I do not know what K sir had in his mind while making this comment but I find this comment as capable of making dangerous impact on gullible minds. One should actually think that marriage is a life-long association. It would help in better understanding, emphathy, strength to handle conflicts, etc. If people start thinking the way it is suggested in this comment, people might find "greener pastures" on the other side of the shore and might desert an otherwise good relationship.
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Rate or Race of Divorcees.
- Thread starter Iyyarooraan
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I do not know what K sir had in his mind while making this comment but I find this comment as capable of making dangerous impact on gullible minds. One should actually think that marriage is a life-long association. It would help in better understanding, emphathy, strength to handle conflicts, etc. If people start thinking the way it is suggested in this comment, people might find "greener pastures" on the other side of the shore and might desert an otherwise good relationship.
renuka
Well-known member
Dear Haridas,
I think it was just sincere advise from Kunjuppu and not really a passport for Promiscuity.It was just a suggestion that if something cant be mended we have the right to purchase another.
See like a glass plate once broken we need to replace it but Kunjs didnt want anyone both male & female to suffer with Stainlees Steel wares that will so call last forever but will take in all dents and stains
this songs explains well..
Alwarpetai Aaluda song - Vasool Raja MBBS - YouTube
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nachi naga
Guest
actually vishwa becomes bishwa in begali ike vrihaspathi becomes brihaspaTHI,vrindavan becomes brindavan...ammy shheshy bhojo hari manna
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nachi naga
Guest
polygamy is as natural as monogamy.but i root for monogamy its hygenic puts doctors out of biz
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nachi naga
Guest
upsetting whom?pathi pathni aur woh?children are innocent bystanders who will learn the lesson of life.
so,why do you express,if you really mean what you have written?
not at all ravi.why would i mistake you.by writing that "mistake" you only expose your mind,imho.
i usually get what i want in my life.at least thats how it has been in past and present.dunno about future,but with jyotisham vidya,the grace of lord is there
kids can be shown the way, after adulthood one shud not micromanage their life.parents sacrifice for the happiness of kids,maybe kids will be happier even now.i dont have a crystal ball to know it,but am confident we raised our kids well with values.each one has a karma to work out,i guess i am working mine as well.
the only constant factor is "change" in life.i love my wife soon to be ex-wife even now.in 365 days/year only 4 days is going to remain in memory and alter relationships,someone needs help for sure.i sought help and by gods grace i am getting it too.maybe i will have another lady in my life and maybe i will be happy ever after.there are endless possibilities or i may remain a bachelor forever
once bitten twice shy
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nachi naga
Guest
ravi,when i read the palm of my wife she had divorce lines despite that knowledge i married lived 20 years together.maybe husband-wife relationship is over but memories dont die like people do unless i have memory lapses or alzheimers.
OP
OP
Changes do not come by for some who are married to monotany:eyebrows:.Married or not everybody is an individual and everybody does accept life as it comes. In our system of life, separation comes at the time of Sanyasa. Of course, the couple can take sanyasa together. But the famales are prone to be emotionally attached to the world and its beings except in some rare cases, their husband!
renuka
Well-known member
Its a misconception that females are more prone to be emotionally attached to the world.
Females are built emotionally stronger than males.
We never see a female version of Devadas who turns to the bottle and makes a mess of their life like males who cant handle break ups too well.
Female somehow pull through.A widowed female can bring up kids single handedly but a widower male find its hard to handle even live alone unless he gets remarried.
Do you really think females are more emotionally attached?Females might cry more easily than males but when the time comes to be strong they can have tensile strength harder than a diamond.
How can we forget the story where Sage Yajnavalkya will be walking with his wife Maitreyi in the forest and the the forest floor along the path had gems on it.Sage Yajnavalkya was afraid that his wife being a woman might be fascinated by gems and was covering each gem with earth so that she wont see it and Maitreyi finally asked him "Dear Noble one why do you still difference between gems and earth?"
