What to look for in a bride - I am an Iyer boy

[renuka]

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Where is Sri. Iyer? :spy:

Are we taken for a ride as in some earlier threads? :noidea:

Dear RR ji,

It does not really matter who takes whom for a ride..at least this gives everyone of us a chance to talk about our arranged marriages!LOL

 

[Vaagmi]

Septuagenarians, octogenarians etc., recalling with a lot of added and concocted masala (except premarital sex, which appears to be the in-thing in the heaven called US of A--perhaps because they are not their grandsons/granddaughters as yet the culture holding them back) have filled up the pages here with anecdotes, dreams coming true, chemistry, biology, economics, "endocrin"ology etc., It would have been more interesting if they had written about their escapades too. If we ask their spouses we may hear the other half of the story which may not be confirming whatever these reels narrate. And these are of no use to Mr. Iyer. I would tell him just this:

Marriage is a serious matter. There are three stages involved.

1. Parental consent and approval. Parents represent at least 40 years more of experience in this world. So do not discount all that they say. speak to them clearly tell them what you would personally look for in a bride and her family. and then let them choose a shortlist of girls meeting their expectations which will include your expectations too. These are simple parameters like height, build, complexion, economic status, family history, horoscopes, educational qualifications, job etc., I have left out salary income of the girl deliberately because a man who can not have the confidence to run a family with his own income does not deserve a wife and family until he acquires that ability. As you can see the first stage involves only set parameters which are understood by everyone. It is not difficult for the parents to work with their son and prepare a preliminary requirement document and proceed further.

2. If these parameters are met fully or at least upto the satisfactory mark set by you with your parents, insist on meeting the girl - in an atmosphere free of a formal "girl seeing" pressure-cooker atmosphere. Take the girl to a five or three star restaurant with her parents and your parents for an evening and dinner. spend time there assessing the girl while she will also be assessing you. Get her phone number so that you can engage her in conversations whenever she is free. Get to know her dreams and tell her yours. If she agrees you can meet her also. after a week if you still feel like calling her and meeting her, kuch kuch hota hai inside you whenever you remember her, tell your parents that you will marry only her and ask them to fix the marriage.

3. after marriage usually a little bit of disappointment will certainly come in. Most of the girls and boys visualise marriage as something enacted in a love story cenema. Even the septuagenarians here are unable to imagine the love-marriage without the mandatory falling on one knee, catching the hand of the girl and uttering with a flourish the 'I love you' thing like the Victorian dramatis personae like Romeo said to Juliet or Malvalio wanted to say to Viola. LOL. So your wife/girl and your love for her requires careful nurturing. The girl, in the Indian context, comes to your house transplanted from a different family and so there can be clash of culture, values and attitudes. adjustments will take time. It requires careful nurturing. You have to be aware that you are neither a momma's boy nor a henpecked husband. careful playing of your roles will reassure the girl in a course of 3 or 4 years and she will be then on her own right a full fledged member of your family-both demanding and giving. Be ever ready to listen so that you always remain informed of what is happening inside that human being.

4. After this, children will come and occupy your and her space and you both will yield to them willingly and happily.

5.Everything I have written above is from personal experience.

This is advice to Mr. Iyer who asked for it. If it was a girl the advice will be a little different. Before RRji comes in and wonders why I write turorials like this. I close and withdraw. Mr. Iyer, all the best--that is if you are a real iyer looking for advice here.

 

[renuka]

OMG! What a long post from Vaagmi ji and its scary to read what he wrote.It seems that he feels that a male must be in charge of the economics of the house alone.It is not safe for just one spouse to work cos if either one kicks the bucket at least the other is still earning and having just one person earning will the other spouse totally financially dependent on the other..Neti Neti...this is not good.

Marriage isn't all that mechanical like what Vaagmi ji wrote...there is nothing to adjust unless you are marrying a MCP!LOL

Marriage is all about Bhakti,Bhava and Moha in correct doses.

