Divorce - situation

[Raghy]

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Sometimes it strikes me that we are so ready to give advice on repairing someone else's marriage. Are we able to apply all this wisdom when it comes to our own marriage?

Sri. Biawa, Greetings.

Good question. I and my wife used to fight on regular basis, almost everyday. Nobody would have put even 10 cents on our continuity. But things gets sorted out. Sometimes we don't have to repair at all. So what if it is broken here and there? Nothing has to be perfect; it can have flaws here and there. If we can live with the flaws or with the illusion of the flaws, why not? People look for 'perfect life' and end up getting the most 'imperfect life'. My policy is, when it is time to shout, shout for the whole suburb to know; when it is time to love, love as if there is no tomorrow; when it is time to pamper go out all the way and pamper so that I will not have a lingering feeling for not doing the job well. I don't even try to repair my marriage because I am the repair!

Cheers!

 

[renuka]

Renuka,

Although you sound so logical, personally I can't agree with you. If everyone acts like you say, a large number of marriages will just fall apart. You know, seriously, men seldom grow up. When they were growing up they through tantrums for all their needs and the mummy was there to fulfill them. When others think they have grown and hitch a girl with them, they through a tantrum and expect the wife to fulfill their desires. I am very sure, this whole thing is now gone through a snow ball effect. But it would have started with a really silly issue which the girl would e regretting now... the boy will have his chance to regret it for many more years to come. Last night I was in a restaurant with my wife. She asked me... " you have never grown up, have you? How can you be so childish even at this age? You seemed much more matured in your 20s!'.. I said to her, men usually don't want to grow up; during my 20s I needed to impress you and others, so I acted matured; I had the responsibility to look after you and our family, so I was focused on that and looked serious; now that all these things are taken care of, I can go back to my usual self, that's being silly all the time!" My wife said " we women folks are much more matured. We do like to maintain dignity and carry maturity even for immatured person like you!". She was so true.

That boy sounds like a thick headed fool. His parents should take responsibility and do the needful. If that boy is not mentally ill, then the girl's parents and others should not leave any stone unturned. I know one method to get the boys attention. But I am not suggesting that in this forum. Unless this hit the boys hip pocket quite heavily, the boy may not listen. But still divorce may not be my option. எனக்கு தெரிஞ்சு,அடி உதவற மாதிரி அண்ணன் தம்பி கூட உதவ மாட்டார்கள். By the way, completely off the topic... how much do the bikis charge for services in USA? Here in Brisbane, some of the bikis charge about 5 to 6 hundred dollars for a noble cause.. wonder in USA..

Cheers!

Dear Raghy,

For me if I have no kids..I am not going to be hanging around someone who does not love me that too if it was an arranged marriage.

You see if there is another woman involved risk to hang around is high cos the man might want to murder you to be with his lady love or abuse you or worse still contract some STD from him.

No way man I will stay with a person who does not love me.

Marriage is just part of life but it is not the main aim of life.

You see if we have a car and the car does not work well even after trying to repair it we get a new car right?

So same way...if the marriage does not behave well off with it.

If there are children than it is a different situation all together.
Then some amount of tolerance need to be there.

For me I can't be in love with a man who does not love me..I might be able to stay with him for the sake of the children but no way I can love him in any extra special way.

All he will get from me is the love I have for any fellow living being in this world.


I might be still be able to have physical relationship with him still but without feelings attached.. it will be "wham bam thank you sir"!LOL

I won't hate anyone though.

Frankly speaking Love is like a boomerang or to sound more Indian I can say Love is like a Sudarshan Chakra....throw it well it comes back to you..
You fling it wrongly it can even strike you back or strike the other person.

 

[renuka]

Renu even though i do agree with your post on the whole, i still feel for some women its not so easy to walk away from a man/hubby you love. Its not about self respect, its just emotions. As wrong as it is, it cannot be helped and people both men and women who aren't emotional or sensitive won't realise how tremendously hard it is to move on.

Have you realized that it is always Indians that have the hardest time moving on.
I am sure you know how easily the other races in M'sia move on so well with life and remarry?