Men feel women are the emotional ones but I can safely say most of the while the reverse is true.
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Similar to the “warning” in the first page of “Thuglak”, I want to give two warnings right in the beginning.
Warning no.1: I do not want to harp on an issue for nothing
Warning no.2: I am not against divorce, if it is inevitable
When one gets married, one has to be optimistic that the marriage would be good. One has to believe that the association would be life long. Then one can sing “Tere mere beech mein aisa koi bandan…..”
On the contrary, if one has to think that one would not be having one and only partner in life, then there is a disbelief right in the beginning and that creates a doubt in mind about the success of the marriage. If the marriage fails for any reason, then one would sing, “raahu mein tunse mulaakkath ho gayee. jisse darr te the vohi baath ho gayee..” (in the original song, “jisse” refers to “ishq” whereas in this situation it would refer to “judaa”)
Self fulfilling prophecy is powerful. So, let us be optimistic.
Warning no.1: I do not want to harp on an issue for nothing
Warning no.2: I am not against divorce, if it is inevitable
When one gets married, one has to be optimistic that the marriage would be good. One has to believe that the association would be life long. Then one can sing “Tere mere beech mein aisa koi bandan…..”
On the contrary, if one has to think that one would not be having one and only partner in life, then there is a disbelief right in the beginning and that creates a doubt in mind about the success of the marriage. If the marriage fails for any reason, then one would sing, “raahu mein tunse mulaakkath ho gayee. jisse darr te the vohi baath ho gayee..” (in the original song, “jisse” refers to “ishq” whereas in this situation it would refer to “judaa”)
Self fulfilling prophecy is powerful. So, let us be optimistic.
C RAVI
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Shri Haridasa Siva,
You were spot on in referening to the situations and conclusions of marriage partnership with the perfect songs of the movies..Your post allways gives a pleasure read to me.
Your above post is really worth for eligible singles and married couples. I liked it..
renuka
Well-known member
We humans keep shedding cells daily and we have daily renewal of cells too.So change is nothing new.
Just to add: When we go to sleep every night none of us can be really confident we will wake up alive the next day.When life itself is so uncertain do we really think that anything else can be so certain????
Zindagi Ek Safar Hai Suhana...Yahan Kal Kya Ho Kisne Jaana.
Just to add: When we go to sleep every night none of us can be really confident we will wake up alive the next day.When life itself is so uncertain do we really think that anything else can be so certain????
Zindagi Ek Safar Hai Suhana...Yahan Kal Kya Ho Kisne Jaana.
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nachi naga
Guest
na matha na pitha na bandhu na pathni na puthri na puthra.sivohum sivohum
Neither do I understand what you are trying to convey nor am I sure whether your post is a counter to my post.
"Change is nothing new". Yes, true. But the question is whether "change for necessity" or "change for the sake of change". Cells have to change. Day has to change, Night has to change. It is all the order of nature.
To consider anything certain - to take things for granted - is naivity. But to be hopeful in life is not considering anything to be certain. It is a positive attitude.
To say, "Don't think there would only be one partner in your life" is a casual approach to the serious business of marriage. That attitude, in my opinion, is wrong. It should instead be, "You must hope that you you would have a life-long partner. Accept the other person. But if circumstances so warrant, be ready for tough decisions".
I do not go by who says a comment but rather by what is said. As Thirukkural goes, "Epporul yaar yaar vaaik ketpinum apporul meipporul kanbathu arivu". That is why I chose to express view opposite to Kunjuppu sir who is very popular in the forum, especially with women. Going by the trend in the forum, I am not surprised that except for Ravi (and perhaps nachi naga), no one appreciates my view. But then, I have no stakes.
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C RAVI
0
Wonderful post Shri Haridasa Siva!!!
I am glad to find all in your post, that was in my mind...I am glad that you took the interest and efforts to respond perfectly, explaining what the "order of change" is.
