Women and engineer problem in marriage

[Raji Ram]

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Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Joint family is something rare to find now a days. There is only 'Hi' - 'Bye' relationship between children and

parents. Hope you understand what I mean!! The dependent parents find is very difficult to survive because

they HAVE to be a jAlrA to the supporting son / daughter to live peacefully. My sister-in-law living in the

U S of A 'children sits' even after they are married, to help them maintain the house and cook special dishes

for them. My son makes fun of his athai often! Parents living in India, who are NOT green card holders, should

forget about living with their children for ever! The visit three or four times till the insurance money sores up,

(increases with age!) and are happy to end their life in India. They are glad to have skype chats every week-end!

So, rarely the M I L is with her D I L... Women are mature enough to know that there is no use complaining about

the D I L who visits once a while and spoil the relationship. Those who grumble are the ones who do not have any

hobbies teaching, gardening, travel and writing in our forum

 

[Raji Ram]

My dad used to say often, 'There can not be two mistresses in a house!' How very true!

Some mothers have to live with the daughters in their old age and they want everything to be done according

to their wish! You may find it strange but what I write here is TRUE! And the mother chooses a house in which

the son-in-law does not exist! The daughter is put into lot of mental strain, not able to do anything as per her

decision. Even the menu for lunch and dinner are selected by the mother! What do you say about this?

Mother or mother-in-law, dominating ladies ALWAYS dominate! :whip:

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Joint family is something rare to find now a days. There is only 'Hi' - 'Bye' relationship between children and

parents. Hope you understand what I mean!! The dependent parents find is very difficult to survive because

they HAVE to be a jAlrA to the supporting son / daughter to live peacefully. My sister-in-law living in the

U S of A 'children sits' even after they are married, to help them maintain the house and cook special dishes

for them. My son makes fun of his athai often! Parents living in India, who are NOT green card holders, should

forget about living with their children for ever! The visit three or four times till the insurance money sores up,

(increases with age!) and are happy to end their life in India. They are glad to have skype chats every week-end!

So, rarely the M I L is with her D I L... Women are mature enough to know that there is no use complaining about

the D I L who visits once a while and spoil the relationship. Those who grumble are the ones who do not have any

hobbies teaching, gardening, travel and writing in our forum

dear raji,

as an only son, pushed very hard to succeed, i have often wondered, whether all this was worth the price, especially in terms of my own parents. had they not pushed me, unlike the christians and the non brahmins of my neighbourhood, i would have pretty happy, getting an arts or commerce degree, a bank or accountant job, taking care of my parents and living a contended life.

to me, moving away from india, came so much as opportunities as sensitivities. these sensitivies were developed, solely due to my mother's push - towards the need to come first in class (otherwise we will starve (?), speak english, do so good to show up to the rich relations..etc etc..)

had mom thought through all this, basically an ordinary guy like me, would have ended up in madras, or at the most bangalore, in a management job and retired by now. but things turned out different, and i think, in the overall, the sufferers were my parents, who became victims of my success and their need to show me off.

i live in canada, where i could bring my parents with no difficulty. but dad was so sick with parkinsons, that he (rightfully) decided to ignore the landed immigrant status given to him and preferred to spend his days in india. mom came to live with me, and faced all the hardships, of a transplanted alien lonely culture, a loneliness out of widowhood, a son who basically was a stranger as i left home after high school and never went back, and an indifferent dil.

she lacked the companionship of a daughter sister friend and such. i forced her to stay for 3 years, to get a canadian citizenship, only because if she got sick, i will not need to rush back to india. the health care here in canada is free and good.

but she never liked it here. true to her wishes she died in india. but i always have a sorrow, because, once you leave india, most of us, cannot go back. we lose the skillsets needed to survive in india, very quickly. and...so on. i have told my story several times.

my own views were liberal and forward when i was young, close to periyar, except for the atheism. i believed in equality of women and no caste. my children, had they been brought up in, ie sons, particularly, i feel confident, that i would have encouraged them, to marry a hindu, regardless of caste or language or region. and that includes the dalits.

my children here, have been taught to be hindus, without caste. but they will marry someone of their own choice, but will not give up their identity and convert. to me, that is important.

because, i think, the biggest crime, our community is doing in india, is destroying our own vamsam. to many parents of boys, it is marriage to a brahmin girl or nothing. they are willing to destroy their own vamsam, for intense caste feelings. much like the gotterdamerung principle of hitler - if the germans cannot be the rulers, the germans are better off by self destruction and suicides.

contrast this to the muslims - who have made it a policy, to enlarge their numbers, whether it be in india or europe. so that they are leaving behind an ஆயிரங்காலத்துப்பயிறு with still having large families. as a community sometimes i think, we should focus on atleast replacing ourselves in this planet. for that to happen, we need more than 2 children per family. how many of us can claim to have it.

ps..i have done my share..3 children..wanted 4 but fate would have it otherwise.

