by the way..
my friends call me PV..
P V Krishnan
my friends call me PV..
P V Krishnan
-
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My Pursuit - 2 (Redefining what I thought needs to be done)
- Thread starter Krishnan.vp
- Start date
PV,
I for one cannot remember all the details of an auto biography type of a post. It is also not possible to read large number of posts because we are all under pressure of too much information in our lives. I just wanted a summary once in a while of your posts. Are you feeling OK? Do you have a plan for a career and a path forward. You have gone from opening Veda classes to family/personal/professional issues to even thinking of buying a brothel if I remember right.
Hence my question was one of genuine concern. Hope you find the peace you are seeking and it is not in the outside world
I for one cannot remember all the details of an auto biography type of a post. It is also not possible to read large number of posts because we are all under pressure of too much information in our lives. I just wanted a summary once in a while of your posts. Are you feeling OK? Do you have a plan for a career and a path forward. You have gone from opening Veda classes to family/personal/professional issues to even thinking of buying a brothel if I remember right.
Hence my question was one of genuine concern. Hope you find the peace you are seeking and it is not in the outside world
My Mistake
a-TB sir,
Things are clearing up a bit. It was my mistake. I had gotten carried away with the promise of Assam. I wanted to have as close as possible to a normal life that I could achieve. I also wanted to have a family and good kids. So I did the most asinine thing for a person in my position to do.
I stopped my 100mg of Amisulpride (lowest possible and therapeutically insignificant in the doctors words)
I thought that I had been well for more than 5 years and would probably fly away with it. But nope.
I had stopped my meds in Feb 2020. As early as 1st week of April 2020, my relapse occured (yarrawoonga - you can check my posts) and I was overwhelmed with paranoia that the americans are watching me all the time. All the posts between then and now should show this tinge and a hint of anger. Although all the posts are true representations of what happened and are facts, the import or understanding of how things happened is different between you and me. I think that the americans influenced everything. But to you, it might seem interesting that it happened.
I somehow tried to find help by myself and found a doctor and proper medication again. So as of July I am on 400mg of Amisulpride and a lot more stable than in April.
Unfortunately, Assam was on the phone with me during the initial stages of my relapse and realized that the paranoia was a bit much for her to take. She has now left.
I cannot blame her for her choice. She had said that she will be miserable for life if she were to marry me. All the nice things that had happened and our talks all disappeared into thin air in the space of 3 months. But just like a beggar can only feel hunger, I, a prodigy of paranoia, can only feel pain and hurt.
But yes.
Its my mistake.
a-TB sir,
Things are clearing up a bit. It was my mistake. I had gotten carried away with the promise of Assam. I wanted to have as close as possible to a normal life that I could achieve. I also wanted to have a family and good kids. So I did the most asinine thing for a person in my position to do.
I stopped my 100mg of Amisulpride (lowest possible and therapeutically insignificant in the doctors words)
I thought that I had been well for more than 5 years and would probably fly away with it. But nope.
I had stopped my meds in Feb 2020. As early as 1st week of April 2020, my relapse occured (yarrawoonga - you can check my posts) and I was overwhelmed with paranoia that the americans are watching me all the time. All the posts between then and now should show this tinge and a hint of anger. Although all the posts are true representations of what happened and are facts, the import or understanding of how things happened is different between you and me. I think that the americans influenced everything. But to you, it might seem interesting that it happened.
I somehow tried to find help by myself and found a doctor and proper medication again. So as of July I am on 400mg of Amisulpride and a lot more stable than in April.
Unfortunately, Assam was on the phone with me during the initial stages of my relapse and realized that the paranoia was a bit much for her to take. She has now left.
I cannot blame her for her choice. She had said that she will be miserable for life if she were to marry me. All the nice things that had happened and our talks all disappeared into thin air in the space of 3 months. But just like a beggar can only feel hunger, I, a prodigy of paranoia, can only feel pain and hurt.
But yes.
Its my mistake.
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Education Does NOT Result in Enlightenment
The following was an email I sent to my classmate. He turned it around and said that I can send it to all my classmates. He does not agree with it and is happy the way things are..
*************************************************
From: "Krishnan P"<[email protected]>
Sent: Sat, 04 Jul 2020 17:54:57
To: "Joel R"<[email protected]>
Subject: Macha.. please give a really slow and thorough reading.
Dei.. please read slowly two or three times. I will call on Sunday. Will also post it to our friends after our talk on sunday to see if anyone else is interested in this fight.
I like movies.. So lets start cinematically..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKitcwwx7Rg
So you see joel.. there are bigger problems going on in this world than merely the fight for supremacy between dravidians and so called upper caste brahmins. The Americans are waiting at the door and so are many more. If they enter, the americans will pander sex and money to destroy our culture as we know it. You probably already know about the netflix and amazon prime produced web series. They have already started sponsoring movies and its only a matter of time before they introduce american sex into mainstream cinema and destroy our culture. Therefore, it is a very critical time for us to take matters into our hands and force our own Indian destiny.
My thoughts
It is now the turn of the 21st century and we are now handed the ball. We have a choice. Whether we still want to fight for brahmin or dravidian supremacy or we can join hands and become the next century’s leaders like Singapore and other countries have proven to be in this century.
What I want to do
I want to re-establish a proper justice system and a proper kingdom with a righteous king. We Indians were no fools to have followed kings for eons together. Just like the Australians respect the aborigines as the owners of the land, we should also start respecting our indian culture which has allowed so many cultures to flourish within it.. including jainism, buddhism, islam and christianity.
We as children of such a great society have to make the example of Singapore (so called as a red dot) into the reality of our states future where people can live together happily.
To do this, everyone in our society has to go back to do what they were good at. This should be done without fighting for the claim of being upper caste. This means the brahmins have to go back to temples. There will be no poor people, beggars or lower castes.. Just people doing their everyday jobs. And each person is well trained in his job. It will not be easy, we are now, in this generation forced to seek out the right kshatriya not by birth but by his ethics. Therefore, we will not and cannot go back to ‘by birth’ philosophy. This will take time and will not happen in our life times.. but let us try to give our children a better future.
Please give it a thought.. what I have said is true.. Anyone who can grapple with public opinion is king in a democracy so unscrupulous people who do not know anything about righteousness, justice and valour come to power and ruin our society.
If democracy works in the west, well, I am happy for them.
But India has flourished, but only, not for the last 400 years when we lost our great kings. None of our kings were dictators like there were in the west. Because all were trained in their particular arts by educated brahmins who kept the justice system balanced while the other classes worked for the betterment of community and trade.
What I want you to do
I want you to be my king.
I will be the brahmin, a minister and you will be the kshatriya, my king.
I have travelled a lot in my last 40 years of life and I have not seen a better person than you to wield the balance of justice in our broken system. You know I am going to stand in the elections for BJP. I request you to please stand along with me in the 2021 elections.
Its ok if you stand for DMK or AIADMK or Vijayakanth.
But please stand. You have your business so you can find support from someone to run it and balance your family requirements till (IF) we win. Ideally, I also want Sambath (he is definitely wasting time in BSNL) our panruti (he is a PhD, good for our society) to also stand on their own party lines. But I need you to be captain before I put together the team.
Please stand. If you dont and only I stand, we risk going back to the situation where there will be another DMK uprising in the next thirty years and just like the ending sequence of Kuruthi Punal, the whole story will repeat.
We will try to win our own seats using our own party symbols but our aim is to bring together the greatest of all parties and take our culture into the daylight of tomorrow. We will merge the best ideas of DMK, Amma’s plans from AIADMK and welfare schemes of BJP and we will make sure that our state is a lot more than the red dot called singapore. (I do hope Singapore stands out as a beacon for eons to come)
Please think. Please stand. If nothing.. let us atleast try to save our society.
But remember.
If we go the way of american sponsored sexual deviances, democracy and death to islam. The above will never happen. Inayath Khaleel in KGF has already sent his boats with gold to Mumbai’s shores and we still do not have a Rocky to fight him. I am only PV. A brahmin.
pv
The following was an email I sent to my classmate. He turned it around and said that I can send it to all my classmates. He does not agree with it and is happy the way things are..
*************************************************
From: "Krishnan P"<[email protected]>
Sent: Sat, 04 Jul 2020 17:54:57
To: "Joel R"<[email protected]>
Subject: Macha.. please give a really slow and thorough reading.
Dei.. please read slowly two or three times. I will call on Sunday. Will also post it to our friends after our talk on sunday to see if anyone else is interested in this fight.
I like movies.. So lets start cinematically..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKitcwwx7Rg
So you see joel.. there are bigger problems going on in this world than merely the fight for supremacy between dravidians and so called upper caste brahmins. The Americans are waiting at the door and so are many more. If they enter, the americans will pander sex and money to destroy our culture as we know it. You probably already know about the netflix and amazon prime produced web series. They have already started sponsoring movies and its only a matter of time before they introduce american sex into mainstream cinema and destroy our culture. Therefore, it is a very critical time for us to take matters into our hands and force our own Indian destiny.
My thoughts
It is now the turn of the 21st century and we are now handed the ball. We have a choice. Whether we still want to fight for brahmin or dravidian supremacy or we can join hands and become the next century’s leaders like Singapore and other countries have proven to be in this century.
What I want to do
I want to re-establish a proper justice system and a proper kingdom with a righteous king. We Indians were no fools to have followed kings for eons together. Just like the Australians respect the aborigines as the owners of the land, we should also start respecting our indian culture which has allowed so many cultures to flourish within it.. including jainism, buddhism, islam and christianity.
We as children of such a great society have to make the example of Singapore (so called as a red dot) into the reality of our states future where people can live together happily.
