What to look for in a bride - I am an Iyer boy

[SIYER]

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Hi,

I open this thread for some senior as well as recently married boys to give their opinion on what to look for in a bride.

My parents are currently looking for a bride for me from the Iyer (Kerala) community. My family is reasonably well-to-do. I look handsome and very fair, as per general public.

What is important?

• Should the bride be beautiful or just homely and presentable
• Should I attach any importance to the girl's family's financial status.. Would it affect my and my wife's life if her parents are a little low in the financial security? For e.g. no own house; no decent income
• My parents (I can see in a discreet way) have presently been considering a girl who is a little brownish but homely and presentable, reasonably educated but from a struggling family, very simple and residing in a rental house. My Parents are shortly going to ask my opinion on this girl before they take it forward, hence my question. They obviously consider such a girl is the most suitable to our family..
• I don't have any opinion now, but would like to know from you seniors please...

 

[Jaykay767]

Some key criteria for selection:

1. Always always choose a “good person” as your life partner. You will never go wrong. They will stand by you for life, they will also turn you into a “good person”. Good is as contagious as bad.
2. Don’t focus on beauty/looks/fairness etc.., it will defocus you from choosing a “good person”
3. Choose Traditional person over modernity. Modern girls come with a lot of baggage, they will not do any household work, nor take care of in laws etc… so you have to choose carefully here – you have to ask them all the questions in advance & then if they say yes, then you can go ahead.
4. Traditional life partners will make the marriage work, but you have to put in hard labor when it comes to Modern life partners & even then it will not help, they will divorce you – LOL !!
5. Modern girls will not take care of the Kids,they will expect you to take a back seat in your career & take care of the kids!!
6. People rooted in religion/traditions, philanthropy/charity,etc. will mostly be good & will always try to do the right thing.
7. Look for decent education, don’t go overboard. One can always be taught or they can sign up for courses after marriage.
8. Avoid any alliance that says – broad minded/cosmopolitan– these are spoilt families where anything goes – sex, drugs, alcohol, etc..
9. Almost all the time (> 99%), the parents will choose the right person, so in your case, they have chosen wisely withoutbothering about good looks.

So, how do you judge?

1. All girls will mirror their mothers in time, so if the mother is aggressive, or talkative, or docile, that’s how the girl will turn out to be.
2. Ask her about her political preference & then very gently (don’t be aggressive) say you currently support the oppositeposition. See the reaction. She will aggressively try to convince you (strongly opinionated) OR she will ask you why do you support that position (less opinionated)?.Don’t fight over it, but you will know whether you will be comfortable with her or not. Some people like strongly opinionated persons, they enjoy listening to them, there is no right or wrong answer. It is about how comfortable you are with her.
3. Look at your father & mother. If your father is the dominant one in the relationship, then you choose the docile girl. If your mother is the dominant one in the relation, then you can choose either the docile or dominant girl.

All the best !

 

[tbs]

Hi,

I open this thread for some senior as well as recently married boys to give their opinion on what to look for in a bride.

My parents are currently looking for a bride for me from the Iyer (Kerala) community. My family is reasonably well-to-do. I look handsome and very fair, as per general public.

What is important?

• Should the bride be beautiful or just homely and presentable
• Should I attach any importance to the girl's family's financial status.. Would it affect my and my wife's life if her parents are a little low in the financial security? For e.g. no own house; no decent income
• My parents (I can see in a discreet way) have presently been considering a girl who is a little brownish but homely and presentable, reasonably educated but from a struggling family, very simple and residing in a rental house. My Parents are shortly going to ask my opinion on this girl before they take it forward, hence my question. They obviously consider such a girl is the most suitable to our family..
• I don't have any opinion now, but would like to know from you seniors please...

hi

keep option from other community....becoz BRAHMIN GALS ARE SCARCITY....keep every option....other wise...BACHELOR FOR

EVER....NOW A DAYS ....BRAHMIN GALS ARE PREFER FROM OTHER NB COMMUNITIES...its not warning...its reality...

