Women and engineer problem in marriage

[prasad1]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) LinkedIn WhatsApp Email Share Link

In any relationship if the wife does not participate, that relationship will not work. A man has very little impact on family relationship. This is a universal fact in heterosexual society.
Women generally set the tone at home, they interact during cooking, educating Children, religious or social functions at home.
Man still is the main provider, but otherwise does not have much of a say.
If a man can not support his wife (in most of the cases), he is going to have one unhappy married life. If MIL is too strong and son sides with his MIL against DIL, he is in for a sorry state. He may as well make arrangement for a separate household.

 

[Raji Ram]

.......... Even if the mothers keep quiet after marriage, I have seen a few women trying to ignite fire subterraneously and finally end up creating discord between her son and her DIL........... .

Dear Sangom Sir,

I know a very close lady in my in-laws who fits your description fully! You know what happened later? The girl was 'threatened' of a

divorce but she accepted it and got back ALL the expenses for the wedding (about 20 L) from that guy's parents. Soon she got

married to a man of her choice and left for some overseas country! Many girls are very bold sir! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Amala,

The financial independence and the change in social scenario makes the girls go easily for divorce, which is no more

a stigma. I have presented one case in reply to Sangom Sir. You know something dear? If the women of older generation

had this much financial independence and were NOT taught 'kallAnAlum kaNavan; pullAnAlum (fullAnAlum!!) purushan'

and that she has to tolerate her in-laws, the population would have been lesser in Tambrams!

Many mAmis (tambram or not) would have enjoyed freedom too, living alone!! :dance:

 

[renuka]

My colleague then left the gym and then we came to know that the males who are after body-building have to sacrifice one of their important capabilities. You, being a doctor, will possibly know about this better.

Dear Sangom ji,

Nope this is not true...only those who take anabolic steroids to build muscle face this problem.
So what your friend faced was an ED which was not caused by working out in the gym.

The average South Indian male has a ectomorphic skinny fat body...that means a rather puny body with a low percentage of muscle but high percentage of fat with a predisposition to central weight distribution.

Further more the South Indian vegetarian diet is mainly carbohydrate based cos most of Sambars are just watery spiced water with very little dhal in it.

In North the dhall cooked tends to be thicker and hence a higher content of protien.

Excessive in take of curds too only increases body fat.

So going by that your friend would not have gained much muscle but would have worked out too hard to build up his form and coupled with a low protein high carbohydrate diet he would have only got fatigued which would have led him to his ED.

The gym instructor clearly did not know his stuff.

Believe me many gym instructors do not know much.

In fact in the gym I go to..many a times I see them giving wrong instructions to males wanting to lift heavy weights.

They teach wrong breathing techniques..they ask to inhale or even hold the breath when lifting weights!

That is totally wrong cos that increases the intra abdominal pressure and might cause Hernia or back pain.

So many guys were getting back pain in the gym till I told them that before we lift weights..1st take a deep breath..then exhale and as we in the process of exhaling we lift the weights so that there is a negative intra abdominal pressure and hence less risk for hernia and back pain.

So we can never 100% trust gym instructors unless they are trained well especially those who are US trained know their stuff well.

 

[renuka]

Dear Amala,

The financial independence and the change in social scenario makes the girls go easily for divorce, which is no more

a stigma. I have presented one case in reply to Sangom Sir. You know something dear? If the women of older generation

had this much financial independence and were NOT taught 'kallAnAlum kaNavan; pullAnAlum (fullAnAlum!!) purushan'

and that she has to tolerate her in-laws, the population would have been lesser in Tambrams!

Many mAmis (tambram or not) would have enjoyed freedom too, living alone!! :dance:

Dear RR ji,

Being adjustable and have give and take policy is totally different from being subservient.

It is not all about financial independence..it is a matter of dignity and respect that a women needs to get from her marriage that will make her stay.

I am no women lib follower or any Pudumai Penn...I am just myself and would like equal treatment for both males and females.

I do not like the idea of any one dominating the other.

 

[kunjuppu]

PART 2 WEDDING PROPOSALS INDIA

PART 1 WEDDING PROPOSALS INDIA

i tried hard to select a few for recommendations. but each i thought i had a winner, came next, even better

there are no tambrams here, but ...maybe they are, and just giving out northie names eh!!