To do this, everyone in our society has to go back to do what they were good at. This should be done without fighting for the claim of being upper caste. This means the brahmins have to go back to temples. There will be no poor people, beggars or lower castes.. Just people doing their everyday jobs. And each person is well trained in his job. It will not be easy, we are now, in this generation forced to seek out the right kshatriya not by birth but by his ethics. Therefore, we will not and cannot go back to ‘by birth’ philosophy. This will take time and will not happen in our life times.. but let us try to give our children a better future.
Please give it a thought.. what I have said is true.. Anyone who can grapple with public opinion is king in a democracy so unscrupulous people who do not know anything about righteousness, justice and valour come to power and ruin our society.
If democracy works in the west, well, I am happy for them.
But India has flourished, but only, not for the last 400 years when we lost our great kings. None of our kings were dictators like there were in the west. Because all were trained in their particular arts by educated brahmins who kept the justice system balanced while the other classes worked for the betterment of community and trade.
What I want you to do
I want you to be my king.
I will be the brahmin, a minister and you will be the kshatriya, my king.
I have travelled a lot in my last 40 years of life and I have not seen a better person than you to wield the balance of justice in our broken system. You know I am going to stand in the elections for BJP. I request you to please stand along with me in the 2021 elections.
Its ok if you stand for DMK or AIADMK or Vijayakanth.
But please stand. You have your business so you can find support from someone to run it and balance your family requirements till (IF) we win. Ideally, I also want Sambath (he is definitely wasting time in BSNL) our panruti (he is a PhD, good for our society) to also stand on their own party lines. But I need you to be captain before I put together the team.
Please stand. If you dont and only I stand, we risk going back to the situation where there will be another DMK uprising in the next thirty years and just like the ending sequence of Kuruthi Punal, the whole story will repeat.
We will try to win our own seats using our own party symbols but our aim is to bring together the greatest of all parties and take our culture into the daylight of tomorrow. We will merge the best ideas of DMK, Amma’s plans from AIADMK and welfare schemes of BJP and we will make sure that our state is a lot more than the red dot called singapore. (I do hope Singapore stands out as a beacon for eons to come)
Please think. Please stand. If nothing.. let us atleast try to save our society.
But remember.
If we go the way of american sponsored sexual deviances, democracy and death to islam. The above will never happen. Inayath Khaleel in KGF has already sent his boats with gold to Mumbai’s shores and we still do not have a Rocky to fight him. I am only PV. A brahmin.
pv
Remembering Yarrawoonga.. RIP Neil Davis
Remember Yarrawoonga?? the place which started my last relapse? Yes.. I was just thinking about it and googled the guy who I was assigned as security guard to in the aged care centre.
His name was Neil Davis. I did not know it until recently.. it seems this guy was the Dhoni of the state of Victoria in the 80s. He had become paranoid in his old age and had to be watched.. resulting in my being hired. I did not know much about him even though the people in the centre talked bits and pieces about him. I learnt only now after I googled his name and found that.. he passed away in June. You can google Neil Davis Yarrawoonga to know more.
www.corowafreepress.com.au
I was lucky to have met his wife Raelene and one of his daughters (think it was tracy but not sure). Even through paranoia he referred to his wife as ray and loved his family. It is sad what people have to go through in their life.
Remember Yarrawoonga?? the place which started my last relapse? Yes.. I was just thinking about it and googled the guy who I was assigned as security guard to in the aged care centre.
His name was Neil Davis. I did not know it until recently.. it seems this guy was the Dhoni of the state of Victoria in the 80s. He had become paranoid in his old age and had to be watched.. resulting in my being hired. I did not know much about him even though the people in the centre talked bits and pieces about him. I learnt only now after I googled his name and found that.. he passed away in June. You can google Neil Davis Yarrawoonga to know more.
Football royalty Neil Davis leaves us - Corowa Free Press
Neil Davis will be remembered as football royalty, King Neptune, and a lovely, sincere person who loved his family and community. The Yarrawonga Mulwala, Berrigan and surrounding communities are in shock and are mourning the sad passing of...
www.corowafreepress.com.au
I was lucky to have met his wife Raelene and one of his daughters (think it was tracy but not sure). Even through paranoia he referred to his wife as ray and loved his family. It is sad what people have to go through in their life.
Rental Women
Its 9.30pm. I landed in Delhi in the midst of the corona outbreak last week Friday. I had taken a chartered flight from melbourne as there were no other flights available. Surprisingly, I had gained clarity only a week before the flight. At Delhi airport, I had told the doctor that I was schizophrenic and was on 600 mg amisulpride and showed him Dr.Wong’s diagnosis. He immediately stamped me for home quarantine and showed me the way out. Otherwise I would have had to take hotel quarantine in Delhi for which I would have had to pay. I took the next flight to chennai and came home.
I started on saturday and have been doing job applications in my hunt for work. Its tuesday night now, three days later. I already have two connects, one with CTS and another with Bombardier but nothing has materialised yet. I am pretty sure I am going to make above 20 Lakhs if I get either of the two. But still. I am unable to sleep. No its not the loans that I have to repay. I somehow know I will take care of them in due time. I just need a job and my pay is usually good.
Its been forever since my first break from reality and the broken marriage. It had been very painful and her words took a long time to dissipate. When assam came I thought the bad parts were all over and things were going to be normal again. It thought so because she knew. She knew my problem. I told her everything so I do not end up hurting her if she finds out from someone else. She had felt for my state and said that all I needed was care. But I guess it was too much for her too.
Dont call me. I will be miserable for the rest of my life if I married you. She had said. I had been paranoid at that time this happened and so did not understand that she was serious. Through my paranoia, I thought it was going to be like one of our multiple earlier fights. Somehow we always started talking again. I had thought she will come back once the americans were gone, once the cameras and hidden microphones were gone. But you see there were none. And she was serious. She was only a girl after all and a person can only handle so much.
But what about me?
I do need a companion do I not? Someone to talk to. Someone to share my inner most feelings with. Someone to kid around and cuddle.
And if normal women cannot handle the reality of my life, then where will I go?
There must be some female who can give me succor.
Rental women?
Its 9.30pm. I landed in Delhi in the midst of the corona outbreak last week Friday. I had taken a chartered flight from melbourne as there were no other flights available. Surprisingly, I had gained clarity only a week before the flight. At Delhi airport, I had told the doctor that I was schizophrenic and was on 600 mg amisulpride and showed him Dr.Wong’s diagnosis. He immediately stamped me for home quarantine and showed me the way out. Otherwise I would have had to take hotel quarantine in Delhi for which I would have had to pay. I took the next flight to chennai and came home.
I started on saturday and have been doing job applications in my hunt for work. Its tuesday night now, three days later. I already have two connects, one with CTS and another with Bombardier but nothing has materialised yet. I am pretty sure I am going to make above 20 Lakhs if I get either of the two. But still. I am unable to sleep. No its not the loans that I have to repay. I somehow know I will take care of them in due time. I just need a job and my pay is usually good.
Its been forever since my first break from reality and the broken marriage. It had been very painful and her words took a long time to dissipate. When assam came I thought the bad parts were all over and things were going to be normal again. It thought so because she knew. She knew my problem. I told her everything so I do not end up hurting her if she finds out from someone else. She had felt for my state and said that all I needed was care. But I guess it was too much for her too.
Dont call me. I will be miserable for the rest of my life if I married you. She had said. I had been paranoid at that time this happened and so did not understand that she was serious. Through my paranoia, I thought it was going to be like one of our multiple earlier fights. Somehow we always started talking again. I had thought she will come back once the americans were gone, once the cameras and hidden microphones were gone. But you see there were none. And she was serious. She was only a girl after all and a person can only handle so much.
But what about me?
I do need a companion do I not? Someone to talk to. Someone to share my inner most feelings with. Someone to kid around and cuddle.
And if normal women cannot handle the reality of my life, then where will I go?
There must be some female who can give me succor.
Rental women?
Dear PV,
We all make mistakes. Who has not done so in this life? The key is to get up when you fall down. We all had to do that when we learnt to walk.
Brain is just another organ and if it needs ongoing medications so be it. Unless there are side effects you may want to continue. Hope you always have the care of a competent and trustworthy doctor.
The lady that you 'lost' may come back if she sees you back to normal life. Or someone else may appear in your life. Here are my suggestions and they are said out of compassion than intent to advice.
++ No need to try to change the world etc. You can help the world only when you are fine, not just medically but in terms of your own inner self.
++ Rather than go and try to protect Veda or any such thing, first try to get a decent job, make peace with all near and dear regardless of what they did to you or what you perceive was done to you. Do this unconditionally and with love.
++ I recently studied a bit on what is Karma Yoga - it is really brilliant. Karma is NOT Karma Yoga. Yoga has all to do with attitude of service (to a larger cause and/Or Lord) of whatever work (Karma) you do
Just stay with the above aspects only. Rental women are born out of exploitative life and you dont want to be furthering that. To deal with hormones stick with perhaps porn for now . I know that is not a suggestion that is normally made in respectable circles because it is result of exploitation too but it is better than rental women. In your case that may be an antidote for a temporary measure (please do not get addicted to it).
Beyond that spend time in enjoying the job alone and over time things will fall into place
All the best,
I do understand what you are trying to communicate and will try to take appropriate steps to help myself.
Porn is like a tablet of valium.. the more you take it, the lesser time passes before you need another shot. Then you end up wasted and not knowing what to do.
