Marriage expenses of Tamil Brahmins

[prasad1]

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In a consumer society every one thought of minimalist living, do you think the country can advance economically? If we stay a poor country, do you think we will remain free for long?

So this talk for frugal living as a country is a pipe dream. Only a poor person will think that way.
The rich way of living is not for all.
There will Ramana Maharishi and also Mukesh Ambani's at the same time.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear P S N Sir,

Buying expensive sarees for girls who rarely wear them is a sheer waste of money, imho. But if I tell this to people who choose

to buy them, they will brand me as 'kanjoos'! I have stopped advising people long long back. I just grin and bear seeing the undue

lavishness. Let the silk industry survive! Roughly fifteen thousand rupees are spent on nine yards 'muhurtha' saree, which the bride

might wear once again during her 'seemantham'. But no one likes to buy a simple saree, though many grand sarees in cotton silk are

available at a lower cost. That is world!

 

[sneelakantan48]

In a consumer society every one thought of minimalist living, do you think the country can advance economically? If we stay a poor country, do you think we will remain free for long?

So this talk for frugal living as a country is a pipe dream. Only a poor person will think that way.
The rich way of living is not for all.
There will Ramana Maharishi and also Mukesh Ambani's at the same time.

Dear Prasad,

It is not about minimalist or frugal living. Just controlling, if not, avoiding unnecessary wastage in conducting marriages. Those who can afford, do not bother about the sheer wastage of the lavish wedding. No problems. But, unfortunately this sets an example for the poor who can not afford such a grand style but are forced to follow.

 

[krish44]

hi I am a new member . I have read through what members had to say about tambram weddings.I could not resist adding to the comments
1.there is a need for cost control for engagements and weddings. irrespective of which segment one belongs to. they should be properly budgeted and need for each expenditure should be examined. resource constraints should be appreciated . girls parents should not be driven to penury.and left with dependence on children after retirement . high earning highly educated girls with foreign groom dreams and parents with black money can claim exceptions.however overspending with hopes of recovering the money from groom later after marriage sometimes do not workout
2Wedding halls make a good killing. most are forced to book the same for a minimum of two days extending to three. Good idea to choose a smaller city.Temple towns[kumbakonam for iyengars ,and iyers may have their options] and Tiruchy are good options. Reception alone in chennai is sensible
3. numbers of invitees makes a huge difference. A good suggestion is invitation to wedding ceremony to be limited to family relations and close family friends. invite only those you really care for.there is a tendency to make them kumbhmela.
4Receptions restrict it to friends and office colleagues Avoid large family participation here.this may be in chennai.menu can be limited in terms of dishes and type of service [Buffet] encourage to avoid waste.keep away from five star and stick to veg.
5 try not to get into gold ,silver excessive commitments . neither receive or give gold other than thali. any extra jewellery the girls get from parents ,tell them to take it with them after the event.
6 reduce amount spent on clothes .expensive sarees ,suits and the like. avoid spending on clothes for large extended families and friends
7strictlycontrol expenditure on flowers ,malai,reception bags with coconuts etc
8keep away from exotic honeymoon europe,australia,usand such places |south east asia or maldives ,bali with tickets and hotels advance booking
will help. otherwise you have the indian destinations
8transportation cost local and outstation try for reduction . avoid air travel . try group booking by train appropriate class or chartered bus. have minimum pickup and drop points.
9take extra care of sr citizen,children and pregnant ladies. they are waiting to trip up marriage arrangements.have marriages on ground floor locations or locations with lift facility. give decent accomodation and car pickups to them. have special persons to look after them
10 it would be a good idea to provide children big money to help the newly married to set up their homes after marriage. they will thank you heartily.
11.do not latch on to just married couple after marriage and allow them to live their life for at least couple of years so that they understand each other and get adjusted. you may be cited as the reason for their misunderstandings and their inability to cope with job pressures and demands of married life
12 the above are realisable and desirable . and lastly I have followed the above in case of my children both boy and girl

 

[kunjuppu]

dear krish,

your post #104.. is a set of valid points. not many takers though. i am surprised. though these days i hear it is the girls who call the shots. and many girls continue to support their parents after wedding. per raji here.

#11 is the most valid i believe. let the young live their own lives. but again not many follow this i think. causing lot of grief. oh well!! a boy cousin of mine got divorced because of this. that happned 25 years ago. they blamed the girl, the parents. today i hope things are a bit different.

 

[Raji Ram]

.......... i am surprised. though these days i hear it is the girls who call the shots. and many girls continue to support their parents after wedding. per raji here. ........

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

When parents are dependent on their daughter, the first condition is THIS! :thumb:

 

[weblogic]

Reality is Girls have begun deciding the grandeur of the function of the last coupleof marriages 75% of them happened to be minimalistic and was at the behest of the Girls wish - I a way better for the parents...

