Dear Renuka,
Let me probe a little more to understand a little more. Your personality is quite interesting. I understand that you are deliberate with everything. What happens to the spontaneity? spontaneously shedding tears when singing "Kurai onrum Illai, marai moorthy kannaa" along with MS, spontaneously shouting Wah! when Jagatsingh sings "mujhe ithna pyar na karo-mein nashe mein hoon", crying spontaneously when you feel traumatized by the sudden loss of a near and dear one-one who has no replacement or no equal, the spontaneous happiness and contentment with which you express your glee when you enjoy your absolute freedom to throw up your leg carelessly not bothering to see whether any one is watching you when u r in your mothers house on a holiday (my wife says she has lost this privilege for ever after the death of her mother) and.......I can go on adding many such instances when things happen to you spontaneously. There is no scope for any deliberation at all. Do you miss them all? Or at least the "real them"? Or is it that the deliberateness is a carefully built kavacham or a facade behind which u carefully preserve a soft and extremely sensitive self?
You may choose not to answer these probing questions. It would still be alright. I would be 'spontaneously' happy if I get a reply.
Dear sir,
I will answer your questions.
In 1998..I was working in a remote area and my mother was staying with me cos I was still single that time.
One day went I went home for lunch I found her barely conscious and I took to the remote clinic I was working and did an ECG for her and found her heart racing beyond control and due to this there was no recordable Blood Pressure too.
At the back of my mind I knew I had to act fast and not give in to emotions and I told the nurse to bring the resuscitate set and to stand by cos I have a feeling I could lose my mother.
The nurse asked me if I could handle the case or call the other doctor to help out I said not to call the other doctor cos I knew the other doctor's way of seeing patients..he was a bit of a racist and would not really care for patients who are not his race.
So I rather handle my mum's case myself.
I did what I could and accompanied her in the ambulance and to the state hospital.
During the journey my mother vomited all over me and she was feeling bad for that.
I called my father who was in Kuala Lumpur and told him that I have admitted my mum in CCU at the state hospital.
I made sure she was stable and left cos the next day I had to attend the district level health campaign where a minister was coming for it.
I attended the launch and the state director asked how I was and I said I am feeling a bit tired cos I did not sleep much since my mother was in CCU and I rushed back for the launch since I was also in charge of it.
The state director asked me "how can your work and handle this when your mum is sick..how could you handle it?"
I told him 'I leave it to God to decide cos she is also stable now and I also had to attend and over see the launch and do my duty"
The state director told me to take leave right away and attend to my mother.
To be frank...I do cry when I see suffering.
I have cried when the Al Qaeda beheaded people and my husband told me that this is life and death and you can't change the fact.
But the same person(my husband) cried as a normal reaction when a near and dear one of his died...and then I asked him (once he was over with crying)..
Why do you cry now? I thought you said this is life and death and you can't change this fact.
He then admitted that he can only cry for those who are his blood.
So you see...I realized that attachment and blood ties makes one emotional.
We might not cry for anyone that means nothing to us.
I can cry but I will still be able to draw a line somewhere.
Ok here is another situation I have faced in life where I had to keep any emotional thoughts fully out of my mind.
During pregnancy a woman secretes colostrum from the breast which is normally clear to yellowish in color.
Colostrum production can start around 7 - 8 months during pregnancy.
I had red colored colostrum from the right side and my doctor suspected intraductal cancer cos he said red color must be blood.
I was 8 months pregnant and I hear a doctor telling me you could be having intraductal cancer and we can not do any mammogram till you deliver the child.
It was a big blow to me and I was thinking "I have to be stable cos the diagnosis is not confirmed and I should not let my emotions go hay wire cos unsteady emotions would affect the baby I was carrying"
My parents were really worried and so was my husband but I told them do not worry lets see the outcome.
So when I went back to my work place..I thought that the doctor assumes that red color is blood but what if it is just a variant.
So I did my own test..I took the sample of my own colostrum and checked it under the microscope and I found no blood in it.
I called up the doctor and told him that I did not find blood so I do not think it is Cancer.
The doctor said "but no human has red colostrum!"
I said "may be they do and we do not know or may be I am the first one to have red colostrum"
So you see by being emotionally stable I was able to disprove the cancer suspicion and not breakdown and cry thinking that I am going to die.
I hope I have answered your questions.
