Brahmin Marriages - Assertiveness/Aggressiveness of Girls - History and introspection

[sangom]

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Smt. VR,

Today no tabra girl, with a good qualification and employability, even those who are born and brought up in rural/semi-urban Kerala, will settle down in Palghat or any District HQs or even TVM; they cherish a life in the metros and with a fair chance to go abroad, at least for long durations.

The boy being "pious" will be yet another minus point I feel. In actual practice he may be having somewhat conservative ideas.

 

[P.J.]

Madam

Whether the boy lives in Palghat or Florida, nowadays it makes no difference to Brahmin girls!!
Girls will not leave their present Job and move to another City; if they leave the present job, what is the guarantee that the girl will get a job in the place where boy works?
Palghat is not an easy place to get another job.

My cousin sister's son working in IT is facing the same problem
Even though he earns very good salary, no Nathanar, only son, his parents own a house in Adayar, near Bus stand, Chennai. In spite of all these boy's parents could not find a suitable alliance for him for the past 5 years!!

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.

She can do that if she is exceptionally qualified and
does not want to lose her knowledge and practice.

Women who want to enjoy freedom from mother-dom
but not from bore-dom can enjoy the nightlife they seek
more daringly without a nagging pest called the husband.

At first there will be no response from the girl's side.

If we follow up with repeated phone calls their first question will be,
"Will you son leave his job and try to get one in our city?
We have highly placed contacts here and can help him relocate"
irrespective of the city they live in.

So they want a maappillai who can be held under their thumb and/or
twirled round their little finger... a house husband in other words.

Even boys living in Chennai have difficulty in finding a bride
despite their salary being 70 or 80 K per month.

Separation becomes so easy when there are no children.
Small wonder they want to avoid children at all costs!

If their children will be anything like them in the future,
it is best that they are never born in the first place.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Smt. VR,

Today no tabra girl, with a good qualification and employability, even those who are born and brought up in rural/semi-urban Kerala, will settle down in Palghat or any District HQs or even TVM; they cherish a life in the metros and with a fair chance to go abroad, at least for long durations.

The boy being "pious" will be yet another minus point I feel. In actual practice he may be having somewhat conservative ideas.

Dear Sir,
The boy is pious and does japam after taking bath.
He is also karate kid and a regular visitor of gyms.
He is a talented photographer of some renown.
He is young, active, agile, good in miming and mimicry
and NOT the dull amma gondu a person may imagine when I say he is pious.
His circle of friends is amazing even to me.
Practically everyone is his friend in Palghat.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

That's the key . Had they been in Bangalore , Chennai then the success rate would be more .
In my family I had many seen many of my cousins daughter's flatly refuse to see any boys unless they are from Chennai , Bangalore .
I know of one Girl ( she is a family friend ) , whose Inlaws were from a Tier-2 City but had very good business , own house ,car , servants etc and after marriage the boy and girl were first in Chennai , then Dubai and Singapore ( he was working as a Management Counsultant ) and later after 5-7 years of marriage he decided to go back to his house in the Tier-2 city and take care of his father business and lead a more calm life but the Girl flatly refused saying she has no possibilities for career / night life/ socializing activities in a Tier-2 City except for watching the TV and cooking for him and her in laws and she decided to terminate the marriage . Now they are divorced after 7 years of marriage .They have no kids also as she refused to have kids as it interfered with her professional work .
Both the Boy and Girl are back to square one i.e single again .

But this square is certainly not
the same as the original square one.
Now they are both divorcees.
They may try for a second innings.
They may, if at all, get only
other second inning players.
That makes a lot of difference I think!

 

[P.J.]

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.

She can do that if she is exceptionally qualified and
does not want to lose her knowledge and practice.

Women who want to enjoy freedom from mother-dom
but not from bore-dom can enjoy the nightlife they seek
more daringly without a nagging pest called the husband.

At first there will be no response from the girl's side.

If we follow up with repeated phone calls their first question will be,
"Will you son leave his job and try to get one in our city?
We have highly placed contacts here and can help him relocate"
irrespective of the city they live in.

So they want a maappillai who can be held under their thumb and/or
twirled round their little finger... a house husband in other words.

Even boys living in Chennai have difficulty in finding a bride
despite their salary being 70 or 80 K per month.

Separation becomes so easy when there are no children.
Small wonder they want to avoid children at all costs!

If their children will be anything like them in the future,
it is best that they are never born in the first place.

