Brahmin Marriages - Assertiveness/Aggressiveness of Girls - History and introspection

[sangom]

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Sangom,

My DIL has made a lot of adjustments. First she has left Chennai where her big joint family of tonnes of aunts, cousins stay. Very few have left Chennai. She was never allowed to go without an escort. Someone dropped her in college and picked her up from there. No friends other than the ones known to family allowed.

She is not used to eating in Chinese reataurants or for that matter in any restaurant. And going on vacations except for pilgrimage. No going out at all. Now she has no problem in going to Chinese/Punjabi restaurants. Though she did face the problem of getting Thayir satham, Dosa and Idli in these places, now she knows what to order where. Thanks to my wife's training. She is going out now. In fact she is doing all the shopping and has become very good at that.

About dresses we gave up in the beginning since she would not wear any modern dress. She wears modern dresses now, but stll keeps off Jeans.

The greatest sacrifice she has made is putting up with my son. A difficult person to stay with to say the least. He prefers to work from home. He is always sitting with the computer working. Otherwise he is all the time sitting in the Puja room doing Puja, japa, meditation, Pranayama, homa and what not. At all hours of the day. I do not know how many times he has his bath. Wears Puncha kaccham and the house is filled with Ghee and all Puja materials. Studying Sanskrit books on Hinduism, and talking Astrology, naturopathy and what not. He is very good in his job and the company that employs him knows that what they are paying him is only peanuts. He is not bothered.

My DIL not only accepts all these. She is extremely proud of his Puja and related things.

We write only not so good things about DILs.

My DIL whom I mentioned earlier was shocked that we were not staying with them. Even her parents were shocked. My DIL quoted Puranic stories about how sons who have neglected their parents go to hell. Argued for months. Finally she said that "You would come and stay with us when the children are born?". We left it at that and did not contradict her for her own peace of mind.

Now every day she makes at leaast three calls to my wife to find out about our well being. She is always trying to tempt us to come by telling us about old/new temples nearby and about music festivals and such things.

My younger DIL surprised us when she insisted that my son should send us money every month. She was saying "I earn a good salary. I was sending money every month to my parents. I will continue to do it. My father does not need the money. But it is my duty." She was upset when I told her that we do not expect our sons to send us money. My son had given up arguing with her and left it to us. Then she told my wife "Appa would not be giving you pocket money. We will send some money for your own personal use." My wife had to explain the in this house the entire money belongs to both of us.

Both my DILs are very cut up and sore about these points.

Modern girls have also some excellent principles which they try to uphold. The only problem is that we get to hear only about bad DILs and not the good ones.

SS,

I am very happy to know these details. Yours is a blessed family!

 

[sangom]

Raji Madam

Sometime இறைவன் வரம் becomes too much like in the case of Nalayini!! She got 5 instead of 1?
All of them were in a sense useless, as none could save her when she was disrobed in public, only another
invisible man saved her!!

Who is this new Nalayini?!

 

[Raji Ram]

........ Sometime இறைவன் வரம் becomes too much like in the case of Nalayini!! She got 5 instead of 1?
All of them were in a sense useless, as none could save her when she was disrobed in public, only another invisible man saved her!!

Dear P J Sir,

I think you mean Draupadhi. Right? :grouphug:

 

[Raji Ram]

........ ஆட்டுவித்தாள் ஆடுகிறோம்

That is the best attitude Sir! :yo:

Money is NOT everything! :nono:

 

[suraju06]

Case 3.

This boy did not have his father. He lost him quite early in life. He had come up the hard way in his life. I have a soft corner and I appreciate such people as My own father came up in life the hardest way. He (my father) had to distribute news papers and do odd jobs to earn so that he could himself finance his education. It must have been quite tough. So when after the priliminaries this boy told me (over phone) about his background I was eager to meet him. He was well employed, had a brother who was studying in one of the Ivy League insitutions in US, had a house where he lived with his mother. The horoscopes matched according to their astrologer. He came to our house on invitation with his mother and uncle. The mother was totally non-communicative. She was all the time staring at the ceiling. Did not speak a word. The boy was talking non-stop and I could understand his anxiety to impress me/us. But when we met alone I asked him point blank whether there was anything wrong with his mother. He sputtered and said yes. She was hysteric at times and had depression too. I felt very sad but I had to say a no because tending to a hysteric MIL at home was the last thing that I had in mind in a marriage. It was a task beyond me. I felt sympathy for the boy and hated telling him the No. But my father somehow conveyed the message politely. I wondered why people should not reveal such info in advance. I had another similar case where I had to say no. He was handsome like a Hindi cenema hero and was quite matured and well settled in a paying job. But had undergone a kidney transplant operation. They revealed this only when they came to our house. I do not know why people should hold back such info till the last minute and go through the painful experience. And my search continued.