Anyways, I am seriously looking for a job right now. My 14 days quarantine after I returned to India ended last friday. This is the first Monday after that. I know my market value in terms of salary in India is around 1.5 lakhs per month if the job is in Bangalore. I am also trying with IIT where the salary might be much lower (around 60-70k) but there might be job satisfaction since I will be doing research instead of random, supposedly meaningful, work which is not much more than shovelling shit. This is my personal view with respect to so called technical architect, senior project manager, program manager and other such high profile jobs that I have worked in when compared to some research jobs in a few government labs and IITs.
I am also going to put a link to this thread on shaadi and bharatmatrimony. See if I get a partner who understands..
Lets see a-TB sir... Lets see if tomorrow is better.
Porn is like a tablet of valium.. the more you take it, the lesser time passes before you need another shot. Then you end up wasted and not knowing what to do.
Anyways, I am seriously looking for a job right now. My 14 days quarantine after I returned to India ended last friday. This is the first Monday after that. I know my market value in terms of salary in India is around 1.5 lakhs per month if the job is in Bangalore. I am also trying with IIT where the salary might be much lower (around 60-70k) but there might be job satisfaction since I will be doing research instead of random, supposedly meaningful, work which is not much more than shovelling shit. This is my personal view with respect to so called technical architect, senior project manager, program manager and other such high profile jobs that I have worked in when compared to some research jobs in a few government labs and IITs.
I am also going to put a link to this thread on shaadi and bharatmatrimony. See if I get a partner who understands..
Lets see a-TB sir... Lets see if tomorrow is better.
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Realization - Winding the clock back again
As I sit down on yet another pointless evening trying to share my thoughts.. I realize the effects of these godforsaken medicines on my thinking yet again. I had been very clear when I started writing back in 2016/17 time frame. Thats because 2015 was when I had last come out of paranoia and I had been drunk with high concentrations of medicine giving me due clarity about what is happening around me. I had at that time realized that the medicines were going to have an effect on my life for all foreseeable future and had decided that marriage was not for me. I had started seeking a worthwhile goal to pursue for an otherwise lost life. Thats when I came upon sanskrit and veda paadashalas.
But as the doctors progressively reduced the medicines, my clarity also dissipated and I started looking at unachievable things as achievable. I am now clearly able to discern that only after I had been reduced from 200mg to 100 mg in a major move that I posted on shaadi looking for a wife. Thats when assam came into the picture and the rainbow started to form. But now I know that 100mg amisulpride is non-therapeutic and is considered to be so for a reason.
I also have another theory that I was not ‘correctly’ cured last time in 2015. i.e. I was not kept on high doses of meds even after I achieved clarity. Now that I am on high dosage even after clarity was obtained, I am beginning to look at a lot of wrong beliefs that I had over the past decade. The idea to continue on high dosage after clarity was obtained was not something new. Dr. Soliappan had said that It was important I stayed on medication for a long period and Dr. Hariram had also pushed me to stay on high doses of risperidone after my first relapse in singapore. But for some reason after my 2014-15 relapse I had not been on high dosage for a long time. I think I was on 400mg amisulpride only for about a month and then it was time for me to leave singapore because HP split and my job was no longer there. In that time period, my dose was quickly reduced to 200mg and I had been on that dose for around 3 years before I decided to try and reduce to 100mg.
My slow slide started the day I switched to 100 mg and not the day I stopped meds altogether. You see my degradation is a slow process, it does not happen over night. Its like a jumbo jetliner. You see jetliners everyday, they dont just fall out of the sky.. even though they loose power or something goes wrong, these giant birds glide for quite a distance and then fall on the ground. They dont fall like a stone dropped from above. Its something similar for me too.
If I look back at the past 5 years. I am reasonably sure that I lost power when I switched to 100 mg at the end of 2018. Thats when the fear of google slowly interlaced itself into my psyche and I started using a plain handset. Not that using a plain handset is bad. I would prefer to use one myself even today because of a lot of things like compact size, loud ringtones and very very long battery life. But with the intermingling of tech with our everyday life.. you really cannot live without uber or whatsapp so you really need a smartphone. Another thing that started in 2018 is that I started to think that I was ok. One of my posts (medical miracle) also points to this line of thought which is a significant change from realization that I am sick and I need the support of medicines. Another distended thinking was the thought that I can get married and have kids. I know for or am almost 90% certain that this particular illness will affect my children and they might also develop a psychotic behaviour of some sort simply because they are exposed to me all their life and kids only learn from their parents. Its not only my thinking. Research also shows that there is a 15% jump in kids developing schiz when one of their parents already has schiz. So given that I already knew this and still went behind assam shows that the medicines had stopped working at that time and I was already on a glide which will inevitably lead to a crash landing.
So what to do with this assessment?? This Realization??
Wind the clock back again. Think that its 2016 and I just landed back in India after singapore break from reality. (I am landing in India after a Australian Break from reality anyhow).. Find some manager job and start earning. Start on the quest for supporting veda padashalas again. Help atleast one kid through his education and youth. This is the only thing I can do for now. As far as marriage, assam and other rainbows.. we will just have to handle them when they appear.
As I sit down on yet another pointless evening trying to share my thoughts.. I realize the effects of these godforsaken medicines on my thinking yet again. I had been very clear when I started writing back in 2016/17 time frame. Thats because 2015 was when I had last come out of paranoia and I had been drunk with high concentrations of medicine giving me due clarity about what is happening around me. I had at that time realized that the medicines were going to have an effect on my life for all foreseeable future and had decided that marriage was not for me. I had started seeking a worthwhile goal to pursue for an otherwise lost life. Thats when I came upon sanskrit and veda paadashalas.
But as the doctors progressively reduced the medicines, my clarity also dissipated and I started looking at unachievable things as achievable. I am now clearly able to discern that only after I had been reduced from 200mg to 100 mg in a major move that I posted on shaadi looking for a wife. Thats when assam came into the picture and the rainbow started to form. But now I know that 100mg amisulpride is non-therapeutic and is considered to be so for a reason.
I also have another theory that I was not ‘correctly’ cured last time in 2015. i.e. I was not kept on high doses of meds even after I achieved clarity. Now that I am on high dosage even after clarity was obtained, I am beginning to look at a lot of wrong beliefs that I had over the past decade. The idea to continue on high dosage after clarity was obtained was not something new. Dr. Soliappan had said that It was important I stayed on medication for a long period and Dr. Hariram had also pushed me to stay on high doses of risperidone after my first relapse in singapore. But for some reason after my 2014-15 relapse I had not been on high dosage for a long time. I think I was on 400mg amisulpride only for about a month and then it was time for me to leave singapore because HP split and my job was no longer there. In that time period, my dose was quickly reduced to 200mg and I had been on that dose for around 3 years before I decided to try and reduce to 100mg.
My slow slide started the day I switched to 100 mg and not the day I stopped meds altogether. You see my degradation is a slow process, it does not happen over night. Its like a jumbo jetliner. You see jetliners everyday, they dont just fall out of the sky.. even though they loose power or something goes wrong, these giant birds glide for quite a distance and then fall on the ground. They dont fall like a stone dropped from above. Its something similar for me too.
If I look back at the past 5 years. I am reasonably sure that I lost power when I switched to 100 mg at the end of 2018. Thats when the fear of google slowly interlaced itself into my psyche and I started using a plain handset. Not that using a plain handset is bad. I would prefer to use one myself even today because of a lot of things like compact size, loud ringtones and very very long battery life. But with the intermingling of tech with our everyday life.. you really cannot live without uber or whatsapp so you really need a smartphone. Another thing that started in 2018 is that I started to think that I was ok. One of my posts (medical miracle) also points to this line of thought which is a significant change from realization that I am sick and I need the support of medicines. Another distended thinking was the thought that I can get married and have kids. I know for or am almost 90% certain that this particular illness will affect my children and they might also develop a psychotic behaviour of some sort simply because they are exposed to me all their life and kids only learn from their parents. Its not only my thinking. Research also shows that there is a 15% jump in kids developing schiz when one of their parents already has schiz. So given that I already knew this and still went behind assam shows that the medicines had stopped working at that time and I was already on a glide which will inevitably lead to a crash landing.
So what to do with this assessment?? This Realization??
Wind the clock back again. Think that its 2016 and I just landed back in India after singapore break from reality. (I am landing in India after a Australian Break from reality anyhow).. Find some manager job and start earning. Start on the quest for supporting veda padashalas again. Help atleast one kid through his education and youth. This is the only thing I can do for now. As far as marriage, assam and other rainbows.. we will just have to handle them when they appear.
Turning point?
Its raining heavily outside. Tomorrow it is deepavali and the day after that, guru peyarchi. It is being said that guru is in a good place for my raasi after 12 years. 12 years. 12 years ago, same time I was engaged and started my journey into the abyss with my first schizophrenic episode. This is the first guru peyarchi after my budhan dasa started. Everyone concurs that my life will be smooth for the next 17 years. ‘It should be..’ they all say. For none would aver that ‘it will be’ after hearing the story of my last 12 years.
But pragmatically, maybe it is a turning point.. somehow in the middle of all my problems and struggles I also seem to have managed to get my dole in australia going and I do have a PR there. Which means that if I can somehow settle the loans here, then I can simply leave for australia and live a quiet life there on dole and disability support.
What will you do in Australia all by yourself? You dont have anyone there – says my psychiatrist in apollo hospitals. She is right. I will be all alone if I go to oz. But atleast it will be a quiet life.
