Growing live-in relationships - is it threat to india?

[KRS]

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Dear Sri sarang Ji,

If you have read my postings in this Forum, I have clearly stated that 'I don't know what TB culture is'.

I am not the one who is beating my chest about 'safeguarding the TB culture' as a self styled guardian angel. You are.

Seems to me if you can not clearly define this 'TB culture', then may I suggest that you can not protect it either, as you yourself don't know what you are protecting!

Regards,
KRS

Instead of asking questions perhaps a better approach would be to define your understanding TB culture. If the answer is there is no culture, then a different approach may be necessary.

We are all self appointed leaders; the media always refer to all swamis, yogis, pracharaks, acharyas as 'self styled'. We are all kings, as our domestic democratic constitution says (nam ellorum innattu mannar). By the same token, nobody has the right or credentials to question another's self appointment.

 

[KRS]

palindrome,

You are right. In fact, while I was working in Chennai, I was told there were on demand abortion clinics, where a newly pregnant girl can go to, and without anyone needing to know abort within a couple of hours, and go home that evening as if nothing has happened.

Indian society, unfortunately over time has evolved in to an hypocritical one.

Regards,
KRS

Very nicely put sir.

Years ago, i lived in a hostel. Girls came from various backgrounds. Money was not a criteria to decide morality. There were conservative people from rich families, and also progressive people from rich families.

Many females had a boyfriend (some also changed the boyfriend, often if a richer guy liked the female he got her). Some females also did things prohibited before marriage with the boyfriend; though getting pregnant was rarest of rare (maybe 2 or 3 incidents maximum per year).

I found it kinda ironical that females from conservative families (those who wore dupatta so perfectly well) were almost always the first to go flying. Maybe staying in a hostel meant freedom from repressive parents. These girls wud change so quickly. Some progressed to miniskirts in a few months time, whilst some remained traditionally clothed and yet had a boyfriend unknown to others until the secret somehow got out.

The secret got out in so many ways, some wud miss their period (more out of severe anxiety after the first time than actually getting pregnant), some wud be spotted buying contraceptive stuff, some wud get a letter which a prying roommate would spy on and find out the secret, and so on.

On the other hand, girls from progressive families, were not keen to cross the lakshman rekha in any relationship (the concept of 'fun' and 'freedom' had a different context to these (sensible) females). Some did not even bother to have a boyfriend. They did not care for that peer pressure value.

We also got to hear stories from the boys' hostels. Closet gays was the most whispered topic, almost with a kinda shock one cud not imagine. Even young guys (who were not gay) wud blame western influence for this. A couple rumored to be gay wud loose friends almost overnight. Other guys did not like being seen in their company. Unless a well known casanova, most guys did not want to be mistaken for a gay.

Am not really sure why people deride and blame western influence for tolerance of gays. I do not think everything (was) or is perfect in the world of elderly people. The ancient world seems pretty much tolerant to me. Can never understand, why this tendency to blame west for anything and everything which one assumes is "not there" amongst us.

As you say so rightly about being honest, i feel, we must applaud gays for being honest with their lives, if they chose to live with their gay partner, instead of ruining a girl's life.

Also, looking at how females from conservative families behaved, must say, i have many doubts about conservatism, traditionalism -- what these "really" think they are upholding?

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri prasad1 Ji,

I am posting here not for a few here who are posting, who seem to have closed their minds long ago.

I am clarifying patiently for the silent majority of readers out there, hopefully a lot of them youngsters. If I can let them understand, may be they can think about what everyone is saying here and come to their own conclusions based on their capacity to think and individual temperament.

Many may not agree with my pov. But at least they have the plain truth spoken with facts, not this jingoistic 'what it should be', often posting wrong inferences based on wrong assumptions and emotional vituperative slogans, to understand what is going on.

Our kids in India are good as any. Only the system is failing them. They have every right to choose any life style that makes them happy and adjusted, as long as they are true to themselves. If they choose the so called 'traditional' or 'orthodox' or 'conservative' lives on that basis, and if it works for them, I will be a very happy man.

Regards,
KRS

I am being facetious.
You an Indian Americam (IA) how dare you point out the truth about Us pious, drenched in Tamil Brahmin Culture.
The day you left India you lost the right to tell us anything. You do not have culture as only we have the exclusive right to Culture (what ever that means).


Your point is well made but the people who need to listen have closed their ears.

 

[prasad1]

Dear Sri prasad1 Ji,

I am posting here not for a few here who are posting, who seem to have closed their minds long ago.

