Dear Maash,
I've never posted here before (never even knew there was such a forum), came across your question and felt compelled to share my story with you.
I'm an Iyengar woman who was born and raised in America. There is a stereotype among Indians in India that NRI's like me are immoral, completely Westernized, and have "no culture." This stereotype is unfortunately perpetuated in Bollywood and among traditionalists in India. It couldn't be further from the truth. Most of us raised here are raised with a sense of culture, almost urgently passed onto us through our parents and larger Indian communities, who were always fearful of the dilution effect of the larger Western society. Most of us are far more conservative than our Indian counterparts in India, who as they like to say, "freak out" every chance they get. I've lost count at the number of times an Indian (from India) is shocked -- shocked!! -- that I enjoy Indian music (of all stripes), know the basic shlokas, completed my Arangetram, am comfortable with Tamil, call my parents Amma and Appa, visit the Temple, maintain my vegetarianism, and prefer our south Indian cuisine above any other. My estimation is that the majority of us NRI's, with perhaps varying knowledge of our culture, actually have a deep love and respect for it, and have become quite adept at mingling the best of our two worlds.
The thing is, when you are privileged enough to view your culture through the lens of your other culture, you begin to see what is worth passing on, and what is not. When I come to India, the things I love and dislike about being American become glaringly obvious to me. Same for when I'm in America, the things I love and dislike about being culturally Indian stand out prominently. This gives you the power to pick and choose which values from each culture you feel most strongly about.
From Indian culture -- our food, spirituality, music and dance, Hinduism, vegetarianism (for many, esp Brahmins here), respect for elders, cleanliness, focus on education, thriftiness, and seva.
From American culture -- compassion towards your neighbor, orderliness in public, civic pride, non-discrimination, acceptance and tolerance of those of all stripes, dedication to ones chosen profession, spirit of adventure and seeking new experiences beyond ones comfort zone.
One of the first things to go is the discrimination pervasive in the caste system.
As you can see I am easily but incorrectly stereotyped because of my American nationality. When you live in America, you quickly discover that the prejudices of caste are also largely based on incorrect stereotypes. One of the most shameful of our Indian customs is this ridiculous notion that caste should dictate any role in whether two people should marry, in an arranged marriage or otherwise. All that matters is how willing to compromise and openminded the two are, and how willing to allow their families opinions to influence their confidence in the match.
I married a Chettiar boy through a love marriage who was also born and raised here. He is intelligent, respectful, and going somewhere in his life. He loves our food and speaks Tamil better than I do. He wasn't familiar with all of our Brahmin customs but has no qualms about me continuing on with them. Likewise, I am learning about his Chettiar customs and making room for them in our home.
Our pooja cabinet has Balaji and Ganesha, Sri Rangantha and Kali, Saligramam and Lingam. They each mean something to both of us. We are Hindus. I try his mom's recipes out. He loves my mother's cooking. We share in our common Indian and American cultures. It hasn't always been easy, but we're building a life together.
My parents were a little hesitant at first, mainly because they hadn't gotten to know him yet. Now, my mom makes his favorite dishes for him. Any qualms they had disappeared with my Chitti's approval. She's a lovely women who had a tough break in life. Her husband, a Brahmin in name only who beat her and drank too much, divorced her when she had two small kids. She lives in India. She met my to-be and flatly told my parents -- doesn't matter what caste he is. He's quality.
As she learnt the hard way, caste doesn't confer quality. Only character does.
Our future children will be of both castes. They can be Iyengars with the Iyengars, and Chettiars with the Chettiars. And with anyone who doesn't mind of caste, they will be Indian, and American. Our partnership in life is 50/50, and so our respective contributions to our little family culture is also equal. Just because I am a woman doesn't mean everything I was before marriage somehow gets "erased." That's stupid. I go with him to his kuladaivam, and he to mine when we visit India.
Some Brahmins will probably treat me and my children as inferior to them, and some Non-Brahmins will probably look on our arrangement as scandalous, but I'm sure Naryana Himself will have a few choice words for them when the time comes, and the rest of the 5 billion people on the planet won't care at all.
Marriage is ALL ABOUT making space for each other in your lives. How willing are you to do this? How willing is your partner? What's more important to you, your parents approval, your communities approval, or the person you want to marry? There's no right answer to this last question. You have to know yourself. Marry if that's what you want, but it should be done without fear or hesitation, otherwise its unfair to your partner. To get your mother's approval, let them meet and get to know one another.
Divisions fall quickly when you get to know the human, and not the label. Half of what one thinks one knows about someone persona is probably wrong, if they are basing it on caste alone.
I'm not going to lie to you here -- without a supportive community, any marriage can become difficult. I'm sure in India some of the difficulty is more pronounced. If you choose to proceed with marriage, you need to find people who support you and surround yourselves with them.
I wish you and your loved ones all the best in life and happiness.
). 
eace:!!