Always remember when we buy a garment..we have to try it on ourselves..we do not ask our father or mother to try it first to see if it fits them before we buy it. There is no garment that fits all for daily life.

There are only 2 garments that fit all...a sanyasis garb and a Kafan!LOL


BTW anyone contemplating marriage should have the "guts" to make their own decision.

No harm asking parents advise but final decision is yours..remember its your life and not anyone elses.

 

[L. Ramakrishnan]

I have gone through the interesting discussion on your query. If someone has a "Pucca" answer to your questions, we should be considered fortunate.

All the parameters that you have mentioned are indeed temporary. What is beautiful today may not be tomorrow. Who is rich / poor today may not be rich / poor tomorrow. Your job and earnings are not constant...they may go up and down. Handsome is only relative...it is in the eyes of the beholder ! I don't say that things may not improve....change can be for the positive too.

As a father of two girls (rather ladies now) who are well settled with their families, I can only say that the girl and girl's parents also will have similar anxieties. What is important is "compatibility" between the boy and the girl. Please understand that no marriage is PERFECT; marriages tend towards perfection if you take care of the compatibility before deciding the spouse. When you become a "Man", you need to make yourself compatible to your partner. That is going to tell you if you are a Man or still a boy. Wealth, education, beauty, status, family etc., are important...but the boundaries are determined by you....in these days you have opportunities to interact with the proposed partner, without even meeting, through the internet (e.g. skype)...why don't you have interaction with the proposed partner (of course, with the permission of her parents and your parents if that is desired) for at least a month before deciding on the compatibility ?

Have faith in GOD....He will guide you in the right direction.

 

[Raji Ram]

Well written tutorial from the generous Vaagmi Sir.

Generous because he has bestowed most of us decades of added age!

BTW, I don't think there is added masAlA in any of the posts in this thread!

 

[krish44]

refer post #52 of vaagmiji

first we have to decide who is getting married parents or children?

parents would do well to keep their 40 years experience in their coat pockets and keep their

noses out of their childrens lives and let them manage their lives

in olden days very young children [ boys around 19-21and girls around 17-20 got married they

required to be guided.

now these days boys are in age group 26 -30 yrs and girls atleast 23 -24 yrs . most of them

are mature , economically independant and know what they want and what they should keep

away from. it would be insensible for parents to decide on vital parameters of girl such as height

,weight, complexion,looks, edu or job details . parents can stick to minimal things like

, horoscope ,family , caste ,religion. none really matter except for middle class except perhaps

religion to some extent. it would be more dignjfied for parents if they can behave like indian

head of state instead of .PM.

most indian marriages are on rocks because of parental overdrive and undue exercise of

authority/ role by parents

boy and girls can meet informally if they are satisfied with online chat or skype couple of times

somewhere for coffee to decide tif they want to get into serious relationship. if it is yes , parents

can meet to arrange the details of the marriage ceremony.

it is to be realised that boy and the girl are getting married and they should decide consulting

parents if necessary or out of courtesy. marriages so finalised will be without friction and last long

others are likely to be under strain and collapse at the earliest

 

[Vaagmi]

refer post #52 of vaagmiji

first we have to decide who is getting married parents or children?

parents would do well to keep their 40 years experience in their coat pockets and keep their

noses out of their childrens lives and let them manage their lives

in olden days very young children [ boys around 19-21and girls around 17-20 got married they

required to be guided.

now these days boys are in age group 26 -30 yrs and girls atleast 23 -24 yrs . most of them

are mature , economically independant and know what they want and what they should keep

away from. it would be insensible for parents to decide on vital parameters of girl such as height

,weight, complexion,looks, edu or job details . parents can stick to minimal things like

, horoscope ,family , caste ,religion. none really matter except for middle class except perhaps

religion to some extent. it would be more dignjfied for parents if they can behave like indian

head of state instead of .PM.

