Intercaste marriage is it possible?

[SUMISIVAN]

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We Brahmins generally by birth, are having a inner ego that "We are brahmins". So it will be very difficult to accept a life partner from other community in long run..

 

[psnprem]

I am iyengar girl (22) . I am in love with backward caste boy (24)for a year we know each other very well . He said if my parents agree he will marry me definitely. Can you people guide whether he is good for me?

Hai, we should appreciate for your guts to come up for opinion in a forum. While its nothing wrong to go for intercaste, please consider following three. 1) If the boy eats non-Veg, either you should get converted to non veg or he should change his food habits. Mostly boys wont do. (Non Veg does not make any one stronger than Veg). 2) Is he a non smoker and non Drinker? If yes by him, don't believe. Have it verified. These are normally hidden by a boy before marriage. 3) If your parents says no, then tell boy big NO. Otherwise, in the event of any misunderstanding/ boy behaves rudely physically, you will be virtually on the streets. Do not break Parents relationship with a plan of starting a new relationship. You need both parents blessing. Remember that its not possible to reverse the status after marriage again as unmarried. Ask him to exchange mutually your phones suddenly with out notice if you have decided to marry. If he is hesitant or ask for a days time, surely you should cancel your plans. Any way, wait till you attain 25 years with some education & employable skills.

 

[Jaykay767]

Please do a pros and cons of this life changing decision and decide.

If your parents are very conservative, they will oppose this all their lives and insult you and your partner every time you meet them.

And your life and your partners will both become hell.

 

[prasad1]

I am iyengar girl (22) . I am in love with backward caste boy (24)for a year we know each other very well . He said if my parents agree he will marry me definitely. Can you people guide whether he is good for me?

The age of people who participate in this forum is 60+. Most of them have lived a sedate conservative life. They are living in yesteryears.
You are a young person living in modern times, you do not have to listen to our opinions.
Live your life on your terms, not on someone else's.

In Bhagvat Gita Krishna says:
Chapter 3: Karma-yoga
TEXT 35
sreyan sva-dharmo vigunah
para-dharmat sv-anusthitat
sva-dharme nidhanam sreyah
para-dharmo bhayavahah

It is far better to discharge one's prescribed duties, even though they may be faulty, than another's duties. Destruction in the course of performing one's own duty is better than engaging in another's duties, for to follow another's path is dangerous.

The society may not agree, or your family may not agree, but if you listen to your heart and understand your expectations, live by that.
Else you will regret it for your entire life.
I wish you the best in life.

But like Brahmanyanji said we have discussed this issue multiple times. And there is no one uniform opinion.
So if you real and still visit the thread please make your calculated decision, and if possible update us.

 

[tbs]

This subject has been discussed many times in the Tamil Brahmins forum.
Legally nothing prevents you to marry a person of your choice.

Be sure it is the "love" drives you to marry a person of different community. Or it is the infatuation which is common at this age, that wants company to fulfill the natural urge of companion ship.
Life does not end with a marriage, rather it is the beginning of most important phase in the our life, which requires a lot of adjustments and support for smooth sailing.
It is a fact no one can be supportive at the time of need than our parents.
It is my experience in our own family, which has liberal views, I have seen many love marriages in the extended younger generation living inside and outside India. Statistically I should admit many of them failed in the long run. Main reason is the failure of compatability due to economic independence. As a class we have lost the family hierarchy,
which allowed members to communicate with each other and make decisions about how to move and grow as a family. The most typical and healthy structure that existed in our families of the past.

Being good friends is different from good husband and wife.
Think about this, discuss with your parents or well wishers and take a good decision.

wishing you well,
Brahmanyan
Bangalore.

hi sir

"which allowed members to communicate with each other and make decisions about how to move and grow as a family. The most typical and healthy structure that existed in our families of the past.

Being good friends is different from good husband and wife.
Think about this, discuss with your parents or well wishers and take a good decision."

i agreed this...nice lines from a most experienced person...thanks

 

[renuka]

I start to wonder ..I have seen people from 2 different parts of the world...who do not even share anything in common right from DNA to religion yet they can stay happily married.
Not one but so many.
Many Chinese and Indian intermarriage take place here and divorce rate is hardly significant.
Children grow up embracing both cultures etc.
I have seen Caucasians and Indians too marry and stay happy..again both embrace each others culture.

