Rate or Race of Divorcees.

[renuka]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) LinkedIn WhatsApp Email Share Link

Dear Kunjuppu,

You said;

here in the forum, we have love marriages - i presume, renu, Yamaka and others...they took a big step to break from tradition, to take ownership of probably the one key process/function/celebration in our life, that could be within our own control. these have, from what we gather,withstood the test of time.

I had an arranged marriage.My husband is a Non Tamilian.My parents had a love marriage and so did my grandparents and even my MIL and FIL had a love marriage and even my husbands grandparents had a love marriage.
It was Love Marriage all the way through both sides of the family and my husband and I broke the tradition by having an Arranged Marriage.

Most people always think I had love marriage cos my husband and I are from different community(but both of us are Hindus are just feel that we are Indians).

 

[tbs]

Heheh TBSgaru emi lah meeru?? Kaavalne ala raastharaa? Thappu ga raasthaaru. Nenu meeku nerpisthaanulah Malay. Emi cheptaaru?

hi amala garu,
chaala thanks....naaku telusu meeru nerpisthanrani...naaku malay koddhiga telusu..ekkuga raadhu.....koncham cantoneese vocchu...

meeru edhu chesthunu naaku istsame.....avuna?..kaadha...

regards
tbs

 

[tbs]

Dear Kunjuppu,

You said;







I had an arranged marriage.My husband is a Non Tamilian.My parents had a love marriage and so did my grandparents and even my MIL and FIL had a love marriage and even my husbands grandparents had a love marriage.
It was Love Marriage all the way through both sides of the family and my husband and I broke the tradition by having an Arranged Marriage.

Most people always think I had love marriage cos my husband and I are from different community(but both of us are Hindus are just feel that we are Indians).

hi renu..
i know that ur hubby's ancestory is malayalee...they are keralites...ur family is pillai in tamil ...am i rite?


regards
tbs

 

[C RAVI]

ravi,

please read B Krishnamurthi's (#48) and nachi naga's (#41) posts here.

i think, you are sufficiently and more, understanding, that there exists a lot more in this world, that what we are exposed to, and what we can comprehend.

you are single, and if i am not wrong, yet to live on close quarters with a female, in a conjugal relationship. your world of relationships is an ideal world, and i do wish, that these remain true and steadfast.

the realities, experienced through BK & nachi, i have several times, in my circle of friends and family. the best thing, i think, to do, in those circumstances, is to shun aside discordant values, and stick with the loved ones we know. for god knows, how much support and succour these need in those times of suffering and maybe social outcast (if in india).

here in the forum, we have love marriages - i presume, renu, Yamaka and others...they took a big step to break from tradition, to take ownership of probably the one key process/function/celebration in our life, that could be within our own control. these have, from what we gather,withstood the test of time.

thank yous...

Shri Kunjuppu,

You are absolutely right in your above posts. Let me make you clear that, I am not against divorce. I don't consider divorce as taboo. In my other post in this thread, I have indicated that divorce can be opted for only when the situaltion is worst and both the spouse have taken the maximum steps with patience and consideration to see whether they can adjust well with each other to continue in their marriage or not. If they could not come to mutual terms in true sense and or if one of the spouse gone insane and can not even be considered for reconcillation, than opting divorce as a final resort would be right. This is good for husband and wife and for their children. Leads to healthy and happy family and healthy society.

That is why couples in question who have opted for divorce are first given counselling. Through counselling, they are made to come out of any misunderstanding and negative mental block, they are offered with some tips and strategies to work on it and to help them see where they stand, what they find and what could they feel at the end, before finally opting for Divorce.


All these counselling strategies can not be considered as misleading the couples, considering that couples in question are holding discordant values and they should be encouraged to shun aside such values and move ahead with divorce as earliest as possible to make their life better with a More Lovable person.

AFA I am concerned, I am though single, I have the maturity and the capability to understand, evaluate and consider what is what about marriage, married life and the probable complications. We see many things in our family and social circle and we learn a lot despite experiencing personally.

So, for sure, I would not consider Counselling for couples before divorce as ridiculous and as a brainwashing strategy to ruine one's feel and urge of love and happiness.