Shri Haridasa, don't lose hopes by the opinions of members in this portal. There is a whole population out of this portal in the physical world. I bet, there are many people outside, sharing similar views constructively and meaningfully.
Just share your views and don't get disappointed for it's rejection by others. There are many silent spectators too.
Please continue with your contributions and enjoy your stay here.
Dear Siva annaiah,
As Ravi said don't feel dejected or disheartened that not many clicked like for your post. It happens. As long as you are true to yourself and write what you feel is right, thats all that matters. Many times not many have liked my posts or I know exactly who will and who won't. That cannot be helped. many people may not find my views reasonable but who cares. So keep on posting!
About Kunjuppu mama being popular with the women. I can only speak for myself. He reminds me so much of my dad, had my dad the time, inclination and interest to post here he would probably write just like him. Kunjuppu mama for me like I said in another post is like family and I meant it.
initiailly i had personally no interest in replying to haridasa's comments in post 77 re my post # 58.
people can take my post in the most innocent of sense or prefer to understand selectively and hence diamtrically opposite of what i meant. without even asking me to explain, which i think is what haridasa did.
he took one sentence in my whole post, out of context, and preferred to believe something which i had not even thought of or even had entered in my radar. but i let him believe in it, because, i have found, certain folks have a mindset which is different to what i believe, and no matter what i say or explain, is going to give them succour.
but for the sake of renu and amala, let me explain what i meant.
my note was to ravi, and it was a spontaneous reaction, to his sister's situation. i have seen a few women relatives in similar situation, one with the teeth broken and sent home, 2 months after marriage. the parent did not believe in divorce, and kept her at home till today, when she is with her widowed sister in law (brother's wife) pushing 80.
again, i qualified with ravi, as to what i would do, if i were in his position, and my stand, comes out of 61 years of life, and numerous experiences, and a lot more 20/20 hindsight.
another example i brought out, was another relative, abusive marriage, widowed early, but so put off with men, that after 15 years she prefers to be single for life - just to enjoy her freedom.
these two above women have had an option, i think, to seek another man and companion for the first lady, has lived for 50 years, first with her parents, then with her brother, and then with the brother's wife. she could have had a life of her own - a job, a divorce, another wedding, chldren et al. a waste of a life.
the second case, the lady is having a fulfilling life now, and a brand name at that. but close relatives, we love her enough, to let her give some focus to her future, when the current near and dear, are gone to meet their creator, or gone to live near THEIR children. i believe, as we age, we need to be atleast nearby our children, and that is my own personal feeling. based on an average lifespan of 80 years for a middle class lady, the second lady has 45 years of single life.
then there are divorces. we have a member here who has confessed to being currently divorcing his spouse of 20 years. assuming he is in his 40s, he has another 25 to 30 years of living ahead. my heart went out to him, because i believe, a breakup of marriage, is among the saddest events in life that we go through - for i believe barring maybe a few, most of us, come into marriage, with hopes, dreams and above all a fanaticism to succeed. yet when it fails, people, raise themselves from the ring, and after a time, the wounds heal and one is again ready to meet the challenge of life.
i have always termed divorce as a 'living death'. the partner is gone out of your life, but not out of this earth. he/she is living out somewhere, breathing the air, partaking of food, enjoying laughs and crying with sorrows - all these activities, where you were a part and parcel of it, and now no more. it hurts than most people can express, and when someone flippantly terms my post as an incite to lewdness, i can only believe that he prefers to believe the worst and i let him be. it is not my nature to preach or correct people. i do not have that level of intellect or qualification.
our own KRS has described his love for his first wife, his widowerhood, and his subsequent marriage to a lady with children of her own.
ofcourse, some can believe that the above is a promotion of promiscuity, but i am hoping that the public has a little more sense than what is percieved here by some as my exhortion to faithless bed hopping. such thoughts and intentions were not even in my radar and not even a distant star in the horizon.
hope this explains.
thank you amala, renu. God Bless.