 

[tbs]

Yes! Because those 'ammALus' are not around any more!

Now, all ammAnjis are disappointed! out:

hi RR madam,

in olden days a lot of AMMANGAS/ ATHANGAS .....so all AMMAANJIS got their ATHANGAS....BUT NOW A DAYS.....NO AMMANGAS/

ATHANAGAS HERE.....so now a days AMMANJIS are unlucky....AMMANGA MEANS MAMA'S DAUGHTER AND ATHANGA

MEANS ATHAI'S DAUGHTER ....permissable in ******* for wedding....

 

[renuka]

Originally Posted by sangom
.......... Even if the mothers keep quiet after marriage, I have seen a few women trying to ignite fire subterraneously and finally end up creating discord between her son and her DIL........... .

Dear Sangom ji,

This is what I would love to call the Reverse Oedipus Complex.

Some women as they age..and menopause sets in and the general Indian mind set that sex is not for old people makes a women crave attention.

So when the MIL is not getting attention from her husband she turns to her son for attention and she views her DIL as a potential rival and causes discord and disharmony...Reverse Oedipus Complex.

In societies where old people still spend sensual time with each other..this problem of MIL DIL is seldom seen.

So for all girls out there..if you are having a problematic trouble causing MIL..most likely the diagnosis is she is not getting enough male attention..so make sure she gets some new attention...get her a Facebook account and let her start chatting with some like minded males or get FIL some aphrodisiac to keep MIL busy...or hope that FIL has an affair so that MIL will be busy fighting with him or better still if MIL has a affair and runs from home!LOL

The key word is keep the MIL busy and life will be peaceful.

 

[sangom]

Dear Sangom ji,

Nope this is not true...only those who take anabolic steroids to build muscle face this problem.
So what your friend faced was an ED which was not caused by working out in the gym.

The average South Indian male has a ectomorphic skinny fat body...that means a rather puny body with a low percentage of muscle but high percentage of fat with a predisposition to central weight distribution.

Further more the South Indian vegetarian diet is mainly carbohydrate based cos most of Sambars are just watery spiced water with very little dhal in it.

In North the dhall cooked tends to be thicker and hence a higher content of protien.

Excessive in take of curds too only increases body fat.

So going by that your friend would not have gained much muscle but would have worked out too hard to build up his form and coupled with a low protein high carbohydrate diet he would have only got fatigued which would have led him to his ED.

The gym instructor clearly did not know his stuff.

Believe me many gym instructors do not know much.

In fact in the gym I go to..many a times I see them giving wrong instructions to males wanting to lift heavy weights.

They teach wrong breathing techniques..they ask to inhale or even hold the breath when lifting weights!

That is totally wrong cos that increases the intra abdominal pressure and might cause Hernia or back pain.

So many guys were getting back pain in the gym till I told them that before we lift weights..1st take a deep breath..then exhale and as we in the process of exhaling we lift the weights so that there is a negative intra abdominal pressure and hence less risk for hernia and back pain.

So we can never 100% trust gym instructors unless they are trained well especially those who are US trained know their stuff well.

Smt. Renuka,

I believe what you write 100%. But there is only one cardinal difference; this colleague of mine was a Christian eating non-veg on most days at least once. Since we used to tour as a team, I can say that sambhar, curds and other similar items were not in his daily menu both at home and during the tours.

I have heard from some other sources (all males, non-medical people) that physical exercises, gym, etc., do good to boys who get into the masturbating habit a bit too much. The reason they used to give is that such physical exercises tend to make the boys' minds and attention less susceptible to sexual inputs.

 

[sangom]

hi
i think there are some responsible TB MIL s in this forum itself....they had tambra DILs too...they can answer for these

generalisation statements....

Dear Shri tbs,

I have not said that each and every tabra woman is a very dangerous type of MIL, but there are a good number, at least it seems to me, who still desire or yearn for a DIL of the old-world type (who can be ordered about and if necessary, found fault with, etc.) just as these same women had it after their marriage; this, even though they know full well that the world has changed topsy-turvy in so far as DILs' status and legal rights are concerned. It does not mean that such persons are not responsible.