I have come across some questions raised by members in the forum on whatever I have posted so far.

1. “The reasons for which I have rejected the proposals are all silly” says one member. They may be silly to others but not to me. A ‘storm in a tea cup’ is a full blown gale for one who is inside the tea cup. Am I, a girl who understands life well, who has also seen life for more than 20 years, not entitled to wish for all that I have listed? May be in an earlier era women when they were girls ready for marriage did not express them clearly the way I have expressed. But to deny that they had no such wishes is very unfair and it will be wholesale misjudgment of the gender itself. When some one sings and dances to the lyric chinna chinna asai chirakadikkum asai we all applaud but when we come across a real life case we say this is silly.

2. I am not asking for the moon. If you read the list you will find them all to be reasonable expectations. If the boy had elder siblings who remained unmarried, it might create a whole lot of adjustment problems for me and that is why I had included that as an expectation. I did not want people around me with simmering hostility right from day one as that would have made my task of integration with that family that much more difficult and impossible. If there was a solid humanitarian reason for non marriage we were willing to drop that condition.

3. I was fully aware that time was the essence. I wanted to get married at the earliest opportunity because I wanted to have kids and bring them up well. I needed some lead time for all that after the marriage. The time lost in fixing up the marriage was time lost permanently and would delay my plans. When our family decided to look for a suitable match we were prepared for a maximum period of 2 years search. We were confident that we would be able to fix the marriage by that time.

4. It is not as if we were rigid about the expectations. I had only listed them for convenience. We were prepared to relax them to the next lower level if there was sufficient reason to do that.

5. I have learnt from experience in life that education polishes a person's personality and his mind gets broadened. This is the reason why I looked for a PG or better qualified match.

With these words I intend to proceed further with my story.

 

[Jaykay767]

Case 3.

This boy did not have his father. He lost him quite early in life. He had come up the hard way in his life. I have a soft corner and I appreciate such people as My own father came up in life the hardest way. He (my father) had to distribute news papers and do odd jobs to earn so that he could himself finance his education. It must have been quite tough. So when after the priliminaries this boy told me (over phone) about his background I was eager to meet him. He was well employed, had a brother who was studying in one of the Ivy League insitutions in US, had a house where he lived with his mother. The horoscopes matched according to their astrologer. He came to our house on invitation with his mother and uncle. The mother was totally non-communicative. She was all the time staring at the ceiling. Did not speak a word. The boy was talking non-stop and I could understand his anxiety to impress me/us. But when we met alone I asked him point blank whether there was anything wrong with his mother. He sputtered and said yes. She was hysteric at times and had depression too. I felt very sad but I had to say a no because tending to a hysteric MIL at home was the last thing that I had in mind in a marriage. It was a task beyond me. I felt sympathy for the boy and hated telling him the No. But my father somehow conveyed the message politely. I wondered why people should not reveal such info in advance. I had another similar case where I had to say no. He was handsome like a Hindi cenema hero and was quite matured and well settled in a paying job. But had undergone a kidney transplant operation. They revealed this only when they came to our house. I do not know why people should hold back such info till the last minute and go through the painful experience. And my search continued.

I have come across some questions raised by members in the forum on whatever I have posted so far.

1. “The reasons for which I have rejected the proposals are all silly” says one member. They may be silly to others but not to me. A ‘storm in a tea cup’ is a full blown gale for one who is inside the tea cup. Am I, a girl who understands life well, who has also seen life for more than 20 years, not entitled to wish for all that I have listed? May be in an earlier era women when they were girls ready for marriage did not express them clearly the way I have expressed. But to deny that they had no such wishes is very unfair and it will be wholesale misjudgment of the gender itself. When some one sings and dances to the lyric chinna chinna asai chirakadikkum asai we all applaud but when we come across a real life case we say this is silly.