Still, I dont want to go to oz. Somehow, I want to be beside my parents as they struggle through their old age .. fading into nothing. I want to fight against bosch in court. Bring out the lie of flexible work timing which is prevalent all over india and is specifically bent into meaning that everyone is working for 12-13 hours a day. I want my parents to know that atleast I was there beside them even if they do realize that they lost the happiness derived from establishing the next generation. But my father is clear. If you want to go to australia, you go and be happy. Dont worry about us, god will have a way for everyone. He says.. But by saying that, he is only being a good father. It does not make me a good son.
It is said in the movie that the first matrix was designed by the machines to keep everyone happy and that was the primary reason it failed. The human race rejected it. According to Mr. Smith, the human psyche requires sadness and struggle. And thus the current form of the matrix was born. It is something like that. Although I realize that my parents old age and my being a part of it is going to be sad, I still want to experience it and be a part of it. I cannot rather goto oz and live off my life forgetting about everything else.
The thing with movies is that every one pf them portrays the story of a protagonist who struggles a lot initially only to find salvation in the end. Guess my life is not a movie then.. My life was very good till I was 27-28 which was exactly 12 years ago and everything just fell apart. At the present time, I have a loan which I took thinking I will make it rich with a forex investment only to see all my savings disappear into the black hole. Now, after the Nth relapse, I have been lying in bed doing nothing for the past 6 months. No job, No money, heavy medicines and the looming threat of loan collection agents.
But still, the Guru peyarchi gives some hope..
Will I simply drop everything and goto oz and have a quiet life..? Or will I choose to stay with my parents to see them fade away with sadness in their hearts that their eldest failed in life. Or will something else happen to smoothen out everything.. maybe a decent job in chennai, finish off my loans and keep my parents smiling with a modest salary.
will it be a turning point..?
Its raining heavily outside. Tomorrow it is deepavali and the day after that, guru peyarchi. It is being said that guru is in a good place for my raasi after 12 years. 12 years. 12 years ago, same time I was engaged and started my journey into the abyss with my first schizophrenic episode. This is the first guru peyarchi after my budhan dasa started. Everyone concurs that my life will be smooth for the next 17 years. ‘It should be..’ they all say. For none would aver that ‘it will be’ after hearing the story of my last 12 years.
But pragmatically, maybe it is a turning point.. somehow in the middle of all my problems and struggles I also seem to have managed to get my dole in australia going and I do have a PR there. Which means that if I can somehow settle the loans here, then I can simply leave for australia and live a quiet life there on dole and disability support.
What will you do in Australia all by yourself? You dont have anyone there – says my psychiatrist in apollo hospitals. She is right. I will be all alone if I go to oz. But atleast it will be a quiet life.
Still, I dont want to go to oz. Somehow, I want to be beside my parents as they struggle through their old age .. fading into nothing. I want to fight against bosch in court. Bring out the lie of flexible work timing which is prevalent all over india and is specifically bent into meaning that everyone is working for 12-13 hours a day. I want my parents to know that atleast I was there beside them even if they do realize that they lost the happiness derived from establishing the next generation. But my father is clear. If you want to go to australia, you go and be happy. Dont worry about us, god will have a way for everyone. He says.. But by saying that, he is only being a good father. It does not make me a good son.
It is said in the movie that the first matrix was designed by the machines to keep everyone happy and that was the primary reason it failed. The human race rejected it. According to Mr. Smith, the human psyche requires sadness and struggle. And thus the current form of the matrix was born. It is something like that. Although I realize that my parents old age and my being a part of it is going to be sad, I still want to experience it and be a part of it. I cannot rather goto oz and live off my life forgetting about everything else.
The thing with movies is that every one pf them portrays the story of a protagonist who struggles a lot initially only to find salvation in the end. Guess my life is not a movie then.. My life was very good till I was 27-28 which was exactly 12 years ago and everything just fell apart. At the present time, I have a loan which I took thinking I will make it rich with a forex investment only to see all my savings disappear into the black hole. Now, after the Nth relapse, I have been lying in bed doing nothing for the past 6 months. No job, No money, heavy medicines and the looming threat of loan collection agents.
But still, the Guru peyarchi gives some hope..
Will I simply drop everything and goto oz and have a quiet life..? Or will I choose to stay with my parents to see them fade away with sadness in their hearts that their eldest failed in life. Or will something else happen to smoothen out everything.. maybe a decent job in chennai, finish off my loans and keep my parents smiling with a modest salary.
will it be a turning point..?
Karamadai Today
The last three days have been bad. It started with my talk with my uncle. He still wanted me to get married. Everyone wants me to get married. But i just hate the concept. All that brahmins want is a high paying job. They dont care for character or the person anymore. If they did, my first marriage itself would have been consummated. It is because that father thought that this person does not have a US visa anymore, no more dollars, he asked his daughter to go to someone else. That too within 3 months of my proposed marriage. I dont know how he even got another man to sit in the manapalagai so soon. My butts heat would itself have not gone from the palagai in that time. Even the people who came after that.. they were only interested in job. where is your son working. Is he in foreign..
Anyways, my bile aside, my uncle got to Assam again. I already knew from him and another uncle that assam was in touch with them. But I could not do much because she would not answer my calls. I randomly texted her on whatsapp and there was no reply to that either except that i was hoping she saw my messages. Now, as my uncle talked, I learnt that she had cried a lot after having that last fight with me. She had said things like since krishnan did this, I will not marry anyone else again. and such ... It broke my heart. It also set my thoughts racing. The meds have this side effect. Sometimes when something catches my imagination or fancy, I just cannot let go of it. I just keep pursuing it like a heat seeking missile. Not knowing what to do, I involuntarily started messaging her on whatsapp.. but problem was my thoughts were racing and within two days i had irritated her so much that she blocked me on whatsapp too. Damn.
Given the above some kudhrushties might argue who will give their daughter to you given that I am like this. But the fact is that there are many capable brahmin boys who are still not married even at 40 and you will find twice that number of brahmin girls.. all you have to do is to log in to bharatmatrimony app. But the jambavan fathers and relatives of the girls will force the marriage not to work. I know you will agree.
But that aside, another funny thing happened today... after the last three days, I knew the problem of the meds only too well and so decided to just quit my job and sit at home. So I went to my boss man and told him my mother was sick and so I cannot work anymore. He immediately said.. ok venkat.. you can work from home as long as you want. You can also work from home for one week and work from coimbatore office for one week till you want..
Deeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
damn.. looks like time is really working out.. and astrology is correct. They did say that my bhudan dasai had started and from last november my life will improve slowly. Well.. I am earning 20 Lakhs per annum now.. and I did post earlier questioning my time and its change. Should I also marry.. ??
so ..
Is it finally... my turn.
I just came to karamadai koil after striking a deal with the boss man that I will go to temple everyday at 6pm. So I am here in Karamadai. Finished sahasranamam along with the temple speakers in the evening.
And so..
And the temple bells have rung. Its 8pm. Temple closing in Karamadai Today.
The last three days have been bad. It started with my talk with my uncle. He still wanted me to get married. Everyone wants me to get married. But i just hate the concept. All that brahmins want is a high paying job. They dont care for character or the person anymore. If they did, my first marriage itself would have been consummated. It is because that father thought that this person does not have a US visa anymore, no more dollars, he asked his daughter to go to someone else. That too within 3 months of my proposed marriage. I dont know how he even got another man to sit in the manapalagai so soon. My butts heat would itself have not gone from the palagai in that time. Even the people who came after that.. they were only interested in job. where is your son working. Is he in foreign..
Anyways, my bile aside, my uncle got to Assam again. I already knew from him and another uncle that assam was in touch with them. But I could not do much because she would not answer my calls. I randomly texted her on whatsapp and there was no reply to that either except that i was hoping she saw my messages. Now, as my uncle talked, I learnt that she had cried a lot after having that last fight with me. She had said things like since krishnan did this, I will not marry anyone else again. and such ... It broke my heart. It also set my thoughts racing. The meds have this side effect. Sometimes when something catches my imagination or fancy, I just cannot let go of it. I just keep pursuing it like a heat seeking missile. Not knowing what to do, I involuntarily started messaging her on whatsapp.. but problem was my thoughts were racing and within two days i had irritated her so much that she blocked me on whatsapp too. Damn.
Given the above some kudhrushties might argue who will give their daughter to you given that I am like this. But the fact is that there are many capable brahmin boys who are still not married even at 40 and you will find twice that number of brahmin girls.. all you have to do is to log in to bharatmatrimony app. But the jambavan fathers and relatives of the girls will force the marriage not to work. I know you will agree.
But that aside, another funny thing happened today... after the last three days, I knew the problem of the meds only too well and so decided to just quit my job and sit at home. So I went to my boss man and told him my mother was sick and so I cannot work anymore. He immediately said.. ok venkat.. you can work from home as long as you want. You can also work from home for one week and work from coimbatore office for one week till you want..
Deeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
damn.. looks like time is really working out.. and astrology is correct. They did say that my bhudan dasai had started and from last november my life will improve slowly. Well.. I am earning 20 Lakhs per annum now.. and I did post earlier questioning my time and its change. Should I also marry.. ??
so ..
Is it finally... my turn.
I just came to karamadai koil after striking a deal with the boss man that I will go to temple everyday at 6pm. So I am here in Karamadai. Finished sahasranamam along with the temple speakers in the evening.
And so..
And the temple bells have rung. Its 8pm. Temple closing in Karamadai Today.