 

[renuka]

My answers in blue

Hi,

I open this thread for some senior as well as recently married boys to give their opinion on what to look for in a bride.

My parents are currently looking for a bride for me from the Iyer (Kerala) community. My family is reasonably well-to-do. I look handsome and very fair, as per general public.

What is important?

• Should the bride be beautiful or just homely and presentable.

It depends on your taste and your own preference..better marry someone who matches your looks.

• Should I attach any importance to the girl's family's financial status.. Would it affect my and my wife's life if her parents are a little low in the financial security? For e.g. no own house; no decent income

It is always better to marry someone with similar financial background cos mindset will be similar and tendency to get carried away by money will be less.

• My parents (I can see in a discreet way) have presently been considering a girl who is a little brownish but homely and presentable, reasonably educated but from a struggling family, very simple and residing in a rental house. My Parents are shortly going to ask my opinion on this girl before they take it forward, hence my question. They obviously consider such a girl is the most suitable to our family..
• I don't have any opinion now, but would like to know from you seniors please...

I have no idea what is brownish shade cos there are 50 shades of grey and god knows how many shades of brown!LOL

Deepika Padukone herself is tan and not fair and she is such a drop dead beauty and much more beautiful than milk white Kareena Kapoor..so finally its not skin color that determines beauty..its over all personality,height and features and good physique.

Best is see the girl yourself and decide and make sure she likes you too cos she might have her own criteria.

 

[renuka]

.

So, how do you judge?

1. All girls will mirror their mothers in time, so if the mother is aggressive, or talkative, or docile, that’s how the girl will turn out to be.
2. Ask her about her political preference & then very gently (don’t be aggressive) say you currently support the oppositeposition. See the reaction. She will aggressively try to convince you (strongly opinionated) OR she will ask you why do you support that position (less opinionated)?.Don’t fight over it, but you will know whether you will be comfortable with her or not. Some people like strongly opinionated persons, they enjoy listening to them, there is no right or wrong answer. It is about how comfortable you are with her.
3. Look at your father & mother. If your father is the dominant one in the relationship, then you choose the docile girl. If your mother is the dominant one in the relation, then you can choose either the docile or dominant girl.

All the best !

Ha Ha Ha...Jaykay ji...you can never make out who is dominant and who is not by just asking a few questions!

No girl is so dumb to react right away if she likes the guy.

Girls know how to word their sentences.

When my husband's family came to view me that time I was posted in a rural set up heading a rural unit and the only officer in charge.

So my husband asked me "I see that you are in-charge of a unit fully on your own..so do you like being in charge?"

Then I thought.."If I say Yes..he is going to think I am dominant..if I say No he is going to think I am not capable"

So I replied this "Well it in indeed challenging to be on one's own as there is no others to discuss cases with and I do miss working with others..but at the same time this gives me an opportunity to learn handling cases on my own...so it does have its plus points and also drawbacks"

So Jaykay ji..he was floored by that answer.

It was becos I liked him I gave a nice diplomatic answer in cases where I did not like the mappillai I would just smile and not talk much.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

Not all girls are as smart as you!

I like Jaykay Sir's post - Truth and nothing but the truth! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear SIyer,

High profile / pretty / modern girls have loads of demands now a days.

In most of the arranged marriages, the parents look for a girl from a family, slightly less in status. Of course she should not

be more educated or in a higher position than you. It always creates problems. Your parents are the right persons to decide,

if you have not fallen in love so far!

Most important: Make sure the girl likes you and your parents.

All the best!

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,

Not all girls are as smart as you!

I like Jaykay Sir's post - Truth and nothing but the truth! :thumb:

Dear RR ji,

Tell me which girl will show her negative side right away if she likes a guy?

Everyone shows their best side before marriage.

Negative side is like a flower..it blooms much later after marriage.

So we can never really judge a book by its cover.

And as females age they tend to be "dominant" becos as estrogen drops post menoupase the ratio of hormones in body changes.