2. I am not asking for the moon. If you read the list you will find them all to be reasonable expectations. If the boy had elder siblings who remained unmarried, it might create a whole lot of adjustment problems for me and that is why I had included that as an expectation. I did not want people around me with simmering hostility right from day one as that would have made my task of integration with that family that much more difficult and impossible. If there was a solid humanitarian reason for non marriage we were willing to drop that condition.

3. I was fully aware that time was the essence. I wanted to get married at the earliest opportunity because I wanted to have kids and bring them up well. I needed some lead time for all that after the marriage. The time lost in fixing up the marriage was time lost permanently and would delay my plans. When our family decided to look for a suitable match we were prepared for a maximum period of 2 years search. We were confident that we would be able to fix the marriage by that time.

4. It is not as if we were rigid about the expectations. I had only listed them for convenience. We were prepared to relax them to the next lower level if there was sufficient reason to do that.

5. I have learnt from experience in life that education polishes a person's personality and his mind gets broadened. This is the reason why I looked for a PG or better qualified match.

With these words I intend to proceed further with my story.

Most of your reasons are silly. what issues will come up if you marry someone whose elder siblings are not married. In your entire list, you have not mentioned that you want to marry a good boy with good value system. rest are symantics.

if you dont compromise or unwilling to compromise (to me all these are really silly issues but for you these are compromises - LOL !!), life will make you compromise when you reach 35 yrs & still unmarried. then you will be willing to marry not only the boy with hysterical mother, you will marry even if the boy himself is hysterical or mad or nut case !!!

I am sure you will come back saying this will not happen to me, but many before said the same thing & are now staring down the barrel !!. Just to any matrimony site & look for gils beyond 30 to 35 yrs desperately searching for someone, anyone or anything to get married - LOL !!


The most intelligent people are those who know - when NOT to use the intelligence !!. In cases of marriage, follow the ancient wisdom coming down the ages. Nothing will replace experiece in such cases !!

LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Jaykay767]

By the way, when you reach 30+ yrs & still unmarried, most of the reasons you have mentioned will appear very very silly !!!!

 

[Jaykay767]

Even the reason that his mother is hysterical & hence will not marry the boy is silly & very big mistake !!. The boy should be admired for sticking by his mother come what may. It speaks volumes about his good value system, you will be better off marrying him than some show offs !!

Actions always speak louder than those who talk sweet !!!. you are clearly choosing form over substance & sorry to say, will end up regretting in the end.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

I have added a poll. Please Vote.

 

[C RAVI]

Most of your reasons are silly. what issues will come up if you marry someone whose elder siblings are not married. In your entire list, you have not mentioned that you want to marry a good boy with good value system. rest are symantics.

if you dont compromise or unwilling to compromise (to me all these are really silly issues but for you these are compromises - LOL !!), life will make you compromise when you reach 35 yrs & still unmarried. then you will be willing to marry not only the boy with hysterical mother, you will marry even if the boy himself is hysterical or mad or nut case !!!

I am sure you will come back saying this will not happen to me, but many before said the same thing & are now staring down the barrel !!. Just to any matrimony site & look for gils beyond 30 to 35 yrs desperately searching for someone, anyone or anything to get married - LOL !!


The most intelligent people are those who know - when NOT to use the intelligence !!. In cases of marriage, follow the ancient wisdom coming down the ages. Nothing will replace experiece in such cases !!

LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, when you reach 30+ yrs & still unmarried, most of the reasons you have mentioned will appear very very silly !!!!

Even the reason that his mother is hysterical & hence will not marry the boy is silly & very big mistake !!. The boy should be admired for sticking by his mother come what may. It speaks volumes about his good value system, you will be better off marrying him than some show offs !!

Actions always speak louder than those who talk sweet !!!. you are clearly choosing form over substance & sorry to say, will end up regretting in the end.

:thumb:

 

[C RAVI]

I have added a poll. Please Vote.

Dear Sir, I have voted!! And, got to know after voting that, I have voted with the majority.