Even after the Tsunami 2004..a year later a documentary was made and worst affected Bandar Acheh moved on with life.
All widows and widowers married each other and thought of it as Takdir and moved on.

But the Indian counterparts were still not moving on with life..still depressed and mostly were blaming God for it.

See the difference?
Time heals all wounds..no one even laments death of parents forever and ever..so after sometime divorce wounds also heal.

Past is meant to be forgotten.
Some of us do not even remember the names of our ex boyfriends!!LOL

 

[Raghy]

Sowbagyavathy Renuka, Greetings.

We don't the reason here. It may be very simple reason. Just egoistic thick headed foolish reactions may be taking place. Most marriages are love less anyway. I and my wife were loving each other for 6 months before our marriage. Soon after the wedding, the elders wanted to take revenge on us, external pressure was so much on us, we couldn't take it. she was not even 17 at that time. I didn't have half the wisdom I have now, that means I was less smarter than a nincompoop. It took a lot of loving from her, lot of sad days for both of us before she could really trust me. If people don't want to work at marriage, it just can't flourish on its own. If the reasons are serious as you mention, then it is okay, should call it quits. But if it is just a simple reason like disagreement in a petty matter?

Cheers!

 

[Ramacchandran]

How is that girl now?Ask that girl to come India, and see the girls here.That guy CANNOT leave the girl like that.She should fight for her right.We don't want them to separate or divorce. In case it happens she must ask compensation.Ask the girl be strong and be possitive. Nobody can spoil her life.And always we says GOD IS THERE. Of course hes there.She should approch some lawyer there.

For what? to get compensation??
If she gets money, then he will give, but the name??
Others will follow, Marry me, divorce, get compensation??
If this continues one after other ???

 

[renuka]

I had a patient once an Indian girl here who was on verge of suicide brought to see me cos she had taken an overdose of medication.

Her arranged marriage husband who was in Canada was asking for a "divorce" cos he had found another woman.It was just some few months after marriage.

They had no kids anyhow.

Her parents tried to speak to him but still he was adamant.

I asked her if she had registered her marriage with the Malaysian Government?

She said No.
She only had a temple wedding.

I told her that means for all practical legal purposes her marriage does not even need go through a divorce.

Out here it is compulsory to register any marriage.
A temple marriage done without registering it is not legally valid.
One is given some 6 months I think to register any marriage after the marriage ceremony or the registration can be done same day at the temple itself before the Thali is tied.

I advised her to just leave this man and move on with life.

I told her do not take the risk of staying with him cos he could harm you.

Break off with him and move on after a few months get back into the dating scene or do some studies and you might meet someone.

She took my advice and moved on..met some Turkish guy and is well settled happily in UK now and has a kid too.

She came to meet me before she went to UK with the Turkish guy to thank me for the advice.

 

[renuka]

For what? to get compensation??
If she gets money, then he will give, but the name??
Others will follow, Marry me, divorce, get compensation??
If this continues one after other ???

Open a fixed deposit and watch the interest build up!

 

[C RAVI]

.................... But beyond that its karma/kismet isn't it?

Amala,


Can't agree more with your points!!


BUT

Let's not talk about Karma/Kismet in such situations. However much an emotional human knows what is karma/kismat, they would still have emotional sufferings and pains. What ever may be the situation, marriage failures, career failures or what ever. Pain is ever the same Pain!!

Many times many people use Karma/Kismat as a tool to brain wash the spouse in order to get divorced. Chances of a husband or a wife simply talking about Karma/Kismat to their spouse repeatedy, systematically brain wash him/her and easily make him/her get away once for all. All to get settled with some one else with a more better deal.


