Divorce - situation

[Haridasa Siva]

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The foreign mAppiLLais are also equally money minded like most of the local mAppiLLais! opcorn:

This reminds me of the quote: "Everybody is of same religion when it comes to money"

 

[Haridasa Siva]

A marriage is a business transaction. Always has, always will be. Both parties have to bring something to the table to be able to negotiate successfully.

I am not sure whether this is indeed the situation. With my little experience, I am not able to appreciate it. But it does sound sad to me to say marriage is a business transaction - at least not for the marrying couples, I would imagine.

 

[renuka]

I am not sure whether this is indeed the situation. With my little experience, I am not able to appreciate it. But it does sound sad to me to say marriage is a business transaction - at least not for the marrying couples, I would imagine.

Our very existence itself is a Karmic Transaction..do we need to say more for marriage?

 

[Raji Ram]

'மனைவி அமைவதெல்லாம் இறைவன் கொடுத்த வரம்!', என்றார்களே!

என்றால்........ வரம் கொடுக்காமலே கணவன் அமைவான் என்று அர்த்தமா?

இல்லை, வரம் கொடுத்தாலும் கணவன் அமையமாட்டான் என்று அர்த்தமா?

இல்லை எந்தக் கணவன் வந்தாலும், நல்ல பெண் சமாளிப்பாள் என்று அர்த்தமா?

:decision: ???

 

[Ramacchandran]

The mind of a brahmin groom is that if he is capable of managing a woman will pull the family chariot. A brahmin boy, I mean a Brahmin and not talking about Vaisya Brahmin or Vanniya Brahmin.

 

[renuka]

The mind of a brahmin groom is that if he is capable of managing a woman will pull the family chariot. A brahmin boy, I mean a Brahmin and not talking about Vaisya Brahmin or Vanniya Brahmin.

What is a Vaishya and Vanniya Brahmin?

I am getting confused here.

 

[prasad1]

Dear Prasad,

Should the Indians also develop the 'Happily divorced' attitude?

I am no position to suggest an Indian attitude. In this case I wish parents of the girl accept the reality and prepare to fight or walk away. It is decision time, and they have to choose the path. The girl is too young and conflicted at this time. My suggestion would be to hire a lawyer and go for a no-contest divorce. Then the girl is free to go back to India.
It is too soon to be in happily divorce situation.

 

[manoharkumar]

Dear Mr.Prasad,

From the point of view of the girls father's he wants to amicably go for a settlement, and not fight the case. I tried to put myself in his place and think... The situation here in India is totally different visavis the marriage & divorce. Though the divorce rates are very high every body think it will not happen in their house!!( this is like, in Mahabaratha yudhistra answers a Yaksha's question , that though every body knows abt death and see that daily, still think they will live for ever")..

I have seen in many threads members commenting they do not know their neighbours, no relatives, friends, no frequent visits to any body place etc. Here the situation is different, every relation of yours is watching what happens in your family!! if you are rich and have married off your daughter with great pomp & show, nothing more is needed for the jealous ones.Those who feel happy abt ur misfortune outnumber the cared ones... This divorce will put the family to great shame and the stream of relatives with hung face coming & going, each one giving different advices etc etc.. & that is real torture. So i personally dont find any mistake in him asking for some other solution other than divorce..I really pity the gentlemen friend of yours.

 

[prasad1]

Dear Mr.Prasad,

From the point of view of the girls father's he wants to amicably go for a settlement, and not fight the case. I tried to put myself in his place and think... The situation here in India is totally different visavis the marriage & divorce. Though the divorce rates are very high every body think it will not happen in their house!!( this is like, in Mahabaratha yudhistra answers a Yaksha's question , that though every body knows abt death and see that daily, still think they will live for ever")..

I have seen in many threads members commenting they do not know their neighbours, no relatives, friends, no frequent visits to any body place etc. Here the situation is different, every relation of yours is watching what happens in your family!! if you are rich and have married off your daughter with great pomp & show, nothing more is needed for the jealous ones.Those who feel happy abt ur misfortune outnumber the cared ones... This divorce will put the family to great shame and the stream of relatives with hung face coming & going, each one giving different advices etc etc.. & that is real torture. So i personally dont find any mistake in him asking for some other solution other than divorce..I really pity the gentlemen friend of yours.

You have hit the nail on the head. The social pressure is forcing the father to act in a different way, than the best interest of the girl. Yes I sympathize with him, but I want him to accept the reality, and quickly.

 

[Ramacchandran]

Vaisya Brahmin is a Brahmin who is doing business in millions like TATA/ AMBANI
Vanniya Brahmin is Ruler the IAS/IPS/ Top officers in Government where they get easy money and where the bride can command like a queen.

