Initiative towards Improving people's interpersonal skills

[renuka]

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where would we be if you and renukaji are not around ?

thanks

Ha Ha Ha!

I am no Mataji..sometimes when I read what I write I feel like laughing cos its actually very easy to preach to others but I know for sure I hardly even practice even 10% of what I write..not that I am a hypocrite but the fact that when we personally face any situations it might be all hell break lose instead!LOL

 

[renuka]

at a recent event [my birthday] ,I received a huge bouquet from my car driver and my sons cook sent me a shawl. some

anonymous person got a cake with candles home delivered.still figuring out who it was. these are people I have

bonded with.when unexpected gifts land up I am touched.resolve to reach out to more increases

Well let me share something here..before I had gone to India I had seen a Indian contract worker at my clinic and he was having an Acute Heart Attack and he was refusing to go to the hospital.
I was worried that he might dropped dead anytime and did all the needed emergency treatment.

With a heart attack that was so acute he still managed to say I am making the wrong diagnosis and even when I showed him his ECG he was not convinced saying its some Gas problem and not some heart attack.

I called the ambulance and forced him to go and told him if he does not go to the hospital he would reach Yama loka soon!(I actually used the word Yama loka..he understood..the guy was from Tamil Nadu)

That worked and he got in the ambulance.

Then some last week he came to my clinic to thank me for forcing him into the ambulance and he said it was indeed a heart attack and he was admitted in CCU for 10 days.

Now since he was back to normal he was going back to India and came to tell me thank you and was making blessing gestures(he is an older man) and was blessing me and my family.

At one moment I did not know what to feel. I smiled at him and told him to take good care and to see a Cardiologist when he reaches India to continue his medication there.

But on my own I felt nothing..I did not feel happy that he was blessing me..all I thought in my mind is "Ok he survived the near fatal episode and he is currently experiencing happiness and gratitude"

That was the only thought that went thru my mind.

It was a blank feeling..neither happiness nor anything else.

May be I am becoming mechanical!LOL

So I do wonder how come you still find life's unexpected surprises makes you feel touched?

I need to learn this from you.

 

[Vaagmi]

Well let me share something here..before I had gone to India I had seen a Indian contract worker at my clinic and he was having an Acute Heart Attack and he was refusing to go to the hospital.
I was worried that he might dropped dead anytime and did all the needed emergency treatment.

With a heart attack that was so acute he still managed to say I am making the wrong diagnosis and even when I showed him his ECG he was not convinced saying its some Gas problem and not some heart attack.

I called the ambulance and forced him to go and told him if he does not go to the hospital he would reach Yama loka soon!(I actually used the word Yama loka..he understood..the guy was from Tamil Nadu)

That worked and he got in the ambulance.
Then some last week he came to my clinic to thank me for forcing him into the ambulance and he said it was indeed a heart attack and he was admitted in CCU for 10 days.
Now since he was back to normal he was going back to India and came to tell me thank you and was making blessing gestures(he is an older man) and was blessing me and my family.
At one moment I did not know what to feel. I smiled at him and told him to take good care and to see a Cardiologist when he reaches India to continue his medication there.
But on my own I felt nothing..I did not feel happy that he was blessing me..all I thought in my mind is "Ok he survived the near fatal episode and he is currently experiencing happiness and gratitude"
That was the only thought that went thru my mind.

It was a blank feeling..neither happiness nor anything else.

May be I am becoming mechanical!LOL

So I do wonder how come you still find life's unexpected surprises makes you feel touched?
I need to learn this from you.

Renukaji,

May be you have become numb because of the enormity of what had happened. You saved a life from sure death and that life comes and stands before you and thanks you. It is a rare situation we come across in life.

This happened long back. I was going by a scooter in the highway. The time was night. A truck was coming some distance behind me as I could make out from the headlight beam and from what I saw in the rearview mirror. As it was after rains I was driving slowly. Suddenly I was hit and brushed aside by the truck and the truck which was moving at a high speed went past me. I lost balance but managed to stabilise the spinning vehicle and stop it. I did not feel scared or relieved. It was only later when I thought about it after reaching home that I realised the enormity of that incident. I could have gone under the wheels of that multi axle truck and could have become pulp. It is just providence that I am here writing about that. So I became numb to the enormity of it all perhaps.