I get a feeling in India each person is culturally dominant hence all this failure to live happily.
I have seen cases where TB women marries non TB guy..she invariably want to transform him into a TB and dominate the scene.

Why cant there be a compromise and have a shared culture?
If one wants to follow only TB culture then by all means marry only a TB and not force someone else to be what he is not becos each person has their own Dharma and these can't change even under sword point.

So if one cant compromise..marry the own kind.
Its fair to both.

 

[Ananthapadmanabhangopalan]

Discussions are interesting and the reality is go with parents liking as you may require their support in the case of some eventuality. After some time both boy side and girl side think differently and unadjustable , needs they will all pose differences which becomes difficult later than initial days abd keeping this in mind discuss openly with your parent before spelling out your decision to otherside

 

[mr.gokul]

I have seen cases where TB women marries non TB guy..she invariably want to transform him into a TB and dominate the scene.

Ma'am this is outright fraud and forgery. Can you please share details of those examples? Brahmin men and community will be made complete fools.
If change happens, we have to adapt.But it's this protracted effort to malign and weaken tb community that ppl are generally not aware of. Most men invariably secretly carry bitter feelings towards brahmins. Or, they have friends who can do this for them. Help a friend's to "correct a Iyer figure". But then the elders well talk pagutharivu.i don't know if tb's understand the SOS. We have to embrace change, but encouraging things like this, saying "listen to it heart and do it if it makes u happy" etc etc is foolish. And odugaalis trying to make tb's out of nb's is fraud. They need that tag,but don't want to follow the rules. Once out, stay out. Can I make thevars and goundars out of paraiyars and pallars? Is that possible?. The parents are just unbelievable. In an attempt to look open minded and progressive, they are putting sand on their own head, to borrow from a common parlance ?

 

[tbs]

hi

if you want run away.....no caste tag attached....what about your career/children....kalyanam engirathu

aayiram kaalathu payir....summa sollalai.....our ancestors made and experienced the family system...

dont breask it for just selfish motive...you may repent later...sorry for that...just info...i loved a girl for more than

10 yrsin my young life....even though its brahmin too...but different subcaste/language...i got married

according to my parents wish....not my wish....but parents are happy...i may not be...its my simple

and humble request....THINK BEFORE YOU DECIDE... THERE IS NO ACTION REPLAY IN REAL LIFE..

 

[renuka]

Ma'am this is outright fraud and forgery. Can you please share details of those examples? Brahmin men and community will be made complete fools.
If change happens, we have to adapt.But it's this protracted effort to malign and weaken tb community that ppl are generally not aware of. Most men invariably secretly carry bitter feelings towards brahmins. Or, they have friends who can do this for them. Help a friend's to "correct a Iyer figure". But then the elders well talk pagutharivu.i don't know if tb's understand the SOS. We have to embrace change, but encouraging things like this, saying "listen to it heart and do it if it makes u happy" etc etc is foolish. And odugaalis trying to make tb's out of nb's is fraud. They need that tag,but don't want to follow the rules. Once out, stay out. Can I make thevars and goundars out of paraiyars and pallars? Is that possible?. The parents are just unbelievable. In an attempt to look open minded and progressive, they are putting sand on their own head, to borrow from a common parlance ?

I personally know cases but I cant mention it cos these are people known to me and I cant mention their names...what I wrote is not a lie...you seem new to forum..so I am excusing the accusation of fraud and forgery you wrote about me.

What I was trying to say is in India people are still very culturally dominant whatever their caste if I may add.
Even a Msian Indian Non Brahmin I know divorced her Tamilian Non Brahmin same caste husband from Tamil Nadu becos she could not adjust to his concept of marriage which seemed just too traditional and dominating.

As I said no one can change..so its not fair to force anyone to become what they are not.
A Non Brahmin cant become a Brahmin and a Brahmin cant become a Non Brahmin in behavior..so you are right when you further added that a Gounder cant become Thevar and vice versa.