 

[kunjuppu]

re suraju case #3:

i think the girl is right to stay away from hysterics and depression. i have 3 stories of my own experiences

one of my nieces, a doctor in the usa, through family in india, married a phd guy from usa. i attended the marriage. throughout she was chatty and bubbly, whereas he was quiet and one would have thought sad. two months later, she separated and eventually divorced him. the boy's parents who were friends of the family withheld this situation, and it was a shock on the first night for her see her new hubby taking mind control pills.

the only response from the boy's side, was that the girl was in a rush, and she should have waited a few years. fat chance i think. here you marry a guy under wrong perspectives, and expect forgiveness and patience. the niece, now married again, when i approached about this, she felt that she was not comfortable having babies with folks who had depression in their genes. it can be passed on and she wasnt willing for that.

i had a cousin whose husband's brother was a depressant. he used to get violent when he failed to take the medicine. one of the scariest times, was when the cousin, in a fit of rage, grabbed her 8 month old baby and threatened to bash its brains against the wall. since we were living nearby, mom rushed to the appeal, slowly pacified the guy and retrieved the baby. whew!

i have another relative, whose mother jumped into a well out of depression. she is constantly under drugs for over 40 years. now her son when he was mid forties got it. for months he would not come out of his room.

we feel sorry for such folks, our hearts may go out to them. but, when it comes to marriage, if we knowingly take the chance it is one thing. it is a different matter, to find out about this after marriage.

girl, so far in your 3 choices, i am with you. it is your life, and no matter what others say, when it comes to trouble or happiness, you are the one who is going to go through it. yours is going to be an arranged marriage. your parameters for choosing are correct under today's circumstances.

good hunting, best of luck and God Bless.

 

[tks]

Case 3.

This boy did not have his father. He lost him quite early in life. He had come up the hard way in his life. I have a soft corner and I appreciate such people as My own father came up in life the hardest way. He (my father) had to distribute news papers and do odd jobs to earn so that he could himself finance his education. It must have been quite tough. So when after the priliminaries this boy told me (over phone) about his background I was eager to meet him. He was well employed, had a brother who was studying in one of the Ivy League insitutions in US, had a house where he lived with his mother. The horoscopes matched according to their astrologer. He came to our house on invitation with his mother and uncle. The mother was totally non-communicative. She was all the time staring at the ceiling. Did not speak a word. The boy was talking non-stop and I could understand his anxiety to impress me/us. But when we met alone I asked him point blank whether there was anything wrong with his mother. He sputtered and said yes. She was hysteric at times and had depression too. I felt very sad but I had to say a no because tending to a hysteric MIL at home was the last thing that I had in mind in a marriage. It was a task beyond me. I felt sympathy for the boy and hated telling him the No. But my father somehow conveyed the message politely. I wondered why people should not reveal such info in advance. I had another similar case where I had to say no. He was handsome like a Hindi cenema hero and was quite matured and well settled in a paying job. But had undergone a kidney transplant operation. They revealed this only when they came to our house. I do not know why people should hold back such info till the last minute and go through the painful experience. And my search continued.

I have come across some questions raised by members in the forum on whatever I have posted so far.

1. “The reasons for which I have rejected the proposals are all silly” says one member. They may be silly to others but not to me. A ‘storm in a tea cup’ is a full blown gale for one who is inside the tea cup. Am I, a girl who understands life well, who has also seen life for more than 20 years, not entitled to wish for all that I have listed? May be in an earlier era women when they were girls ready for marriage did not express them clearly the way I have expressed. But to deny that they had no such wishes is very unfair and it will be wholesale misjudgment of the gender itself. When some one sings and dances to the lyric chinna chinna asai chirakadikkum asai we all applaud but when we come across a real life case we say this is silly.

2. I am not asking for the moon. If you read the list you will find them all to be reasonable expectations. If the boy had elder siblings who remained unmarried, it might create a whole lot of adjustment problems for me and that is why I had included that as an expectation. I did not want people around me with simmering hostility right from day one as that would have made my task of integration with that family that much more difficult and impossible. If there was a solid humanitarian reason for non marriage we were willing to drop that condition.

3. I was fully aware that time was the essence. I wanted to get married at the earliest opportunity because I wanted to have kids and bring them up well. I needed some lead time for all that after the marriage. The time lost in fixing up the marriage was time lost permanently and would delay my plans. When our family decided to look for a suitable match we were prepared for a maximum period of 2 years search. We were confident that we would be able to fix the marriage by that time.

4. It is not as if we were rigid about the expectations. I had only listed them for convenience. We were prepared to relax them to the next lower level if there was sufficient reason to do that.

5. I have learnt from experience in life that education polishes a person's personality and his mind gets broadened. This is the reason why I looked for a PG or better qualified match.

With these words I intend to proceed further with my story.