 

[sravna]

Beliefs are to mind what objects are to senses. The objects are the basis on which a physical reality is built and beliefs are the basis on which one's mental reality is built. Physical reality is seen in the same way but each mind interprets that reality differently. The beliefs that people hold decide their thoughts and deeds and so how they interact with other people. Before talking about beliefs let me talk more on happiness.

Happiness can be derived in two fundamental ways either from the external reality or from within. When we are financially successful or hold harmonious relationships we derive happiness from the external world. This type of happiness is not guaranteed to be permanent because if money is lost or stops coming or relationship gets sour, the happiness diminishes or vanishes. So one has to keep planning and working for this happiness to continue.


Assume the extreme situation where you gain inordinate wealth and so money is not a concern. Can one be happy forever with this situation? Possibly, one can think of a situation where one can afford to keep spending the money on material pursuits and may derive happiness. Now look at this situation, where one has to be very wealthy and yet I would say derive a happiness which is far less fulfilling than one could derive in an alternate way.


In the alternate way to happiness, a way that gives happiness that is far more fulfilling, one need not be wealthy and so need not spend time on amassing wealth and yet be very happy. There is a cut off in terms of financial needs beyond which the happiness due to material fulfilments keep diminishing and may also go negative. That cut-off I think is not a very high cut-off and so the alternate way can be practiced by the common man.


The challenge is one needs to know that happiness can be derived from within and has to put in sincere efforts to practice it.

 

[renuka]

Renukaji,

May be you have become numb because of the enormity of what had happened. You saved a life from sure death and that life comes and stands before you and thanks you. It is a rare situation we come across in life.

.

Vaagmi Ji..I think you could be right!

Becos when I saw him it took me sometime to remember who he was partly becos he had lost so much weight after being hospitalized for 10 days in CCU.

Then I was thinking "hey this guy is actually alive"

I think I did not expect him to survive and seeing him alive in front of me didnt let my mind connect as well.

 

[krish44]

Ha Ha Ha!

I am no Mataji..sometimes when I read what I write I feel like laughing cos its actually very easy to preach to others but I know for sure I hardly even practice even 10% of what I write..not that I am a hypocrite but the fact that when we personally face any situations it might be all hell break lose instead!LOL

Rji
how many are able to articulate and say freely what they think and feel. you may not practiise what all you say. if an alternative way of approaching an issue is spelt out

one might be tempted to try the same when some options do not work out. for any issue there is an impulsive reaction to manage somehow and a reasoned out way of

approaching it thru logic and good morality which may be time consuming. in certain situations it would be wiser not to act instead of acting in some way. hearing these

differently thinking people can make a difference how to handle ticklish situations

 

[krish44]

Rji
refyour post 27

I had least expectation that these people would wish me with a token gift for what I might have done for them without my realising it took me by surprise

It seems my cooks daughters marriage got settled due to my floating her profile on a website and a response she got.

my car driver might have his own reasons as I treat him like any of my relatives and reach out to him whenever he wants me for anything

I never go anywhere without him for local work and trust him totally.

what we think as trivial is big for them. we can make difference to lot of peoples' lives only if we make the first move and reach out first with some gesture

 

[sravna]

Rji
refyour post 27

I had least expectation that these people would wish me with a token gift for what I might have done for them without my realising it took me by surprise

It seems my cooks daughters marriage got settled due to my floating her profile on a website and a response she got.

my car driver might have his own reasons as I treat him like any of my relatives and reach out to him whenever he wants me for anything

I never go anywhere without him for local work and trust him totally.

what we think as trivial is big for them. we can make difference to lot of peoples' lives only if we make the first move and reach out first with some gesture

Dear Shri Krish,

Hats off to you! People like you are become rarer and rarer. We need to spread the word that it is possible to be humane irrespective of how the other person behaves. Actually it is when the other person is inhumane one has to be most humane. It is very likely to touch the other person.

 

[auh]

When I say think beyond self I mean be considerate to others and not be insensitive to their feelings. There are people who are that way and so one cannot say that self cannot think beyond self.

Sorry if I am intruding. I was skimming through this thread when I saw this line. Although I have my own views I would like to know why is it that one should "be considerate to others and not be insensitive to their feelings"?

Why?