most indian marriages are on rocks because of parental overdrive and undue exercise of

authority/ role by parents

boy and girls can meet informally if they are satisfied with online chat or skype couple of times

somewhere for coffee to decide tif they want to get into serious relationship. if it is yes , parents

can meet to arrange the details of the marriage ceremony.

it is to be realised that boy and the girl are getting married and they should decide consulting

parents if necessary or out of courtesy. marriages so finalised will be without friction and last long

others are likely to be under strain and collapse at the earliest

Krishji,

Please read my post again. I have asked Mr. Iyer to sit with his parents and decide on the height, build etc of the girl as he expects them to be. I did not say all these have to be decided by parents. He just includes his parents in the preparation of a requirements document.

I do not agree with you when you say that parents have no role in the s knowledge and election of a girl for the son. Their worldly knowledge and experience does matter.

I have not come across a single failed marriage in my family and friends circle where the parents along with the boy played their enabling role. Each one understands a situation depending on his apparatus. LOL.

i have several cases where the girls and boys chose their own matches and the marriages have ended up in either shambles or in a "I tolerate you and you tolerate me because we have kids" situation.

More can be written. But I stop here.

 

[krish44]

vaagmiji
there are more cases of failed marriages due to undue exercise of parental power and their ego

clashes with sambandhis.

no working lady these days would like to share her home with inlaws.

inlaws have become outlaws in their own home

it would be wise for parents to keep a safe distance from their children if they are financially viable

after the marriage of their children.

families are becoming autonomous. girls are clear that they want their own space and would like to

live with their husbands separately.

most boys prefer their wives to parents. this is the new reality

if boys have live for a lifetime separately, it would be much better , if they themselves decide the

person they would like to share their lives with. parents can give their suggestion /advise if it is

sought.otherwise it is vivekam that parents keep their own counsel

 

[Vaagmi]

OMG! What a long post from Vaagmi ji and its scary to read what he wrote.It seems that he feels that a male must be in charge of the economics of the house alone.It is not safe for just one spouse to work cos if either one kicks the bucket at least the other is still earning and having just one person earning will the other spouse totally financially dependent on the other..Neti Neti...this is not good.
Marriage isn't all that mechanical like what Vaagmi ji wrote...there is nothing to adjust unless you are marrying a MCP!LOL
Marriage is all about Bhakti,Bhava and Moha in correct doses.
Always remember when we buy a garment..we have to try it on ourselves..we do not ask our father or mother to try it first to see if it fits them before we buy it. There is no garment that fits all for daily life.
There are only 2 garments that fit all...a sanyasis garb and a Kafan!LOL
BTW anyone contemplating marriage should have the "guts" to make their own decision.
No harm asking parents advise but final decision is yours..remember its your life and not anyone elses.

I do not want to make this lengthy:

1. You have jumped the gun again. LOL.

2. Give a second reading to my post.

3. I wrote all that without even a trace of male chauvinism in mind. I did not say a girl should not go to work and earn. I just said the man should earn adequately to take care of a family by himself alone. So your fear of one kicking the bucket, financial dependence etc., are imaginations coming out of a unnecessarily heightened sensitivity. Let the girl work and let the man not be a lazy bone.

4. All of us adjust to any new environment. We adjust to a new office/work place, a new car, a new country where we may go for work/holiday, a new house in a different location in the city etc., So adjusting to a new house and its members is called adjustment for want of a better word. I do not understand how this is equated with chauvinism. Please enlighten me. If it is straightaway a thanikkudiththanam it is a different story. But everyone does not go into a thanikkudiththanam immediately after marriage. Some girls actually prefer to live in the husband's house because of the net advantages that accrue.

5. You are obsessed with the idea of a male chauvinist.

6. marriage is all about love, love, respect, understanding and enjoying the life together.