Sri Raju and 'the Girl' in the story

This is a very interesting way to portray real world dilemmas.

To The Girl!

One of the list you may want to generate and even share are not just what you want but what you dont want explicitly.

That way a prior checks could be made before a date.

For example will it be acceptable if:

- Boy had a girl friend before but not in relationship now.
- Boy had a form of curable cancer - he is fully cured and from the best knowledge it is not hereditary but cause unknown.

- Boy may have had a spending problem resulting in personal bankruptcy (I am saying from example Indian fellows in USA) but since then has recovered and is now supposedly careful

- Boy has few too many traffic tickets showing carelessness but getting better

- Boy used to belong to Hare Krishna movement - left home, then came back and now has a good job

- Boy has a problem watching porn secretly but once married he will be fine is the expectation

- Boy has a stressful job - 9 am to 9 pm

- Boy is a intervention cardiologist - his life revolves around patient calls.. So at night he may have to leave ..expects you to run the household and manages the children

- Boy wants to have 4 or 5 children since he loves children

- Boy is sincere, good looking, has a great job, well educated - but when he opens his mouth talks like an Asadu - voice tone, mannerism.

- Boy is too introverted but otherwise fine from all that is known through background checks

- Boy says he believes in UFO in the first date but otherwise fine

You get the idea .. Will you consider cases like this seriously or reject them. Which ones will you reject and why

All the best with your search

 

[Jaykay767]

To the girl & the generation she represents.

Sorry I am going to be blunt here.

Lets get some things straigtht. Boys & girls in this generation think that if they are smart enough & search for the most "uncomplicated family & boy/girl" to marry with, then they will walk into the sunset happily married for ever & they will have a great life !!! - LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, let me give you all a rude shock - there is no such family on earth !!!!!. if it was that easy, there would be no religion at all !!! if you marry the most uncomplicated boy/family now, in time that will turn into a nightmare. if you marry a "good boy with value system", he will support you at all times & you can face any issues with a smile !!

People are not willing to take care of old parents, old in-laws, but they are willing to run to some charity for donations. Life is hard, if your parents have a problem tomorrow, would you not expect your husband to help them ?. if so you should be willing to help his parents.

I know of one case where the girl after marraige, promptly put her in laws in a old age home & rode with her husband to sunset. They never had children due to the curse of their parents & now when they are old, it has come back to bite them, no kids to take care of them, all the relatives have shunned them - their only option is to go to a old age home !!

Pl be smart, follow good value system yourself, then you will look for boys / girls with good value system. if you look at your parents or their generation, you will find both the boy & the girl "working hard" to look after their parents / in-laws, & the kids. when you put that kind of hard work into a marraige, then you will also see the positive side of it !!. your kids will rally for you when you are old !!

Pl dont forget the "Karmic Cycle", it only takes a few decades to come back & bite you !!

 

[tbs]

I have added a poll. Please Vote.

hi sir
i voted....like.... u know me very well

 

[tbs]

hi
life is no pre conditions....like S V SEKHAR'S MANAL KAYIRU MOVIE..the conditions are look like nice....i heard as

live in relationships for ten years as gf/bf...but after 10 days of marriage...they applied for divorce....so LIFE IS NOT

A BED OF ROSES...IT HAS MANY THORNS....idealism always look good..but REALITY IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT...

 

[tks]

To the girl & the generation she represents.

Sorry I am going to be blunt here.

Lets get some things straigtht. Boys & girls in this generation think that if they are smart enough & search for the most "uncomplicated family & boy/girl" to marry with, then they will walk into the sunset happily married for ever & they will have a great life !!! - LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, let me give you all a rude shock - there is no such family on earth !!!!!. if it was that easy, there would be no religion at all !!! if you marry the most uncomplicated boy/family now, in time that will turn into a nightmare. if you marry a "good boy with value system", he will support you at all times & you can face any issues with a smile !!

People are not willing to take care of old parents, old in-laws, but they are willing to run to some charity for donations. Life is hard, if your parents have a problem tomorrow, would you not expect your husband to help them ?. if so you should be willing to help his parents.

I know of one case where the girl after marraige, promptly put her in laws in a old age home & rode with her husband to sunset. They never had children due to the curse of their parents & now when they are old, it has come back to bite them, no kids to take care of them, all the relatives have shunned them - their only option is to go to a old age home !!