What is a Vaishya and Vanniya Brahmin?

I am getting confused here.

 

[Ramacchandran]

Just now I met an astrologer who stays near the house of the bride along with the bride's horoscope and my son's horoscope who refereed the horoscope of a boy and a girl. He painfully pointed out that the horoscope he brought are very well coincide but he replies that the the horoscope doesn't match and putting the blame on him. "He is in touch with me for the last 10 months, but not satisfied with the profile of the boy. Now the girl whenever see me, blames me that I am not a good astrologer. Her mother too getting away from me. When I repeatedly told them that it is the male member of their family, who creates the scene doesn't believe me.All the curses of them both groom's side and bride's side follows me. Now I plan to give up this job!"

 

[C RAVI]

A marriage is a business transaction. Always has, always will be. Both parties have to bring something to the table to be able to negotiate successfully.

Mr.Biswa, in today's world, what to be considered worth to bring to the table to be able to negotiate successfully seem to be more challenging and probably confusing and shocking!!!

What may be found/considered as successful negotiation may turn out to be the most wrong, foolish and meaningless negotiation after marriage, sooner or later.

Talking big and making big promises and acceptances to make each other happy and close the deal successfully in order to get married, expecting great benefits in return from each other has turned many upside down.

Today many are the boys and girls who don't have inclination towards understanding other as a same human as self, understanding the attitude and characteristics of the other, understanding and accepting the life together in harmony etc..etc. They neither have the patience nor the tolerance to live together with what ever they could achieve and lose together. All they want is a perfect Trial Balance. "What have I gained from you and What have you gained from me as husband and wife?" at each and every stage of life together has become the norm.

When the trial balance turns out to be negative, there comes Divorce handy!!!! There can be many IFs and Buts, many accusations, many justifying demands/needs from the spouse from one's rational mind and so called true heart etc.etc that easily prompts them to opt for Divorce.

Ironically, many fail to realize as when Divorce is most warranted!!!

 

[jgd1965]

How is that girl now?Ask that girl to come India, and see the girls here.That guy CANNOT leave the girl like that.She should fight for her right.We don't want them to separate or divorce. In case it happens she must ask compensation.Ask the girl be strong and be possitive. Nobody can spoil her life.And always we says GOD IS THERE. Of course hes there.She should approch some lawyer there.

 

[renuka]

If a man does not want a marriage anymore why should a girl suffer and stay especially when they do not have kids.

Just give him a slap on his face and walk out.Take just what is legally due and walk off.
Do not take more than what is due cos that would form a Karmic Debt and you will have to see the SOB again in some other life.

It's high time people had some self respect and not try to hold on to something worthless and live in hell for the rest of their lives.

Tell the girl..kick that guy and come back and marry someone else.

 

[prasad1]

How is that girl now?Ask that girl to come India, and see the girls here.That guy CANNOT leave the girl like that.She should fight for her right.We don't want them to separate or divorce. In case it happens she must ask compensation.Ask the girl be strong and be possitive. Nobody can spoil her life.And always we says GOD IS THERE. Of course hes there.She should approch some lawyer there.

I agree with you.
The problems are finances.
It costs a minimum of $300.00/hour for a lawyer (win or loose). It will cost $1000.00/month for apartment. It will cost another $1000.00/month for incidentals. She is not earning, does not have a car. A 2nd hand car will cost $5000.00, and maintenance would be another $300/month. The community can not support her.
What does it achieve.
He has no assets, there is no child involved, he does not love the girl.
It is practical to walk away, and chalk it as a bad dream.

 

[prasad1]

If a man does not want a marriage anymore why should a girl suffer and stay especially when they do not have kids.

Just give him a slap on his face and walk out.Take just what is legally due and walk off.
Do not take more than what is due cos that would form a Karmic Debt and you will have to see the SOB again in some other life.

It's high time people had some self respect and not try to hold on to something worthless and live in hell for the rest of their lives.

Tell the girl..kick that guy and come back and marry someone else.

Yes.
That is exactly what I told the girl's father. He was not too happy about my idea, LOL

 

[C RAVI]

The world has changed a lot!!! Where many guys are not innocent so are many girls.


I do sympathize with innocent girls and innocent guys as well. We have to look into such issues without any gender bias. In marriage/spouse relationship issues, blaming husband alone by wife, some or other way is very easy and very easy is to get the sympathy and support of the others in the society, at the drop of a hat.


We can just assume that, this girl's well to do parents in India does not want to shame themselves in their social circle by having their daughter back home, divorcing her husband. But, can that be the Only Truth??!??