Even the "responsible" MILs will not dare to open their mouth as stated by Smt. RR in post # 385, except to their greatest and most trusted and similarly placed MILs. To such confidantes they will usually open out their load of complaints about their DIL but in public, all the women will talk only very approvingly and supportively about their DILs.

 

[Raji Ram]

OMG! Sangom Sir! Please remember that we are living in 21st century.

You are talking about the village type M I L who has had no education and has toiled with household chores

ONLY, day in and day out! They are not existing now, at least in cities. The D I L is given total freedom, since

M I L wants her son to be 'happily married ever after'!! And, 'manaivi amaivadhellAm iRaivan koduththa varam'

holds good even now. If the son is destined to get a loving wife, it is the 'good stars' of his mother too!

In short, "Give respect and don't bother to get respect" is today's formula! :becky:

P.S: niRaiya nalla poNNuga ippavum irukkAnga! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

........... To such confidantes they will usually open out their load of complaints about their DIL but in public, all the women will talk only very approvingly and supportively about their DILs.

Not all women CAN keep secrets! They :gossip:

So they never complain even to the closest friend! :decision:

 

[renuka]

I have heard from some other sources (all males, non-medical people) that physical exercises, gym, etc., do good to boys who get into the masturbating habit a bit too much. The reason they used to give is that such physical exercises tend to make the boys' minds and attention less susceptible to sexual inputs.

Dear Sangom ji,

Exercise releases the feel good hormones (Endorphins) that make us feel good..same hormone is released during any form of self gratification.

But exercise releases a higher quantity of endorphins hence the reason why the boys preferred the gym.

 

[C RAVI]

Folks,

This is my experience - take it for what it is worth, which is offered free.

What Sri Sangom Ji is saying has some truth to it. Let me explain.

I have an elder sister. My Athimbere is a well educated man, lived all over the globe. He used to have a broad world vision, but for some reason has turned towards Purva Mimamsa and orthodoxy. They have two sons. The eldest is a gem of a human being, who adored his parents. They hand picked a girl for him who is highly qualified. Soon after the marriage they moved in with them (despite my considered advice) and almost ruined that marriage. It is not a surprise that DIL does not like her in laws.

They handpicked the second girl for the second son, keeping in mind what they thought were the reasons for their 'mistake' in choosing their eldest DIL. The second DIL is the exact opposite of the first DIL in looks and qualification and background. Guess what? The second DIL does not like them also.

This MIL/DIL relationship is a prime cause of friction in our community, judging from the stories I hear every day, even today.

Dear Sri Ravi Ji, I understand what you are saying. But at the same time we need to ask why so many of our girls choose the 'single' path. I do not think it is for just simply waiting for the 'perfect' match. I think majority of them are caught between modernity and orthodoxy. They don't want to hurt their parents, but at the same time are afraid to get in to some bad marriage that they see happening around them.

This is a revolution of sorts, and in any revolution, the innocents get hurt. This is what is happening to some of our boys, possibly including you.

Regards,
KRS

Shri KRS, What truth are you talking about? What sort of example are you giving?

shall I give you ample examples of MIL's suffering hell in the hands of DIL?? Husbands suffering hell in the hands of Wife, MIL & FIL??

I can understand the predicament the girls are afraid of. There exists such predicament even for men who gonna be husband and ladies who gonna be MIL. How many examples we gonna furnish for would be DIL, would be MIL, would be Husband and would be Wife??


How long human live their life with the fear of possible issues?? Issues in work, issues in personal health, issues in finance, issues in married life, issues with in-laws?? With life full of issue how many humans have gone into salvation??

Does humans stop to operate??

Every one have issues of some sort and all live in hopes, having some or other solutions. Change of job is possible, improvement in health and finance are possible, amicable solution in married life are possible to retain a healthy marriage and legal instruments are available to get divorced and look for possible alternate options and even putting husband/in-laws behind the bars, effectively.

People strive to achieve the best of any given situation that can keep our society healthy as well.


Do you think that TB Girls marrying other caste guys can for sure guarantee them with Fantastic in-laws? Do you feel that other caste's present MIL's never been victim of olden days atrocities of their MIL's and there can be no chance of todays other caste MIL's intended to take revenge on their DIL's?