Pl be smart, follow good value system yourself, then you will look for boys / girls with good value system. if you look at your parents or their generation, you will find both the boy & the girl "working hard" to look after their parents / in-laws, & the kids. when you put that kind of hard work into a marraige, then you will also see the positive side of it !!. your kids will rally for you when you are old !!

Pl dont forget the "Karmic Cycle", it only takes a few decades to come back & bite you !!

During the era when my parents and grand parents got married there was a 'Prasada Buddhi' after the elders made the decision based on whatever info they have..

We always are forced to operate with limited information on any decision so at some level the same 'Prasada Buddhi' is needed after a decision is made.

These days with affluence there is a possibility of too many options. Everyone want to make sure this 'key decision' of finding a mate for life is made correctly. In many parts of the world they may even live together to find the right person. With more options even after marriage many find that their search is not over.

But a person comes with their own baggage of their past, their family, the values with which they are raised etc.

Hindus and TB family have a tough time. All these 'dates' to check out the other person are only opportunities to reject. So in today's world there are no good solutions.

I do have a suggestion for the 'the girl'.

Please insist on a minimum of two dates/meets. If there is going to only one then there is likely to be stress. By making sure there is going to be a second meet the boy may be more open in the first meet. In the end 'Prasadha Buddhi' is needed

 

[sarang]

Marriage and job:

1. Some people are married to their jobs, sometimes to the advantage of both, husband and wife.
2. Some select a job after very careful evaluation of the company, its products, its service, its HR practices and its executives; from media, friends and those working.
3. Many find that the environment, the type of work and responsibilities they are entrusted with, vary a lot from their initial expectations.
4. Some grumble, trudge, become unhappy and express their frustration in various ways - indifference, aggression, poor performance and deliberate damage to the company they serve.
5. Some adjust, accept the environment, learn new skills, make slow and steady progress, earn the respect and goodwill of colleagues (family), bosses (elders) and lead a contended life.
6. Some change the people and environment (home, spouse) into better state, and are more than content and satisfied. They pull themselves and the group (spouse and family) to higher levels.
7. Some stick to one profession, one company, one employer for life and are not easily swayed to move elsewhere.

It is essential to take up a job after careful study and evaluation. And after joining, one has to adjust, work hard, accommodate and deliver to make it a success. So is marriage in the simplistic sense. But a marriage is much more than this. Husband and wife build a dharmic mini empire. So more accommodation, understanding and sacrifice are necessary.

 

[suraju06]

Dear Sankara Sarma,

Your post #70 for reference:

My DIL has made a lot of adjustments. First she has left Chennai where her big joint family of tonnes of aunts, cousins stay. Very few have left Chennai. She was never allowed to go without an escort. Someone dropped her in college and picked her up from there. No friends other than the ones known to family allowed.
She is not used to eating in Chinese reataurants or for that matter in any restaurant. And going on vacations except for pilgrimage. No going out at all. Now she has no problem in going to Chinese/Punjabi restaurants. Though she did face the problem of getting Thayir satham, Dosa and Idli in these places, now she knows what to order where. Thanks to my wife's training. She is going out now. In fact she is doing all the shopping and has become very good at that.
About dresses we gave up in the beginning since she would not wear any modern dress. She wears modern dresses now, but stll keeps off Jeans.
The greatest sacrifice she has made is putting up with my son. A difficult person to stay with to say the least. He prefers to work from home. He is always sitting with the computer working. Otherwise he is all the time sitting in the Puja room doing Puja, japa, meditation, Pranayama, homa and what not. At all hours of the day. I do not know how many times he has his bath. Wears Puncha kaccham and the house is filled with Ghee and all Puja materials. Studying Sanskrit books on Hinduism, and talking Astrology, naturopathy and what not. He is very good in his job and the company that employs him knows that what they are paying him is only peanuts. He is not bothered.