YES!!! Karma/kismat is there that would make one undergo the above situation. BUT, we humans are fragile in our emotions and feeling out of your own attitude, perceptions, liking and attachement that we feel and experience ONLY with the knowledge and understanding that - This is my Life and I want the best out of it. Want peace of mind and satisfaction. Want love and care and want meaning to this present life"

 

[suraju06]

In old days the principles that made up life were different. Marriage was an institution founded to perpetuate and sustain family lines. The pleasures that came with the marriage were collaterals. This is brought out beautifully in the upanishadic lines "prajA thanthum mA vyavathchEthsi". But much water has flown down the Tamraparani since the upanishadic days. The present is a time when pleasures are primary and indulgence is the name of the game. So marriage , if stands in the way of indulgence, has to be discarded. Until the girl knows where her newly acquired spouse stands she has to use ovulation strips to avoid pregnency. The man has to keep his bank account inaccessible to his spouse until he is sure what are the preferences of his newly acquired spouse. Indian civilization coughs and stutters and moves on.

If marriage can be compared to a modern movie with a lot of action, a predictable boring storyline, macho actors hitting left and right, sexy looking female actors gyrating and jerking and with a few melodious songs we can say the movie will be forgotten the next day and only the songs will be remembered for long. All the action and dances are enjoyed when the movie is seen but songs remain in the memory always. Those songs are like the love and affection that bond a relationship in a marriage. If love and affection is not there in a marriage it is just action that will be forgotten. when one of the parties to a marriage looks for love and affection by repeated attempts (in a second or a third marriage) there is nothing wrong in it. But the problem is that you don't get to see any good movie in the theaters these days however hard you may try. One is as bad as the other or only worse. It turns out to be a very unfortunate and pathetic search. People say human life always remains an unfinished painting for ever . How true!!

Cheers.

 

[Naina_Marbus]

.......I wonder why the boy did what he did? Wonder if its another woman, even thenthere is a "right" way of discussing and leaving and there is justwalking out.
……………

Hello, nice to meet another person who asked this question.

It would indeed be useful to dig in and find out why the boy did what he did,to see if there was a reason behind his action that can throw some light on the affair and educate the bystanders so that there is a 'take home' lesson.

People who are ignorant or unaware of history are condemned to repeat it.

 

[renuka]

. BUT, we humans are fragile in our emotions life"

Being fragile is an option.

Being strong to face situations is the true human nature.

Some people can withstand anything in life and stand unshaken...becos they tend to weigh the pros and cons of anything in life before they commit themselves emotionally to anyone.

It is really not worth it being ruled by emotions..it only makes one drown in sorrow.

Emotions are meant to make us stronger in life and not to drag us down.

 

[renuka]

I feel in this world being too emotional has disastrous consequences.

We should try to adopt some methods to be strong:

1)Love spouse/family etc but make sure we can survive without their love.

2)Be compassionate with every living being but make sure we do not need to depend on their compassion.

3)Love Life but make sure that Life can still go on without emotional love.

 

[Raghy]

Being fragile is an option.

Being strong to face situations is the true human nature.

Some people can withstand anything in life and stand unshaken...becos they tend to weigh the pros and cons of anything in life before they commit themselves emotionally to anyone.

It is really not worth it being ruled by emotions..it only makes one drown in sorrow.

Emotions are meant to make us stronger in life and not to drag us down.

Renuka,

That's nice. But most often people don't have correct mental make up for such maturity.Often times, when we are young we seek love and affection. As it is such person may not have sound judment capacities; for such person, if it is white, he/she belives that is milk. Only later on to find out it is not. When the parents are good, when they rear their childen well such children grow up with lot of confidence and gain all that qualities you stated early in life. Some people are only lucky enough to provide such support to their children while they may not have received.

Cheers!

 

[renuka]

Renuka,

That's nice. But most often people don't have correct mental make up for such maturity.Often times, when we are young we seek love and affection. As it is such person may not have sound judment capacities; for such person, if it is white, he/she belives that is milk. Only later on to find out it is not. When the parents are good, when they rear their childen well such children grow up with lot of confidence and gain all that qualities you stated early in life. Some people are only lucky enough to provide such support to their children while they may not have received.

Cheers!

Repeated mistakes makes one strong.The problem is we Indians are afraid to even spell the word mistake.
Emotions need to be trained to be under check.

No one is a Hercules at birth.

Even Olympic gold medalist train for hours till prefect and have also seen failure before they wear Gold Medals.

Yes..young or old everyone seeks love and affection but one should be able to draw a line somewhere.