 

[kunjuppu]

My dad used to say often, 'There can not be two mistresses in a house!' How very true!

Some mothers have to live with the daughters in their old age and they want everything to be done according

to their wish! You may find it strange but what I write here is TRUE! And the mother chooses a house in which

the son-in-law does not exist! The daughter is put into lot of mental strain, not able to do anything as per her

decision. Even the menu for lunch and dinner are selected by the mother! What do you say about this?

Mother or mother-in-law, dominating ladies ALWAYS dominate! :whip:

dear raji,

it is said, and i have said it before, that the mother daughter bond is the strongest bond between two humans.

they can fight tooth and nail, but make up for it the next moment. it doesnt stick. but i would like to qualify that.

there are mothers who have not grown up. and they make life hell for their daughters with whom they live, only because unlike the dil, the daughter does not have the heart to throw the mother out.

sometimes life is so difficult raji... whichever way one approaches it..


God Bless.

 

[Raji Ram]

......... ps..i have done my share..3 children..wanted 4 but fate would have it otherwise.

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

You live in Canada. Indian schools are expensive and my friend told me that to get admission in a reputed school for her

grandson, just two and half years old, a bribe of one lakh each to three committee members was demanded in addition to

a donation of one lakh to the school and an annual fee of about 80K!! How does anyone think to have even two children?

 

[Raji Ram]

............ there are mothers who have not grown up. and they make life hell for their daughters with whom they live, only because unlike the dil, the daughter does not have the heart to throw the mother out..........

You said it, Sir!! :clap2:

 

[tbs]

hi sir,

sometimes life is so difficult raji... whichever way one approaches it..

nice words....its true....its reality too...

 

[sangom]

Indians have grown up with the servant culture.

For all talk, i find no Indian housewife in India did (or does) any household work.

Washing utensils, sweeping, mopping, ironing clothes, dusting and general cleaning is done by the servant.

The housewife only does cooking, gossiping, and some light work around the house. If kids are small, then feeding kids and helping them with homework.

If the servant does not come even for one day, the housewife is full of grumbles.

From observation, i notice Indians from India find it beneath their dignity to do household work. This is especially true for folks currently in 60s and 70s. They naturally find life outside India tough.

It is best if children, once married, run their own household, instead of expecting anything out of their parents.

Palindrome,

I cannot talk in very general terms because what I know is about a microcosm of Indian society only. From my life's experiences I remember my maternal grandmother doing almost all kinds of household chores. Of course there were two families (comprising 6 women and two menfolk) of servants at the command but since we were then bound very very strictly by the rules of AcAram, maDi, Suddham, etc., hardly any work could be performed by the lower caste servants if it concerned the kitchen, eating items, pooja and so on. Many rules had to be strictly obeyed.

My grandmother would boil the paddy grains after harvest and spread them in special kind of bamboo mats in the sun. The dried grain can be collected and deposited in the barn by servant and it can be dehusked also by the servant maids but my grandmother will always be present and pound the paddy as one among those servants (taking care that she does not touch any one or their clothes) to see that much is not lost as broken rice. The processed rice once inside the house became shuddham. The servant would sweep the large compound of about 40 cents of land around the house but all sweeping and moping inside the house had to be done by our own women only.

My mother, I think in retrospect, was a sort of pet child for her parents because both her siblings died. She possibly made use of this and evaded work as far as possible.

After the death of my maternal grandfather, our family came to a financial crisis stage and we migrated to Trivandrum, a town with brahmin agraharams. Here also my grandmother continued to bear the entire work load of the house; by then we were so poor that we had no servant at all. When my grandmother died in a small-pox epidemic, my elder sister took over the household chores but then my mother just could not keep away and so she also started doing some part of the house work.