OK, assuming a girl as per her expectation got an alliance from a guy earning 10 Lakh - 14 Lakh a year (that is around 1 Lakh a month), but have his parents alive, then, will these girls would avoid such an alliance for fear of possible torture by her would be MIL who is eagerly waiting to take revenge on her helpless TB DIL, as claimed by Shri Sangom??

Let me ask one common question - If girls are fearful about the TB MIL's who all are eagerly waiting to torture their TB DIL's and because of this these TB girls are delaying marriage, then, why don't they come up with their requirement that, they are looking for only those Guys whose mother is dead?? OR why they demand that the guy should be max. 2 to 3 years elder to her and earning 10-12 Lakhs a year, no matter how young the guy is??


Sir, its is evident by some of the posts of so called feminists that, they all are trying to justify todays TB girls unreasonable demands and expectation under the pretext of rewarding these girls with the title of "Pudhumai Penn". They are intended to be impressive to these girls and are least bothered about providing right guidance to these girls.

So sad!!

Dear Sir, the crux of the issue is not just innocents getting hurt BUT the issue is something else, revealing the miss guided, miss leaded and ridiculously awarding Pudhumai Penn tittle to unreasonably dreaming and demanding TB girls that gonna steal away the charm of life from these girls themselves and from the TB society.

 

[sangom]

OMG! Sangom Sir! Please remember that we are living in 21st century.

You are talking about the village type M I L who has had no education and has toiled with household chores

ONLY, day in and day out! They are not existing now, at least in cities. The D I L is given total freedom, since

M I L wants her son to be 'happily married ever after'!! And, 'manaivi amaivadhellAm iRaivan koduththa varam'

holds good even now. If the son is destined to get a loving wife, it is the 'good stars' of his mother too!

In short, "Give respect and don't bother to get respect" is today's formula! :becky:

P.S: niRaiya nalla poNNuga ippavum irukkAnga! :thumb:

Not all women CAN keep secrets! They :gossip:

So they never complain even to the closest friend!

Smt. RR,

I find that the second post's content denies that of the first. But I know that more than one tabra woman who confides to my wife regarding their great dissatisfaction and disappointment with their DIL. In some other cases, the elder DIL has suffered while the latest gets all freedom and respect and the fact of MIL confiding to so-and-so comes through the first DIL; the actual complaints do not circulate because women are now careful enough to not divulge such complaints to anyone since it affects them as a class/group. But in this world the DIL's aTTahAsams come out through many sources like servant maid, regular vegetable vendor, close neighbours, Samaiyal mAmi and so on.

You say niRaiya nalla poNNuga ippavum irukkAnga!, but what I find is that many girls today have the "mATTuppoN muRukku" just as the boys used to exhibit "mAppiLLai muRukku" in the previous era. That is why I am stressing the need for the boys in the marriage market and their parents to realize that they will be at the begging or receiving end and they cannot hold on to the old notions of mAppiLLai, piLLaiyAtthukkARA, etc., any longer. In some of the recent tabra marriages, the varan's side was not even invited to the dining hall and the girl's side people started eating the feast; when someone from the boy's side enquired, he was told curtly "you have come knowing very well that you will get free meals here today; then why are you making a fuss? If you want, take meals and go. Did we stop you from eating?"

 

[C RAVI]

OMG! Sangom Sir! Please remember that we are living in 21st century.

You are talking about the village type M I L who has had no education and has toiled with household chores

ONLY, day in and day out! They are not existing now, at least in cities. The D I L is given total freedom, since

M I L wants her son to be 'happily married ever after'!! And, 'manaivi amaivadhellAm iRaivan koduththa varam'

holds good even now.

Absolutely right, Shmt.Raji Ram!!

The attempt here is to twist the crux of the issue and that's the problem.

The ground reality is, no girls are scared of possible Rakshasi MIL's. These girls are smart and equipped enough to cope up with such Rakshasi MIL and know how to make her living with her Jack Pot Husband. If her Jack Pot husband turns out to be hostile towards her being boom boom Maadu of his mother, the girls are ready to kick him out of their life and live in peace thereafter, opting alternate ways if and as possible.