people can take my post in the most innocent of sense or prefer to understand selectively and hence diamtrically opposite of what i meant. without even asking me to explain, which i think is what haridasa did.
he took one sentence in my whole post, out of context, and preferred to believe something which i had not even thought of or even had entered in my radar. but i let him believe in it, because, i have found, certain folks have a mindset which is different to what i believe, and no matter what i say or explain, is going to give them succour.
but for the sake of renu and amala, let me explain what i meant.
my note was to ravi, and it was a spontaneous reaction, to his sister's situation. i have seen a few women relatives in similar situation, one with the teeth broken and sent home, 2 months after marriage. the parent did not believe in divorce, and kept her at home till today, when she is with her widowed sister in law (brother's wife) pushing 80.
again, i qualified with ravi, as to what i would do, if i were in his position, and my stand, comes out of 61 years of life, and numerous experiences, and a lot more 20/20 hindsight.
another example i brought out, was another relative, abusive marriage, widowed early, but so put off with men, that after 15 years she prefers to be single for life - just to enjoy her freedom.
these two above women have had an option, i think, to seek another man and companion for the first lady, has lived for 50 years, first with her parents, then with her brother, and then with the brother's wife. she could have had a life of her own - a job, a divorce, another wedding, chldren et al. a waste of a life.
the second case, the lady is having a fulfilling life now, and a brand name at that. but close relatives, we love her enough, to let her give some focus to her future, when the current near and dear, are gone to meet their creator, or gone to live near THEIR children. i believe, as we age, we need to be atleast nearby our children, and that is my own personal feeling. based on an average lifespan of 80 years for a middle class lady, the second lady has 45 years of single life.
then there are divorces. we have a member here who has confessed to being currently divorcing his spouse of 20 years. assuming he is in his 40s, he has another 25 to 30 years of living ahead. my heart went out to him, because i believe, a breakup of marriage, is among the saddest events in life that we go through - for i believe barring maybe a few, most of us, come into marriage, with hopes, dreams and above all a fanaticism to succeed. yet when it fails, people, raise themselves from the ring, and after a time, the wounds heal and one is again ready to meet the challenge of life.
i have always termed divorce as a 'living death'. the partner is gone out of your life, but not out of this earth. he/she is living out somewhere, breathing the air, partaking of food, enjoying laughs and crying with sorrows - all these activities, where you were a part and parcel of it, and now no more. it hurts than most people can express, and when someone flippantly terms my post as an incite to lewdness, i can only believe that he prefers to believe the worst and i let him be. it is not my nature to preach or correct people. i do not have that level of intellect or qualification.
our own KRS has described his love for his first wife, his widowerhood, and his subsequent marriage to a lady with children of her own.
ofcourse, some can believe that the above is a promotion of promiscuity, but i am hoping that the public has a little more sense than what is percieved here by some as my exhortion to faithless bed hopping. such thoughts and intentions were not even in my radar and not even a distant star in the horizon.
hope this explains.
thank you amala, renu. God Bless.
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actually vishwa becomes bishwa in begali ike vrihaspathi becomes brihaspaTHI,vrindavan becomes brindavan...ammy shheshy bhojo hari manna
Are you sure you don't mean shri shri instead of shheshy lol
. By Manna Dey.
renuka
Well-known member
Dear Haridas,
I do appreciate your posts and respond to most of them.Just imagine all of us are a Carbon Copy of one another.It will be mutual admiration society and plain boring.
You know I unsubscribed from a very religous forum 2 days ago becos I found no growth for any "intelligent" conversation.
Here in TB forum..we have scope for lots of different types of debates and exchanging views which might be poles apart.
You posts are very relaxing to read and gives me a chance to give you my sincere and honest replies.
About Kunjuppu we all love him cos he comes across as practical and as Amala said his views do remind me of my fathers views also.
My father always hold marriage with high regard but at the same time he advises that we really dont know tomorrow so always never lose your own indentity cos at the end of the day we are only answerable to God and everything else in life will fall in place when we have faith in God.
