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Divorce - situation

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prasad1

prasad1

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A friend of mine from India called and said that his son-in-law served divorce papers on his daughter. They live in a different state from me in USA. The boy is in H1 visa and had a good job. The girl is in H4-dependent status, and can not have a paying job in USA. They have been married 2 years. The girl says that she is totally blind sided. Both families are well to do in India. The girl's MIL visits her sons and passes snide remark on DIL in presence of her son and his friends. The MIL controls her son, and embrasses her DIL.

The court date is fixed in September for hearing, the boy has got a lawyer. The girl has no means of support, so we have volunteered to support financially till they make arrangement. We tried to contact the boy but he refuses to answer his cell phone. The girl's father tells me that they should settle it. He does not want to hire a lawyer here to appear on behalf of his daughter.

I have in USA for long time, have seen and talked with people going through divorce. In our community we support abuse spouse and children for a period.
My advice would be to hire a lawyer, and claim money from husband for the period of this process. The husband may throw her out of the apartment, clean out the joint account, the girl has no car, or bank account.

It is very difficult to explain it to my friend in India, that you need to establish a separate identity for the girl, and then accept mediation or separation.

What am I missing?
 
prasad1 said:
A friend of mine from India called and said that his son-in-law served divorce papers on his daughter. They live in a different state from me in USA. The boy is in H1 visa and had a good job. The girl is in H4-dependent status, and can not have a paying job in USA. They have been married 2 years. The girl says that she is totally blind sided. Both families are well to do in India. The girl's MIL visits her sons and passes snide remark on DIL in presence of her son and his friends. The MIL controls her son, and embrasses her DIL.

The court date is fixed in September for hearing, the boy has got a lawyer. The girl has no means of support, so we have volunteered to support financially till they make arrangement. We tried to contact the boy but he refuses to answer his cell phone. The girl's father tells me that they should settle it. He does not want to hire a lawyer here to appear on behalf of his daughter.

I have in USA for long time, have seen and talked with people going through divorce. In our community we support abuse spouse and children for a period.
My advice would be to hire a lawyer, and claim money from husband for the period of this process. The husband may throw her out of the apartment, clean out the joint account, the girl has no car, or bank account.

It is very difficult to explain it to my friend in India, that you need to establish a separate identity for the girl, and then accept mediation or separation.

What am I missing?
Click to expand...

To be frank...I have seen lots of my fellow classmates from India just wanting to marry a US Mappilai.

It is like a status symbol just to let others know that "my daughter is marrying a US Mapillai"

Being far away from home and 100% dependent on spouse what does anyone really expect these days?

I have a friend from India (Non Brahmin Christian Doctor) who accepted and arranged marriage proposal from a guy in Malaysia,

Ok this friend of mine was kind of desperate for a foreign mappilai even though she came from a rich family from India.

She was working here in Malaysia no doubt and after many years she realized that her husband was having a Commercial Sex Worker(CSW) as a Chinna Veedu and spent lots of money too on that CSW.

I am surprised that my friend did not walk out on her husband..the reason she gave is "people in India will talk bad of my family" and she is still staying with her cheating husband for society sake.

I have no idea as a doctor why she is willing to take such a risk since the Chinna Veedu is a CSW and risk for HIV will be so high.

When I was in India I did ask her.."when you are so rich in India and you can be King here why are you wanting to marry a person from a different country?"

She said "It is a family status symbol to have a foreign mappillai"

So I feel as long this mind set persists that "foreign is status symbol" girls have to face the risk and consequences.
 
Mr. Biswa,
Thanks I contacted an organization called "manavi.org" in NJ, they have to fing someone in RI to get some help.
Thanks.
 
I am sure they might have matched the horoscope and the astrologer should be punished!
 
renuka; She said "It is a family status symbol to have a foreign mappillai" So I feel as long this mind set persists that "foreign is status symbol" girls have to face the risk and consequences.[/QUOTE said:
You hit the nail on its head with these statements. Well said.
Click to expand...
 