The tabra women in the agraharam were generally hardworking because the religious do's & don'ts prevented them from making the servants do any work inside the house including cleaning of the vessels.

It is only later on that all such do's & don'ts were given the go-by and servants and cooks started doing almost all the work. Still, even now, this does not apply to the vast majority of households in rural India and the poorer homes in the cities and metros. Those people (housewives) toil hard throughout the day. The gender equality, woman's empowerment etc., have not yet reached them.

It is the traditionally rich, the nouveaux riche and the upper middle class born out of the IT boom who have idle housewives with the workshop as per the adage.

 

[C RAVI]

Palindrome,


The tabra women in the agraharam were generally hardworking because the religious do's & don'ts prevented them from making the servants do any work inside the house including cleaning of the vessels.

It is only later on that all such do's & don'ts were given the go-by and servants and cooks started doing almost all the work. Still, even now, this does not apply to the vast majority of households in rural India and the poorer homes in the cities and metros. Those people (housewives) toil hard throughout the day. The gender equality, woman's empowerment etc., have not yet reached them.

It is the traditionally rich, the nouveaux riche and the upper middle class born out of the IT boom who have idle housewives with the workshop as per the adage.

Very true!!

 

[C RAVI]

ok, ravi i read your post #420.

what is your solution? it has to be do able and acceptable.

Many thread topics are started and posts are made to express views and concern. I don't think any topic on discussion so for was aimed at deriving the best possible solution to the satisfaction of all and as such solutions were derived. This thread is one among many such threads and people are expressing their views.

otherwise, all i can say, is no amount of moaning and despairing is going to change the situation. can you come up with something, that solves the problems for the boys? as you yourself said, your brother is 39 and you i think 36 or 37 - it all comes to this right? whether you want to get married or not?

moaning and despairing though not gonna change anything, people tend to express to the level best possible to the extent they could know and understand. This is the case with every thread topic in this forum.

Like other threads, this thread also found to be moaning and despairing ONLY because people tend to respond to each and every post in their own style, own examples and as per their own convictions. This kindles the need to respond to the posts in each poster. That is all!!


Social issues can not be solved by One Person. Even jointly not possible in forum like this where people are intended only to express their concern and voice their views. And the expressions stretches a lot based on responses made.

This problem is for many many unmarried guys in tambram society. Probably we TB guys believe in self respect, self dignity and satisfaction only in sticking to the same community, especially when TB guys are looked upon differently by other community. Only in remote cases TB guys fall in love with a girl of other caste/religion and in such cases the guy's ultimate goal is to live for ever with a girl he loves, as basic human instinct of a compassionate and honest humans.

if you insist that you want only a tambram bride, just think it through. what would be the profile of a 30+ spinster, who agrees to marry your brother? is it something that you would like or admire? you can probably guess, that from her early 20s, she has been on the hunt, and to finally pick some one after 10+ years of search - she is compromising, last resort or just needs someone to father a baby.

People learn lessons from their life. And, after certain period of time try to find some happiness by making compromises whole heartedly. A girl once decides to marry and have her family would certainly do justice to her decisions. I have strong belief in that.

Most of the humans prefer not to give up and are unable to see the value of time within which one's phases of life and physical status are confined. They fail to realizing the pleasures and happiness that each phases of organized living as a family can offer. All that is prioritized are to strive to make the dreams come true. So, there is no issue if such old girls who all could not achieve their dreams at the right age, mellow down as they grow and maturely decide to get settled in life before its too too late.


Neither 30-35+ unmarried guys are all Manmatha Rasas with 6ft. height, flat stomach, young looking face, head full of hairs.

When both are in that shape and order, there shouldn't (in most cases would not be) any inclination towards catchy/captivating/lust full physical attractions, being grown up a lot, mentally.

whatever may be the reason, it is one of fresh bloom and anticipation, because those days have been wasted away, giving priority, to horoscope matching, gothram, caste and what note. precious time, which will never come back - and i blame the parents of the boys for it.

The same is the case with the unmarried girls/girls parents, who all are still spinsters at their age of 30-35+ age, expecting a "beast deal package" only from a Brahmin guy. You could believe it or not, that's the fact.

had someone among them, only thought it through, they would have explained and consoled their sons - that what is important is to have a wife, children and enjoy the fruits of a family life. a compatible wife who will make a good companion and mother is what is essential - not a 30+ year spinster with hangups and arrogance, whose apparent only qualification is that she is born a tambram.