My father is quite very much like Kunjuppu a total revolutionary types who feels all humans are equal male or female and marriage doesnt really need to change our individual make up but rather sharing our individual thoughts togather.
Keep on posting and dont feel that no one appreciates you..I do and how can you leave Sravna out? If he was online he would have clicked Like for all your post.
You know just to add..each time when I read your post.I tell myself ..OK Man!!
I just know C Ravi will say ..Wonderful post Shri Haridasa Siva!!!
You know each time I see that this song plays in my mind that C Ravi sings this in his heart to you in BROTHERLY LOVE!!!(Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You)
George Benson - Nothing's Gonna Change (Original) - YouTube
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renuka
Well-known member
na matha na pitha na bandhu na pathni na puthri na puthra.sivohum sivohum
न तातो न माता न बन्धुर्न दाता
ल पुत्रो न पुत्री न भूत्यो न भर्ता ।
न जाया न विद्या न वृत्तिर्ममैव
गतिस्त्वं गतिस्त्वं त्वमेका भवानि ॥१॥
Na taato, na maataa, na bandhur na daata,Na putro, na putri , na brutyo , na bharta,
Na jaayaa na vidhya, na vrutir mamaiva,
Gatistvam, Gatistvam Tvam ekaa Bhavani.
Neither the mother nor the father,
Neither the relation nor the friend,
Neither the son nor the daughter,
Neither the servant nor the husband,
Neither the wife nor the knowledge,
And neither my sole occupation,
Are my refuges that I can depend, Oh, Bhavani,
So you are my refuge and my only refuge, Bhavani.
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I completely agree with what you have quoted. and i have read other posts where few have differed and have given their opinions.
Unfortunately, with affluence ( economic power) and education ( knowledge is power) , the women of today think that they can survive without a man. or vice versa. The 'need' of needing one another in a relationship has changed. So if you value a relationship, the person with whom you live for a lifetime is implied. Today, the freedom, economic indulgence of both the husband and wife have changed the very institution of marriage. The materialisim has intruded our homes and thus has disintegrated the values of a good relation.
There was a time that a marriage used to happen between two families, with the influence of western culture and thoughts and so called 'good life', now it is more of marriage of individuals rather than families. Hence we find the disintegration of family values and more of nuclear families, the emotional support that one used to get from all members of the family is slowly vanishing.
What is the use of having such affluence ( money power) and education (knowledge) when we can't rekindle the values of having good relation between spouse and other members of the family. We are just becoming very selfish and mawkish by nature and we just cannot be role models to our kids or anyone else.
Why marry if all one wants independance? And at what cost?
renuka
Well-known member
Dear Neeyathi,
Nice post.You do have valid points especially the part where marriage used to be a family affair rather than an individual affair.
But again when we see all our ancient stories most marriages even the divine kind took place based on Love at the individual level and almost at first sight most of the while.
Parvati married Shiva anyhow cos She loved Him and He loved Her.Shiva didnt even have a "Family".I remember reading once before where Shiva jokes to Parvati lovingly that She is lucky she doesnt have any Mother In Law problems.
See I am not equating us humans with God but we can learn from the Divine Couple about true love and being their other halves as in Ardanaareshwara.
Love and understanding between husband and wife is utmost important without which even if the best set of Inlaws cant do much.
We cant generalize that all woman who have education and economic independence do NOT need a husband.We working woman contribute to the house too to lessen husband burden cos we care for him.
We no longer feel its the duty of the husband to provide everything to the household income and we working woman too provide our equal share to show our love for him.Becos its not fair that 100% economic responsibility should fall on a mans shoulders.
Humans are social creatures we need each other for survival and cant be an island.Its just that sometimes we like to be a bit practical and dont hold on too tight to this phenomenal world as long we do our duties right.