I have come across couple of such cases where such well to do parents have readily embraced their daughter, supported her fully for divorce and have made her settle with themselves. And hoped that she get remarried to some other good man of her liking.


One of my client (when I was working in Chennai) had the similar situation with his married daughter in America. All he said was - We are well to do. My daughter is educated and we can even make her study further after her divorce. I am rushing to America to settle the legal issues and going to get her back home. She can take up some studies, get herself relieved from the bitter experiences and then I would wish, she makes a careful and smart choice of her Man and get married again.

To look into this issue in a different perspective, I would be pondering on - Does the girl's father knows many truth about the issues between the couples and knows what would be the right way to deal with them? Does the girl's father knows very well as who his daughter is? Does the girl's father know how his daughter's life back in India after divorce would be and what would be it's negative implications?


The questions popping up in my mind is -

1) Can't the girl's father come down to America and do his constructive role in order to amicably settle the issues between the couples, so that they live together? At least can't make some efforts?

2) Can't the girl's father come down to America, be his daughter's side, giving her all moral support and assist her in completing the divorce process? And then, take her back home?


Is he really refraining from doing his most required duty towards his own daughter, during the most crucial situation ONLY to protect his image/pride in his circle and just due to his non acceptance towards a divorce situation?

OR

He wants his daughter to get the lessons of the life, take charge of her life responsibly and get her self molded in the right way to be in right path?


Many questions in my mind. Feeling sorry for the girl, for the girl's husband and the girl's & and boy's parents. Feeling sorry just being an onlooker without the knowledge of the truth AND just considering the unpleasant situation.


Why people don't value, respect and care each other as spouse? Why people fail to accommodate each other and help each other to live in peace and harmony? Why people fail to retain the charm of human relationship just because of monetary and materialistic pursuits?

 

[prasad1]

Mr. Ravi,
You have good questions, I do not have all the answers.
The girl's mother has applied for US visa, it is anybody's guess how long that might take. Distance makes a big difference. The boy refuses to talk with anyone. We have tried to contact him by phone, he refuses to answer.
The girl's parents finally met with boy's parents (arranged marriage), but they refuse to help.
I am not privy to the communication between the parents and the girl.
They have asked us to arrange financial help for the girl, which we have arranged.
The girl has talked with an attorney today, I will know the results in the evening. A friend of mine took the day off to take her to the attorney. The clock on the attorney's bill has started.
In USA if you do not have a car, it is almost impossible to live. She does not have a car, as the family car has been taken by the boy.
The girl says that it was a surprise to her to see the divorce papers, the parents are in shock.

 

[amala]

I do feel so sorry for the poor girl. I wonder why the boy did what he did? Wonder if its another woman, even then there is a "right" way of discussing and leaving and there is just walking out.

Renu even though i do agree with your post on the whole, i still feel for some women its not so easy to walk away from a man/hubby you love. Its not about self respect, its just emotions. As wrong as it is, it cannot be helped and people both men and women who aren't emotional or sensitive won't realise how tremendously hard it is to move on.

Ravi i also agree with some of your sentiments and Mr Prasads. I think fragile emotional types (both men and women) need to be very careful to marry properly. Not everyone can dust themselves down and move out/on as easily. But beyond that its karma/kismet isn't it?

 

[Raghy]

If a man does not want a marriage anymore why should a girl suffer and stay especially when they do not have kids.

Just give him a slap on his face and walk out.Take just what is legally due and walk off.
Do not take more than what is due cos that would form a Karmic Debt and you will have to see the SOB again in some other life.

It's high time people had some self respect and not try to hold on to something worthless and live in hell for the rest of their lives.

Tell the girl..kick that guy and come back and marry someone else.

Renuka,

Although you sound so logical, personally I can't agree with you. If everyone acts like you say, a large number of marriages will just fall apart. You know, seriously, men seldom grow up. When they were growing up they through tantrums for all their needs and the mummy was there to fulfill them. When others think they have grown and hitch a girl with them, they through a tantrum and expect the wife to fulfill their desires. I am very sure, this whole thing is now gone through a snow ball effect. But it would have started with a really silly issue which the girl would e regretting now... the boy will have his chance to regret it for many more years to come. Last night I was in a restaurant with my wife. She asked me... " you have never grown up, have you? How can you be so childish even at this age? You seemed much more matured in your 20s!'.. I said to her, men usually don't want to grow up; during my 20s I needed to impress you and others, so I acted matured; I had the responsibility to look after you and our family, so I was focused on that and looked serious; now that all these things are taken care of, I can go back to my usual self, that's being silly all the time!" My wife said " we women folks are much more matured. We do like to maintain dignity and carry maturity even for immatured person like you!". She was so true.