As I have stated in my post #47, now a days couples in urban zones lack patience and family values. The cause of quick divorce are ego, suspeciousness, too many friendships beyond limits with opposite sex, the dire desire to fulfill everything as per expecations within a short stipulated time etc. These tendencies are building up among couples and they casually walk out of wedlock, considering elders advices and counselling by experts are just brainwashing strategy and an attempt to fool their matured brains.

As far as your concluding para is concerned, please be noted that in todays mechanical and challenging world no one have the time to understand and follow traditional functions/celebrations/rituals exactly as per the ancestral traditional practices and vedic rules. All guys and gals are advancing much to cope up with this fast moving modern and scientific world and to have a more comfortable life. We tend to enjoy our traditions/rituals and try to accomplish them for our satisfaction, for a sense of fun and charm and some sort of fulfillment as per our belief, to the best of our living circumstances. Guys and girls in these days discuss all these between them and try to understand each other well before marriage and only then get married to each other. Now a days, please be noted that, the urge of a wife or husband to follow tradition/culture/rituals etc are not the root cause of divorces.

I reiterate that the absolute reasons behind divorces today are -

"As I have stated in my post #47, now a days couples in urban zones lack patience and family values. The cause of quick divorce are ego, suspeciousness, too many friendships beyond limits with opposite sex, the dire desire to fulfill everything as per expecations within a short stipulated time etc. These tendencies are building up among couples and they casually walk out of wedlock, considering elders advices and counselling by experts are just brainwashing strategy and an attempt to fool their matured brains."

 

[sangom]

Reference Post no.41& 46
My sympathies are with a poor man who is living separately from his legally wedded wife for the past 17 years.His attempts to get a divorce
from his estranged wife has been unsuccessful from the lowest court to the Highest court.Even his latest appeal to the Supreme court of India
to review their earlier judgment and grant him divorce so that he can marry another lady and lead a married life on the plea that every person should have a fundamental right to lead a married life has been rejected by the Highest Court in INDIA.The saddest part of the judgement
was a remark by the Bench that it is the 'Fate' of that person to remain single after having separated from his wife 17 years before.
I do not know why the wife refuses to stay with her husband and also unwilling for the divorce.
It is really funny that another community in India(Andhra Pradesh) belonging to stone cutters group(who also come under Hindu Faith) follow
a custom where the divorce between husband and wife is very easy (without any legal hurdles)and their community approves such a custom.
This happened to the servant maid who was working with us when we were in Hyderabad city.The girl was married by their family within their community to a boy staying in a rural area.The girl was unwilling to go to the rural area to join her husband and asked him to come to the city which he refused.Then the girl wrote a letter to the boy to marry some other girl.She told us that once she had written such a letter,her husband cannot claim her to be his wife and will never interfere in her life.The girl also looses her right to call him as her husband.The community recognizes such an arrangement.
What a simple convention among the illiterate community who are mainly daily wage earners.

Respected Shri Krishnamurthy,

Illiterate, daily wages earners will surely have simple ways of looking at marriage and divorce. But others who enter into marriage do not simply view it as such a simple thing, perhaps. What is happening nowadays (and this is true in the 17 year old case you refer to) is that the wife considers marriage as an all-comprehensive insurance for the rest of her life, her offspring's life and so on. She will not rest until all these demands are met fully and without any uncertainty; but because the law is such, the wife wants to see the "erring" husband to suffer for his entire life In fact this was the exact advice given to a young wife by a feminist activist; she said, "take maximum benefits from that useless fellow but never grant divorce. Let him suffer for his entire life."