Ramacchandran said:
I am sure they might have matched the horoscope and the astrologer should be punished!
Click to expand...
Do you think parents finalise the wedding after seeing 100% match of horoscopes, Sir?
I have seen matching percentage given to horoscopes and also first, second and third class matches!! :first: . . :second: . . :third:
 
prasad1 said:
A friend of mine from India called and said that his son-in-law served divorce papers on his daughter. They live in a different state from me in USA. The boy is in H1 visa and had a good job. The girl is in H4-dependent status, and can not have a paying job in USA. They have been married 2 years. The girl says that she is totally blind sided. Both families are well to do in India. The girl's MIL visits her sons and passes snide remark on DIL in presence of her son and his friends. The MIL controls her son, and embrasses her DIL.

The court date is fixed in September for hearing, the boy has got a lawyer. The girl has no means of support, so we have volunteered to support financially till they make arrangement. We tried to contact the boy but he refuses to answer his cell phone. The girl's father tells me that they should settle it. He does not want to hire a lawyer here to appear on behalf of his daughter.

I have in USA for long time, have seen and talked with people going through divorce. In our community we support abuse spouse and children for a period.
My advice would be to hire a lawyer, and claim money from husband for the period of this process. The husband may throw her out of the apartment, clean out the joint account, the girl has no car, or bank account.

It is very difficult to explain it to my friend in India, that you need to establish a separate identity for the girl, and then accept mediation or separation.

What am I missing?
Click to expand...

Hi,

I am not sure whether you have the "Pravasi Club" in US, which is popular and doing lot of assistance in the Middle East countries. Probably you can check that too as an option to assist the Girl in trouble.

Rgds,
G Raj Kumar
 
Raji Ram said:
Do you think parents finalise the wedding after seeing 100% match of horoscopes, Sir?
I have seen matching percentage given to horoscopes and also first, second and third class matches!! :first: . . :second: . . :third:
Click to expand...

Dear RR ji,

Matching horoscopes only take into the account for the present moment and the % of match points like Olympics Gold,Silver and Bronze medals but the future planetary effects are not taken into account.

I have seen cases of people who had perfect matches at time of marriage and after 10 years of marriage some problems crop up and then on checking horoscope it reveals that some unfavorable planetary positions are causing the discord.

So yet again..none of us know the future.
 

Dear Renu,

Divorces happen even with local mAppiLLais! The reason for increase in divorces is lack of love and increase of wants.

Grooms earning up to one lakh want their brides to earn at least half their salary so that her money could be paid towards

EMI of the grand palatial house they buy.


When a girl goes on dependent visa, she can not work there. A vishnavite boy had love at first sight, on seeing a pretty girl

in our extended family, who was working in an airlines. He found out her address, pleaded her parents to agree for their

wedding and married her within six months. Dependent visa was arranged by him and he took his pretty wife with pride!

They were not blessed with a baby for about two years and this girl could get only job with small income. Then, he started

to torture her for not earning much and not giving a baby! Now, they are divorced and the girl continues to work in the US

because she does not want to face her relatives.

The foreign mAppiLLais are also equally money minded like most of the local mAppiLLais! :popcorn:
 
renuka said:
.......... So yet again..none of us know the future.
Click to expand...
Dear Renu,

There are calculations to predict the future of the bride and groom, when they match the horoscopes. The only problem is that

most of the astrologers see only the ten 'poruththams' and give the % or grade! Astrology is a very vast science and not many

are experts! :tsk:
 
Whenever one side reject the offer they see many things
The money power and status of the groom/ bride groom
Their wealth
The economy
earning
The sambhandhi status (Should be more)
The girls are in upper hand to day, they wish to go for shopping in a Big car with tens of Credit cards, roam as they like. They put like to travel to Swiss, see mountains, wish to go to Kashmir and so on. Then they put they wish to offer social service to the slum and educate them!!!
And the age of the boy should be 2 years or preferably one year elder to her, Smoking doesn't mater, Drinking Doesn't mater, eating habits doesn't mater., friendly wit other women??? (They may welcome these too)

I hear in the temple Two aunties speaking "My grand daughter challenged that she will get a CA and ACS qualified boy just one year or two years elder to her and my son and daughter in law is searching for her groom., He should be 26, vvvvv gothra, don't bother about HC match., even we are ready to change gothra and request her uncle to do Kannighadhana.