7. family is like a military formation in combat. battles are to fought and won. If lost, lessons are to be learnt before regrouping and going for more attempts until goals are reached. In military a formation has to have a commander whose command is respected implicitly. Not because he is intelligence personified. But because he is in that position. There is no place for bickerings, back-stabbings. One wrong move by those under the command will get the entire formation wiped out. The leader is aware of his responsibility just as the soldiers are. Now apply this to the family situation. You will understand how it is different from the chauvinism that you are obsessed with.

8. Yes it is just your wife and not anyone elses. I am hearing this said for the millionth time. LOL.

 

[Vaagmi]

vaagmiji
there are more cases of failed marriages due to undue exercise of parental power and their ego

clashes with sambandhis.

no working lady these days would like to share her home with inlaws.

inlaws have become outlaws in their own home

it would be wise for parents to keep a safe distance from their children if they are financially viable

after the marriage of their children.

families are becoming autonomous. girls are clear that they want their own space and would like to

live with their husbands separately.

most boys prefer their wives to parents. this is the new reality

if boys have live for a lifetime separately, it would be much better , if they themselves decide the

person they would like to share their lives with. parents can give their suggestion /advise if it is

sought.otherwise it is vivekam that parents keep their own counsel

I really do not know.

I am coming across cases where smart girls live next door to their inlaws and let them take care of their children. I know cases in India where in-laws goes to a rented house near the house of their son to take care of the children. So the girls remember their inlaws only when their children start going to schools. I also know many "proud" babysiitter inlaws who keep hopping to US and London and Bonn in turns to do the baby sitting. And this perhaps indicate that our "girl" has to make the "adjustments" not immediately after marriage but later when she becomes a grandma. LOL. any way adjustment is adjustment.

I would say I am misunderstood if you think I am for overbearing and intrusive parents. No. Read my post again after hanging your prejudices in your coat stand. LOL. Just leg pulling. No malice.

 

[JR]

To the OP:

Certain amount of 'gut feeling' or 'intuition' is required. When my husband came to see me, I could judge as soon as he started talking to me that he was a nice man. His wide and big, expressive eyes clearly indicated his honest, sincere and truthful nature to me. Likewise, he told me that when he sees anyone for a good amount of time, he gets a feeling about that person and that when he met me, he felt I was a good person. So we mutually agreed and married.

Also, it might be helpful to talk openly about your plans for the future when you meet the girl. My husband was employed in the US for about an year or so when he met me. He told me that time that anytime his project might get over and he could return to India for good. At that time, it was no big deal for me inspite of my plans for the future. To some, this might be unwelcome news. Likewise for other situations.

 

[krish44]

I really do not know.

I am coming across cases where smart girls live next door to their inlaws and let them take care of their children. I know cases in India where in-laws goes to a rented house near the house of their son to take care of the children. So the girls remember their inlaws only when their children start going to schools. I also know many "proud" babysiitter inlaws who keep hopping to US and London and Bonn in turns to do the baby sitting. And this perhaps indicate that our "girl" has to make the "adjustments" not immediately after marriage but later when she becomes a grandma. LOL. any way adjustment is adjustment.

I would say I am misunderstood if you think I am for overbearing and intrusive parents. No. Read my post again after hanging your prejudices in your coat stand. LOL. Just leg pulling. No malice.

you are not right in your thinking if you believe they depend on inaws alone to take care for their

chidren. for most of the girls ,the girls parents are their first priority for taking care of their kids.

only if they are not able to have them, they might consider boys parents after considering the

economics of baby sitting thru maids and creches. boys parents are the last of the alternatives.

if parents role is consultative instead of intrusive , boys and daughter in law may reluctantly put up

with it instead of outright rejection. I might have been harsh in my assessment of your post since I

see such parental intrusions leading to break up of many marriages .

more parents of boys are ending up in senior citizen homes due to misunderstandings between

parents of boys and son and daughter in law. simiarly more marriage breakups due to differences

between boys and girls , blame being placed on parents. it is a disturbing scenario