We can love anyone how ever much we want but just make sure that you are not dead if they do not love you back as much as you want them too.


When I was in college I used to see girls react badly to guys when a guy tells them their feelings.
The girls will spread bad stuff about the guy and also shout at the guy.
You see why do this and get too emotional about someone confessing his feelings.

If you do not like it just tell him nicely.

When I was in India once,a person from the engineering college drove his bike in front of me and came down from it and went on one knee and told me he liked me.

I did not like him but I did not insult him.

I told him nicely that his gesture was brave and daring but at present I wish to concentrate on my studies and not get involved with anyone.

Other girls get so mad if any guy does that and insult them back.

So what I am saying is there is always a diplomatic way to handle life without hurting others or yourself.

 

[Raghy]

Renuka,

I refer to your message in post #64.

Repeated mistakes makes one strong.The problem is we Indians are afraid to even spell the word mistake.

That's because we just get one opportunity. Social pressure. I was ridiculed by everyone when I was in love. There was the girl from the well to do family, there I was counting overtime hours to get a decent enough money. That girl was going through so much pressure too.

Sure, you are right. Girls do over react to any guy making a proposal. They could decline plitely.

All in all, the society is kind of cancerous praying on the vulnerable persons. anyone in trouble is considered vulnerable. That's why most Indians are afraid to face 'mistakes' and face 'failures'.

Cheers!

 

[amala]

Nobody chooses to be emotional on purpose. Its actually a curse. Lucky are the unemotional, practical thinking types. I feel envious of them. There is something called inherent nature/character (IMHO) that cannot be changed with however much training, or scolding or lecturing, unfortunately.

I agree some cultures are more emotional than others.

 

[renuka]

That's because we just get one opportunity.

Cheers!

What only one opportunity?
Life is like a Multiple Choice Question.

If you get one wrong..try another answer..if still wrong try again if still wrong move on the next question.

If you get all answers wrong..you have failed the test..don't give up ..try the exam again.

You see we Indians are over emotional when it comes to LOVVU.

If one love fails..next please.

 

[renuka]

Nobody chooses to be emotional on purpose. Its actually a curse. Lucky are the unemotional, practical thinking types. I feel envious of them. There is something called inherent nature/character (IMHO) that cannot be changed with however much training, or scolding or lecturing, unfortunately.

I agree some cultures are more emotional than others.

No Amala, life's experiences changes our mindset.

When we are younger emotions rule to a certain extent, as we age we become more practical in life.

 

[prasad1]

Nobody chooses to be emotional on purpose. Its actually a curse. Lucky are the unemotional, practical thinking types. I feel envious of them. There is something called inherent nature/character (IMHO) that cannot be changed with however much training, or scolding or lecturing, unfortunately.

I agree some cultures are more emotional than others.

I think we all are capable of being emotional. Some cultures shun display of emotions. Particularly for a man is supposed to be strong and not display emotions in public. Crying is supposed to be a sign of weakness.

 

[tbs]

No Amala, life's experiences changes our mindset.

When we are younger emotions rule to a certain extent, as we age we become more practical in life.

hi renu
i saw a korean movie recently.....but sub titles are in english...based on practical story.....summer spring winter....a fantastic movie

based on buddhism with modern practical life....

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring - YouTube

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Renuka,

Being fragile is an option.

Being strong to face situations is the true human nature.

Some people can withstand anything in life and stand unshaken...becos they tend to weigh the pros and cons of anything in life before they commit themselves emotionally to anyone.

It is really not worth it being ruled by emotions..it only makes one drown in sorrow.

Emotions are meant to make us stronger in life and not to drag us down.

All the emotional strength will go down and a person would tremble after he/she has made a careful commitment with his/her talented, rational and balanced mind and eventually find one self in a fix. Disappointed and disheartened by the other.

Don't know, how you could consider that - "Being strong to face situations is the true human nature"? IMHO, you are wrong!!! The truth is, humans force themselves to tackle the situations and balance themselves some how. Such that they could retain their conscious and keep going. Some are too fragile to the extent of hurting/killing themselves and that are the cases of acute mental stress driving someone go out of mind. Other's who don't go to that bad extent, still have the pains and some sort of rejections, some or other way.