When the girls expect like this will they win? Life is a life that can not be bought. We can buy many things but not our culture. The poor old lady proudly pronounce that her son would bring a boy of her choice. But if Fate challenges we are no where and in future the boy will scold the family of the girl and if anything goes wrong the girls side should put their head down.

Next the divorce which judge will give based on the fact that the girl's side cheated the groom by changing the gothra, which will be recorded and the future of the girl is in ruins. When everything goes out of hand, we curse ourselves.
 
prasad1 said:
A friend of mine from India called and said that his son-in-law served divorce papers on his daughter. They live in a different state from me in USA. The boy is in H1 visa and had a good job. The girl is in H4-dependent status, and can not have a paying job in USA. They have been married 2 years. The girl says that she is totally blind sided. Both families are well to do in India. The girl's MIL visits her sons and passes snide remark on DIL in presence of her son and his friends. The MIL controls her son, and embrasses her DIL.

The court date is fixed in September for hearing, the boy has got a lawyer. The girl has no means of support, so we have volunteered to support financially till they make arrangement. We tried to contact the boy but he refuses to answer his cell phone. The girl's father tells me that they should settle it. He does not want to hire a lawyer here to appear on behalf of his daughter.

I have in USA for long time, have seen and talked with people going through divorce. In our community we support abuse spouse and children for a period.
My advice would be to hire a lawyer, and claim money from husband for the period of this process. The husband may throw her out of the apartment, clean out the joint account, the girl has no car, or bank account.

It is very difficult to explain it to my friend in India, that you need to establish a separate identity for the girl, and then accept mediation or separation.

What am I missing?
Click to expand...

This girl needs all out support, if she is a hapless victim.

When someone is trapped inside a burning house, onlookers shouldn’t start analyzing whether the victim is responsible for the fire. Maybe the victim is responsible for the fire, but that should not prevent helpers from helping the victim out of the danger zone.Some clarity on the issue would however be helpful.

A friend of mine from India called and said thathis son-in-law served divorce papers on his daughter
Click to expand...
Do the divorce papers served try to explain the reason for seeking divorce?

The boy is in H1 visa and had a good job. Thegirl is in H4-dependent status, and can not have a paying job in USA.
Click to expand...
“had a good job” - the past sense has been used. Does it mean that he does not have a job now? Suppose, as they say, he is “between jobs”, and is under severe stress, looking for the next employer who would sponsor his H1visa. (I hope I am wrong), but could his stress be compounded by the wife goading (nagging) him to look for a job quickly, lest she be forced to go back to India, which would, in her view, represent a downgrading of the family ‘status’ aspects, such as "people in India will talk bad of myfamily" as Renuka described? I know personally of a situation where the wife verbally abused the husband frequently of incompetence when he was laid off for a few months, and he thought of committing suicide. Fortunately he got a job.

Thegirl's MIL visits her sons and passes snide remark on DIL in presence of herson and his friends. The MIL controls her son, and embrasses herDIL.
Click to expand...
What prevents the girl from responding in kind? Lack of self-confidence? If she is supposed to be from a well-to-do family, one would assume she is college-educated?

We tried to contact the boy but he refuses to answer his cell phone.
Click to expand...
Part of the efforts from the helping community needs to be directed towards hiring a detective to find out what this boy is upto. Maybe there is something about him that would help the girl in the divorce proceedings?

The girl's father tells me that they should settle it. He does not want to hire a lawyer here to appear on behalf of hisdaughter.
Click to expand...
Why does he not want to hire a lawyer? Cost? Or is he guilty of some cover-up, like falsifying the horoscope just toget a foreign SIL?
 
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Naina_Marbus said:
This girl needs all out support, if she is a hapless victim.

When someone is trapped inside a burning house, onlookers shouldn’t start analyzing whether the victim is responsible for the fire. Maybe the victim is responsible for the fire, but that should notprevent helpers from helping the victim out of the danger zone.Some clarity on the issue would however be helpful.

Do the divorce papers served try to explain the reason for seeking divorce?