 

[C RAVI]

Reference Post no.41& 46
My sympathies are with a poor man who is living separately from his legally wedded wife for the past 17 years.His attempts to get a divorce
from his estranged wife has been unsuccessful from the lowest court to the Highest court.Even his latest appeal to the Supreme court of India
to review their earlier judgment and grant him divorce so that he can marry another lady and lead a married life on the plea that every person should have a fundamental right to lead a married life has been rejected by the Highest Court in INDIA.The saddest part of the judgement
was a remark by the Bench that it is the 'Fate' of that person to remain single after having separated from his wife 17 years before.
I do not know why the wife refuses to stay with her husband and also unwilling for the divorce.
It is really funny that another community in India(Andhra Pradesh) belonging to stone cutters group(who also come under Hindu Faith) follow
a custom where the divorce between husband and wife is very easy (without any legal hurdles)and their community approves such a custom.
This happened to the servant maid who was working with us when we were in Hyderabad city.The girl was married by their family within their community to a boy staying in a rural area.The girl was unwilling to go to the rural area to join her husband and asked him to come to the city which he refused.Then the girl wrote a letter to the boy to marry some other girl.She told us that once she had written such a letter,her husband cannot claim her to be his wife and will never interfere in her life.The girl also looses her right to call him as her husband.The community recognizes such an arrangement.
What a simple convention among the illiterate community who are mainly daily wage earners.

Perfect revealation Shri. B.Krishnamurthy,

Whether its true love, family values, human values, sensitivity to all these etc etc are much much reasonable and to the fullest among illeterate poor community, earning daily wages. They could be so humble, modest, clear and honestly straight to the point (with out being extremely tacticle, crooked and twisting things), because of their understanding of what life is all about, through their simple living from their childhood.

I am not saying that well to do, educated people are lacking in all those refined qualities. But it is that, majority of such well to do, educated, professionals, tend to overlook upholding those fine qualities, knowingly or unknowingly.

My only elder sister went through such miserable conditions and trauma in her 11 years of married life, that we can not still get out of the realization of depth of the pain and suffering, when we recollect, all that she undergone and we brothers could feel, in our efforts to put things in order. She was extremely abused, mentally, physically and emotionally, though she is a highly talented and courageous lady. She did all that her cruel husband wanted her to do and could make him understand that they are having two lovely kids, that she is capable to support him financially through her inborn artistic talents, that she is very good in cooking, household chores, taking care of kids and a loving wife and a loving mother. Much to irony she could never succeed in making him a ideal man/husband/father.

At last she got seperated, taking two kids with her with a firm determination that she is not gonna give him divorce.

I may be wrong to think that she is right with her decision. But I could justify her decissions, considering the sufferings that she undergone, considering her efforts, she took to make things right and considering the pains, suffering, hurdels, loses etc., that we brothers went through to resolve issues in her family.

 

[N.R.Ranganathan]

Sir/Madam,

In the olden days, families could live together happily even though there
might have been disparities in income and other aspects. Marriages
were held sacred and a vow was taken before fire as the couple went
thru' all the rituals.

Bernard Shaw points out that the Hindu Joint family system is the best
form of socialism ( for further reading please refer to his book 'An intelligent
woman's guide to socialism etc '.)

I am wondering how Nations can live in peace ,harmony and love if these
things are absent in a small family.

 

[kunjuppu]

...................At last she got seperated, taking two kids with her with a firm determination that she is not gonna give him divorce.

I may be wrong to think that she is right with her decision. But I could justify her decissions, considering the sufferings that she undergone, considering her efforts, she took to make things right and considering the pains, suffering, hurdels, loses etc., that we brothers went through to resolve issues in her family.

ravi,

while holding off divorce may be a good strategy, to keep this guy on the hook and hock, it also holds your sister to this said guy, who for all purposes, is a no good husband.

no one, i think, in today's world, especially women, need to think, that there will be one and only one partner in their lifetime.

we live longer than our ancestors, and we break marriage bonds more than our ancestor. and there is the inevitable mortality. all these instances, changes the status to single for the spouse concerned. humans are not meant, i think, to be alone. except sanyasis ofcourse.

it is also an opportunity, to find another partner. i agree, that once bitten, one is twice shy. i have a relation, girl, who had a bad marriage, and was widowed in mid 30s. 15 years later, inspite of being a stunner, and inspite of support from her children to remarry, she is content to be alone - 'tired of taking orders from a man'. soon her children will be gone to lead their own lives, and what is left for her for another 25 or 30 years?

your sister, could have another life. a life on her own, with someone else. as long as she does not feel she is 'married' to her goodfornothing fellow, she can keep her options open, and if the right guy comes along, let loose that dog.

if i were a brother in such a situation, i would seek to find a man for my sister, and help her 'get on' with life.

best wishes to you and God Bless your sister.