With males...most of them mellow with age and become "passive" becos of dip in testosterone.


So once upon a time that very same dominant mother of the bride would have been a shy docile bride.

If I compare myself to what I was 20 years ago..I feel I have become more of a Devil May Care person now.

So one should know the physiological changes that happen with age and judge a person based on solely on their age and not compare a bride with her mother or compare a groom with his father.

 

[Raji Ram]

......... So one should know the physiological changes that happen with age and judge a person based on solely on their age and not compare a bride with her mother or compare a groom with his father.

Dear Renu,
Jaykay Sir is trying to give a glimpse of the future too ! :decision:

Jokes apart, some docile girls continue to be the same even later in their life! :hail:

Anyway, bold girls don't like shy ambis / ammaa kOndus! :lol:

 

[Jaykay767]

Raji – thanks & appreciate the compliment!

Renuka – that’s exactly the reason one should look at mypoints 1 & 3 on how to judge. Their parents would have already gone throughthe vagaries of time incl. menopause & testosterone drops etc.. – LOL !!

lets say a boy meets a girl at age 25 today, how will anyoneknow what they will turn out to be in 20 yrs from now & what chance do they have in a marriage?

that’s why one should look at his father to judge him& her mother to judge her, that will tell you how they will be in 20 yrsfrom now.

If one’s parents have had a good, long marriage, then theboy should try & marry a girl similar to his mother, & similarly, agirl should try & marry a boy similar to her father. This will have thebest chance for a marriage. All that matters is compatibility, rest are irrelevantsemantics including looks etc...

This is what a horoscope also does – look forcompatibility areas & match them !!

 

[Jaykay767]

Renuka - Please show me 1 girl who does not mirror her mother in her lifetime? if the mother is lazy, the girl also will be lazy. The same goes for boys as well.

 

[krish44]

in arranged marriages , the persons marrying do not decide alone.the family comes in.

families decide based on their need and preferances

most families see that the girl joining the family can fit into the family and not disturb the status quo too much

parents normally would look for horoscope, status[normally same or lower than

themselves] ,caste,subcaste etc

, most parents would foist traditional,less educated than boy,homely ,[not very beautiful] , girls on

boys. they would prefer a girl 3-4 years younger than the boy

boys would like the exact opposite modern looks, pretty, equally if not more educated, almost

same age they can bond with ,simllar interests,hobbies, sophisticated. mostly unlike their mothers.

most would be turned off with their parents choice of girls who in their opinions fit for last century

men.

this is the basic dilemma.of contradictory preferances.

most boys are not particularly enamoured of caste,status,horoscope etc

then as tbs sir put it, it is the girls preferance and not boys these days

a reasonable way out would be to choose the basics- correctly-education,[brahmins priority-same

or little lower than boy], age [ couple of years ], job [a little less if not same as boy], decent looks

[boy to decide] and who can bond with boy if not the family. one could try match of equals if

feasible. all other elements can be kept open for compromise. such an approach would get good

results but may not satisfy all but boy is bound to be happy with the choice. this will lead to better

future. marriages are successes based on boy and girl and their ability to come to terms with

issues not on parents aspirations alone


,

 

[renuka]

If one’s parents have had a good, long marriage, then theboy should try & marry a girl similar to his mother, & similarly, agirl should try & marry a boy similar to her father. This will have thebest chance for a marriage.

Dear Jaykay ji,

Why should anyone want spouses to be like their parents?Its like having an Oedipus and Electra complex!Yucks!

If we see our husband as similar to Appa or wife as similar to Amma how on earth will we feel Lovvu and have some amount of Lust to keep it going?

Now way man...I love my parents and they are good parents to manage a child like me but I do not want to be reminded of my dad when I look at my husband.

Appa is Appa..Purushan is Purushan.

Amma is Amma..Pondatti is Pondatti.

 

[Jaykay767]

Renuka –

that’s called winning the game even before it is played. Bymatching the compatibility areas, the horoscope guarantees the success;similarly matching the future life partner with their parents will guaranteethe success of the marriage!!