You have listed all the adjustments or sacrifices (your own word) that the girl who came into your family made. But what sacrifices did your family members make for helping that girl integrate with your family? The problem is that many tabras think that it has to be just one way traffic. I am questioning this attitude. Think about that girl for a moment. It might have been a life time dream for her to go to Kashmir valley, Ooty, Kodaikanal or Munnar with her husband and share life's very fine and pleasant moments with him alone. Or to go on a long drive to a small village surrounded by just lush green fields of paddy and chase butterflies along with her husband. Or to go to a distant temple town and visit the ancient temples there and pray there together to the deity. Or to go to a large mall and indulge in happy window shopping along with her husband without bothering about the budget for a moment. Did you try to find out whether she had any dreams? If you had done that you have not mentioned anything about it and that makes me sad. Does women not have a space of their own? Do they not have secret wishes/desires; expansive moods; the innocent child in them always wide eyed at the wonders of this world and finally should they not have the right to grow in their own time frame? Even if you forget for a moment all other women in this world, does this girl not deserve this because she is your DIL.After reading your posts and the appreciative replies to it, these thoughts came to my mind. I have expressed them. I don't know whether this is again a cry in the wilderness. I wish your son and DIL all the best in their life.

Cheers.

 

[suraju06]

Dear jaykay,

Most of [COLOR=#DA7911 !important]your reasons[/COLOR] are silly. what issues will come up if you marry someone whose elder siblings are not married. In your entire list, you have not mentioned that you want to marry a good boy with good value system. rest are symantics.

(1)The first sentence-you are very judgmental. I leave it at that.
(2)The second sentence-the girl has already replied.
(3)Saying "I want to marry a good boy" is like saying I want to marry a boy. A girl would want, by default(if I may use a term from IT vocabulary) to marry only a boy unless of course she is a lesbian. Similarly a girl with her qualifications would want to marry only a good boy and not a bad boy. It goes without saying.

if you dont compromise or unwilling to compromise (to me all these are really silly issues but for you these are compromises - LOL !!), life will make you compromise when you reach 35 yrs & still unmarried. then you will be willing to marry not only the boy with hysterical mother, you will marry even if the boy himself is hysterical or mad or nut case !!!

I am sorry I did not mention this earlier. The girl is already married and lives happily. So your prediction of dooms day did not occur at all. She got a boy of her choice and married. No hysterical maniac depressed MIL or nut hubby. You had for company many of her relatives who were cursing her for her forthright and frank expression of her expectations.

I am sure you will come back saying this will not happen to me, but many before said the same thing & are now staring [COLOR=#DA7911 !important]down the barrel[/COLOR] !!. Just to any matrimony site & look for gils beyond 30 to 35 yrs desperately searching for someone, anyone or anything to get married - LOL !!

I have only this to say "ah what a warped mind set!!!"

The most intelligent people are those who know - when NOT to use the intelligence !!. In cases of marriage, follow the ancient wisdom coming down the ages. Nothing will replace experiece in such cases !!

That was not ancient wisdom. Just your wisdom.

These are my own replies to you and not the girl's. If her reply is different I will post it here when she sends it to me (on the next holiday)

Cheers.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear Sankara Sarma,
Your post #70 for reference:
You have listed all the adjustments or sacrifices (your own word) that the girl who came into your family made. But what sacrifices did your family members make for helping that girl integrate with your family? The problem is that many tabras think that it has to be just one way traffic. I am questioning this attitude. Think about that girl for a moment. It might have been a life time dream for her to go to Kashmir valley, Ooty, Kodaikanal or Munnar with her husband and share life's very fine and pleasant moments with him alone. Or to go on a long drive to a small village surrounded by just lush green fields of paddy and chase butterflies along with her husband. Or to go to a distant temple town and visit the ancient temples there and pray there together to the deity. Or to go to a large mall and indulge in happy window shopping along with her husband without bothering about the budget for a moment. Did you try to find out whether she had any dreams? If you had done that you have not mentioned anything about it and that makes me sad. Does women not have a space of their own? Do they not have secret wishes/desires; expansive moods; the innocent child in them always wide eyed at the wonders of this world and finally should they not have the right to grow in their own time frame? Even if you forget for a moment all other women in this world, does this girl not deserve this because she is your DIL.After reading your posts and the appreciative replies to it, these thoughts came to my mind. I have expressed them. I don't know whether this is again a cry in the wilderness. I wish your son and DIL all the best in their life.
Cheers.

You have got it all wrong.

My son has travelled all over the world on his own. He went to Vienna just to listen to Philharmonic orchestra and other western classical performances. He loves music. Indian, Western, film music, Carnatic music and English songs. We are all like that.

He enjoys all good things in life. He is also a Black belt in Kung Fu.

My son was sent abroad frequently because of his ability to move and interact with Westerners. He could visit their families, go to pubs, eat their food and be like them. He has this ability. He was even able to persuade his landlady in Czech Republic to perform Homas in her kitchen.