 

[Iyyarooraan]

iyya,

your post #39

thank you for your details.

it is applicable if you can live with certain rules. certain abuses and hurts are so consistent, that a home is more a hell. i presume that you have not witnessed such instances.

i pray that you do not have to, especially for a loved one. believe me, for most divorces, the incompatibility is so great that short of killing each other, the mental and (sometimes) physical abuses abound to drive one mad.
divorce may not be the best alternative, but living together hurting constantly, is worse. i think so.

What you have said is what I referred to as extremes. I know a few cases like this in both arranged and chosen marriages. It is unfortunate for the victims. There may be many reasons or causes for the problems but arranged marriages can still give you some solace without any hurt feelings. First of all to consider marriage is for mutual enjoyment is just wrong. You better be intelligent to chose your problems according to your capacity because life is a problem and there is no solution till you take off.

 

[renuka]

hi renu..
i know that ur hubby's ancestory is malayalee...they are keralites...ur family is pillai in tamil ...am i rite?


regards
tbs

TBS I normally dont like to talk about caste but since you got all wrong I have to clear your doubt.

My dad is NOT a Pillai and My hubby is only 1/4 Malayalee and he has other types of indian blood too.

Hey you really have to ask this for the whole world to read or what?
If you want to know you can PM me lah!!!

 

[tbs]

hi renu
sorry Lah...........plz forgive me...just conformation.......

regards
tbs

 

[kunjuppu]

hi renu
sorry Lah...........plz forgive me...just conformation.......

regards
tbs

conform what?

that she is caste 'pure' ?

pls see meaning of conform below.


con·form   /kənˈfɔrm/ Show Spelled
[kuhn-fawrm] Show IPA

–verb (used without object)
1. to act in accordance or harmony; comply (usually followed by to ): to conform to rules.
2. to act in accord with the prevailing standards, attitudes, practices, etc., of society or a group: One has to conform in order to succeed in this company.


??

 

[tbs]

hi K sir,
its purely..... to act in accordance or harmony; comply (usually followed by to ): to conform to rules.

regards
tbs

 

[nachi naga]

Dear Nachi Naga,

Sometimes some people come into our life with the reasons best known to God.
Sometimes our spouses can be Karmic Partners of the Debt Kind where we had an unfinished "account" in a previous birth and once the "account" is settled we just move on.This is what I read before.

Take care.Be happy.Remember Baba is always with you.I will be in Putatparthi next month and I will pray for God to give you happiness best suited for you.

Lots of Love
Renu

thank you.sai ram.

 

[nachi naga]

so sorry to hear this nachi. pray you come out of this as a whole, with hope and strength to start anew. God Bless.

thanks kunju.yes may god bless all in all worlds.

 

[nachi naga]

Shri Kunjuppu,

I may be wrong, but I feel that you are not much aware of present generation Divorce reasons..

There are more than 650 divorce cases in family courts in TN itself every year and mostly due to ego clashes, suspeciousness and to many friendships to the maximum limits with opposite sex of the newly married couples. There are many peculiar cases where couples were once lovers for a year or more, got married and filed divorce within 3 months of marriage..And most of the divorces are between the couples working in IT firms and BPO's

as long as one spouse especially the females played the role of emotional support role the marriages worked.now the females are empowered plus dual role of breadwinner - emotional support,has made life intolerable with stress peaked out,the only punching bag available is the husband,the one true person,who sometimes makes mistakes during this role play.working single woman or working single dad is awesome responsibility,imho.material comforts will never replace emotional comfort of love understanding compassion.thotta kutram ninna kutram ellamay kutram mindset owing biological changes during menopause and mid life crisis in man and woman,and above all just being unable to cope with reality,is the cause and the effect is divorce.society accepts all behavioural patterns of existance,thankfully my present time is cogenial to live and let live.