VR Madam

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

It is not like that Madam, once a girl starts working , she does not want to waste her Talent

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.


Here again working from home is not that much interesting as there is no scope of moving around and learning.

She can do that if she is exceptionally qualified and
does not want to lose her knowledge and practice.

Yes , you are right! My daughter is a Doctor , did her MRCOG from Uk also, so in spite of my son in law is also a Doctor working, my daughter just can not sit at home and waste her knowledge after studying so hard to become a doctor.
Same is the case with IT professionals, they do MS in US, and they just can not sit idle at home.

 

[Raji Ram]

Boys who are pious are branded as 'madi sanji'. I wrote about one of the well qualified boys, who uploaded one of his photos with

vibhuthi on his forehead. The mothers of girls are asking how their daughter could 'adjust' with such a guy!!

 

[P.J.]

Boys who are pious are branded as 'madi sanji'. I wrote about one of the well qualified boys, who uploaded one of his photos with

vibhuthi on his forehead. The mothers of girls are asking how their daughter could 'adjust' with such a guy!!

Raji Madam

In those days we used to tell our sister that "Appa is going to see a KUDUMI Payyan for you" and she used to protest!!
Nowadays young talented Sasthrigal Boys, do not get married and even girls from Sasthrigal Family does not like boys with Kudumi.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

But everyone falls for a foreigner with a kudumi and A kadukkan!!! :whoo:

 

[suraju06]

A substantial part of the tabra community today lives in the metros. Go to any village agraharam you will find all houses closed except perhaps the house of the bhattachar or sivachar. These days even bhattachars stay in the nearby town and visit two or three temples for service. Brahmins have left behind all their lands and houses. So it is no wonder the girls and boys in palghat or Tirunelveli or Kumbakonam find it difficult to get a match. The available eligible bachelors may not be meeting the requirements like star, horoscope, education level, status, family background apart from habits etc.


A woman who is well educated and is well employed knows what is the value of the freedom that education and cash flows give. She may reasonably expect to retain that freedom and advantage even after marriage. What is wrong? Just because the husband earns a fat salary, has got a house, a car etc., should the wife not work or have a car of her own or a bank account of her own? The boys do not have any problem with all this and a working girl. It is only the older relatives on both sides who get worked up over such trivialities. If the girl can not get a transfer to the place of the boy she has every right to reject him and look for some one who agrees to get a transfer to her place of employment. In a contract you can not have all terms loaded in favour of just one party. A son in law who gets a transfer to the girl's place of employment is branded as a veettu mappillai and scorn is poured without any reason. If a girl can be a veettu maattuppen why not a mappillai be a veettu mappillai as long as individuals are respected?

Boys and girls having difficulty in getting a suitable match are not such innocent angels as is made out. They may be putting impossible conditions, their stars may be standing in the way of the alliance because of stupid conservative elders-we have a good number of them around. We keep hearing tamil couplets like பெண் மூலம் நிர்மூலம், ஆண்மூலம் அரசாளும்., ஆயில்யத்து மாமியார் அதிர் சந்தியிலே, பூராடத்து மாமியாருக்கு நூலாடாது etc., You will be surprised at the talent of our old women to spin out such rhyming couplets until you hear the young girl writing her couplets. One girl while writing a poetry in English about what she wants to be, listed several things and ended it with this: "I want to become the material with which God is made...yeah....but I am a woman". Does the irony and the tragedy hit you or not when you read this? The junk called astrology has only this use that it can create great poets out of simple and plain hearted girls.

A girl has every right that a boy has when it comes to marriage. Period.

Cheers.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

VR Madam

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

It is not like that Madam, once a girl starts working , she does not want to waste her Talent

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.


Here again working from home is not that much interesting as there is no scope of moving around and learning.

She can do that if she is exceptionally qualified and
does not want to lose her knowledge and practice.

Yes , you are right! My daughter is a Doctor , did her MRCOG from Uk also, so in spite of my son in law is also a Doctor working, my daughter just can not sit at home and waste her knowledge after studying so hard to become a doctor.
Same is the case with IT professionals, they do MS in US, and they just can not sit idle at home.

dear sir,

I agree with what you reg professional people
who can't sit at home and waste their talents.

But do all the brides fall in this category???

We keep clear of professionals since we know that
for them their profession is the first spouse!

 

[P.J.]

i request VR Madam or Raji Madam Write poems against these STIGMA ATTACHED TO THE STARS AYILYUM - MOOLAM - KETTAI - VISAKAM.