What i was trying to say is I have seen caucasians married to non caucasians here and their marriage lasts till old age cos both adopted each others culture and they celebrate both diwali and christmas and life goes on.

So for Hindu and Hindu in India from a different caste why is it so hard?
The reason is there is no common ground cos both want to dominate each other and as usual its a female that ends up dominating the house in India.

 

[renuka]

hi

if you want run away.....no caste tag attached....what about your career/children....kalyanam engirathu

aayiram kaalathu payir....summa sollalai.....our ancestors made and experienced the family system...

dont breask it for just selfish motive...you may repent later...sorry for that...just info...i loved a girl for more than

10 yrsin my young life....even though its brahmin too...but different subcaste/language...i got married

according to my parents wish....not my wish....but parents are happy...i may not be...its my simple

and humble request....THINK BEFORE YOU DECIDE... THERE IS NO ACTION REPLAY IN REAL LIFE..

Aiyo TBS Garu...that Lovvu was so so long ago...it would have been young love..eventually everyone moves on in life.

Your wife is nice to you and you are happily married and you are saying that your parents are happy and you may not be?

Kya yaar....how are you so sure if you had married your lovvu you would be this happy in life like you are now?

Everything happens for a reason..its always for the better and not for the worse.

 

[mr.gokul]

I personally know cases but I cant mention it cos these are people known to me and I cant mention their names...what I wrote is not a lie...you seem new to forum..so I am excusing the accusation of fraud and forgery you wrote about me.

What I was trying to say is in India people are still very culturally dominant whatever their caste if I may add.
Even a Msian Indian Non Brahmin I know divorced her Tamilian Non Brahmin same caste husband from Tamil Nadu becos she could not adjust to his concept of marriage which seemed just too traditional and dominating.

Ok ma'am. Sorry for the misunderstanding.i didn't mean you. I meant the people that you mentioned. They are committing fraud and their nb husband and their friends and families will obviously not care about it.
I'm single and I don't know about marriage and all. But I know generally that the divorce rates of arranged marriage in India is the lowest. And I believe the intended philosophy and thought behind it is also the most refined and pristine. And that's why I want to do what I can to protect it. And, FYI, this is not the way to destroy caste system. Dr.Ambedkar didn't mean this. This is just a way to weaken brahmins, and I have to at least fight against it right. Thanks. Excuse me if I have hurt any feeligs

 

[tbs]

Aiyo TBS Garu...that Lovvu was so so long ago...it would have been young love..eventually everyone moves on in life.

Your wife is nice to you and you are happily married and you are saying that your parents are happy and you may not be?

Kya yaar....how are you so sure if you had married your lovvu you would be this happy in life like you are now?

Everything happens for a reason..its always for the better and not for the worse.

hi doctor,
thanks....i agreed with u......these love happened 30 years ago.....now my daughter /son are planning

like the same way like 30 years....but now i agreed for both ..both are gettting married with american

christian boy/girl...i can't deny as my parents did 30 yrs ago....IDHUVUM KADANTHU POGUM..

 

[renuka]

I

I am a single iyengar male. There are a lot of non brahmins and 'liberal' brahmins here. So, dont take people who say "yeah sure, go ahead" seriously. Id say, if you've gotten intimate with him in any way, please run away. If you're sure, please do run away, we dont care. But just one thing. Run away and dont ever come back. A lot of women who go out maintain ties with their family, just for the brahmin tag. Thats called '****thanam". Because you'll begin to see the true colors of your lover and his family and friends, and they'll goad you to bring more of brahmin culture and language and habits. We didnt develop those so that odugaalis like you can daaravathufy that to NB's for your itch. So, its your life and you can do WTF you want with it. But choose either side. Dont touch brahmin culture again, and talk brainwash other brahmin girls. Odi poradhu na nee matum po. Thirumba varadha. If you come to your home with a paavamana moonji and maybe a baby, obviously your mom and dad will take you in, because, well, its 21st century. Thats what parents are like. But that caste doesnt belong to you alone. It belongs to me too. And if i cannot add to it, i can prevent it from being sullied by non brahmins who want to sully brahmin families and culture. They are using weak minded loose women like you who are blind to it. And who cannot take tough decisions. This is why women are said to be guarded. I cant let you and your hormones and your mom and dad to sully the caste tag that belongs to me. I can try, but the whole society is against brahmin males and supportive of females (you know why). So, have some vekkam maanam soodu soranai. If you run, dont turn back. For every one guy like me, there will be 1000000 people who support you. Still, this is my view. And remember, caste is patriarchical. Y-chromosome. Its passed from male to children. Thats why they said 'guard your women' (which im sure caste and family of that boy does, namba jaadhi thaan ilicha vai aache.) Because only men know how other men think. And thats why they attack brahmin men the most, especially in movies. Making it socially awkward,