 

[sravna]

Beliefs form the basis upon which one's mental reality is built. Beliefs stand on their own and do not need authentication. The consistency among beliefs is the real test of how good they are and is reflected in the balance a person displays in his interactions with other people. The problem arises when people hold beliefs that contradict each other. For example they may think that it is ok to abuse others. That is perfectly ok to me. But at the same time they also believe that others should not abuse them. This is what is not ok. Consistency among its beliefs is the real hallmark of a sound mind. Consistency among beliefs in a person would mean he would treat others considerately because no one would wish bad things to happen to oneself.


The reality is there are so many out there who hold beliefs that are most contradictory. For any set of beliefs to be contradictory one has to think it is ok for self to do something on others but not ok for others to do it to self. There are clever people especially those who hold some power who display strong selfish tendencies. Unfortunately in the past they have vastly succeeded in a wordly way. Also by both blatantly and subtly glorifying power and force they have succeeded in etching the theme "might is right" in the minds of the people.


Since worldly success gives immediate fruits it is very attractive to many and this has had the harmful effect of making other people change their beliefs and think that it pays to use force or be selfish. This has become a great vicious circle that has attracted a number of people towards this wrong path and now there is a very minuscule minority who truly believe in the more arduous but correct path of being righteous and enjoying fruits.


The present system needs to be completely reworked for the good of humanity.


More on how and when are the core beliefs formed and how difficult is it to change one's core beliefs? in the subsequent posts.

 

[sravna]

Sorry if I am intruding. I was skimming through this thread when I saw this line. Although I have my own views I would like to know why is it that one should "be considerate to others and not be insensitive to their feelings"?

Why?

Shri Auh,

See my latest post for your answer.

 

[krish44]

sravnaji and renukaji

this morning I came across a book Buddhas Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius

recommend the book to you both

it is a book on how to reshape our brains to be peaceful and happy.

the book also claims to show ways of strengthening the brain for more fulfilling relationships,a deeper spiritual life,a greater sense of inner confidence and worth

a down to earth book on activating brain states of calm,joy and compassion instead of worry,sorrow and anger

it might appeal to you. it is a newHarbinger publications www.harbinger.com

 

[renuka]

sravnaji and renukaji

this morning I came across a book Buddhas Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius

recommend the book to you both

it is a book on how to reshape our brains to be peaceful and happy.

the book also claims to show ways of strengthening the brain for more fulfilling relationships,a deeper spiritual life,a greater sense of inner confidence and worth

a down to earth book on activating brain states of calm,joy and compassion instead of worry,sorrow and anger

it might appeal to you. it is a newHarbinger publications www.harbinger.com

When I saw the word Harbringer and the fact that this book is supposed to show us the Light..all I thought of is Lucifer!

Lucifer means the Harbringer of Light. I am sure its not a co incidence that the Devil(Lucifer) means the Harbringer of Light.

Only when we conquer the innermost fears and face the"Devil" we can actually see the Light.

BTW you gave me an idea..may be I can start a new thread..Devil's Brain!LOL

Anyway thanks a lot for the suggestion for this book.

 

[renuka]

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[sravna]

Folks,


As you would have guessed from my articles the focus of my efforts towards improving one's personality would be to form a set of core beliefs that are consistent with one another. It will take time because I think it has to be based on one's real experiences and working on them and eventually let the person form the right beliefs.


I would like to start the program without charging anything initially and see the results. So I invite anyone who would like to participate in the program and hopefully enhance the personality to contact me. I have planned a duration of 6 months for the program.

 

[sravna]

For any one to achieve lasting success, in relationships especially, is to adhere to pragmatism and develop the quality of compassion. The former is something that can definitely be learnt and I believe that it is possible to learn the latter too. However if one is naturally lacking in compassion it would be an uphill task to instill that value in him but I believe it is doable. In turn this means it is possible for anyone to learn to succeed in relationships.

Let me first talk about compassion.

In a difficult relationship either you would not be compassionate or the other person would not be. In the former one probably believes there is not much that one can take from the relationship and in the latter one may not be getting enough from the relationship and be affected by it. The simple solution in theory, to both the cases is to firmly believe that what is important is giving and not taking. So you start giving more to the relationship in which you earlier felt had no benefit in it and you do not worry about getting back in a relationship in which you earlier felt that you were not getting enough. Now there is fulfillment in both the types of relationships.

But how do you get the feeling that giving is what that fulfills? It takes quite sometime to make one person believe that if he is not naturally compassionate.

