Joint Family VS Separate Family after marriage

[vs_ramki1950]

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any woman can hv sex with any man..but our customs and morality forbids it...if a mother pays more attention to her son it is not for sex..may b for more attention when she becomes old sick and financially dependent

 

[vs_ramki1950]

but i hv heard stories in my village mother and son having sex....

 

[krish44]

Nope...they know I am beyond repair!LOL

do you begin every sentence with a 'No'.'?

 

[Brahmanyan]

Joint Family VS Separate Family after marriage

In my opinion,this is one question for which we cannot have an easy answer. It will be decided on individuals'
requirement based on family circumstances and many ifs and buts. Marriage between two individuals is beginning of a new phase in life ordained by nature. Joint Family is a continuous process. We should remember though born as individuals , we are a part of a social system. All of us need the help of others either from our near and dear ones or paid employees in life. Success or failure depends on our adjustment in the system. In a separate family the responsibility of running a new family lies on the two individuals, but in the Joint family this is shared among the three generations. Though there may be generation gap, the rich experience of elders will be available to the younger generation. With adequate privacy and functional freedom a joint family will be suited in the long run.

How ever with the migration of children from their parents, to maintain the older values of a Joint family (HUF) has become difficult to continue, but if circumstances permit, its worth a try.


Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[Raji Ram]

Ram's colleague nearing 90 lives happily with his wife, daughter, son-in-law, first grandson, his wife and kid and

second grandson in a house very near our colony. They are from Kerala and yesterday we got the invitation for

the wedding of the second grandson.

They are a closely knit nice joint family! :grouphug:

 

[renuka]

do you begin every sentence with a 'No'.'?

No..(hey I just did!LOL)

 

[renuka]

any woman can hv sex with any man..but our customs and morality forbids it...if a mother pays more attention to her son it is not for sex..may b for more attention when she becomes old sick and financially dependent

But closeness where one needs to hug and share close moments even at old age is only possible with a partner like a husband or part time back up.

A son's role is limited..a son is like a teddy bear..we love out teddy bears but its stops there..we cant feel romantically for a teddy bear.

True deep closeness can only be shared with a partner and not a child.

That is why so many elderly people get depressed when a spouse dies..the closeness is missing..a child cant replace that closeness.

 

[Brahmanyan]

Ram's colleague nearing 90 lives happily with his wife, daughter, son-in-law, first grandson, his wife and kid and second grandson in a house very near our colony. They are from Kerala and yesterday we got the invitation for the wedding of the second grandson.
They are a closely knit nice joint family! :grouphug:

Raji Maam,

Great. It must be a blessed family. I have known few families in Kerala try to live on old joint family values.
As one believes in living in a joint family I know it needs a lot of adjustments among the members to continue as a joint family.
But it is worth all the adjustments in life.
Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[krish44]

we were a joint family from fiftees to early eighties with upto 18 members in one big house with 6 large rooms in delhi.

I miss the care and warmth of the family as I was almost the youngest.

those were care free days with no responsiblity[ not given as I was not considered old enough upto 25 yrs]

still we are close knit . we have about 100 very close relations who attend all marriages and other occassions

Infact we invite only very close friends for functions as we have relatives making up the numbers.lol

 

[rishikesan]

Dr. Renuka, You have ventured to link the topic, straight with Sex. Besides, to the next comments, you have emphatically written that after the Marriage of a Son is performed, the role of his Mother ENDs " Wah " What a Logic ? Can you erase the Patriarchic system, which follows that Parents & their Sons are together form the Family for all purposes including normal life/ Legal aspects & everything else You can understand clearly if I give a comparison of a Daughter to the same Mother. When the daughter gets married , she leaves the Parents House almost immediately The Custom/ legally also the cases of Son & daughter are opposite, & if the daughter;s parents want to visit the in-laws of her daughter , where she lives, they have the choice to say NOT NOW ? Whereas in the case of her Son, she can visit him ,wherever he may be, as a Right .
What we observe now-a-days is that the Son is infatuated with his wife & if she is a CHHALOO she can deal differently with him & his mother. Because you live in a different Country & visit India occasionally, you have given this unpalatable comment. Besides , you are not a Tamil Brahmin & have different way of life which is not exactly that of Tamil brahmins you had written the comments, Does not matter .
I do not know as to how the linking of Sex of the mother with that of her Husband & also with the Son , because he is a Male ? I am capable of discussing this specific comment of yours , if you talk on Phone /

Rishikesan
Rishikesan

 

[renuka]