I know how to handle this. Which 'backward caste' does your boyfriend belong to? Do you know what mindset they have? And do you know how differently they view brahmin women and men? Do you know how much hate they carry towards brahmins and how much venom they spew, in social media? I dont mind all that, and i can withstand a lakh times more. You are weak genes. I think you can be conveniently shed to shudras. Unna madhiri case lam avanga thalai la kattiduvom. Only, dont come back again. Your mom and dad will take you in. But the caste tag doesnt belong to them alone. It belongs to us, men. Thats why they are against the men, and for-women. Thats why they talk 'pen viduthalai'.

I am surprised how his post didnt get moderated.
Its down right insulting to Ms Priyanka.
Mr Gokul, you have a right to give your opinion but please choose better language.
You have no right to call another persons daughter names.
Surprised to see words like "loose woman" used on Ms Priyanka.
Seriously?
If you want to advise a girl to not make a mistake in life you can do so by being kind and loving.
Yes..you are right...there are many Non Brahmins and Liberal Brahmins here but not anyone else here used such harsh language on a girl who was merely asking here opinion.

Kindly learn to use refined language.


Just a reminder of 'guard your woman' talk..at the end of the day no matter what you can say about being Y chromosome and all...its a mother who tells her child who his/her dad is.
Without the word of a woman the Y chromosome is not validated unless one resorts to a DNA test.

 

[renuka]

hi doctor,
thanks....i agreed with u......these love happened 30 years ago.....now my daughter /son are planning

like the same way like 30 years....but now i agreed for both ..both are gettting married with american

christian boy/girl...i can't deny as my parents did 30 yrs ago....IDHUVUM KADANTHU POGUM..

TBS garu,

By American you mean a White American isnt it?
Cos american is a citizenship and it can be anyone from Asians, to Hispanics, to African Americans and Indians too.

 

[prasad1]

I



I am surprised how his post didnt get moderated.
Its down right insulting to Ms Priyanka.



Just a reminder of 'guard your woman' talk..at the end of the day no matter what you can say about being Y chromosome and all...its a mother who tells her child who his/her dad is.
Without the word of a woman the Y chromosome is not validated unless one resorts to a DNA test.

That is the only way to get a sense of Caste, kula, Gotra etc.

That is how The Pandavas became Kshatriyas, and belonged to the Kuru Vanmsha.
If you checked there DNA, there will be no Kuru Vamsha at all.

 

[tbs]

TBS garu,

By American you mean a White American isnt it?
Cos american is a citizenship and it can be anyone from Asians, to Hispanics, to African Americans and Indians too.

hi

yes...white american...

 

[renuka]

hi

yes...white american...

Wish your kids the best.
May you be blessed with many grandkids.

 

[tbs]

Wish your kids the best.
May you be blessed with many grandkids.

hi

thanks.....i have enough my life with advaita vedanta....im more STITHA PRAJNA now....SAMA DUKHE

SUKHE LABHA ALABHA JAYA AJAYO....LOL

 

[renuka]

hi

thanks.....i have enough my life with advaita vedanta....im more STITHA PRAJNA now....SAMA DUKHE

SUKHE LABHA ALABHA JAYA AJAYO....LOL

Becos I said may you have many grandkids you said you are now a Sthitha Prajna...if I had said may you be blessed with many wives , i am sure your answer would have been different!LOL

 

[Balacs]

I am iyengar girl (22) . I am in love with backward caste boy (24)for a year we know each other very well . He said if my parents agree he will marry me definitely. Can you people guide whether he is good for me?