The reality is, many MILs and FILs are in absolute fear!! Fear of being thrown away from their son by their DIL. The world is behind money and luxury and todays boys and girls are chasing such a life as the only way to keep surviving in this fast changing challenging life. Most of these newly married couples are not ready to compromise with their comfort to manage their old parents. Many many MIL's and FILs are just keeping their fingers crossed and hoping to find a peaceful and respectful space in their son's house that can offer them some comfort, love with bondage, charm of living with son, Dil and grand children etc and are whole heartedly ready to extend any help to the couples as possible.

In many homes, these old parents are de facto live in servants, serving the needs of the couple and their children, every day in and day out. That's why many old parents prefer to live alone in their own house OR in old age homes. Also, they can live peacefully in old age homes only and only if they can finance themselves for their respectful dwelling in such old age homes.

Today's TB boys parents are well aware of the changed scenario. They know the power of todays women and their talents, equipped with financial independence and legal assistance at the drop of a hat. Today's TB parents are some how managing and some how bearing the insults and rude behavior of girls parents while seeking alliance ONLY to see that their sons can get married at the right time and lead a family life as suitable to him. There after to live in peace without possible humiliations and suffering in the hands of their DIL/SON.. In previous era, girl's parents were insulted and pained and now its in reverse, which today's guy's parents can understand and bearing the brunt of being parents of a Boy.

What for? In previous era and in current era, all parents want their children to get married and have their own family set up.

The problem is something else, which I have detailed many times. In simple terms, its just a "best deal package" that today's girls are yearning for to feel that YES they are smart girls with ambition towards upward mobility and the ability to achieve something great that they can keep boasting around. If they fail to acquire Jack Pot, they feel they are far better to enjoy their life all alone with all their earnings, the way they want.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Sangom Sir,

I am NOT contradicting myself! There are good girls around who respect the in-laws but they make sure that

their parents are respected by her husband and his parents! This is quite natural. Any woman will not like her

family to be degraded by anyone. If a loving girl comes as D I L, it is the luck of the family. Such girls do exist.

It depends on the way they are brought up. But a wicked M I L can never dream of any love shown by her D I L.

It is rather sad to find that many girls' families do not look for good bringing up of guys but only look at their purse!!

 

[kunjuppu]

personally, i think, the dil mil relationship is mixing oil and water.

my own experience is a good example, of even a silent mother, will find it difficult to live with dil. and i am 64 and of the previous generation.

today i am a fil, and i see, mrs K and my dil, getting along great. mrs K is extremely nice and appreciative of dil. which is responded in kind. the more mature mrs K has always taken the first step towards this warm up, after our son introduced his his future wife couple of years ago.

there is regular communication, as these live in usa. my younger children visit them every other month, and all of them being of the same generation, hit off great with similar lifestyles. i myself would find it hectic, and am perfectly contended, staying at my toronto home, though mrs K makes visits once every 3 months, and the son/dil visit us every 4 months.

all these visits are short and over a weekend.

anything more than this, i am quite sure, would create issues. as sharing the same household space, even with my 2 unmarried grownup children, is problematic. the children, think it is free boarding, lodging, laundering and cleanups. mrs K and self, are getting on in years, and do not have the energy to cater to such anymore.

re the old snapshot of 3 generations living together happily, personally i only have to wonder. if the old man is retired, he is already past his prime, and sitting at home, is nuisance to his wife. if the dil is working, the mil, has to take care of the house, the grand children and the old retired fogey. poooor woman. if i were she, i would opt for the peace of a retirement home, with maintaing ahousehold for just the hubby and herself.

my cousin, in his seventies and wife, recently spent close to a year, in usa, to take care of newly born twin grandchildren. it was very hard he confessed. while on one hand, they could be with their only son, the task of 2 infants, household keep, the vagaries of weather, all added up to a lot of stress. they could not wait to get back to india.

incidentally, here, the dil, who is a rajput, her parents did one shift of 6 months, and told their daughter, they cannot handle it. so i think indian parents go a long way to help out even their grown up kids, who really, i find, are not 'grown up' at all - when it suits them, they depend ontheir parents. otherwise, find them a nuisance.

i am seeing the retirement and old age homes in chennai suburbs - would not mind spending the winters there, for after all, i need is a company of 3 others to play bridge, and mrs K to watch TV, and some books from landmark. and prefer to be a part time grand parent - hold the grand child, pat it a few times, and hand it back to the parents to bring up

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Sangom Sir,

I am NOT contradicting myself! There are good girls around who respect the in-laws but they make sure that

their parents are respected by her husband and his parents! This is quite natural. Any woman will not like her

family to be degraded by anyone. If a loving girl comes as D I L, it is the luck of the family. Such girls do exist.