Dr. Renuka, You have ventured to link the topic, straight with Sex. Besides, to the next comments, you have emphatically written that after the Marriage of a Son is performed, the role of his Mother ENDs " Wah " What a Logic ? Can you erase the Patriarchic system, which follows that Parents & their Sons are together form the Family for all purposes including normal life/ Legal aspects & everything else You can understand clearly if I give a comparison of a Daughter to the same Mother. When the daughter gets married , she leaves the Parents House almost immediately The Custom/ legally also the cases of Son & daughter are opposite, & if the daughter;s parents want to visit the in-laws of her daughter , where she lives, they have the choice to say NOT NOW ? Whereas in the case of her Son, she can visit him ,wherever he may be, as a Right .
What we observe now-a-days is that the Son is infatuated with his wife & if she is a CHHALOO she can deal differently with him & his mother. Because you live in a different Country & visit India occasionally, you have given this unpalatable comment. Besides , you are not a Tamil Brahmin & have different way of life which is not exactly that of Tamil brahmins you had written the comments, Does not matter .
I do not know as to how the linking of Sex of the mother with that of her Husband & also with the Son , because he is a Male ? I am capable of discussing this specific comment of yours , if you talk on Phone /

Rishikesan
Rishikesan

Dear Sir,


Yes ...its logic..the role of parents end when a child gets married.

I have noticed that the happiest of marriages are those where both husband and wife stay far away from their parents and in laws.

The roles played by parents should not interfere in the well being of this children.

Both Inlaws and parents want to meddle in the lives of their kids.BTW even sons have the right to say NOT NOW if the parents want to visit becos the son could be busy.

So parents get upset if the son says this becos they fail to respect his privacy.

The son is no more a kid..he is an adult.Many parents forget that.I have noted many parents in India at times do not respect their sons..they use words like "da" for their sons and think the son is supposed to be at the beck and call of the parents 24/7.

Parents who truly loves their son will not impose themselves on the son and cause problems with the DIL.

After all if a DIL is unhappy..would the son be happy?

Only the ego of the parents would be satisfied that their son should love them more than his wife.


There is no such thing as parental absolute right when dealing with an adult son..he is no more a kid and unless its a dire emergency parents should not think they can walk over their sons.

BTW a son and daughter are both welcome to anyone's house be it Inlaws or Parents(provided they had asked their parents and inlaws before hand is they are free).. but it is just that both parents and in laws should allow children to lead their own lives without much interference.

Before I go to my in laws house..I call my FIL to see if he is free for me to visit.

If he is free I will go..if he is not free I will make an appointment.

I also call my parents before I go to their house to see if they are at home ..only then I go.I inform them before I come.

Sometimes they might be having guests so I wont go if guests are there.

Even my parents and FIL call me if they want to visit becos both know that I could be busy too.

Yes I am not a TB but even people from my own community do not think like me.

Even my parents wont agree on what I wrote about sex and spouse and child becos Indians rarely want to discuss such issues.

I on the other hand..like to dissect everything I see.

I feel each one of us is unique and we are entitled to our opinion that might not be palatable to others but might prove well otherwise.


BTW a reverse Oedipus complex is seen in females and they can become extremely protective of their sons.

When a female does not get enough attention from her spouse she starts looking for attention from her son..even though its non sexual but the feel good hormone and bonding hormone oxytocin is released.


Ok now coming to spouse and child..there is a difference.

You do this today....Hug your wife and then hug your child and let me know the difference.

Once you had done that..PM me and I will call you if I can..(it might cost a lot for me..but you can email me on this in detail)

 

[krish44]

Rishikesanj
you have stirred the hornets nest.

now you might have to rise to the occassion and take the medicine prescribed by a doctor

we are anxious to know the outcome of you hugging those close to you.

i am a north indian TB .I hug all not necessarily relatives.

It is a great experience

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Dear Sir,

Yes ...its logic..the role of parents end when a child gets married.

Doctor Mam,

You are right.

I reproduce hereunder my earlier posting for another thread which is quite pertinent to this topic too.

IMHO, the attachments and emotions of children when they marry and settle in life is something like Pole Vault event.

In this event, the vaulter needs the aid of the pole to take off from the ground and once he is up, he is supposed to release the pole and cross over the bar. He cannot hold the pole tightly, and when he is up, he has to necessarily throw the pole. This is the rule of this event. Parents are like pole I believe.

In general, once the children are married and settled, the need of the parents will wither s....l.....o.....w......l....y. Of course, there may be exceptions too.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

You have given a hard task for Rishi Sir!

When I visited the U S of A for the first time, there was a function at my sister in law's place. One tambram mAmA was hugging

all the lady guests introduced to him. I was watching this for quite some time. (In most of the tambram families, even the father

will NOT hug his daughter when she touches her teen age! Now some dads are changing.) When I was introduced to that mAmA,

I took one step back and did a 'namaskaram' with my hands and left that place. :bolt:

P.S: I know a few oldies who take advantage of their age and go around hugging all the girls in family gatherings! For me, it is yucks!