I will talk more about it in the subsequent posts.

 

[sravna]

At the level of mind, you need to first realize that taking doesn't give real fulfillment before deriving fulfillment from giving. As you take you find some satisfaction and so you feel the need to take more and soon it gets into a vicious circle. At that point giving takes away the satisfaction of taking and so one would not be inclined to give unless it implies getting more.

Why is taking done first and not giving because at the unevolved level we feel deeply lacking
and so to fill that gap are instinctively attracted to taking and find satisfaction in it. As I said as we find satisfaction we want to take more and the process repeats. Giving is seen as anti to taking and so we are instinctively drawn away from it.

The notion of ego develops and the ego becomes bigger and bigger fueled by increasing importance to physical self. However the contradiction in this notion simultaneously begins to appear and one starts to feel the repercussions of their actions. At some point repercussions become very strong and the actions of the egoistic person becomes self destructive.

I am assuming the notion of re-births to explain this and so all the above sequence may span a number of births and finally the lesson that taking doesn't give real fulfillment is learnt. An evolved mind which is spiritually inclined surfaces. Giving as something that fulfills is experienced and expansion of self begins to happen.

Assuming the above background, our immediate objective is to know, if the learning to find fulfillment in giving is said to occur as a natural process how can one be taught to find fulfillment by giving, when one is not naturally inclined so?

 

[krish44]

I do not know the logic behind giving first -sravnaji has tried analysing the same -calling it noble and worth following.

I got into this mode because I was in a job which called for a high level of human interaction I had to transact with many professionaly over whom I had no managerial

control . I was forced into trusting besides giving first with a wild hope some would reciprocate and deliver what I want. later on I started giving without any expectation

of results as I found many recepients would behave differently when they find someone giving without expectations. the experience is overwhelming.

over time it becomes a way of life . I started believing " idhu kodukkara kai ,vangara kai illai'. when someone reciprocates on giving , I have a childlike delight

 

[sravna]

I argued that to get fulfillment from giving, one has to be compassionate. If one is not compassionate one cannot get real fulfillment from giving. If one is compassionate is he guaranteed to derive fulfillment from giving?

In this context, I will talk about the second necessity of happiness which is being pragmatic. By pragmatic, I mean the general thinking and behavior of the majority of people in our current times. That is, what is pragmatic may change with times. I am talking of a time when materialism is at its peak.

Emphasis on materialism implies that success is measured only in terms of tangibles and the intangible and finer aspects are ignored. Compassion being a fine feeling for others would not get the recognition that it deserves. This in turn makes people who are compassionate lose faith in such fine feelings. So the population has increasingly moved more and more away from compassion.

Pragmatism has totally become to mean focus on self. Thus we find the two desirable factors for enduring success in career and relationships, which are being compassionate and being pragmatic working against each other in most of the people. No wonder we find that many do not derive enough satisfaction from career or relationships.

The question is, does pragmatism really imply that we cannot be compassionate? Do they need to be antithetical to each other? It increasingly seems to be believed that way and thus the number of people who truly practice pragmatism and compassion is very low indeed.

The challenge for people is to possess the quality of compassion and yet be practical. We need to analyze whether it is possible to make anyone believe in compassion? and therefore make him learn to be compassionate even if he is not naturally so? Or in general, are finer aspects of mind teachable?

 

[renuka]

Dear Sravna,

I feel a human can only be truly compassionate the day he gives up even the idea of God and relies on himself.

When you have nothing to lean on outwards the body might initially have to face some amount of stress becos the anti depressant effect of God and Prayer is not there.

After a while the body will have to adapt to this high stress levels and bring it back to normal.

Our body loves to self repair..so how does the body repair itself?

The stress is converted into compassion so that the mind and body is relaxed again.

Have you noted that those who become supercompassion at times had some very stressful incidents in life which changed them for good?

I cant remember the name of this person but he was a TB who worked as a lawyer way back then and became a Sanyasi when 2 of his daughters drowned in the well at home.

Acute stress can change a person.

May be that's why God is known as Karuna Sagar(Ocean of Compassion) cos God has no one to help Him out..He takes in all the stressful prayers of the world and it becomes compassion.

 

[sravna]

Acute stress can change a person.