My lost job, meds.. jobs in australia and racism there
Well.. the coimbatore job came and went like the gusty winds in the month of Aadi. I am now again jobless. But the one good thing is that I am now getting calls for senior manager roles rather than project manager roles.. so maybe that coimbatore stint was good. Also I could not handle the high dosages anymore.. because the medicines are such that they do not give any side effects when you are sick but when you are well and continue to take them.. they have very negative side effects.. the amisulpride for its part has anxiety as its side effect.. I could not manage the high anxiety levels day in and day out so I threatened my doctor that if he did not reduce my dose to 200 mg.. I will leave him and find some other doctor who is willing to prescribe 200mg for me... you see.. I need a doctors prescription to get the medicines although in some areas they do give you amisulpride.. its a big problem to access my medicines over the counter.
But the two month work did give me enough cash to think about finding a flight to Australia. These flights which are mainly chartered flights by tourism operators in Australia and India are very costly.. it costs anywhere between 1.6 to 2 lakhs for a ticket to perth from chennai. The normal flight ticket from chennai to perth is more like 17000 to 22000 rs during normal times.. I am sure I will not have much money after the ticket but I am hoping that my dole will kick in once I reach oz and I will not have to spend out of my pocket anymore. But this time around I am reasonably sure I will get a job atleast as a security guard or a crowd controller since I have a security license (I got this llicense just before I had my relapse when I got the job in Yarrawoonga).. wondering why a person interviewing for senior manager in India is looking for security guard jobs in oz.. its because when I first landed in oz, I tried very sincerely for a project manager job.. but no one answered. the review that I got was that I did not have australian experience so I will not get a job.. I tried to explain that I have worked not only in India but also america and singapore.. but still no one would give me a tech job. So I decided that I will not contribute to the australian economy in a major way and I will only do what is necessary to make money to live comfortably.. Its just my own small way of spitting on Australians for their racism. this is why the choice of simple jobs like security guard, warehouse helper, driller, etc.. these jobs pay around 4500 per month with which a single guy can say around 2000 aud.. well.. I am single.. so..
I am also thinking about a driller job where I wlll have to go to mines in western australia and break stones there. Its a very manual .. hard labourer job.. but it does not have any mental work and thus will not acerbate my illness. But the thing is it will be incredibly hard for me to actually do the job. I have never done any hard work in my life.. all my work thus far has only been in offices doing nothing more than sit around. The pay for drilling jobs is not really that great.. but the fact that they provide housing(beds actually) and food means.. I will not have to pay rent or electricity or pay for my food. This totals to a large amount and thus driller jobs are attractive to a lot of people. Not all.. the white collar people usually dont want to get grease on their hands or dirt on their shirts.. but to others it is pretty attractive. Still.. I dont know if they will select me for the job if I apply.. since I have no labourer experience.. that is a serious issue with australians.. no matter how menial the job is.. the australians still ask for experience in that particular job or you wont get the work.
ok.. I did not quite have a clear picture on what to write when I sat down unlike most of the times I have posted here before.. but this is just an update on what is happening.
Well.. the coimbatore job came and went like the gusty winds in the month of Aadi. I am now again jobless. But the one good thing is that I am now getting calls for senior manager roles rather than project manager roles.. so maybe that coimbatore stint was good. Also I could not handle the high dosages anymore.. because the medicines are such that they do not give any side effects when you are sick but when you are well and continue to take them.. they have very negative side effects.. the amisulpride for its part has anxiety as its side effect.. I could not manage the high anxiety levels day in and day out so I threatened my doctor that if he did not reduce my dose to 200 mg.. I will leave him and find some other doctor who is willing to prescribe 200mg for me... you see.. I need a doctors prescription to get the medicines although in some areas they do give you amisulpride.. its a big problem to access my medicines over the counter.
But the two month work did give me enough cash to think about finding a flight to Australia. These flights which are mainly chartered flights by tourism operators in Australia and India are very costly.. it costs anywhere between 1.6 to 2 lakhs for a ticket to perth from chennai. The normal flight ticket from chennai to perth is more like 17000 to 22000 rs during normal times.. I am sure I will not have much money after the ticket but I am hoping that my dole will kick in once I reach oz and I will not have to spend out of my pocket anymore. But this time around I am reasonably sure I will get a job atleast as a security guard or a crowd controller since I have a security license (I got this llicense just before I had my relapse when I got the job in Yarrawoonga).. wondering why a person interviewing for senior manager in India is looking for security guard jobs in oz.. its because when I first landed in oz, I tried very sincerely for a project manager job.. but no one answered. the review that I got was that I did not have australian experience so I will not get a job.. I tried to explain that I have worked not only in India but also america and singapore.. but still no one would give me a tech job. So I decided that I will not contribute to the australian economy in a major way and I will only do what is necessary to make money to live comfortably.. Its just my own small way of spitting on Australians for their racism. this is why the choice of simple jobs like security guard, warehouse helper, driller, etc.. these jobs pay around 4500 per month with which a single guy can say around 2000 aud.. well.. I am single.. so..
I am also thinking about a driller job where I wlll have to go to mines in western australia and break stones there. Its a very manual .. hard labourer job.. but it does not have any mental work and thus will not acerbate my illness. But the thing is it will be incredibly hard for me to actually do the job. I have never done any hard work in my life.. all my work thus far has only been in offices doing nothing more than sit around. The pay for drilling jobs is not really that great.. but the fact that they provide housing(beds actually) and food means.. I will not have to pay rent or electricity or pay for my food. This totals to a large amount and thus driller jobs are attractive to a lot of people. Not all.. the white collar people usually dont want to get grease on their hands or dirt on their shirts.. but to others it is pretty attractive. Still.. I dont know if they will select me for the job if I apply.. since I have no labourer experience.. that is a serious issue with australians.. no matter how menial the job is.. the australians still ask for experience in that particular job or you wont get the work.
ok.. I did not quite have a clear picture on what to write when I sat down unlike most of the times I have posted here before.. but this is just an update on what is happening.
Walking Tall.
That was the movie on tonight on 9Go!.. as to what the movies about.. watch the trailer here...
The guy returns home to his town only to find that it has been taken over by a casino and drug peddlers with the citizens unable to do anything. Guess what he does.. takes a bat to the casino.. unlike madhavan in evano oruvan.. he does some serious damage. The rest of the story is about how he cleans up the town.
I really did not know about the dmk and the shit they were upto till about 2016 when I returned to india and joined my college whatsapp group.. it was the time that bjp was entering into things in a big way and i suddenly noticed that the group was filled with total anti bjp propaganda which was plain lies. when i tried to ask what was happening, i was confronted by almost the entire gamut of my friends who branded me sanghi. I did not know the meaning of the word sanghi at that time and asked what it meant.. no one answered.
Slowly I realized the complete anti hindu stance of the DMK and how almost all the people who studied with me were now for some reason looking at me as brahmin rather than PV. It sucked. but my roommates still clicked with me. And it was only then I realised and found other brahmins from my class as they confided in private chat about what was happening with me.
I still did not want to enter into this dirty politics game and thought the BJP would take care of things in time. So I had concentrated on veda padasalas like I have always stated.
But I think its time I did something with my life. As you already know, I am 42, single and schizophrenic. Nothing much to look forward too.. that is why I had started to try and take the law to bosch but only ended up with a dodgy lawyer called arun who simply took money from me and finally ended up threatening me and asking me to google NBW. I simply blocked him on whatsapp and on my phone. Thats that.
But now, I am seriously thinking about taking the law to DMK. I mean seriously they had the temerity to announce in their political portfolio that they will introduce non-brahmin archakars in the temples if they won. And after winning the political elections of 2021, they did appoint non-brahmin archakars to temples. They even started to fire temple priests but after an almost public uprising they reinstated the temple priests they fired. But the new archakars stayed.. Now, they are saying that they will take temple jewels convert them into gold bars and keep them in banks. They have even set up a three person committee of judges to oversee this. They are using judges to do something that is anti-law. Some one needs to stop them.
Thinking that, I called a lawyer and asked him about the case. No one was willing to take it up. Finally I found a lawyer in tamilnadu who will take it to high court. But he is charging me 1 Lakh. And I presume charges will be more once the case is filed. I talked about this to my father and he simply said dont come back home. I can see why he said that, of course my house will be targetted. They will probably go after my relatives and parents since I am in Australia. Thats why I am trying to remove personal information in my posts .. if you see anything identifying me in these posts.. please ping me and I will remove it.. because I intend to file the case and go from there. I dont intend to come back to India for sometime so I dont id myself making myself a target for violence. But how far can I go with this.. I do not know. But I will never know until I try. Like I tried with the Bosch case and the lawyer Arun simply ended up milking me for money. But I think I have to try. Corny?? Unbelievebly stupid.. yes. But someone has to try.. and given that I dont have shit in my life.. I might as well be a person. Better try to stand up for what its worth. And.. Like in walking tall.. take the bat to the bad people.
But since I am schizophrenic, I am unable to hold down a job... I am currently on casual work only and so cannot afford that lawyer. Do you think people will anonymously donate/sponsor my fight against dmk once a case is filed? I hope so.. I mean we actually have an opportunity to take the entire political party including stalin and all the people who stood in the 2021 election under their banner and their political manifesto stating that they will interfere in religious affairs. Its plain that they intended to use government machinery to interfere in religious affairs and they have done it. So its jail to you baby.. But will I be able to put this in court in front of a judge?
Currently.. hopeless. but have to do something. But it is true that I have already discussed this with a lawyer and also settled a price tag of 1 Lakh for a high court case. Its just that I dont have the cash right now as I am on dole. God help me.. God help us all..
That was the movie on tonight on 9Go!.. as to what the movies about.. watch the trailer here...
The guy returns home to his town only to find that it has been taken over by a casino and drug peddlers with the citizens unable to do anything. Guess what he does.. takes a bat to the casino.. unlike madhavan in evano oruvan.. he does some serious damage. The rest of the story is about how he cleans up the town.