1. Ayilyum is bad for mother-in-law


2. Moolam is bad for Father-in-law


3. Kettai is bad for Elder Brother


4. Viasakam is bad for younger brother

Probably many more!!

 

[C RAVI]

That's the key . Had they been in Bangalore , Chennai then the success rate would be more .
In my family I had many seen many of my cousins daughter's flatly refuse to see any boys unless they are from Chennai , Bangalore .
I know of one Girl ( she is a family friend ) , whose Inlaws were from a Tier-2 City but had very good business , own house ,car , servants etc and after marriage the boy and girl were first in Chennai , then Dubai and Singapore ( he was working as a Management Counsultant ) and later after 5-7 years of marriage he decided to go back to his house in the Tier-2 city and take care of his father business and lead a more calm life but the Girl flatly refused saying she has no possibilities for career / night life/ socializing activities in a Tier-2 City except for watching the TV and cooking for him and her in laws and she decided to terminate the marriage . Now they are divorced after 7 years of marriage .They have no kids also as she refused to have kids as it interfered with her professional work .
Both the Boy and Girl are back to square one i.e single again .

What a stupid lady she is!!!

I know many will say "Bravo Lady!!!! You are the one who can set example to other revolutionary ladies who could know what her rights, freedom and perfect choices are!!!"

 

[C RAVI]

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.

She can do that if she is exceptionally qualified and
does not want to lose her knowledge and practice.

Women who want to enjoy freedom from mother-dom
but not from bore-dom can enjoy the nightlife they seek
more daringly without a nagging pest called the husband.

At first there will be no response from the girl's side.

If we follow up with repeated phone calls their first question will be,
"Will you son leave his job and try to get one in our city?
We have highly placed contacts here and can help him relocate"
irrespective of the city they live in.

So they want a maappillai who can be held under their thumb and/or
twirled round their little finger... a house husband in other words.

Even boys living in Chennai have difficulty in finding a bride
despite their salary being 70 or 80 K per month.

Separation becomes so easy when there are no children.
Small wonder they want to avoid children at all costs!

If their children will be anything like them in the future,
it is best that they are never born in the first place.

Drilling nail on head!!!

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Driving the nail home on the head is O.K.

but on whose head my dear boy???

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

What a stupid lady she is!!!

I know many will say "Bravo Lady!!!! You are the one who can set example to other revolutionary ladies who could know what her rights, freedom and perfect choices are!!!"

Without a license plate around her neck
and without a pest called her husband
the night-life-wolf-friends will dare to
destroy her eventually. Serves her right too!

 

[C RAVI]

Without a license plate around her neck
and without a pest called her husband
the night-life-wolf-friends will dare to
destroy her eventually. Serves her right too!

Probably the destruction started to happen before marriage, continued to happen out of marriage and would continue after the end of marriage.

Whether got destructed by others OR opted for, not believing in/considering anything called destruction is a crucial factor!!

 

[C RAVI]

Driving the nail home on the head is O.K.

but on whose head my dear boy???

On both boys and girls!!! :becky:

 

[suraju06]

Without a license plate around her neck
and without a pest called her husband
the night-life-wolf-friends will dare to
destroy her eventually. Serves her right too!

In some cases the license plate becomes a millstone round the girl's neck.
When the pest becomes a permanent head ache it is better to get rid of it.
A girl who knows her way (most of them know it) knows the difference between a wolf, a pest and a friend. If it comes to that , if and when a friend turns a wolf she knows how to use him and throw him out too.
Every girl deserves a better understanding and not a curse like this. An understanding that she is not a chattel, that she is not there exclusively to satisfy others, that she is entitled to her own mind, wishes, desires, dreams space and time.

Cheers.

 

[renuka]

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

Dear Sir,

The reason why anyone needs to work is:

1)To be able to independent when it comes to money and not depend on spouse cos we have no idea how the future will turn out.

In case of death of spouse..widows have a tough time bringing up children if they were not working to start with.

One of my son's classmate's father died in an accident last year.
The mother was not working and now she is facing some income problems cos she has been out of the job market so long too and is dependent on some brothers to help her out financially...she is lucky she has nice sisters in law who don't mind helping her.

2)To lessen the burden and stress of finance at home.
Helping out husband by contributing to house hold expenses.

3)Financial Freedom...I can only spend my own money..if anyone else gives me money..I am not able to spend it fully cos I will start feeling guilty that the person must have worked at the office for long hours to get this money and here I am spending it..with my own money..I don't get this guilt feeling.