“had a good job” - the past sense has been used. Does it mean that he does not have a job now? Suppose, as they say, he is “between jobs”, and is under severe stress, looking for the next employer who would sponsor his H1visa. (I hope I am wrong), but could his stress be compounded by the wife goading (nagging) him to look for a job quickly, lest she be forced to go back to India, which would, in her view, represent a downgrading of the family ‘status’ aspects, such as "people in India will talk bad of myfamily" as Renuka described? I know personally of a situation where the wife verbally abused the husband frequently of incompetence when he was laid off for a few months, and hethought of committing suicide.Fortunately he got a job.

What prevents the girlfrom responding in kind? Lack of self-confidence? If she is supposed to be from a well-to-do family, one would assume she is college-educated?

Part of the efforts from the helping community needs to be directed towards hiring a detective to find out what this boy is upto. Maybe there is something about him that would help the girl in the divorce proceedings?

Why does he not want to hire a lawyer? Cost? Or is he guilty of some cover-up, like falsifying the horoscope just toget a foreign SIL?
Click to expand...
Thanks for the constructive suggestions.

No the divorce papers did not list any reason.

Sorry, the boy is still working.

Traditional Indian Girl from a well to do Hindu family. Very young just 22 years old. Parents are highly respected people from Rajasthan. They do not want to create an issue, they think it should be settled amicably.

As far as I know, there is no community help yet. I have contacted some of the women's organization to get her some help. She has been in this country only 1 year.

I do not think so. My feeling is that he thinks by hiring a lawyer, you are accepting the failure of the marriage.
I have discussed divorce in this forum before, it is very difficult to explain to a conservative Indians that Divorce is fact of life. You have to deal with it, however unfortunate it may be. In my opinion when one party has hired a lawyer and served divorce papers, it is for real. The other party should also hire a good lawyer and be prepared for the court. You may pursue other options at the same time. There is no guarantee that mediation is going to work, and it will take the lawyer some time to prepare for the trial.

Financially we are prepared to help the girl. We have offered to host the girl here in my house, but distance is the problem.
The other thing I may suggest is to go for a no contest divorce (if the girl wants to return to India, and has no interest in his money). They did have a grand wedding (I am sure there must have been a hefty dowry).

My frustration is the cultural divide between Indian thinking and American Divorce.
I am telling them the boy must have thought for sometime, before resorting to serve these papers. The MIL left for India just last month.
 
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hi
now a days....plan divorce before wedding........sometimes divorces are unavoidable.....here problem is only with 2 individuals....

if kid is there...then think twice......money and education cannot give guarantee for happiness in marriage....more understandings/affection/

commitment/give and take/ forgive and forget gives more happy and meaningful life.....
 
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I fully agree with Raji Ram's views. It is true that boys both in India
and abroad get infatuated on seeing good looking girls. Gradually
they tend to become avaricious and by the time the infatuation peters out
they force the poor girls to earn more and to give a baby. This is the current
trend prevalent in brahmin community . That does not mean that the girls
are less ambitious and more submissive. In many cases the girls dictate
terms to the boys before marriage which are outrageous. In sum and substance
most of the boys and girls nowadays do not want conjugal bliss; they are more for wherewithal to lead a comfortable life.

PC RAMABADRAN
 
A marriage is a business transaction. Always has, always will be. Both parties have to bring something to the table to be able to negotiate successfully.
 

I think many couples lived together in earlier generations just because divorce was considered as a stigma!

Whether it was Madurai Atchi or Chidhambaram Atchi, people DID have more tolerance. :thumb:
 
biswa said:
A marriage is a business transaction. Always has, always will be. Both parties have to bring something to the table to be able to negotiate successfully.
Click to expand...
hi
it was business deal....like supply and demand theory....there is famous sloka abt marriage.....

kanyaa varayate roopam....mata vittam....pita srutham.....bandhavah kula micchanthi....misthannam ithare janaaha...

meanings....girl expect handsome Mr .Right.....mother wealth.....father fame.....relatives abt family back ground....others

nice feast....these are general in marriages in olden days....now purely supply and demand....new economic theory....
 
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