 

[krish44]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

When parents are dependent on their daughter, the first condition is THIS! :thumb:

most parents with single child deliberately create insecurity in their children and they would be very happy to have a what is called ghar jamai in north. If girl gets high level of education and high paying job it is her objective to selectively grab a male and push her parents on him , if you see the couples filing for divorce , both parties blame the parents[either boys or girls] .in many matrimonial portals parents do not prefer single child male or female. matches.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

When parents are dependent on their daughter, the first condition is THIS! :thumb:

.. and i think it is great!! children are children, doesn't matter boy or girl. nowadays many of my relatives have only daughters..one or max 2. and they look upto their daughters, if not for material support, for moral and physical... and in many cases the daughters stand to inherit millions (in dolla not ruppee).

one of my uncles, even 25 years ago, took care of his inlaws. and.... inherited multicrore property and wealth as the husband of the only child daughter . but this was in kerala.

 

[krish44]

.. and i think it is great!! children are children, doesn't matter boy or girl. nowadays many of my relatives have only daughters..one or max 2. and they look upto their daughters, if not for material support, for moral and physical... and in many cases the daughters stand to inherit millions (in dolla not ruppee).

one of my uncles, even 25 years ago, took care of his inlaws. and.... inherited multicrore property and wealth as the husband of the only child daughter . but this was in kerala.

In matriarchal societies where property rights are vested in ladies , this is ok. in north east this is the norm.

 

[kunjuppu]

In matriarchal societies where property rights are vested in ladies , this is ok. in north east this is the norm.

... and it is NOT ok for tambram girls to take care of their parents? eh!

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Tables are turned now!! Let me give and example. After my wedding, I used to save all my tuition fees to buy gifts for my

parents and siblings, when I visited them from Vizag. I never had asked Ram to pay the bills!! Last year, I heard that a

newly wedded girl gifted a big diamond ring to her dear dad on his 60th birthday - bill paid by her dear hubby! :thumb:

 

[biswa]

Mrs RR,

You left out an important part. Who gave you​ gifts?

 

[Raji Ram]

Mrs RR,

You left out an important part. Who gave you​ gifts? ...

Dear Biswa Sir,
Most of the gifts are from my dear mom - cash / kind! opcorn:

Of course my siblings and son (after voting age) present me with lovely gifts on special occasions.

 

[biswa]

So what is Mr. Ram doing with all his money? Rather strange!

I must say all my salary goes directly to pay my wife's credit card.

 

[Raji Ram]

So what is Mr. Ram doing with all his money? Rather strange!......

IFF, I ask for something, Ram is ready to pay! But I feel shy to ask for a gift; that is also strange!

The expensive gift I got from Ram is my favorite P C with nice speakers to listen to carnatic music!

I get a fixed money to spend for 'mess' and I keep on saving a small chunk every month! 'Vitamin M' is needed to

maintain our family, build a big house, son's studies, gifts on all special occasions of family and friends, dear Sir!

 

[vgane]

Nowadays marriage expenses are at least Rs 10 lacs in cities...Jewellery, vessels etc are separate...

A Tam brahm girl married a Keralite Christian recently...It was not arranged..But both the sides met and finalized the wedding...The girls parents celebrated the marriage with gusto like a traditional wedding...

So love marriages can also have all the tags of expenses as in a arranged marriage

It depends on the parents of the girl..If they love their daughter they will celebrate it the way the like...

 

[krish44]

... and it is NOT ok for tambram girls to take care of their parents? eh!

k. saheb you have got me on this one. we should discuss what does taking care mean. If it means subsidising their separate living with doles or helping them for medical care or adding to their pensions for a decent lifestyle.or similar things it appears ok. If it is girls intent to insist'in case you love me love my parents also and push them on the groom soon after marriage they create problems. I have heard of girl asking the boys if they have baggage meaning boys parents to carry after marriage, this is the new age tamil brahmin girl.they come with ideas of weaning the boy away from his parents immediately after marriage , Girls parents specially mothers are solely the culprits encoraging their daughters in this couse of action. property is something parents of the boy have bought thru hard work and sacrifices and they would like to pass it on to their children after their demise and not for hosting sambandhis who have not cared to live life properly and after retirement hoping to live off others including daughters . These girls after after playing games to separate boy from his parents play smart .and In some cases exploit their own parents after they have moved in with them and make them do domestic work and look after their children when they go to work place to chase their career dreams. this is the reality middle class parents with career minded girls and with low pensions have to face. I have seen this happening in innumerable brahmin homes over the last few years

 

[krish44]

Nowadays marriage expenses are at least Rs 10 lacs in cities...Jewellery, vessels etc are separate...

A Tam brahm girl married a Keralite Christian recently...It was not arranged..But both the sides met and finalized the wedding...The girls parents celebrated the marriage with gusto like a traditional wedding...

So love marriages can also have all the tags of expenses as in a arranged marriage

It depends on the parents of the girl..If they love their daughter they will celebrate it the way the like...

you know VGANE sir love cum arranged marriage or arranged marriage are almost the same .only groom or bride selection is not in parents scope of work. in case of love cum arranged marriage
grooms get a bit devalued and parents do not have any bargaining power. ultimately it is the same gold and silver though a bit less ,more ceremonies since different castes/faiths are getting into a relationship and more money for exotic honeymoon as lovers are involved

 

[krish44]

IFF, I ask for something, Ram is ready to pay! But I feel shy to ask for a gift; that is also strange!