I am clarifying patiently for the silent majority of readers out there, hopefully a lot of them youngsters. If I can let them understand, may be they can think about what everyone is saying here and come to their own conclusions based on their capacity to think and individual temperament.

Many may not agree with my pov. But at least they have the plain truth spoken with facts, not this jingoistic 'what it should be', often posting wrong inferences based on wrong assumptions and emotional vituperative slogans, to understand what is going on.

Our kids in India are good as any. Only the system is failing them. They have every right to choose any life style that makes them happy and adjusted, as long as they are true to themselves. If they choose the so called 'traditional' or 'orthodox' or 'conservative' lives on that basis, and if it works for them, I will be a very happy man.

Regards,
KRS

I have no argument with that POV. Everybody has to have their own set of Values. These will be unique set for each individual. I respect that, it bothers me when someone takes up the responsibility of upholding their values as "culture" for all others.
Let me alone with my value, I will not impose my value on you.

 

[renuka]

So says Krishna - kulanasanam when women go astray.

Dear Sarang ji,

So says Arjuna!

It was Arjuna who spoke about Kulanasanam when women go astray.Lord Krishna never agreed nor disagreed with him.

All Lord Krishna did was to listen to all of Arjuna's excuses of not wanting to fight and then said

​

sri-bhagavan uvaca:​

kutas tva kasmalam idam
visame samupasthitam
anarya-justam asvargyam
akirti-karam arjuna​

The Supreme Person [Bhagavan] said: My dear Arjuna, how have these impurities come upon you? They are not at all befitting a man who knows the progressive values of life. They do not lead to higher planets, but to infamy.​

 

[prasad1]

Dear Sarang ji,

So says Arjuna!

It was Arjuna who spoke about Kulanasanam when women go astray.Lord Krishna never agreed nor disagreed with him.

All Lord Krishna did was to listen to all of Arjuna's excuses of not wanting to fight and then said

​

sri-bhagavan uvaca:​

kutas tva kasmalam idam
visame samupasthitam
anarya-justam asvargyam
akirti-karam arjuna​

The Supreme Person [Bhagavan] said: My dear Arjuna, how have these impurities come upon you? They are not at all befitting a man who knows the progressive values of life. They do not lead to higher planets, but to infamy.​

OOps mix up between arjuna speak and Krishna's words. (or convenient version).

 

[sarang]

Thanks for the correction. Krishna will not say that.

Dear Sarang ji,

So says Arjuna!

It was Arjuna who spoke about Kulanasanam when women go astray.Lord Krishna never agreed nor disagreed with him.

All Lord Krishna did was to listen to all of Arjuna's excuses of not wanting to fight and then said

​

sri-bhagavan uvaca:​

kutas tva kasmalam idam
visame samupasthitam
anarya-justam asvargyam
akirti-karam arjuna​

The Supreme Person [Bhagavan] said: My dear Arjuna, how have these impurities come upon you? They are not at all befitting a man who knows the progressive values of life. They do not lead to higher planets, but to infamy.​

 

[sunila2738]

Social values keep changing. Even after decades of married life, some couples fight with peace to no one in the family. Although there is no love between them which is the most crucial binding force between a man and a woman, they stay together in married life for fear of retribution of their kith and kin and the society in general. Some who feel bitten beyond the power of endurance take the matter to the Court and you know how the issue drags on in Indian family courts. If only you are very close to them you can know about their pains and misery. A man and a woman who choose to be in live-in-relationship do not commit anything illegal or immoral. In fact, it is better than a marriage lacking in love and harmony as long as there is no exploitation of one by the other. Perhaps in the next century, live-in-relationships will become the norm rather than exception and only we may not live to see it happen

 

[sangom]

Dear Sri Sangom Ji Sir,

After I got married to my Jewish American wife, we went to India to get

the blessings of my elders. My uncle, who was very orthodox, and whose

household I grew up in, challenged my wife on American life in general

and Jewish life in particular. He had a group of friends who fed him

information about America and life there in their nightly 'Arattu Thinnai'

sessions, from information gathered from various newspapers and

magazines. So, when she stated certain things that were based on real life

experience of hers, that were contrary to his notion of what American life

should be, he discounted her version.

You remind me very much of that conversation. Life long experiences of

some folks in this Forum from North America does not matter at all. But a

'general feeling' from the community about the NA IA TB lads matters;

without any concrete data. Of course a couple of moms' pronouncements

that their own daughters are sleeping around (I have not in my life has

come across normal moms who would say such things about their own

daughters!) is 'veda vakyam'. And from this, one can then generalize that

all or most of the IA TB kids are being trained 'in schools' to sleep around.