There is no harm doing our marital and parental duties correctly but at the same time reminding ourselves that at the the end of the day its;
Na taato, na maataa, na bandhur na daata,Na putro, na putri , na brutyo , na bharta,
Na jaayaa na vidhya, na vrutir mamaiva,
Gatistvam, Gatistvam Tvam ekaa Bhavani.
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C RAVI
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Thank you Ravi, Amala and Renu for your posts. Thanks for showing concern in me. But let me clarify that I do not expect anyone (leave alone every one) to be agreeing with me. I had quoted Kanaadasan's words in an earlier post: "En kuralukku ethiroli illaathu poyinum kural koduttu vittadil enakkory trupthi" (Meaning: "Even if there has been no echo for my voice I am still satisfied by lending my voice"). I stand by it. I am not hurt or dejected. I don't think that my post has been rejected. Even if it is so, I am not upset. As Ravi has rightly said, there is whole real world outside. I am not affected by anyone enjoying support of anyone in the forum. I am not naive to think that these dozen people here are a sample of entire human being. But again, thanks for showing interest in me.
Kunjuppu sir, You have/had the liberty to either clarify to my views or to ignore it or to oppose it. But your response had following words:
"people can take my post in the most innocent of sense or prefer to understand selectively and hence diamtrically opposite of what i meant. without even asking me to explain, which i think is what haridasa did. "
My first post did start with "I do not know what K sir had in mind". You were free to give clarification in stead of complaining as "without even asking me to explain". I did not "dramatise". Why should I?
You also wrote, "when someone flippantly terms my post as an incite to lewdness, i can only believe that he prefers to believe the worst and i let him be".
I only expressed another view of your words. The phrase I referred to in my first post was the opening comment of your post and it is not unfair to understand it as an opening remark to what you were writing to Ravi. And you believe I "flippantly term" your post?
You wrote:
"some can believe that the above is a promotion of promiscuity, but i am hoping that the public has a little more sense than what is percieved here by some as my exhortion to faithless bed hopping".
Yes. Fortunately, public has little more sense than what is perceived here by some. And you bring in the term "bed-hopping". What a cheap reference! So much so for a "gentleman"!!
I do not want to make this as an issue between you and me. I made it amply clear in my posts. But you have showed irritation, frustration, anger, ire, and what not against me. While I expressed my view of what was said by you, you chose to throw mud on me both directly and indirectly. I am not going to let this unwarranted attack affect me. My conclusion is "A gentleman stands exposed". I do not want to comment anymore. Neither do I care if you continue to use the language you have used.
Kunjuppu sir, You have/had the liberty to either clarify to my views or to ignore it or to oppose it. But your response had following words:
"people can take my post in the most innocent of sense or prefer to understand selectively and hence diamtrically opposite of what i meant. without even asking me to explain, which i think is what haridasa did. "
My first post did start with "I do not know what K sir had in mind". You were free to give clarification in stead of complaining as "without even asking me to explain". I did not "dramatise". Why should I?
You also wrote, "when someone flippantly terms my post as an incite to lewdness, i can only believe that he prefers to believe the worst and i let him be".
I only expressed another view of your words. The phrase I referred to in my first post was the opening comment of your post and it is not unfair to understand it as an opening remark to what you were writing to Ravi. And you believe I "flippantly term" your post?
You wrote:
"some can believe that the above is a promotion of promiscuity, but i am hoping that the public has a little more sense than what is percieved here by some as my exhortion to faithless bed hopping".
Yes. Fortunately, public has little more sense than what is perceived here by some. And you bring in the term "bed-hopping". What a cheap reference! So much so for a "gentleman"!!
I do not want to make this as an issue between you and me. I made it amply clear in my posts. But you have showed irritation, frustration, anger, ire, and what not against me. While I expressed my view of what was said by you, you chose to throw mud on me both directly and indirectly. I am not going to let this unwarranted attack affect me. My conclusion is "A gentleman stands exposed". I do not want to comment anymore. Neither do I care if you continue to use the language you have used.