 

[Jaykay767]

Renuka –

It is genetic, nothing to do with why anyone will want tochoose life partners similar to their parents. You will automatically fall fora guy who has similar characteristics like your father, similarly for the guys.

Similarly girls from broken families will fall for a guylike their father & end up with the a broken marriage…

Genetics @ play…, nothing do with choice…

 

[krish44]

Dear Jaykay ji,

Why should anyone want spouses to be like their parents?Its like having an Oedipus and Electra complex!Yucks!

If we see our husband as similar to Appa or wife as similar to Amma how on earth will we feel Lovvu and have some amount of Lust to keep it going?

Now way man...I love my parents and they are good parents to manage a child like me but I do not want to be reminded of my dad when I look at my husband.

Appa is Appa..Purushan is Purushan.

Amma is Amma..Pondatti is Pondatti.

how to choose pondatti according to you?

 

[Jaykay767]

Just to be clear, it is not about looks. ie. girls will not necessarily choose a guy who looks like her father unless her father is a very handsome guy. it is about similar behavior, similar professions, similar lifestyles, similar tastes etc..

 

[renuka]

Renuka - Please show me 1 girl who does not mirror her mother in her lifetime? if the mother is lazy, the girl also will be lazy. The same goes for boys as well.

Dear Jaykay ji,

I will show you one and that is me.

My mother is very particular about her home.

I on the other hand hate to even make my bed.

My mother loves to cook with spices all right and balanced..I hate to use spices and love bland food.

My mother believes all stories her friends tell her for example some nut case friend of her told her that some beauty product from India contains Arsenic..I on the other hand do not fall for hear say evidence without evidence.

For my mother..right is right and wrong is wrong.She does not tolerate misbehavior.
She does not tolerate anyone dressing up in revealing clothes.

For me even if others do not wear clothes I do not care..its their life and for me I prefer people who are not boringly good.

My mum has high regards for those who are religious..but for me I view the very religious with suspicion.

My mum is not too bothered about exercise but I am a fitness freak!LOL

So you see..my mum and I are like day and night.

BTW I am not like my father too..my father is as good as my mum!

May be I am adopted!LOL

 

[renuka]

Just to be clear, it is not about looks. ie. girls will not necessarily choose a guy who looks like her father unless her father is a very handsome guy. it is about similar behavior, similar professions, similar lifestyles, similar tastes etc..

I am also not talking about looks.


My father is also handsome BTW..I look like him!LOL My husband is also good looking and his looks differs from my dad.

Anyway its not about looks..its about something different.

Two people can be good but they need not be similar.

So my dad is good and my husband is good but they are not the same.

I like different stuff..why have a buy 1 free 1 scenario even in life?

 

[Jaykay767]

Renuka – you are comparing the wrong things.

1. Are you & your mother both docile,outspoken?
2. Are you both aggressive in your life in terms ofambition, opinions, etc.. ?
3. Are you both followers or dominant in your relationships?
4. Are you both decisive or indecisive?
5. Do you both compromise or fight for your rights withina relationship ?
6. Do you both need to be right in any discussion ORyou just take part in a discussion as timepass activity, irrespective of whowins it ?

 

[Jaykay767]

Similarly compare your husband with your father !

 

[renuka]

how to choose pondatti according to you?

Why should I choose a Pondatti? I am not LBGT!LOL

 

[krish44]

Why should I choose a Pondatti? I am not LBGT!LOL

if you can imagine you are a ghost, why not think like a man and decide on criteria

 

[renuka]

if you can imagine you are a ghost, why not think like a man and decide on criteria

Ghost is still a female ghost..who wants to imagine being a male! No way!

 

[renuka]

Similarly compare your husband with your father !

No!

Appa is Appa.

Purushan is Purushan.

Its unhealthy to compare both of them.

I can compare my brothers with my father but not my husband with my dad. Dont you get it JK?