The boy's comment that your parent's approval is desirable deserves commendation. If you both are deeply in love and it is not mere infatuation, go ahead by all means. It is only when I had my own children to bring up, I realised the trials, tribulations and sacrifices parents make. Unfortunately, in our lives, we take parents for granted. Though I, my younger brother and my three elder sisters did everything we could to make them live happy and comfortable lives, I still feel that I could have done more for them, particularly in terms of spending time with them. Now, of course, it is too late.

While you need to take a final decision, please do note that I personally feel that parents consent and blessings is essential for a successful marriage. Marriage against their wishes is a strict no-no for me.

 

[renuka]

Ok ma'am. Sorry for the misunderstanding.i didn't mean you. I meant the people that you mentioned. They are committing fraud and their nb husband and their friends and families will obviously not care about it.
I'm single and I don't know about marriage and all. But I know generally that the divorce rates of arranged marriage in India is the lowest. And I believe the intended philosophy and thought behind it is also the most refined and pristine. And that's why I want to do what I can to protect it. And, FYI, this is not the way to destroy caste system. Dr.Ambedkar didn't mean this. This is just a way to weaken brahmins, and I have to at least fight against it right. Thanks. Excuse me if I have hurt any feeligs

Your intentions seem good to me.
May be you are still very young hence some emotions in words.
take care
God bless you.

 

[Balacs]

The boy's comment that your parent's approval is desirable deserves commendation. If you both are deeply in love and it is not mere infatuation, go ahead by all means. It is only when I had my own children to bring up, I realised the trials, tribulations and sacrifices parents make. Unfortunately, in our lives, we take parents for granted. Though I, my younger brother and my three elder sisters did everything we could to make them live happy and comfortable lives, I still feel that I could have done more for them, particularly in terms of spending time with them. Now, of course, it is too late.

While you need to take a final decision, please do note that I personally feel that parents consent and blessings is essential for a successful marriage. Marriage against their wishes is a strict no-no for me.

One more comment I would like to add. In a number of cases, in the past four decades, I have seen people who have married out of their castes being totally ignored by their relatives. It is painful and really hurts but there is nothing you can do about it. Even if your parents are invited there is a lot of simpering and snide remarks about how they have failed to "inculcate or instil the right values in their children". That means you are treated as an outcast no matter how unsavoury it may sound. No invitation by relatives to marriage or any other auspicious functions. Not even a casual visit for a chit chat and a cup of filter coffee. All this is absolutely hateful and I do not support it by any means but this does exist and you cannot wish it away. There has been a lot of valuable inputs by some experienced and esteemed members of this Forum and it would be in your best interests to consider all factors before you arrive at a decision.

 

[sankaganesh]

Please do marry the BC guy. The reason I am saying this is because if you break this affair and marry a Brahmin boy, you are pushing another person's life to Hell who would have worked hard to achieve his dreams. Sorry for being harsh.

 

[prasad1]

Family members fall apart, children grow away from parents, Children commit atrocities on their parents.
spouses commit physical and mental torchers. We hear of such instances every day. But in the grand scheme, they are all isolated instances.

More than 90% of the relationship in the animal world are by choice between the parties. Some of them end up in trouble. But there is tension in every relation, we live with it.
Arranged relationships are a rare phenomenon in this world, it serves its purpose, but again not every one of them is a success. There are colossal blunders even in arranged marriages. It happens.

Intercaste marriage is no different, it brings an additional degree of complication.

We have moved out of agrarian society, we do not have a large joint family, society has changed. We hanker for those "good old days", but they are gone. We have to live with the new realities.
We used to Ride coal-burning steam engines, we used to listen to Gramophones and radios, we used to send telegraphs, they all were in the past. We are able to give up Ambassador death traps and move on to Maruti.
Why can we not change socially?

If old people realize that they have lived their lives successfully mostly on their terms, now it is time to bless the younger generations. Give advice as and when needed, but do not set terms. Let the world live on.