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a post script to my post # 92:
i believe what is good for the gander is also good for the goose. what rules we apply for our sons, should and must, be applied equally to our daughters.
in today's world, many of us have only daughters, and even those of us who have sons/daughters, treat our daughters as princesses. unlike two generations ago, today's girls are not only given the same opportunities as the boys, but also encouraged to compete against them for college admissions, careers jobs and what not.
eventually they marry, and heaven forbid, i have seen some of them marry against their parent's will and many have arranged marriages. in both those cases, there are a certain percentage of unhappy unions.
two strict orthodox tambram fathers i know, with regular punaskarams in the house, and steadfast attitudes re marriage, and equally religious upbringing for their children, had to face the fact that their daughters married muslims. one broke down in health, and took two years, before he accepted the union, the other changed overnight and started preaching universality of faith. people change, usually for the better, when faced with crisis of a loved one. atleast these days.
in my days, my good friend tambram, married a keralite christian. the father shunned him till he died and the mother would not let him attend the funeral. those are parents of 50 years ago. steadfast and unbroken. today's parents appear to become malleable when their children are concerned, and that is good.
i have also seen "tough minded strong willed 'i will not break my principle' and divorce is wrong" fathers melt down like butter in a hot pan at the sight of their daughters' tears. because what happens in a coupledom, is so complex, that even the parents cannot comprehend the causes of breakup.
finger wagging strictures to one's daughter, at the time of marriage, that this is the final purpose of life, is not going to get anyone anywhere, for who knows how life is going to unfold with all its mysteries and foibles. i think, it is always good, to leave a back door open, for extraordinary circumstances and that is all what i am trying to say. it is best not to preach, what one may backtrack, when faced with adversities affecting their own loved ones.
i am not wishing any of the parents of daughters here to witness unhappiness and breakup of their daughters wedded life. but let me tell you, if this happens, these guys will be the first guys to promote reformed attitudes and get your daughter the 'freedom' to fulfil herself, which the husband appear to be hindering. not for these, counselling or patching up a broken pot. so why waste time and effort, preaching something now, that these will throw away like a dirty rag, when confronted with a similar crisis in their own household. is it one rule for the public, and one for self?
again, on the other hand, the tolerance level, of our girls, for putting up with discords, are about 1/100 of their mothers, 1/1000 of their grand mothers. if i retrospect today, and imagine i am a young man married to mrs K just past 5 years, not sure, how long our own marriage would have lasted. considering the magnitude of ups and downs that we have had in 31 years.
we just grew up learning to put up with more, which the current generation refuses to do, and we in turn, did not put up with as much as our parents or grandparents did. this loosening up of our society has been gradual but steady in the direction of giving the woman more leeway.
that is the reality, due to the liberation of the women. there is no right or wrong in it. it is a smart thing, i think, to accept realities, for then we can manage it. otherwise, we are left out of the process, and all that remains is bitterness and sadness, which i wish folks here to avoid.
sympathy, empathy and understanding the underdog in any relationship, will come in a 20/20 hindsight. i think it takes a little more effort and humaneness, to toss irrelevant scriptured rules by the wayside, and look at the world of today, and quickly adorn the clothes that befit a gentleman or lady. but i am neither, and so i stand exposed.NP there
statistics wise, in the past 10 years of rapid changes, of all the marriages that i have attended, thank God, i am yet to witness a single break up. hence i am forced to dig back to family history to give examples of abuse, where divorce re-marriage made sense. for all practical purposes, as far as i can see, the youth of today appear to be putting off marriages till later in life, but holding on to it, when committed. i can only say for my family, but i think, it is a micrcosm of our community in its variety of economic and social strata.
thank you.
btw, there was no mudslinging or slander meant from me at haridasa, unless he prefers to look at my post that way. it was more, calling a spade a spade, unadorned and bare knuckled.
i believe what is good for the gander is also good for the goose. what rules we apply for our sons, should and must, be applied equally to our daughters.