Unfortunately, this is 'Truth' seeking to prove a wrong assumption.

Thanks.

Regards,
KRS

Dear Shri KRS,

What you have written above will surely appeal to anyone and I have no problems about it.

As to moms going on spreading the news that their daughters are sleeping around, etc., that also can be completely discounted; no IA TB lady will say such things while in NA. But I think you also may agree that deep inside every heart there can be some thoughts which will come out only on special occasions like a middle-aged woman meeting her old, frail and sick mother etc. I came to know about this (of course from my wife). To me this proves only that at least a few IA mothers may have some reservations about the way their daughter/s are growing up in US but they will not normally reveal it. Whether you believe it or not, is your choice.

I have found, at least till a few years ago, our tabra boys migrating to US being insistent upon marrying a tabra girl from India. I don't know if this preference has since vanished, but when it was there, the underlying reason was their disbelief in the TB girls being brought up properly there.

We may (and probably will) continue to reiterate our respective views but the fact remains that the TBs here do not believe that children are brought up with the same level of discipline in the foreign countries.

 

[prasad1]

We may (and probably will) continue to reiterate our respective views but the fact remains that the TBs here do not believe that children are brought up with the same level of discipline in the foreign countries.

Sorry for intruding.

Do TB's living in Tanjore believe that TB living in Delhi has same level of Discipline?
I know my family haling from Tanjore city would talk badly about Mannarkudi tb Discipline and traits.
I also remember Vada desa Vadama Tamil Brahmins not trusting Brecharnam TB, and would refuse to intermarry.
Iyangar Brahmins still refuse to marry smartha Brahmins.

So how far should we dig to get a consensus view.

It is a way to divide us one way or the other.

 

[Jaykay767]

When people cannot argue on substance, they argue on semantics !!

What is the big deal if the Tanjore Brams comment about others or vice versa ? yes, there are a num of differences between various TB groups. Every TB family in TN/South India will have some minor variation. These variations are semantics – this is the Garlic vs Non Garlic discussion

Most TBs in South India follow the same traditions/culture except a few minor variations. TBs in North also follow most of the tradition with some additional minor variations. However IA TB’s are influenced by a strong western culture & many have discarded our tradition/culture in a significant manner, hence many Indian TBs were wary of giving kids to IA’s.

 

[sangom]

Sorry for intruding.

Do TB's living in Tanjore believe that TB living in Delhi has same level of Discipline?
I know my family haling from Tanjore city would talk badly about Mannarkudi tb Discipline and traits.
I also remember Vada desa Vadama Tamil Brahmins not trusting Brecharnam TB, and would refuse to intermarry.
Iyangar Brahmins still refuse to marry smartha Brahmins.

So how far should we dig to get a consensus view.

It is a way to divide us one way or the other.

Dear Prasad,

It is not aimed at dividing any community or caste group. The disparities between TBs of different sub-sects and between those from different areas is not based on the same kind of considerations which weigh when considering a TB born and brought up abroad. And, in fact, it works in the reverse as well; do you feel that any TB boy or girl, who is born and brought up abroad, will like to marry from the TB community in India? I think that barring small exceptions from the very rich , metro-cultured, globe-trotting families, a marriage alliance will be impossible and if such a thing happens the marriage will be a failure.

It has mostly to do with cultural values. And the same, cultural values, makes a Mumbai youth prefer a spouse from Mumbai, a delhi youth another from Delhi itself, a Kolkotta person asking for a bong Tabra spouse and so on. In effect I think society is regressing to our old "sub-caste" phenomenon in a different way.

 

[sarang]

Going by the matrimonial ads, the brides in US want tambrams settled in US. Grooms look for tambram girls with potential and willingness to relocate to US.

Dear Shri KRS,

What you have written above will surely appeal to anyone and I have no problems about it.

As to moms going on spreading the news that their daughters are sleeping around, etc., that also can be completely discounted; no IA TB lady will say such things while in NA. But I think you also may agree that deep inside every heart there can be some thoughts which will come out only on special occasions like a middle-aged woman meeting her old, frail and sick mother etc. I came to know about this (of course from my wife). To me this proves only that at least a few IA mothers may have some reservations about the way their daughter/s are growing up in US but they will not normally reveal it. Whether you believe it or not, is your choice.