That boy sounds like a thick headed fool. His parents should take responsibility and do the needful. If that boy is not mentally ill, then the girl's parents and others should not leave any stone unturned. I know one method to get the boys attention. But I am not suggesting that in this forum. Unless this hit the boys hip pocket quite heavily, the boy may not listen. But still divorce may not be my option.

Cheers!

 

[Raghy]

I do feel so sorry for the poor girl. I wonder why the boy did what he did? Wonder if its another woman, even then there is a "right" way of discussing and leaving and there is just walking out.

Renu even though i do agree with your post on the whole, i still feel for some women its not so easy to walk away from a man/hubby you love. Its not about self respect, its just emotions. As wrong as it is, it cannot be helped and people both men and women who aren't emotional or sensitive won't realise how tremendously hard it is to move on.

Ravi i also agree with some of your sentiments and Mr Prasads. I think fragile emotional types (both men and women) need to be very careful to marry properly. Not everyone can dust themselves down and move out/on as easily. But beyond that its karma/kismet isn't it?

Sowbagyavathy Amala, Greetings.

I agree with you the girl may have to go through hell for few years. But she doesn't have to take everything with 'karma/kismet' salt. Imagine most NBs in villages; there will be conversation couple of times.. then coms out the mean looking large knief. When the intentions are serious, suddenly all parties are happy to sit down and talk. Softy softy approach doesn't work. Sometimes we have to be considered as a 'bad ass dude'. Then only people pay attention.

Cheers!

 

[prasad1]

I do feel so sorry for the poor girl. I wonder why the boy did what he did? Wonder if its another woman, even then there is a "right" way of discussing and leaving and there is just walking out.

Renu even though i do agree with your post on the whole, i still feel for some women its not so easy to walk away from a man/hubby you love. Its not about self respect, its just emotions. As wrong as it is, it cannot be helped and people both men and women who aren't emotional or sensitive won't realise how tremendously hard it is to move on.

Ravi i also agree with some of your sentiments and Mr Prasads. I think fragile emotional types (both men and women) need to be very careful to marry properly. Not everyone can dust themselves down and move out/on as easily. But beyond that its karma/kismet isn't it?

Dear Amala,
Divorce is never easy on anyone.
But reality has to be accepted, In this case the Father is not ready to accept failure. He wants revenge, but the girl is the one paying the price. We are ready to walk away once the mother gets here.

 

[Raghy]

Dear Amala,
Divorce is never easy on anyone.
But reality has to be accepted, In this case the Father is not ready to accept failure. He wants revenge, but the girl is the one paying the price. We are ready to walk away once the mother gets here.

Sri. Prasad, Greetings.

What was the cause for all this drama? Does the girl know the reason? Do anyone else know the reason? I think the boy's parents are obliged to take responsibility. They can't just wash away their hands. If girl's father seeks revenge, he has to get the revenge from the boy's parents. After all the elders have cooked up this whole thing, haven't thay by the way of arranged marriage?

Cheers!

 

[biswa]

Sometimes it strikes me that we are so ready to give advice on repairing someone else's marriage. Are we able to apply all this wisdom when it comes to our own marriage?

 

[tbs]

I do feel so sorry for the poor girl. I wonder why the boy did what he did? Wonder if its another woman, even then there is a "right" way of discussing and leaving and there is just walking out.

Renu even though i do agree with your post on the whole, i still feel for some women its not so easy to walk away from a man/hubby you love. Its not about self respect, its just emotions. As wrong as it is, it cannot be helped and people both men and women who aren't emotional or sensitive won't realise how tremendously hard it is to move on.

Ravi i also agree with some of your sentiments and Mr Prasads. I think fragile emotional types (both men and women) need to be very careful to marry properly. Not everyone can dust themselves down and move out/on as easily. But beyond that its karma/kismet isn't it?

hi
i agree with u....life is not bed of roses...a lot of commitments/compromises required for a marriage....generally third party involvement

is mainly reason in divorce case....now days many girls parents encouraging for divorce....but ultimately the girl has to pay the price...

i know one story in USA...both are NBs...the boy had some relationship before marriage....still both did and arranged marriage...

very young age below 25 yrs......within one year of marriage both applied for divorce....another within one the boy married

another girl....the girl is living close to me....i heard that the girl got green card and living alone happily....she has fear of second

marriage....becoz of the first experience....he is in west coast....she is in east coast....she does not want go back to india...

due to parents/relatives problems....so pity life of IT gals.....money is there....happiness is gone....