It depends on the way they are brought up. But a wicked M I L can never dream of any love shown by her D I L.

It is rather sad to find that many girls' families do not look for good bringing up of guys but only look at their purse!!

dear raji,

i think it is not fair for anyone to generalize, goodness or wickedness. it all depends on the circumstances.

you may have a very good dil, but mix her with an old fashioned domineering mil and it wont work out. the bad mil, unfortunately, have historically been true. today's mil, may consider herself, liberal and understanding. but i find, in an indian environment, there is still a degree of possessiveness and sense of entitlement - however much less this may be, compared to the previous generation.

the smart mil of my generation, have learned from their misbehaviour with which they treated their mil. that is what i find, for nowadays, atleast all my generation women, are the sweetest of mils. maybe because, some of them had bad experience, and equal number of them (yes even 25 years ago) inflicted bad experience on their mils.

so, generally, there is an overall improvement in the dil mil relationship, i find. more so, like in the west. even in a tambram stronghold like singapore, i find the times have changed. which is good.

re when i read about the anger registered against indian tambram girls and their parents, i tend to look as to who is making these accusations. these are all unmarried bachelors who are not able to find a wife or their parents. i have to confess, i am reminded of sour grapes. sort of sad, because they are wasting their precious years and seeds, chasing the non existent pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

why should they worry about fat 35 year old tambram spinsters? let them give these tambram girls a big boot, and go after punjabi or pillai girls but caste is too strong a bond and it compels, i think, one to suffer, than find solutions. such is life!!

 

[C RAVI]

Only people who are at receiving end would register the ground reality as it is, in full swing, responsibly and to the point, given a thread topic. The unmarried bachelors or their parents/aunts would do that.

Whether these people give these tambram girls a bog boot or not is a different perspective.

No one gonna sit crying in a corner and grumbling in the forum, without finding their way out.


MIL's having possessiveness on her son and wife having possessiveness on her husband is not uncommon. Both giving tortures to the Guy is also not uncommon (though today it all takes place in a polished and secretive/tactical manner)

It is not that just Boys and Boys parents are behind sticking to their caste. Girls and girls parents as well are sticking to caste, gothram, sub sect etc along side "the best deal package", leaving the girls turned out to be 35+ fat spinster with remote chances of begetting her own natural child.

The issues are not only for the TB boys BUT for such TB girls as well.


1) One father of a 39 years old girl rejected my mom's proposal for her 39 years old son because the gothram is same (Bharadhwaj)

2) One mother of a 36 years old girl rejected the proposal due expecting only a guy from IT industry


3) One mother of a 30 years old girl rejected my friends proposal because he is 4 years elder to her

There are many such rejections from such 30+ fat spinsters side to many guys.


If people say that the parents of these girls are not worried about their unmarried old daughters, then that would be false.

One may reject a proposal and give some lame excuses instead of telling that the boy is not liked by the girl. That's fine!


The thing is, the subject is not just relevant to the angered unmarried TB guys BUT is relevant to the unmarried 30-35+ fat spinsters and many of their helpless and wailing parents as well who can not even register their anger against their daughter as that would probably spoil the image of their eligible girls when parents themselves show their upset on their girls attitude publicly.

We have found many members as parents of boys registering their anguish and concern in different thread category. The thing is, only few people are sparing their time and energy in highlighting these issues, in this Forum.


As a one TB community we should not see this issue as one sided. We should not consider this as issues of two different groups in which one need not to be bothered about the other.

It is the issue of the one community called tambram where people need to be responsibly addressing the issues without splitting the parties into two different segment, irrelevant to each other and making ridiculous generalized accusations.