I really did not know about the dmk and the shit they were upto till about 2016 when I returned to india and joined my college whatsapp group.. it was the time that bjp was entering into things in a big way and i suddenly noticed that the group was filled with total anti bjp propaganda which was plain lies. when i tried to ask what was happening, i was confronted by almost the entire gamut of my friends who branded me sanghi. I did not know the meaning of the word sanghi at that time and asked what it meant.. no one answered.
Slowly I realized the complete anti hindu stance of the DMK and how almost all the people who studied with me were now for some reason looking at me as brahmin rather than PV. It sucked. but my roommates still clicked with me. And it was only then I realised and found other brahmins from my class as they confided in private chat about what was happening with me.
I still did not want to enter into this dirty politics game and thought the BJP would take care of things in time. So I had concentrated on veda padasalas like I have always stated.
But I think its time I did something with my life. As you already know, I am 42, single and schizophrenic. Nothing much to look forward too.. that is why I had started to try and take the law to bosch but only ended up with a dodgy lawyer called arun who simply took money from me and finally ended up threatening me and asking me to google NBW. I simply blocked him on whatsapp and on my phone. Thats that.
But now, I am seriously thinking about taking the law to DMK. I mean seriously they had the temerity to announce in their political portfolio that they will introduce non-brahmin archakars in the temples if they won. And after winning the political elections of 2021, they did appoint non-brahmin archakars to temples. They even started to fire temple priests but after an almost public uprising they reinstated the temple priests they fired. But the new archakars stayed.. Now, they are saying that they will take temple jewels convert them into gold bars and keep them in banks. They have even set up a three person committee of judges to oversee this. They are using judges to do something that is anti-law. Some one needs to stop them.
Thinking that, I called a lawyer and asked him about the case. No one was willing to take it up. Finally I found a lawyer in tamilnadu who will take it to high court. But he is charging me 1 Lakh. And I presume charges will be more once the case is filed. I talked about this to my father and he simply said dont come back home. I can see why he said that, of course my house will be targetted. They will probably go after my relatives and parents since I am in Australia. Thats why I am trying to remove personal information in my posts .. if you see anything identifying me in these posts.. please ping me and I will remove it.. because I intend to file the case and go from there. I dont intend to come back to India for sometime so I dont id myself making myself a target for violence. But how far can I go with this.. I do not know. But I will never know until I try. Like I tried with the Bosch case and the lawyer Arun simply ended up milking me for money. But I think I have to try. Corny?? Unbelievebly stupid.. yes. But someone has to try.. and given that I dont have shit in my life.. I might as well be a person. Better try to stand up for what its worth. And.. Like in walking tall.. take the bat to the bad people.
But since I am schizophrenic, I am unable to hold down a job... I am currently on casual work only and so cannot afford that lawyer. Do you think people will anonymously donate/sponsor my fight against dmk once a case is filed? I hope so.. I mean we actually have an opportunity to take the entire political party including stalin and all the people who stood in the 2021 election under their banner and their political manifesto stating that they will interfere in religious affairs. Its plain that they intended to use government machinery to interfere in religious affairs and they have done it. So its jail to you baby.. But will I be able to put this in court in front of a judge?
Currently.. hopeless. but have to do something. But it is true that I have already discussed this with a lawyer and also settled a price tag of 1 Lakh for a high court case. Its just that I dont have the cash right now as I am on dole. God help me.. God help us all..
At the crossroads
I am at the crossroads now. I see that I am now eligible for government support like dole, job seeker and et al after first two years of my PR with no such support. The tide is turning around like predicted in my horoscope. Things are settling down, all that i have to do now is to wait 2 more years till I get my citizenship, then try again at marriage and settle into a comfortable ride into the sunset. But is that what I want to do? Should I also abandon the vedas like just about every brahmin has done seeking their own personal preserverence.
What should I do... I am now trying to go back to the astrologer who predicted that come 2020 my budhan dasa starts and then things will be good for me for the next 17 years per my horoscope.
This is me.. At the crossroads.
I am at the crossroads now. I see that I am now eligible for government support like dole, job seeker and et al after first two years of my PR with no such support. The tide is turning around like predicted in my horoscope. Things are settling down, all that i have to do now is to wait 2 more years till I get my citizenship, then try again at marriage and settle into a comfortable ride into the sunset. But is that what I want to do? Should I also abandon the vedas like just about every brahmin has done seeking their own personal preserverence.
What should I do... I am now trying to go back to the astrologer who predicted that come 2020 my budhan dasa starts and then things will be good for me for the next 17 years per my horoscope.
This is me.. At the crossroads.
Some Improvement..
Did you know... I actually got a firmware engineer job in Melbourne. I thought I will never be able to program again.. But somehow got out of bed to apply for this firmware engineer job which seemed to be really paying only bottom of the salary baselines. So i did have an inkling that it might be easy work. And I was right.. the company was manufacturing swimming pool lights and needed a firmware engineer to program the light LEDS to produce different colour profiles. But the problem was that the job was in Dandenong south which meant that I had to travel approx. 50kms that too by public transport. I soon found out that this means a travel of 2 hours one way and I had to use all three modes of public transport - tram, train and bus. So I ended up leaving at 6.45am and came home to open my door to my apartment and colleen only at 7.30pm. Colleen is my housemate now. She is Irish and has a twin sister and is one of 4 siblings. Nice person.. but she is actually more understanding and stable when she is drunk than when she is not. hahahaha... And she is just a good friend, we are not having a physical relationship. A tidbit of info she gave me was that colleen in Irish meant girl... hahaha.. how cute.. she was named girl.. just a girl.. Anyways, back to the work. At first it seemed impossible.. there were no appropriate comments in the code or design documents for me to understand what is happening in the firmware. I had to basically sit down and read each line of the 40,000 or something lines of code. Although I did not read all of the 40k lines, I began to understand a bit of the logic in about 3 days. so felt a bit confident to continue the week. And surprise on the first paycheck I got 1,253.61 AUD after taxes.. that lit things up a bit and I decided to continue. But it was hard to basically start out the door at 6.45am and come back at 7.30pm. It was like I was working in India. And this is specifically what I wanted to end. I wanted to have a life.. an evening to myself.. just wasting time or not is another matter.
Anyways, there were a few bickerings from my manager that I am late everyday by 10 to 15 mins. I told him that I am travelling from st.kilda and it takes a quite a bit of time and so I could not come earlier. Soon we got into the swing of work and I was attached to a project to re-engineer an comptetitors project so our swimming pool lights can replace their lights. This was a three month project and surprise, I completed it in 3 weeks approx. But what happened was something like this.. On Tuesday we were discussing that I had not accumulated enough work hours to take the christmas break but the manager thought it was ok and I could go on the 17 day break of holidays. On Wednesday he emailed me to ask for my photo so it can be put on the noticeboard to say that I am the new entrant. On thursday, I finished the re-engineering of Hayward our competitors OmniDirect lights firmware. And friday evening as I was leaving, the manager joined me and mumbled something like this is unpleasant but it has to be done. When I asked what it was, he took me to a room and said that he was letting me go. He was not happy that I was always late and since this was a small company people were noticing that I was late and asking why they should not be late. He pressed that there needs to be equity among the employees and therefore the decision to let me go. I just kept quiet. It was a bit too much.. he went on rambling.. there are other reasons too and blah blah blah.. but it did not matter to me. I knew the management had made a decision and they were not going to change it. So I just said thank you and left.
Anyway, I thought now that that was over, I might as well go back to the low profile jobs like security guard. Did you know.. I have now calculated that I need to save only 20,000 AUD per year for the next 8 years and regularly put it in a LIC annuity plan every year to have a monthly payout to me of 60,000 Rs when I return to india in 8 years time. And if I also get disability pension in australia because of my schizophrenia, I get about 33,000rs more per month meaning a total of 1 lakh per month for free for the rest of my life. So I had pretty much settled down on what needs to be done and slowly went to the temple on sunday. when a turning point hit again.
I was checking whatsapp and suddenly saw that Assam had messaged me.. asking me how i was doing. Said I was ok. She asked if I was thinking about her. I said yes a bit truthfully. And chat winded into why we were not married. I did not know what to say. I told her there were multiple times when I told her I would marry her but certain other instances in our lives meant that this did not happen. It seems she is now doing her part time MBA in IIM Calcutta. I told her I will catch the next flight, come to india and marry her. But she said no. It seems I had created a very poor impression on her mother and sister and they will not allow the marriage. I tried to push the matter. I told her I had just joined a Diploma in childcare here in melbourne and they were also having shutdown for christmas and new year and I will not be able to get these holidays again during the year. But she was firm, she said she had exams on dec 12/13th for her mba classes and did not want to think about marriage. But she did want to marry and said she will try to convince her mother and sister first before moving forward.
Now, I am sitting here waiting for an interview in about an hour at 1.30pm AEDT for a technical program manager position. I had applied for firmware positions again after talking to Assam. She said she did not want to be called a security guards wife... which is acceptable in india but not here in melbourne. In Australia, everyone goes to some job just for 8 hours and they are defined by what they do in personal life outside of work. But in India, work means working for 14 hours a day or so which means that is all that you are doing.. so work defines the person and therefore Assam's comment that I dont want to be a security guards wife gains significance. But yeah.. So anyways, I also gave a screening interview for a security guard job last week but also trying for a harder firmware job to try and balance assam's wants too.