I have found, at least till a few years ago, our tabra boys migrating to US being insistent upon marrying a tabra girl from India. I don't know if this preference has since vanished, but when it was there, the underlying reason was their disbelief in the TB girls being brought up properly there.

We may (and probably will) continue to reiterate our respective views but the fact remains that the TBs here do not believe that children are brought up with the same level of discipline in the foreign countries.

 

[sarang]

earlier generations had greater affinity for their native places; less so now after getting acclamatized for two generations.

Dear Prasad,

It is not aimed at dividing any community or caste group. The disparities between TBs of different sub-sects and between those from different areas is not based on the same kind of considerations which weigh when considering a TB born and brought up abroad. And, in fact, it works in the reverse as well; do you feel that any TB boy or girl, who is born and brought up abroad, will like to marry from the TB community in India? I think that barring small exceptions from the very rich , metro-cultured, globe-trotting families, a marriage alliance will be impossible and if such a thing happens the marriage will be a failure.

It has mostly to do with cultural values. And the same, cultural values, makes a Mumbai youth prefer a spouse from Mumbai, a delhi youth another from Delhi itself, a Kolkotta person asking for a bong Tabra spouse and so on. In effect I think society is regressing to our old "sub-caste" phenomenon in a different way.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Prasad,

It is not aimed at dividing any community or caste group. The disparities between TBs of different sub-sects and between those from different areas is not based on the same kind of considerations which weigh when considering a TB born and brought up abroad. And, in fact, it works in the reverse as well; do you feel that any TB boy or girl, who is born and brought up abroad, will like to marry from the TB community in India? I think that barring small exceptions from the very rich , metro-cultured, globe-trotting families, a marriage alliance will be impossible and if such a thing happens the marriage will be a failure.

It has mostly to do with cultural values. And the same, cultural values, makes a Mumbai youth prefer a spouse from Mumbai, a delhi youth another from Delhi itself, a Kolkotta person asking for a bong Tabra spouse and so on. In effect I think society is regressing to our old "sub-caste" phenomenon in a different way.

100% correct.

why, even within this forum, 60+ years old folks, many of us, have widely varying views, based on our life experiences, place of domicile and our experiences with other groups.

my son will have nothing in common with a tambram brought up in calicut or tanjore, though he might some connection with those from bangalore or mumbai. that is a fact due to migration.

previous generations did not mind going back to the native village to seek brides. but no more. because there are no more brides left there. and people have changed so much in views.

quite some time ago, i had a cousin, brought up in bombay, upper class, through force of circumstances, married a traditional homely lookig girl. the match was like black and white, as can be seen intheir house, jazz music on his side, and vishnu sahasranamam and such on hers.

they live in the u.s. but always wondered about the level of compatibility. but it pleased his parents on whose advice he married his spouse. they are very happy with her.

 

[palindrome]

Dear Shri KRS,

What you have written above will surely appeal to anyone and I have no problems about it.

As to moms going on spreading the news that their daughters are sleeping around, etc., that also can be completely discounted; no IA TB lady will say such things while in NA. But I think you also may agree that deep inside every heart there can be some thoughts which will come out only on special occasions like a middle-aged woman meeting her old, frail and sick mother etc. I came to know about this (of course from my wife). To me this proves only that at least a few IA mothers may have some reservations about the way their daughter/s are growing up in US but they will not normally reveal it. Whether you believe it or not, is your choice.

I have found, at least till a few years ago, our tabra boys migrating to US being insistent upon marrying a tabra girl from India. I don't know if this preference has since vanished, but when it was there, the underlying reason was their disbelief in the TB girls being brought up properly there.

We may (and probably will) continue to reiterate our respective views but the fact remains that the TBs here do not believe that children are brought up with the same level of discipline in the foreign countries.

Sir, are your saying females in the US are sleeping around? On the contrary you should take a look at India. At least in my observation, found teens from conservative families abusing freedom if they got a chance to stay in a hostel or a different place (its like they got a chance finally and they have to take advantage of it). Contrast this against parents who gave their teen children a place of trust and freedom to manage themselves (these are more unlikely to abuse freedom). Sir, Indians living overseas have more open discussions with their children. Parents in India only know to lament (apart from fancying some good old past and blaming western influence). Surely, you don't think female empowerment means she has no right to fall in love?? As for marrying in India, heard enuf stories of guys (born in 70s till early 90s) who go to overseas as students and do what they cannot get back in India. And these eventually ask for an arranged marriage (hypocrites of the first order).