Truth is bitter and to make it appear sweet, hiding the facts and twisting the case can not serve any purpose to the thread topic.

 

[kunjuppu]

ok, ravi i read your post #420.

what is your solution? it has to be do able and acceptable.

otherwise, all i can say, is no amount of moaning and despairing is going to change the situation. can you come up with something, that solves the problems for the boys? as you yourself said, your brother is 39 and you i think 36 or 37 - it all comes to this right? whether you want to get married or not?

if you insist that you want only a tambram bride, just think it through. what would be the profile of a 30+ spinster, who agrees to marry your brother? is it something that you would like or admire? you can probably guess, that from her early 20s, she has been on the hunt, and to finally pick some one after 10+ years of search - she is compromising, last resort or just needs someone to father a baby.

whatever may be the reason, it is one of fresh bloom and anticipation, because those days have been wasted away, giving priority, to horoscope matching, gothram, caste and what note. precious time, which will never come back - and i blame the parents of the boys for it.

had someone among them, only thought it through, they would have explained and consoled their sons - that what is important is to have a wife, children and enjoy the fruits of a family life. a compatible wife who will make a good companion and mother is what is essential - not a 30+ year spinster with hangups and arrogance, whose apparent only qualification is that she is born a tambram.

now tell me, who is the loser here. the boy? or the girl?i am able to look at from outside, and have a perspective, with a view to a solution. none of the folks, including yourself, have come up with solutions and ways out of this predicament.

i am pretty concerned and anguished when i say this. that much you have to understand and accept. there is not an iota of criticism towards our boys here.

 

[palindrome]

so i think indian parents go a long way to help out even their grown up kids, who really, i find, are not 'grown up' at all - when it suits them, they depend on their parents. otherwise, find them a nuisance.

Indians have grown up with the servant culture.

For all talk, i find no Indian housewife in India did (or does) any household work.

Washing utensils, sweeping, mopping, ironing clothes, dusting and general cleaning is done by the servant.

The housewife only does cooking, gossiping, and some light work around the house. If kids are small, then feeding kids and helping them with homework.

If the servant does not come even for one day, the housewife is full of grumbles.

From observation, i notice Indians from India find it beneath their dignity to do household work. This is especially true for folks currently in 60s and 70s. They naturally find life outside India tough.

It is best if children, once married, run their own household, instead of expecting anything out of their parents.

 

[palindrome]

You are talking about the village type M I L who has had no education and has toiled with household chores ONLY, day in and day out! They are not existing now, at least in cities. The D I L is given total freedom, since M I L wants her son to be 'happily married ever after'!!

In my own family, i happen to see women, well-educated or professionals, retired or nearing retirement, soft-spoken and loving to every single person in the world (except DIL)...but these are very possessive about their son(s). These women make life difficult for the DIL as far as possible (they keep trying to do so every now and then...to see how if they can succeed or how far they can go). When the MIL is uneducated (living in a city though) things get more tough, with barbs, petty talk and putdowns..most often (troubling) the DIL is an entertainment (for them). All this happens, despite the fact they struggled so much to get their son married. This tell me, something is wrong with the psychology of women in a MIL-DIL relationship.

 

[tbs]

Dear Shri tbs,

I have not said that each and every tabra woman is a very dangerous type of MIL, but there are a good number, at least it seems to me, who still desire or yearn for a DIL of the old-world type (who can be ordered about and if necessary, found fault with, etc.) just as these same women had it after their marriage; this, even though they know full well that the world has changed topsy-turvy in so far as DILs' status and legal rights are concerned. It does not mean that such persons are not responsible.

Even the "responsible" MILs will not dare to open their mouth as stated by Smt. RR in post # 385, except to their greatest and most trusted and similarly placed MILs. To such confidantes they will usually open out their load of complaints about their DIL but in public, all the women will talk only very approvingly and supportively about their DILs.

hi sir,
SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI.............means once upon a time the same MIL was also DIL.....

 

[tbs]

HI

This tell me, something is wrong with the psychology of women in a MIL-DIL relationship.

i feel the same...2 men can live happily...but 2 women can't live happily in the same household.....especially

a MIL-DIL relationship...