Dear Renuka,

I very much agree. I am planning to write about it in subsequent posts

 

[sravna]

People who hold self contradictory beliefs since they hold inconsistent beliefs, do not hold beliefs that form a coherent whole. I would theorize that whenever there are so many inconsistent beliefs they are connected by emotions which is similar to saying maya veils them. Since for such people contradictions appear at a fundamental level their beliefs are deep rooted prejudices.

Here's a recipe to change the inconsistent fundamental beliefs of a person. In order to make the beliefs of such a person consistent, one has to first cope up with the emotional veil that covers their beliefs. It is not possible to do that with reason as reason cannot penetrate an emotion. Emotions are best dealt with by a strong enough opposing emotion. This fights the emotional veil covering one's beliefs. As an example if one who has contradicting beliefs projects an unreasonable belief, the best way to deal with his belief is to attack his belief in a subtle way and by inducing an opposing emotion.The subtle way should ideally be in the form of humour as when something is done in a humorous way, the instantaneous adverse reaction is not likely to be high but it can still induce opposing emotions and work in a sub conscious way. This is what exactly we want. It can still produce negative impact though but I would say penetrating humour is the best form of attack. Let me warn that humour should not be a ridicule as that can make the emotional veil stronger. It has to be done adeptly.

But one should not lose sight of the real purpose which is to instill consistent beliefs in the person. So we need to do things that begins to change the person's beliefs at the superficial level because they are most readily changed and then start building the beliefs at a deeper level. This is done by trying to interact in a very positive manner which is persistently done along with the effort to reduce his negative thinking through inducing opposing emotions, and make him attracted towards positive beliefs which are non contradicting in nature. That way we ensure that the person when he finds that his beliefs were flawed does not collapse because of fall of self confidence but has support from the newly building consistent beliefs at the top.

The person will see the truth when the emotional veil connecting his beliefs are lifted after which it is easy to replace the self contradicting beliefs with the new set of consistent fundamental beliefs.

In the next post I will give my views about how a person who is inclined to be righteous but has been forced to not display compassion can cope up in the current times in a peaceful way.

 

[sravna]

I was talking of how penetrating humour would be an opposing force against the prejudices built on a self contradicting person's beliefs.In fact we would have witnessed this technique being used to alter people's beliefs. A classic example is the lampooning of the customs and culture of the brahmins in patent and latent ways. This has influenced the impressionable minds of a number of brahmin youth and made them totally revolt against the brahmin culture and ignore many of its good aspects.

But a well meaning approach is what that needs to be adopted if the opinions and beliefs need to be influenced in a positive way. Novel techniques can be used successfully if one wants to work in this direction. We have always seen people's mind being manipulated in a negative way and seldom seen being systematically influenced in positive ways by others. Can people try to learn and do the latter for their own good?

 

[sravna]

It is natural to many to try to manipulate other's mind for their own advantage. We have also seen people who have a positive influence on others. We have seen some great teachings from some great people trying to show the people the right ways.

However I think what is missing in the endeavors to guide people in the right way, is that it is left to the person himself to try to make efforts to follow such teachings in practice. It is in practice where the failures occur. That is people are able to understand what is good and what is bad but a great majority of them do not make efforts to do the good and avoid doing the bad.

What I think is to be done, is to develop a methodology based on the existing knowledge trying to guide the people in moral ways, that can be employed in a systematic manner so that anyone wanting to improve one's clarity in thinking can use such a program. The incongruities in one's thinking can be subjected to scientific methods and be corrected just as one's physical health can be corrected.

We see counselling done for people with mental disorders such as depression. But an unhealthy attitude is a cause of equally great concern and needs to be addressed too. Improving people's mental health should be given as much priority as improving people's physical health.

I will share more of my ideas on how a systematic approach in this regard can be adopted.

 

[renuka]

It is natural to many to try to manipulate other's mind for their own advantage.

This I have to to agree.

I know a person who used to be very spiritually inclined and extremely intelligent and learned.

He used to write extensively even online and at times you would get a feeling that he is some rishi incarnate.

Then one fine day he decided to become a disciple of a Guru and that was it!

The Guru just managed to break him down and told him that he is not yet ready for any Jnaana and still has a long way to go.

He was fully manipulated to feel totally inadequate and right now he totally believes that he is full of Tamas and thinks that his Guru is right.

He now totally does not want to think like how he used to be before and has become aggressive in defending Hinduism.The calm composure too is totally gone.

A bright intelligent person..totally manipulated.