The expensive gift I got from Ram is my favorite P C with nice speakers to listen to carnatic music!

I get a fixed money to spend for 'mess' and I keep on saving a small chunk every month! 'Vitamin M' is needed to

maintain our family, build a big house, son's studies, gifts on all special occasions of family and friends, dear Sir!

I can see your concerns and your reluctance to accept gifts. VitaminM for house building, education.marriage[ these days you may have to spend more than girls parents to get boys married] can drain most families leaving nothing much for post retirement.but definitely not wrong to to ask for a good gift on special occassions . all this denials in life is not worth it you owe it to yourself.

 

[prasad1]

So what is Mr. Ram doing with all his money? Rather strange!

I must say all my salary goes directly to pay my wife's credit card.

My response may have nothing to do with Ram or Rajiji.
Generally TB's live modest life (including rich). If you compare the life style of a Punjabi with that of a TB with same financial standing, you will see a vast difference.

So TB's might leave a larger estate for their children, LOL.

 

[Raji Ram]

..........but definitely not wrong to to ask for a good gift on special occassions . all this denials in life is not worth it you owe it to yourself.

Simple living and high thinking is what my parents taught me, Sir! Gifts are regular feature from my mom and siblings and I have

never felt that I need to ask for something special from Ram! We render all possible help to the near and dear and this makes us

happy! FYI, I don't buy expensive sarees for Diwali and wedding anniversary!

 

[Raji Ram]

My response may have nothing to do with Ram or Rajiji.
Generally TB's live modest life (including rich). If you compare the life style of a Punjabi with that of a TB with same financial standing, you will see a vast difference.

So TB's might leave a larger estate for their children, LOL.

Very true, Prasad Sir!

 

[kunjuppu]

k. saheb you have got me on this one. we should discuss what does taking care mean. If it means subsidising their separate living with doles or helping them for medical care or adding to their pensions for a decent lifestyle.or similar things it appears ok. If it is girls intent to insist'in case you love me love my parents also and push them on the groom soon after marriage they create problems. I have heard of girl asking the boys if they have baggage meaning boys parents to carry after marriage, this is the new age tamil brahmin girl.they come with ideas of weaning the boy away from his parents immediately after marriage , Girls parents specially mothers are solely the culprits encoraging their daughters in this couse of action. property is something parents of the boy have bought thru hard work and sacrifices and they would like to pass it on to their children after their demise and not for hosting sambandhis who have not cared to live life properly and after retirement hoping to live off others including daughters . These girls after after playing games to separate boy from his parents play smart .and In some cases exploit their own parents after they have moved in with them and make them do domestic work and look after their children when they go to work place to chase their career dreams. this is the reality middle class parents with career minded girls and with low pensions have to face. I have seen this happening in innumerable brahmin homes over the last few years

true. it varies by cases.

i have a cousin boy. father died early and he was brought up re education by uncle. who also married off his only sister and footed the bill.

now this boy married arranged. they went to live in the usa. the girl's mother was widowed early and the girl had two younger sibliings, sister and brother. with the boy's wages in the usa, the girl married off her sister, educated the brother, and built a nice house for the mother in chennai.

when she comes to chennai she does not even visit the mother in law, who is forced to live alone in palghat. she gets a few ruppees from relatives who stay there when visiting for the ther or ancestral temple. otherwise no income . the mother is too devastated to protest to the boy. the relatives have kept quiet.

or the hubby's sister. the cousin's wife has also brought up her two daughters to disdain hubby family.

our family, since on the receiving end, is aghast. but nothing can be said, as the cousin involved is completely under his wife's thumb.

what to do? you tell me man!!

 

[kunjuppu]

Nowadays marriage expenses are at least Rs 10 lacs in cities...Jewellery, vessels etc are separate...

A Tam brahm girl married a Keralite Christian recently...It was not arranged..But both the sides met and finalized the wedding...The girls parents celebrated the marriage with gusto like a traditional wedding...

So love marriages can also have all the tags of expenses as in a arranged marriage

It depends on the parents of the girl..If they love their daughter they will celebrate it the way the like...

the recent tambram weddings i attended are 50+ lakhs... very easy to add up: 18 lakhs for mandapam alone. and food. and entertainment 2 nights...not counting sari or jewellery cost. parents very proud and boastful to spend so much money.

my belief: love marriage? very good. you chose your spouse. you marry. you spend. i will give you a handsome gift. but it is your affair. that is what happend to my son. we love our son and dil.

but it was a quick affair at the city hall before a judge. just the parents were invited. their friends they had a party in a restaurant. when they came to our home, we invited 50 of our friends to meet n greet. the dil family had no celebration.

many relatives were upset. had it been for mrs K they would have been told and many would have come. but i prevailed. had brought up my children this way. let us see how it happens for my other two kids...