 

[prasad1]

Sir, are your saying females in the US are sleeping around? On the contrary you should take a look at India. At least in my observation, found teens from conservative families abusing freedom if they got a chance to stay in a hostel or a different place (its like they got a chance finally and they have to take advantage of it). Contrast this against parents who gave their teen children a place of trust and freedom to manage themselves (these are more unlikely to abuse freedom). Sir, Indians living overseas have more open discussions with their children. Parents in India only know to lament (apart from fancying some good old past and blaming western influence). Surely, you don't think female empowerment means she has no right to fall in love?? As for marrying in India, heard enuf stories of guys (born in 70s till early 90s) who go to overseas as students and do what they cannot get back in India. And these eventually ask for an arranged marriage (hypocrites of the first order).

We all speak with only the limited knowledge of our personal experience.
I travelled to Delhi 4 years ago, and was directing the taxi driver, He politely told me that what was true 4 years ago was not true today.

Similarly some of us are out of touch with present day Indian youth, and if we form our opinion of present day youth by one lone voice we too will come to wrong conclusion.
Young people in metro India are more westernized (what ever that mean), than their cousins in USA, Australia, or Canada.
Your statement is spot on boys.

these eventually ask for an arranged marriage (hypocrites of the first order).

Parents are conveniently oblivious to what their sons did in foreign countries.

 

[XLR8R]

with an ABCD boy......but bridegroom cant adjust with an ABCD gal.....especially tambra boys from india...

All I have to say to this family is "try me"

Sir, are your saying females in the US are sleeping around? On the contrary you should take a look at India. At least in my observation, found teens from conservative families abusing freedom if they got a chance to stay in a hostel or a different place (its like they got a chance finally and they have to take advantage of it). Contrast this against parents who gave their teen children a place of trust and freedom to manage themselves (these are more unlikely to abuse freedom). Sir, Indians living overseas have more open discussions with their children. Parents in India only know to lament (apart from fancying some good old past and blaming western influence). Surely, you don't think female empowerment means she has no right to fall in love?? As for marrying in India, heard enuf stories of guys (born in 70s till early 90s) who go to overseas as students and do what they cannot get back in India. And these eventually ask for an arranged [COLOR=#DA7911 !important]marriage[/COLOR] (hypocrites of the first order).

I actually agree that guys and girls in India are "secretly" doing this a lot these days and even after going to US to study for the MS. But, I don't think one should readily judge someone based on past relationships. The present matters, past is past.....people do change, you know and people make mistakes. That shouldn't really be a factor if the personalities match.

Parents are conveniently oblivious to what their sons did in foreign countries.

Indeed, and apparently those boys are much better behaved because they are more well-qualified according to them

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Pancha Paandavaas had Draupati; Dasarath had 60,000 wives (maybe Muslims followed this), but Rama had only one wife. He had to agree to sacrifice her, too, because some dhobi questioned Rama on accepting back Sita. The shudder runs through my spine if I think of todays boy-girl ratio. It is ok if every marriage is declared null and void before we return to Mahabharat Times from Navbharat Times.

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri Prasad1 Ji,

You said:

Parents are conveniently oblivious to what their sons did in foreign countries.

One small addendum: Parents are conveniently oblivious to what their sons did not only in foreign countries, but in India as well.

Regards,
KRS

 

[prasad1]

Dear Sri Prasad1 Ji,

You said:


One small addendum: Parents are conveniently oblivious to what their sons did not only in foreign countries, but in India as well.

Regards,
KRS

True, but not much (hanky panky) could be done by a TB kid in India.

 

[kunjuppu]

long ago, i have read some anecdotes about swatantra party leader n.g.ranga and his lifestyle in cambridge.

during the early 1900s till 1940s, it was the fashion of rich indians to send their children to cambridge or oxford for study. though most were men, there were many women too.

for ranga, his contemporaries in oxbridge, were bhupesh gupta, masani, indira nehru, feroze gandhi, and quite a number of folks who made it big in independent india.

what was noted, was the sexual activity of the girls. these were so suppressed and watched over in india, would go wild and would do good to the reputation of kama sutra apparently. i wish i could put my hand on that article now. it also named a few females

ofcourse for the men, there sky was the limit. even gandhi, in england, indulged in women and meat eating. it is only coming back to india, the 'goodness' comes creeping back i guess

 

[KRS]

Really? You would be surprised. India is not the India you and I knew. Even the TB kids, yes.

Regards,
KRS

True, but not much (hanky panky) could be done by a TB kid in India.