 

[tbs]

hi NN
what happened/....take care....god bless u.......sai ram


regards
tbs

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Kunjuppu,

You said;







I had an arranged marriage.My husband is a Non Tamilian.My parents had a love marriage and so did my grandparents and even my MIL and FIL had a love marriage and even my husbands grandparents had a love marriage.
It was Love Marriage all the way through both sides of the family and my husband and I broke the tradition by having an Arranged Marriage.

Most people always think I had love marriage cos my husband and I are from different community(but both of us are Hindus are just feel that we are Indians).

sorry boss, i presumed wrong.

my children feel they are hindu canadians. even the indian identity is not there. no caste. actually no language either. but strong identity. i wdo not see them being anything but hindu.

 

[kunjuppu]

....thotta kutram ninna kutram ellamay kutram mindset owing biological changes during menopause and mid life crisis in man and woman,and above all just being unable to cope with reality,is the cause and the effect is divorce.....

how true!

very true!

sad but true!

 

[nachi naga]

hi NN
what happened/....take care....god bless u.......sai ram


regards
tbs

Ella figurayum parka ninappadhu BOys aka men, Mentality. But ella Boysum thannai mattume paakanumnu ninaipadhu Girls aka women, Mentality. So, Boys are Genuine & Girls are selfish.BUT IPPO HOMO LESBO WEARAY WANDUTHU SHIVA-SHAKTHI NAMSTHUBYAM

 

[biswa]

Most people always think I had love marriage cos my husband and I are from different community(but both of us are Hindus are just feel that we are Indians).

What does community even mean in this context? Is it like a sub-caste? Is it a place where people get together and sing Bhajans?

Is Reddy a community? Patel as well? Does it mean that a Reddy from Delhi and a Reddy from Guntur will behave similarly? Or a Patel from Ahmedabad and a Patel from Michigan both like to be in motel/gas station business? I knew the Patel from Michigan btw, he happened to be a Professor.

 

[renuka]

What does community even mean in this context? Is it like a sub-caste? Is it a place where people get together and sing Bhajans?

Is Reddy a community? Patel as well? Does it mean that a Reddy from Delhi and a Reddy from Guntur will behave similarly? Or a Patel from Ahmedabad and a Patel from Michigan both like to be in motel/gas station business? I knew the Patel from Michigan btw, he happened to be a Professor.

Hey Biswa,

I am not talking about subcaste ok..I was talking about interstate differences.

Ok BTW I was wondering what community a guy can be from who has a Bengali sounding name as in Biswa,translates Telegu well,admires a Pattar(Vidya Balan) and hangs around a TB forum??

Any idea???

 

[renuka]

ravi,

while holding off divorce may be a good strategy, to keep this guy on the hook and hock, it also holds your sister to this said guy, who for all purposes, is a no good husband.

no one, i think, in today's world, especially women, need to think, that there will be one and only one partner in their lifetime.

we live longer than our ancestors, and we break marriage bonds more than our ancestor. and there is the inevitable mortality. all these instances, changes the status to single for the spouse concerned. humans are not meant, i think, to be alone. except sanyasis ofcourse.

it is also an opportunity, to find another partner. i agree, that once bitten, one is twice shy. i have a relation, girl, who had a bad marriage, and was widowed in mid 30s. 15 years later, inspite of being a stunner, and inspite of support from her children to remarry, she is content to be alone - 'tired of taking orders from a man'. soon her children will be gone to lead their own lives, and what is left for her for another 25 or 30 years?

your sister, could have another life. a life on her own, with someone else. as long as she does not feel she is 'married' to her goodfornothing fellow, she can keep her options open, and if the right guy comes along, let loose that dog.

if i were a brother in such a situation, i would seek to find a man for my sister, and help her 'get on' with life.

best wishes to you and God Bless your sister.

I agree with Kunjuppu here cos the kids are living a life now which is the same as what kids with divorced parents are living.She is leading a life like a divorcee even though legally she in not a one.