People project themselves stronger and happy despite emotional suffering. But deep down in their heart and some where in their mind, they know what they lost and what they are missing. For many, these deep feelings in heart and senses in mind keeps haunting them now and then. All they do is, cover them up and keep going internally and externally.

No Amala, life's experiences changes our mindset.

When we are younger emotions rule to a certain extent, as we age we become more practical in life.

There are many reasons to go emotionally down. A child getting emotional for each and every thing would improve as the child grows and finds the perfect balance.

The same grown up adult would still have emotions BUT that would be for many relevant and important aspects of life that are potent to shake him/her up extensively.

If not now, tomorrow. If not sooner, later. In some way or other.


As we age, our reactions and expression would change BUT not what we really undergo inside!! What we really feel and what we really suffer, going down emotionally on certain critical situations would remain intact deep inside us and would keep haunting. All we become capable of is, managing our self to our best and not projecting them out.

Hardly there are some humans who would never ever have anything called emotions. Would never be emotional to self and to others. Would never ever can understand that Emotionally going High and Emotionally Going Down is the Basic Human Tendency, no matter how old a human is. Living with such a person would be really gruesome!!!!


Talking high is different than finding oneself in such a bad situation and finding oneself going emotionally down, in one's own real life...

 

[biswa]

I think we all are capable of being emotional. Some cultures shun display of emotions. Particularly for a man is supposed to be strong and not display emotions in public. Crying is supposed to be a sign of weakness.

I am told a crying man is not considered attractive to women. For all their own emotional selves, women dont like emotional men.

 

[C RAVI]

I am told a crying man is not considered attractive to women. For all their own emotional selves, women dont like emotional men.

A woman likes a Man who understands what is emotion and what her emotional feelings are. But, she wants him to be emotionally strong such that he can keep her emotions high and positive.

Not just women. Men too would be happy and would feel comfortable if women who share life with them in some relationship are reasonably emotional, tender, soft and soothing. Rather being crude and point blank in the pretext of their smartness with their rational brain.

Men or Women, all expect the other to be emotional towards the other and not to be particular about one's own emotions alone.

 

[prasad1]

by Johnny Feelgood
"Young men are told.. “Don’t show your emotions; because this is weak. Only women show their emotions”. So men become “hard” and insensitive, or young men attempt to act “tough” when they’re out in a social environment.
This is far from the truth however, and is a cover for the real problem. Expressing emotions is never weak.
Research studies have shown that nonverbal makes up almost ALL of communication between humans. 93% to be exact. So anyone who stifles their emotional expressiveness, which is expressed through nonverbal, loses their ability to communicate.
Now what about the strong silent type? Everyone admires these qualities in a man. But these develop from a place of seasoning, and life experience. Having dealt with life, having made his mark, and continuing to take responsibility for everything in his life, whether finances, career, education, or his day to day well-being and that of everyone in his life; a man develops a certain gravity and presence about him. He deals with life issues with calm and stoicism, trusting in his ability to deal with a situation, because he deals with every situation with the same intensity of purpose and focus. But he’s not always like this. As a male who takes charge of his life, and looks out for others, he gives himself permission to stay positive and project this outward. He’s carefree about spreading the good vibes because he knows this is for the best. This is healthy!"

 

[biswa]

Renuka,

That's nice. But most often people don't have correct mental make up for such maturity.Often times, when we are young we seek love and affection. As it is such person may not have sound judment capacities; for such person, if it is white, he/she belives that is milk. Only later on to find out it is not. When the parents are good, when they rear their childen well such children grow up with lot of confidence and gain all that qualities you stated early in life. Some people are only lucky enough to provide such support to their children while they may not have received.

Cheers!

I agree with Raghy ji's point here. Children reflect the image of God. What makes them special is the innocence of childhood. I see my own children and can relive my long forgotten childhood. They like everybody, want to play with everybody and want to believe anything they are told. They are so dependent on their parents and trust them with their lives.

Sure, sooner or later life hardens everybody (parents' divorce is one example), but let us not snatch their childhood too early from them.