We have gone hiking in the Himalayas as a family.

If she has all those dreams they will be fulfilled by my son. He would be very happy to.

They are staying alone, my son earns a very high salary by Indian standards and also likes to travel.

In fact we only wish that those were her dreams. Those are the things which we have done as a family.

We are sad that she does not appreciate these fine points of life. But then a girl from a large traditional Brahmin family of Mylapore who boast of their closeness to the Kanchi Acharyas is brought up differently. It is extremely difficult for her to give up these inhibitions.

My son and my wife are trying to make my DIL understand that there are more things in life than cooking, keeping the house clean and reciting slokas.

 

[sarang]

Difficult when both the husband and wife are sticklers to their own views and lifestyles. Both have to give in a bit, make compromises and sacrifices if the family 'ther' has to roll.

I think, one member in our forum did live away from the husband for valid and good reasons - job in a different city, children's education - and remain devoted.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

I was talking about my DILs.

But I have to face the fact that we are not exactly popular with them to say the least.

People in general like conformists.

The main reason is you can be reasonably sure how a conformist would behave/react in a given situation. With a non-Conformist you can never be sure.

We are die hard non-conformists. We do what we believe to be right. No compromise on that. No one in my family likes it.

My elder DIL is not happy because we do not stay with them.

The younger DIL is not happy because we do not accept the money which they want to send.

Now as days go by they are finding that we are not the normal parents who do things for the approval of the society (What is generally done). So our actions may generate anger and even statements like "Why can't you be normal like everyone else?"

Life is never a bed of roses.

 

[kunjuppu]

To the girl & the generation she represents.

I know of one case where the girl after marraige, promptly put her in laws in a old age home & rode with her husband to sunset. They never had children due to the curse of their parents & now when they are old, it has come back to bite them, no kids to take care of them, all the relatives have shunned them - their only option is to go to a old age home !!

!!

Hi jaykay,
\
It has been a while, since my pre teen years, that I have heard of successful saabams. Are you sure that it was the parents’ saabam that prevented the son from having a child? Did the parents did not suffer at the absence of a grand child? How sure are we, that had the son acceded to the parents’ desire to live with them, a grand child would have been fructified with 10 months?

If the son could not get a natural born child, he could have adopted one. Couldn’t he?

To me it looks like these folks did not want children (yes there are folks like that, though personally I think they are missing out a great experience of a lifetime ie parenthood). So all in, they probably cheerfully admitted themselves to the old age home themselves.

Now you are talking about 40 or 50 year intervals. I thought old age homes came to india only recently ie past 10 20 years? Please explain.

Thank you.

I am one for saabams to come true. But in my experience, sadly, none of my saabams have been realized. Apart from the puranic age, I have not heard of saabams really happening.

.. but it is a good story anyway

 

[kunjuppu]

I was talking about my DILs.

But I have to face the fact that we are not exactly popular with them to say the least.

People in general like conformists.

The main reason is you can be reasonably sure how a conformist would behave/react in a given situation. With a non-Conformist you can never be sure.

We are die hard non-conformists. We do what we believe to be right. No compromise on that. No one in my family likes it.

My elder DIL is not happy because we do not stay with them.

The younger DIL is not happy because we do not accept the money which they want to send.

Now as days go by they are finding that we are not the normal parents who do things for the approval of the society (What is generally done). So our actions may generate anger and even statements like "Why can't you be normal like everyone else?"

Life is never a bed of roses.

Dear SS,

I am with you. I think it is better for you to maintain your independence, and have outstanding invites from your dil.

No matter what is said, going to live with dil, in many ways, even if she goes out of her way to accommodate you, it is her house. It has been established such.

I am not sure, how much into orthodoxy she is. If she follows the traditional 3 day off-kitchen pooja room and such things, which though have no rationality, is still a Brahmin practice, increasingly shunned in most tambram households of today.

Don’t know whether she tolerates coffee. Or would get upset if you have a glass of beer or a cigarette. Deviance from one’s firm habits and faiths, and acceptance of the same, to be practiced in one’s household, demands a level of tolerance and accommodation. This, from the dil, who would not let the other dil go to a disco! This one sort of looks like a virago to me.

You may be better off, if you ever need to, go live with the 2nd dil, and offer to take money from the first. You would probably rile them up both, but atleast you would have peace