Ravi I know I can come across as very unconventional in my thoughts but I sincerely feel its better for your sister to move on.
In life there is no guarantee for anything..may be the next man will prove to be a better person than her hubby and God might give her a second chance to be happy in life.Even if she decided to remain unmarried its better she divorces him than to be linked to him in anyway.

Hanging on to something not worth it anymore really hurts.I think you should heed Kunjuppus advise and be the loving brother who dared to make his sister happy again.

 

[C RAVI]

Hanging on to something not worth it anymore really hurts.I think you should heed Kunjuppus advise and be the loving brother who dared to make his sister happy again.

Thank you very much for your sincere suggestion and guidance, dear Renuka..

For sure I will work hard towards practical, idealistic and unconventional thoughts to reform my sister's life, with true love and daring, that was lacking in me so far.

I wish my sister could heed to my refinements, accepts my true love and daring and help me to help herself and her kids.

I will pass on to you, my Sister's photograph and that of her kids. If you happen to visit Bangalore and could accidently find her there or some where else, please inform me. I will be grateful to you.

Because you know? She don't want we bothers to be behind her any more and ruin our life, with her own conclusive ideas and left us with stong notes in a piece of paper. Stating, she will be back as soon as possible and we should not make any attempts to trace her out, if we really love her and wants her to be back some day.

 

[C RAVI]

as long as one spouse especially the females played the role of emotional support role the marriages worked.now the females are empowered plus dual role of breadwinner - emotional support,has made life intolerable with stress peaked out,the only punching bag available is the husband,the one true person,who sometimes makes mistakes during this role play.working single woman or working single dad is awesome responsibility,imho.material comforts will never replace emotional comfort of love understanding compassion.thotta kutram ninna kutram ellamay kutram mindset owing biological changes during menopause and mid life crisis in man and woman,and above all just being unable to cope with reality,is the cause and the effect is divorce.society accepts all behavioural patterns of existance,thankfully my present time is cogenial to live and let live.

Shri Nachi Naga,

Sorry to note this..

---------------------
Offcourse today's society accepts anything and we live to the best of our comfort and happiness...

It is really upsetting to have a situation in married life to resort to divorce after 20 years of marriage with grown up teen age children.

Sir, every person's life time situation is uniquie and no one can come up with sollution for others. And no one of the outsiders can point out as who is the erring person, erring in some way or other.

I am just trying to know to help myself better and to have more better perspectives...Hope you would not mistake me. I am talking for grated, based on how much I know of you for long and how nice person are you.

For sure, you must have taken efforts a lot to avoid divorce and finally coudn't have succeeded.



Sir,

As you have stated - "thotta kutram ninna kutram ellamay kutram mindset owing biological changes during menopause and mid life crisis in man and woman"

Sir, through some post of yours, long before, I could come to know that you love your wife very much and she mean the whole world for you. You had wonderful married life for 20 years with your loving wife, each one of you cooperating and contributing for each other and for the children. These fault findings due bilogical changes during menopause and mid life crisis can no't be considered a temporary passing clouds? And can not be left as it is, bearing the pain with hopes that sooner or later things will be allright? Can't we guys make extra ordinary efforts to make her relax, make her happy and make her feel as much comfortable as possible, purely with our true love and care?

I am just highlighting the possibilities of sustaining marriage without pain and grudge and with true comppasionate love and care for the wife, who had a long journey altogether. Since we know her from the very begining, can't we hold on all the sweet memories of her love, care, compassion etc..towards us and towards our family and act in a positive manner during the crises as you have indicated?

If wife herself have determined to go for divorce ignoring our efforts to stall with true constructing roles, than we can't help. But, if we decide for it as the only sollution, to get relieved of her "Mistaking us often, unreasonably" and other psychic disturbances due to biological factors, will that be the right choice? Would not it give the same sense of understanding to our kids about marriage and married life?

As you said - "and above all just being unable to cope with reality,is the cause and the effect is divorce"

Sir, "the reality of the world outside" may change, "the reality of the life expectations" may change...

BUT can 'the reality of husband-wife relatioship change"? Can "the reality of true love and care" change? Can "the reality of family values/belief and charm" change?

If all these can change, can we really have all these beauties and charm of life as single and or through other second person?





"