krish44]

Yes you are right!

The word is NEEDS!

There is a difference between NEEDS and DESIRE.

For life to be comfortable one's needs should be fulfilled.

Desire is different from needs.

A need is a necessity but a desire is optional.

there are many whose needs are satisfied but there are some whose wildest desires for material things have been

fulfilled

at least the latter class can reach out to others disadvantaged in various ways

the word spirituality makes me instinctively withdraw from discussions related to the same. someone advocating a

lifestyle based on such belief for a higher level of happiness as compared to those based on material prosperity is not

very appealing

social bonding with all manner of people and fulfilling their needs not neceesarily material can be a great spare time

occupation giving a lot of happiness

at a recent event [my birthday] ,I received a huge bouquet from my car driver and my sons cook sent me a shawl. some

anonymous person got a cake with candles home delivered.still figuring out who it was. these are people I have

bonded with.when unexpected gifts land up I am touched.resolve to reach out to more increases

 

[sravna]

Dear Shri Krish,

I use the word spirituality to imply a contrast with selfishness. By spiritual pursuits I do not mean performing rituals or such things but working on concerns that are not of self alone.



,

 

[krish44]

dear sravnaji
I feel both elated and elevated that I can belong to a spiritual class. your posts make very interesting reading . I follow

your posts . where would we be if you and renukaji are not around ?

thanks