But assam coming into the picture confuses a lot of things.I was getting comfortable with being dull and non-existential, non-materialistic and just leading my life towards my 8 year goal in Australia and then return to srirangam to learn the scriptures from our acharyan till about 65 when I intended to euthanize and go off peacefully into nothingness. The reason for this particular path was that I had learnt from multiple renowned astrologers that due to the placement of jupiter and rahu and maybe mercury too I will not have a good family life in this jenma. If I tried to marry, either the girl will suffer or I will suffer like I have suffered the first schiz event when i was engaged in 2007. I have now tried to marry atleast 3 times and all three times failed. So I have to believe the predictions taking into cognisance what is happening in really in my life. And I am not really interested and literally do not have the mental capacity to achieve high levels in career. Therefore the srirangam direction.
Now that Assam is there, I have to try to pick myself up again.. out of the cobwebs.. I tried to do this in 2020 and reduced my own medication to become more active and vital so that I could marry assam. We all know what happened at that time. I basically tipped back into a relapse of schizophrenia and assam could not handle it and left me by blocking me on whatsapp. But truth is I cannot be this dull and non-responsive and marry someone so I talked to my doctor here and we are going to try a new medicine which was only approved about 2 years back.Now this basically means that I am going to have to risk another relapse of schiz.. because the doctor will now have to titrate which dose will balance the side effects of the medicine so I can lead a normal life. The side effects of these medicines are quite crippling.. they might even cause suicidal thoughts or severe depression which basically counteracts my need for trying a new medicine so I can marry. So i have to quickly find that sweet dosage which does not cause side effects but also controls my schiz. The problem is also that if the doctor mistakenly gives me a dose too low, I would basically skip into schiz right away.
But yeah, I am trying this supposedly latest and greatest medicine in the market now. Its actually damn costly. Its about 150 AUD for just 30 tablets of minimum dosage.
I just started on the meds.. Lets see how it goes over the next weeks.. Heres hoping I dont spin out of control or become suicidal..
It is now playing Aaj Ki Raat (This night.. what is going to happen.. this night) from Don in youtube... enjoy the song till my next post..
Did you know... I actually got a firmware engineer job in Melbourne. I thought I will never be able to program again.. But somehow got out of bed to apply for this firmware engineer job which seemed to be really paying only bottom of the salary baselines. So i did have an inkling that it might be easy work. And I was right.. the company was manufacturing swimming pool lights and needed a firmware engineer to program the light LEDS to produce different colour profiles. But the problem was that the job was in Dandenong south which meant that I had to travel approx. 50kms that too by public transport. I soon found out that this means a travel of 2 hours one way and I had to use all three modes of public transport - tram, train and bus. So I ended up leaving at 6.45am and came home to open my door to my apartment and colleen only at 7.30pm. Colleen is my housemate now. She is Irish and has a twin sister and is one of 4 siblings. Nice person.. but she is actually more understanding and stable when she is drunk than when she is not. hahahaha... And she is just a good friend, we are not having a physical relationship. A tidbit of info she gave me was that colleen in Irish meant girl... hahaha.. how cute.. she was named girl.. just a girl.. Anyways, back to the work. At first it seemed impossible.. there were no appropriate comments in the code or design documents for me to understand what is happening in the firmware. I had to basically sit down and read each line of the 40,000 or something lines of code. Although I did not read all of the 40k lines, I began to understand a bit of the logic in about 3 days. so felt a bit confident to continue the week. And surprise on the first paycheck I got 1,253.61 AUD after taxes.. that lit things up a bit and I decided to continue. But it was hard to basically start out the door at 6.45am and come back at 7.30pm. It was like I was working in India. And this is specifically what I wanted to end. I wanted to have a life.. an evening to myself.. just wasting time or not is another matter.
Anyways, there were a few bickerings from my manager that I am late everyday by 10 to 15 mins. I told him that I am travelling from st.kilda and it takes a quite a bit of time and so I could not come earlier. Soon we got into the swing of work and I was attached to a project to re-engineer an comptetitors project so our swimming pool lights can replace their lights. This was a three month project and surprise, I completed it in 3 weeks approx. But what happened was something like this.. On Tuesday we were discussing that I had not accumulated enough work hours to take the christmas break but the manager thought it was ok and I could go on the 17 day break of holidays. On Wednesday he emailed me to ask for my photo so it can be put on the noticeboard to say that I am the new entrant. On thursday, I finished the re-engineering of Hayward our competitors OmniDirect lights firmware. And friday evening as I was leaving, the manager joined me and mumbled something like this is unpleasant but it has to be done. When I asked what it was, he took me to a room and said that he was letting me go. He was not happy that I was always late and since this was a small company people were noticing that I was late and asking why they should not be late. He pressed that there needs to be equity among the employees and therefore the decision to let me go. I just kept quiet. It was a bit too much.. he went on rambling.. there are other reasons too and blah blah blah.. but it did not matter to me. I knew the management had made a decision and they were not going to change it. So I just said thank you and left.
Anyway, I thought now that that was over, I might as well go back to the low profile jobs like security guard. Did you know.. I have now calculated that I need to save only 20,000 AUD per year for the next 8 years and regularly put it in a LIC annuity plan every year to have a monthly payout to me of 60,000 Rs when I return to india in 8 years time. And if I also get disability pension in australia because of my schizophrenia, I get about 33,000rs more per month meaning a total of 1 lakh per month for free for the rest of my life. So I had pretty much settled down on what needs to be done and slowly went to the temple on sunday. when a turning point hit again.
I was checking whatsapp and suddenly saw that Assam had messaged me.. asking me how i was doing. Said I was ok. She asked if I was thinking about her. I said yes a bit truthfully. And chat winded into why we were not married. I did not know what to say. I told her there were multiple times when I told her I would marry her but certain other instances in our lives meant that this did not happen. It seems she is now doing her part time MBA in IIM Calcutta. I told her I will catch the next flight, come to india and marry her. But she said no. It seems I had created a very poor impression on her mother and sister and they will not allow the marriage. I tried to push the matter. I told her I had just joined a Diploma in childcare here in melbourne and they were also having shutdown for christmas and new year and I will not be able to get these holidays again during the year. But she was firm, she said she had exams on dec 12/13th for her mba classes and did not want to think about marriage. But she did want to marry and said she will try to convince her mother and sister first before moving forward.
Now, I am sitting here waiting for an interview in about an hour at 1.30pm AEDT for a technical program manager position. I had applied for firmware positions again after talking to Assam. She said she did not want to be called a security guards wife... which is acceptable in india but not here in melbourne. In Australia, everyone goes to some job just for 8 hours and they are defined by what they do in personal life outside of work. But in India, work means working for 14 hours a day or so which means that is all that you are doing.. so work defines the person and therefore Assam's comment that I dont want to be a security guards wife gains significance. But yeah.. So anyways, I also gave a screening interview for a security guard job last week but also trying for a harder firmware job to try and balance assam's wants too.
But assam coming into the picture confuses a lot of things.I was getting comfortable with being dull and non-existential, non-materialistic and just leading my life towards my 8 year goal in Australia and then return to srirangam to learn the scriptures from our acharyan till about 65 when I intended to euthanize and go off peacefully into nothingness. The reason for this particular path was that I had learnt from multiple renowned astrologers that due to the placement of jupiter and rahu and maybe mercury too I will not have a good family life in this jenma. If I tried to marry, either the girl will suffer or I will suffer like I have suffered the first schiz event when i was engaged in 2007. I have now tried to marry atleast 3 times and all three times failed. So I have to believe the predictions taking into cognisance what is happening in really in my life. And I am not really interested and literally do not have the mental capacity to achieve high levels in career. Therefore the srirangam direction.
Now that Assam is there, I have to try to pick myself up again.. out of the cobwebs.. I tried to do this in 2020 and reduced my own medication to become more active and vital so that I could marry assam. We all know what happened at that time. I basically tipped back into a relapse of schizophrenia and assam could not handle it and left me by blocking me on whatsapp. But truth is I cannot be this dull and non-responsive and marry someone so I talked to my doctor here and we are going to try a new medicine which was only approved about 2 years back.Now this basically means that I am going to have to risk another relapse of schiz.. because the doctor will now have to titrate which dose will balance the side effects of the medicine so I can lead a normal life. The side effects of these medicines are quite crippling.. they might even cause suicidal thoughts or severe depression which basically counteracts my need for trying a new medicine so I can marry. So i have to quickly find that sweet dosage which does not cause side effects but also controls my schiz. The problem is also that if the doctor mistakenly gives me a dose too low, I would basically skip into schiz right away.
But yeah, I am trying this supposedly latest and greatest medicine in the market now. Its actually damn costly. Its about 150 AUD for just 30 tablets of minimum dosage.
I just started on the meds.. Lets see how it goes over the next weeks.. Heres hoping I dont spin out of control or become suicidal..
It is now playing Aaj Ki Raat (This night.. what is going to happen.. this night) from Don in youtube... enjoy the song till my next post..
Thank you a-TB sir.. lets see what happens.. The tech program manager job did not materialise but I might be on the list for a test engineer at Ford here in melbourne. I dont think there is much competition because the job is at a remote location and requires a travel of 70km with no public transport access which means I have to buy a car now. And yeah.. Assam again left. . I dont know what to do with her.. Although I like her, she cannot bounce me off whenever... so decided to keep away. I only wanted to discuss the effects of the medicines which might affect our life together and she says she does not want to think.. And yeah.. I dont know if I was right to force her to acknowledge it.. which basically caused her to have a tiff and say she is not interested in the relationship.. at the end.. I just dont know..
Lights, Camera, Action !!