 

[sangom]

Sir, are your saying females in the US are sleeping around? On the contrary you should take a look at India. At least in my observation, found teens from conservative families abusing freedom if they got a chance to stay in a hostel or a different place (its like they got a chance finally and they have to take advantage of it). Contrast this against parents who gave their teen children a place of trust and freedom to manage themselves (these are more unlikely to abuse freedom). Sir, Indians living overseas have more open discussions with their children. Parents in India only know to lament (apart from fancying some good old past and blaming western influence). Surely, you don't think female empowerment means she has no right to fall in love?? As for marrying in India, heard enuf stories of guys (born in 70s till early 90s) who go to overseas as students and do what they cannot get back in India. And these eventually ask for an arranged marriage (hypocrites of the first order).

Palindrome,

By saying that Indian girls sleep around with as many men as possible, the moment they get a chance to be free and away from the watchful parental eyes, are you trying to say that there are no exceptions to this rule? Did you yourself not stay in hostels and is it your case that all this fall in morality has taken place only after your time?

Be that as it may, will throwing mud on Indian girls help one to logically prove that IA girls will, therefore, have to be completely free from the "sleeping around" syndrome? No, both indian and IA girls can jolly well do it. The point I am making is that in the case of an indian girl, the boy's parents are in a position to visit the girl's place of living, make such enquiries as are normally possible and get some feedback even through the nuances in the opinions given by different people. For example, in a recent case, one girl was suggested (and horoscope copy given) by a person to a co-passenger (total stranger) in a train journey when the boy's mother started recounting the difficulties faced by her in getting a suitable tabra girl for her son. But the proposer also added, you make further enquiries about the girl and the family before taking a final decision; please don't go by a stranger's words. These words were superfluous but because of the present difficulty in getting tabra girls, the boy's side made enquiries and found that good opinion about the girl or her family were not forthcoming, though no one said anything explicitly negative about them. The case was dropped.

Such a situation is not possible in the case of IA girls. Plus there is a general mistrust of IA girls as I said before.

 

[kunjuppu]

Palindrome,

By saying that Indian girls sleep around with as many men as possible, the moment they get a chance to be free and away from the watchful parental eyes, are you trying to say that there are no exceptions to this rule? Did you yourself not stay in hostels and is it your case that all this fall in morality has taken place only after your time?

Be that as it may, will throwing mud on Indian girls help one to logically prove that IA girls will, therefore, have to be completely free from the "sleeping around" syndrome? No, both indian and IA girls can jolly well do it. The point I am making is that in the case of an indian girl, the boy's parents are in a position to visit the girl's place of living, make such enquiries as are normally possible and get some feedback even through the nuances in the opinions given by different people. For example, in a recent case, one girl was suggested (and horoscope copy given) by a person to a co-passenger (total stranger) in a train journey when the boy's mother started recounting the difficulties faced by her in getting a suitable tabra girl for her son. But the proposer also added, you make further enquiries about the girl and the family before taking a final decision; please don't go by a stranger's words. These words were superfluous but because of the present difficulty in getting tabra girls, the boy's side made enquiries and found that good opinion about the girl or her family were not forthcoming, though no one said anything explicitly negative about them. The case was dropped.

Such a situation is not possible in the case of IA girls. Plus there is a general mistrust of IA girls as I said before.

sangom,

in this day and age, even parents do not have an idea of their kids' activities.

so, it is difficult to get any type of valid info about a person's morality sexual habits food habits or spendings/savings.

one would get a view of the prejudice of someone else. if A gives a bad review of potential groom B, is there anyway to prove A is right. on the other hand, if A gives a 100% goodness certificate, you go by that, and in the end find this guy a bum?

all arranged marriages have been done so, after verifications, i would imagine. still you and i know, where it has failed, due to either spouse behaviour not in line with the norms.

one would hope that a long standing relationship would reveal all aspects of a human - ie a boy girl relationship built over time ie a year or two, has a good chance of understanding the human as a whole - warts and all. which is why, a budding romance, in the west, breaks up as when people come to know each other, there arises doubts of compatibility.

when i married mrs K it was on my mother's advice. i did it to please my mother and also get a wife. but it left to me to make the adjustments when mrs K landed here and make a go of the marriage.

had i the opportunity, to pick and choose on my own, i am quite sure, the experience would have been different. or i might not have had the experience at all. which probably explains a large number of singles in the west - the search for compatibility, almost borders on perfection. you win some. lose some.