So on special occasions when my husband gives me some money as a gift for shopping eg on my birthday..I will hardly spend 50% of it.
The balance I will put it into my son's saving account.

So in order for me to buy stuff for myself..it needs to be my own money.

 

[sun]

Agree. There is need to find what actually is desired. Desire in todays girls are obedience of all whims and fancies, no restrictions, fat purses etc. If same is not met then there is no marriage. Marriage has moved to a contract . Aggression etc are words to depict same. The need for aggression is to not to listen to one,s parents, brothers , sisters etc.

 

[P.J.]

Dear Sir,

The reason why anyone needs to work is:

1)To be able to independent when it comes to money and not depend on spouse cos we have no idea how the future will turn out.

In case of death of spouse..widows have a tough time bringing up children if they were not working to start with.

One of my son's classmate's father died in an accident last year.
The mother was not working and now she is facing some income problems cos she has been out of the job market so long too and is dependent on some brothers to help her out financially...she is lucky she has nice sisters in law who don't mind helping her.

2)To lessen the burden and stress of finance at home.
Helping out husband by contributing to house hold expenses.

3)Financial Freedom...I can only spend my own money..if anyone else gives me money..I am not able to spend it fully cos I will start feeling guilty that the person must have worked at the office for long hours to get this money and here I am spending it..with my own money..I don't get this guilt feeling.

So on special occasions when my husband gives me some money as a gift for shopping eg on my birthday..I will hardly spend 50% of it.
The balance I will put it into my son's saving account.

So in order for me to buy stuff for myself..it needs to be my own money.

Renukaji

You are mistaken

It was not my quote, i mentioned it in my post to reply VR madam

Please refer Post no 150

 

[renuka]

Renukaji

You are mistaken

It was not my quote, i mentioned it in my post to reply VR madam

Please refer Post no 150

Oops..

 

[sankara_sharmah]

There are people who are career oriented. Very ambitious. Till now this was restricted to Men. The wife suffered silently.

We hear so many stories where the man is married to his profession and career and the wife is neglected.

When I got married and we set up our home in Mumbai, I use to leave home by 6.30 in the morning and return home by 8.30 P/M. Even on Sunday I was at home only after 4.P.M.

I had warned my wife about this before marriage. Still it did not make her position easier.

Once when my child was admitted to hospital, my client/office staff came to the hospital to discuss some thing with me. My wife really lost her temper that day.

Even now she sometimes asks me "Where were you when the children needed you? When they were sick and when your help was needed?"

She is right. I was not there.

Women have faced this and many marriages have gone on the rocks because of this.

Now Women also have become ambitious and career minded. It is the turn of the husband now.

I know a case where the Girl left for some workshop or training the day after the marriage. This was not scheduled. So you can not blame her for the timing. She decided that the workshop/training was more important than the future of the marriage.

If this had happened to my son I would have ensured that he does not go for the training/workshop. But unfortunately the girl's father did not. It is he who told me about this incident when the marriage ended in a divorce. He said that the boy objected to her leaving on the day after marriage as he was jealous and not supportive.

I am not here to pass judgments. But if the Boy/Girl is very ambitious and have a real 24/7 job be prepared to be some sort of grass widow/widower.

You may have luxury, money , annual vacations, possessions, status etc. But quality time with your husband/wife? NO.

Note: I have written the above post because our society has always accepted Career husbands. But now we refuse to accept Career wives. This is not Fair.

This is a typical MCP attitude.

 

[kkumar29]

Hi all,

I am a silent reader of this forum, and some of the posts in this thread are very shocking. All the criticisms seem to be directed at the girls for having expectations of what they want in life. It seems hypocritical to me that the majority of the members are able to accept the fact that men/boys can have ambitions/goals etc in life and their wives should simply follow suit. However when the same thoughts are expressed by girls it becomes a big problem. It seems to me a case of "maamiyar udaithal mann kalam, maattupen udaithal vengalam"

When the boys looking for a suitable match understand that marriage is a partnership where both partners have ambitions/goals and both have to make adjustments, this perceived problem will go away. Other than Mr. Suraju06 in post 157 and Shankara_ Sarmah in post #166 no one has even touched this aspect of the problem.

In case any one is wondering, my marriage is an intercaste marriage and I have been married for more than 30 years. I am quite sure any marriage can be made successful if there is willingness to be flexible and be considerate of your partners wishes.

K. Kumar