-------------------------
Guess what.. I got to work as an extra on a TV Serial here in Australia. The TV Show is called Shantaram. Its a show made in Australia about an australian jailbird who escapes jail and goes to India and becomes a spiritual man and travels across the world. And since they could not travel to India to shoot certain scenes, they needed indian ppl to act as extras on set to shoot the scenes in melbourne itself. I spent the whole day on set in Newport. The food they gave was good, slightly better than decent. I dont know how much I will be paid for working from 6.30AM to 8.30pm.. but it was downright boring.. it was take, retake, reset and retake again... lol.. reminds me of the time when I was in chennai working in sameer just before I went to singapore and joined HP in end of 2010. I had witnessed a shooting near my office in Sameer and we all staff had gone out to see what was happening during the lunch time. As there is not much to talk about my shantaram shoot.. I will copy paste the email I sent to my friends at the time in chennai in 2010.. it was more fun then than now when I had to deal with reality... lol..
The email:
There had been some film shooting going on near my office. So I thought I will go there and see what is going on in the afternoon.
By afternoon, I found that director Bala was there for the filming. So I went with my small gang of friends to watch. Thats when I saw director bala for the first time.
Being the kind hearted person that I am, I thought why not help him add some star value to his next movie. So I went and stood in the front of the rest of the people. Unfortunately, Bala could not see the future which was standing right in front of him.
hmmm.... Vidhi yaara vittudhu....
With a heavy heart, I left bala to his fate and went back to work.
lol...
-------------------------
Guess what.. I got to work as an extra on a TV Serial here in Australia. The TV Show is called Shantaram. Its a show made in Australia about an australian jailbird who escapes jail and goes to India and becomes a spiritual man and travels across the world. And since they could not travel to India to shoot certain scenes, they needed indian ppl to act as extras on set to shoot the scenes in melbourne itself. I spent the whole day on set in Newport. The food they gave was good, slightly better than decent. I dont know how much I will be paid for working from 6.30AM to 8.30pm.. but it was downright boring.. it was take, retake, reset and retake again... lol.. reminds me of the time when I was in chennai working in sameer just before I went to singapore and joined HP in end of 2010. I had witnessed a shooting near my office in Sameer and we all staff had gone out to see what was happening during the lunch time. As there is not much to talk about my shantaram shoot.. I will copy paste the email I sent to my friends at the time in chennai in 2010.. it was more fun then than now when I had to deal with reality... lol..
The email:
There had been some film shooting going on near my office. So I thought I will go there and see what is going on in the afternoon.
By afternoon, I found that director Bala was there for the filming. So I went with my small gang of friends to watch. Thats when I saw director bala for the first time.
Being the kind hearted person that I am, I thought why not help him add some star value to his next movie. So I went and stood in the front of the rest of the people. Unfortunately, Bala could not see the future which was standing right in front of him.
hmmm.... Vidhi yaara vittudhu....
With a heavy heart, I left bala to his fate and went back to work.
lol...
The new medicines did not work.. or.. worked only briefly.. at 2mg of rexulti, I was getting a mouth full of ulcers and sore throat so much so that I could not even swallow water. I tried to push through but it was too much and switched back to amisulpride. It was the holidays and I could not see the doctor, had to immediately stop the rexulti and start using my stock of amisulpride which I had not yet thrown out luckily. Have to see the doc and see what needs to be done.. But the rexulti was good, it made me more active, less sleepy and helped my sex drive too.. but unfortunately the side effects are unbearable.
I also re-initiated the case against bosch with a new lawyer. Just paid him a hefty sum to take it. Hope this time things work in the desired fashion.. the old lawyer kid was simply keeping on asking for money. I had to put a stop to it.
I also filed a case against ICICI because the bank back in 2019 had emptied my bank account within two days of my EMI on a personal loan being due. I asked them who gave them the right to empty my bank account without my permission and they sent goons to my house saying I have a personal loan and also followed up with a lawyer notice that I had not paid my emi.. after I paid my emi.. so was just irritated with this hooliganism from icici and decided to question them in court.. lets see how that pans out.
As you know.. assam has left .. holidays just passed without incident.. except my roommate invited me to her family dinner for christmas.. it went off ok.
nothing else pretty much. lets see..
oh yes, I got a job with the health department, its in their covid customer support branch. we have to see how that works.. I also have another tech job interview coming with a bigger pay packet.. but we have to wait and see.
And so..
Happy New Year to everyone..
I also re-initiated the case against bosch with a new lawyer. Just paid him a hefty sum to take it. Hope this time things work in the desired fashion.. the old lawyer kid was simply keeping on asking for money. I had to put a stop to it.
I also filed a case against ICICI because the bank back in 2019 had emptied my bank account within two days of my EMI on a personal loan being due. I asked them who gave them the right to empty my bank account without my permission and they sent goons to my house saying I have a personal loan and also followed up with a lawyer notice that I had not paid my emi.. after I paid my emi.. so was just irritated with this hooliganism from icici and decided to question them in court.. lets see how that pans out.
As you know.. assam has left .. holidays just passed without incident.. except my roommate invited me to her family dinner for christmas.. it went off ok.
nothing else pretty much. lets see..
oh yes, I got a job with the health department, its in their covid customer support branch. we have to see how that works.. I also have another tech job interview coming with a bigger pay packet.. but we have to wait and see.
And so..
Happy New Year to everyone..
I have been looking at the forex market since I left for Australia last June. Hopefully I can make some money of the markets this june. Amma always said that I will be a big man one day, once she even went to the extent of saying I know you will be a big man one day but i dont know if I will be there to see it. And just as usual, I told her, it is difficult to be even successful for me and I cannot be a big man.
My amma passed away at 11.48AM on 26th April with her family by her bedside.
My amma passed away at 11.48AM on 26th April with her family by her bedside.
Lotusinsanskrit
Active member
RIP
Pray to god to give strength to you to bear the loss.
It is better one help oneself first. Without a good foundation thinking of building to higher level will be futile and one may not go far. About vedic education to the young ones or new generation, there are many groups already operating. The least one can do is support these groups.
Many will be aware the process was started at least one from family learn vedas and this was set in motion by the maha periava. In many areas not only youngsters but the office goers attend these veda classes regularly. In chennai one Sharma Shashrigal is very active and also helps in establishing veda patsshalas and there are other groups
Many will be aware the process was started at least one from family learn vedas and this was set in motion by the maha periava. In many areas not only youngsters but the office goers attend these veda classes regularly. In chennai one Sharma Shashrigal is very active and also helps in establishing veda patsshalas and there are other groups
You are right. I have now reduced my goals to just spend the next 8 years in australia so I become eligible for age pension in australia and I dont have to beg when I am senile. After 8 years, I intend to go to srirangam and try to learn the vedas. Have already identified a guru for myself and he has also accepted that he will take me as his sishya
Ei Sandaali
-----------
Things are going on. I came to melbourne and started my security job. Have requested them that i will be travelling to india for my mothers karyam throughout the first year. They were accommodative and agreed. Have been working night shifts for the past two weeks. Will be travelling back for 25th day and 1st maasyam with this saturday night flight. My mother keeps coming in my dreams. She seems to be searching for something. I keep asking her what she wants but she does not answer and is busy searching or reading something. A voice similar to that of our comedian actor santhanam says with a sarcastic voice that she is searching for a girl. I dont know what to do.
Had another argument with assam. She now says that we both agree on our differences and she cannot be a brahmin girl like my family wants. I got angry. we stopped chatting. I downloaded some adult dating apps.
Ei Sandaali song..
-----------
Things are going on. I came to melbourne and started my security job. Have requested them that i will be travelling to india for my mothers karyam throughout the first year. They were accommodative and agreed. Have been working night shifts for the past two weeks. Will be travelling back for 25th day and 1st maasyam with this saturday night flight. My mother keeps coming in my dreams. She seems to be searching for something. I keep asking her what she wants but she does not answer and is busy searching or reading something. A voice similar to that of our comedian actor santhanam says with a sarcastic voice that she is searching for a girl. I dont know what to do.
Had another argument with assam. She now says that we both agree on our differences and she cannot be a brahmin girl like my family wants. I got angry. we stopped chatting. I downloaded some adult dating apps.
Ei Sandaali song..
Dear Mr Krishnan - Between your mental condition requiring medications with side effects and your life experience of suffering you have shared over the years, what I say may not make sense to you.
Forget about going and memorizing some vedic mantras. Both the teacher that teaches them and the one that learns are clueless about the meanings. The meanings for most part are inane,
Most teachers do not have knowledge of Sanskrit and that too Vedic sanskrit rules that are grand fathered. Memorizing some verses without knowing the meaning is a Tamasic activity. For the love you have for Vedas you can send money to existing Patashalas that train children.
Next is to learn the practice of meditation. You have lots of hurt and anger to resolve all for your own peace of mind. I came across what Buddhist Practice called Loving and Kindness meditation. I would do that ever day for 30 min to hour. You can google the term and find some links
Learn about Karma Yoga. Mostly misunderstood. I think. Learn Practice that in your current profession of security guard.
Let go the idea that you are a Brahmanan or any sub caste caste. These are unnecessary labels with baggage. You can awaken to be being a human being only by letting go all these labels of any kind.
Continue taking your medications.
Do your Shraddham rituals fully. Do Gayatri Japam daily in the morning after understanding the meaning.
You may or may not be able to marry since finding someone may be hard. However address the bodily needs some other way even if it involves paying for it with gratitude and respect. Best is to overcome such biological needs altogether over time. I am making this suggestion without personal experience (in paying).
You have to try all these over a couple of years with utmost sincerity and see how you feel about life
My apologies in advance if I have offended you in anyway with what I have written. I share these only due to concern for your well being simply because you have been very open and honest sharing your life story here.. All the best.
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