in today's world, many of us have only daughters, and even those of us who have sons/daughters, treat our daughters as princesses. unlike two generations ago, today's girls are not only given the same opportunities as the boys, but also encouraged to compete against them for college admissions, careers jobs and what not.
eventually they marry, and heaven forbid, i have seen some of them marry against their parent's will and many have arranged marriages. in both those cases, there are a certain percentage of unhappy unions.
two strict orthodox tambram fathers i know, with regular punaskarams in the house, and steadfast attitudes re marriage, and equally religious upbringing for their children, had to face the fact that their daughters married muslims. one broke down in health, and took two years, before he accepted the union, the other changed overnight and started preaching universality of faith. people change, usually for the better, when faced with crisis of a loved one. atleast these days.
in my days, my good friend tambram, married a keralite christian. the father shunned him till he died and the mother would not let him attend the funeral. those are parents of 50 years ago. steadfast and unbroken. today's parents appear to become malleable when their children are concerned, and that is good.
i have also seen "tough minded strong willed 'i will not break my principle' and divorce is wrong" fathers melt down like butter in a hot pan at the sight of their daughters' tears. because what happens in a coupledom, is so complex, that even the parents cannot comprehend the causes of breakup.
finger wagging strictures to one's daughter, at the time of marriage, that this is the final purpose of life, is not going to get anyone anywhere, for who knows how life is going to unfold with all its mysteries and foibles. i think, it is always good, to leave a back door open, for extraordinary circumstances and that is all what i am trying to say. it is best not to preach, what one may backtrack, when faced with adversities affecting their own loved ones.
i am not wishing any of the parents of daughters here to witness unhappiness and breakup of their daughters wedded life. but let me tell you, if this happens, these guys will be the first guys to promote reformed attitudes and get your daughter the 'freedom' to fulfil herself, which the husband appear to be hindering. not for these, counselling or patching up a broken pot. so why waste time and effort, preaching something now, that these will throw away like a dirty rag, when confronted with a similar crisis in their own household. is it one rule for the public, and one for self?
again, on the other hand, the tolerance level, of our girls, for putting up with discords, are about 1/100 of their mothers, 1/1000 of their grand mothers. if i retrospect today, and imagine i am a young man married to mrs K just past 5 years, not sure, how long our own marriage would have lasted. considering the magnitude of ups and downs that we have had in 31 years.
we just grew up learning to put up with more, which the current generation refuses to do, and we in turn, did not put up with as much as our parents or grandparents did. this loosening up of our society has been gradual but steady in the direction of giving the woman more leeway.
that is the reality, due to the liberation of the women. there is no right or wrong in it. it is a smart thing, i think, to accept realities, for then we can manage it. otherwise, we are left out of the process, and all that remains is bitterness and sadness, which i wish folks here to avoid.
sympathy, empathy and understanding the underdog in any relationship, will come in a 20/20 hindsight. i think it takes a little more effort and humaneness, to toss irrelevant scriptured rules by the wayside, and look at the world of today, and quickly adorn the clothes that befit a gentleman or lady. but i am neither, and so i stand exposed.NP there
statistics wise, in the past 10 years of rapid changes, of all the marriages that i have attended, thank God, i am yet to witness a single break up. hence i am forced to dig back to family history to give examples of abuse, where divorce re-marriage made sense. for all practical purposes, as far as i can see, the youth of today appear to be putting off marriages till later in life, but holding on to it, when committed. i can only say for my family, but i think, it is a micrcosm of our community in its variety of economic and social strata.
thank you.
btw, there was no mudslinging or slander meant from me at haridasa, unless he prefers to look at my post that way. it was more, calling a spade a spade, unadorned and bare knuckled.
Last edited:
N
nachi naga
Guest
Are you sure you don't mean shri shri instead of shheshy lol
amala,you are good ...man what a nostalgic trip you gave me by mentioning manna dey.
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