 

[Raji Ram]

Raji Maam,

Great. It must be a blessed family. I have known few families in Kerala try to live on old joint family values.
As one believes in living in a joint family I know it needs a lot of adjustments among the members to continue as a joint family.
But it is worth all the adjustments in life.
Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

Dear Sir,

You are 100% correct! Only those who really love people can understand the happiness of a joint family

and the adjustments needed! I am sure you are one of those blessed souls!

 

[renuka]

Doctor Mam,

You are right.

I reproduce hereunder my earlier posting for another thread which is quite pertinent to this topic too.

IMHO, the attachments and emotions of children when they marry and settle in life is something like Pole Vault event.

In this event, the vaulter needs the aid of the pole to take off from the ground and once he is up, he is supposed to release the pole and cross over the bar. He cannot hold the pole tightly, and when he is up, he has to necessarily throw the pole. This is the rule of this event. Parents are like pole I believe.

In general, once the children are married and settled, the need of the parents will wither s....l.....o.....w......l....y. Of course, there may be exceptions too.

Dear Sir,

I fully agree with what you wrote..after all Vanaprastha system was recommended in the past.

When both husband and wife are in Vanaprastha..the sons get to stay alone without any interference..then when the Sanyas stage is reached..the old lady is sent back to the sons house.

Now her jungle stint with her husband during Vanaprastha stage would make her appreciate life in a house better.In her absence her son and DIL would have established a deep relationship and MIL would just play second fiddle.

She would not misbehave as much becos I am sure she should not want any jungle stint again!LOL

 

[renuka]

P.S: I know a few oldies who take advantage of their age and go around hugging all the girls in family gatherings! For me, it is yucks!

Dear RR ji,

One day a topless mama is going to hug you in a temple!LOL

 

[renuka]

When one hugs a spouse...this song plays in the mind.

[video=youtube_share;SCp6W-nuBgg]http://youtu.be/SCp6W-nuBgg[/video]

 

[renuka]

When one hugs a child .this song plays in the mind.


[video=youtube_share;_noGMpg2goM]http://youtu.be/_noGMpg2goM[/video]

 

[renuka]

Dear Rishikeshan ji,

I have given 2 situation songs in my posts above to aid in the understanding of 2 different types of hugs.

 

[biswa]

Dear Renu,

You have given a hard task for Rishi Sir!

When I visited the U S of A for the first time, there was a function at my sister in law's place. One tambram mAmA was hugging

all the lady guests introduced to him. I was watching this for quite some time. (In most of the tambram families, even the father

will NOT hug his daughter when she touches her teen age! Now some dads are changing.) When I was introduced to that mAmA,

I took one step back and did a 'namaskaram' with my hands and left that place. :bolt:

P.S: I know a few oldies who take advantage of their age and go around hugging all the girls in family gatherings! For me, it is yucks!

RRji,

I wish the mama had really learned some western customs and started kissing (on the cheek). What would you do then? Refusing and/or not reciprocating would be quite rude.

 

[krish44]

hey

Stop teasing RRji

she is a simple traditional TB lady who does not remove her thali at foreign airports and put the item thru security check .

Biswaji is giving her heart attack with his post.lol

I have already suggested to her that she should carry pepper spray against north indian men if they bother her

I shall extend my list to include foreign men and foreign TBs also..lol

 

[krish44]

Dear RR ji,

One day a topless mama is going to hug you in a temple!LOL

renuka ji

you have a very imaginative mind.

your fantasies are getting played out in this thread.lol

 

[renuka]

renuka ji

you have a very imaginative mind.

your fantasies are getting played out in this thread.lol

you see..RR ji is allergic to topless mamas in temples!

When she sees what I wrote she is going to freak out.


BTW when Rishikeshan ji sees the situation songs I put for him..he is going to freak out too!LOL

 

[krish44]

Dear Sir,

I fully agree with what you wrote..after all Vanaprastha system was recommended in the past.

When both husband and wife are in Vanaprastha..the sons get to stay alone without any interference..then when the Sanyas stage is reached..the old lady is sent back to the sons house.

Now her jungle stint with her husband during Vanaprastha stage would make her appreciate life in a house better.In her absence her son and DIL would have established a deep relationship and MIL would just play second fiddle.

She would not misbehave as much becos I am sure she should not want any jungle stint again!LOL

Are our old age homes the much desired vanprastha for the parents ?

but it is directly parlokam from there -no returning to son and DIL