The same reply as the above.

A girl too wants respect and protection in society. Her own family with legally wedded husband and children. Their parents certainly need that for their daughters. They should have married off their daughter to a guy from any caste at the right age rather getting them married to an older TB guy with a bald/semi bald head and making their daughters undergo physical complications.


I am not replying in tit-for-tat fashion, raising fingers exclusively against girls and girls parents. The point is, both the parties wish to stick to their caste, hoping to find one from the same caste so that the couples can live without much issues related to caste and child upbringing, having settled in a caste ridden Indian Society.

Unfortunately, the unreasonable, dreamy expectations of girls with their own confused minds and that of confusing and misleading minds of others have created issues for the girls themselves and for the guys.

now tell me, who is the loser here. the boy? or the girl?i am able to look at from outside, and have a perspective, with a view to a solution. none of the folks, including yourself, have come up with solutions and ways out of this predicament.

Both the parties are the losers. Such 30-35+ unmarried girls are no better in position than the guys.

None of them could have the solutions. Girls are into making their unreasonable demands, expectations and dreams come true which guys could not cope up/accept.

And both the parties wish to stick to their own caste. Either on their own or as per the expectations of their parents.

i am pretty concerned and anguished when i say this. that much you have to understand and accept. there is not an iota of criticism towards our boys here.

I believe in your above statement.

 

[kunjuppu]

ravi,

re #435.

i read you. i read your anguish. i share it to an extent.

but dear ravi, i beg to differ from you re conclusions.

i think the boys are the losers. you see only boys moaning and groaning here and in other forums. you see only boys' parents complaining about the 'unreasonableness' of the girls' families, parents and themselves - unreal expectations judging from an historical viewpoint.

actually i am suprised, that these days, the vast majority of girls' families still agree to foot the wedding expenses.

but have you seen one girl or one girls' parents complaining or beating their breast about their situations. they appear to cope with it and accept the outcomes of their decisions.

it is the boys who are the losers, because they did not call the shots. they became victims due to many many factors discussed here. the net result is that we have a whole generation dying away - all because the boys' parents have drilled it into their heads, that 'it is tambram girl or nothing' - when there is no such girl left or available or what is available and acquired would be but a pyrrhic victory.

sad to say, but i think, if one casts away ego and caste prejudice, one will find what i say is a fact. and true too. if one cannot call the shots, it is best one moves along with changing times. i think so.

 

[sangom]

ravi,

re #435.

i read you. i read your anguish. i share it to an extent.

but dear ravi, i beg to differ from you re conclusions.

i think the boys are the losers. you see only boys moaning and groaning here and in other forums. you see only boys' parents complaining about the 'unreasonableness' of the girls' families, parents and themselves - unreal expectations judging from an historical viewpoint.

actually i am suprised, that these days, the vast majority of girls' families still agree to foot the wedding expenses.

but have you seen one girl or one girls' parents complaining or beating their breast about their situations. they appear to cope with it and accept the outcomes of their decisions.

it is the boys who are the losers, because they did not call the shots. they became victims due to many many factors discussed here. the net result is that we have a whole generation dying away - all because the boys' parents have drilled it into their heads, that 'it is tambram girl or nothing' - when there is no such girl left or available or what is available and acquired would be but a pyrrhic victory.

sad to say, but i think, if one casts away ego and caste prejudice, one will find what i say is a fact. and true too. if one cannot call the shots, it is best one moves along with changing times. i think so.

Though I do not suggest IC or IR marriage as the immediate solution to the problem faced by boys in the tabra community today, I will put forward the following suggestions for the boys and their parents:

• We know today, as the OP itself hints at, that only some boys within a narrow band-width are lucky; btw, I see boys with C.A. qualification and salaried jobs in company/bank getting married at a very young age (25-26). In one case, I even enquired whether it was a love or pre-arranged by elders (i.e., athankar, ammankar etc.) and found that the two parties had been strangers till the alliance took place.
• The parents of a boy will know whether their son is bright, studious, good-looking, having a good physique or interested in one, etc., etc., even by the time he is 18-20. They (the parents) should then itself consult a good astrologer as to whether their boy's marriage will be delayed, etc. If the answer is positive, they should think of IC marriage from then itself.
• Even when it finally happens to be IC, the boy's parents should arrange for the newly married couple to stay separately and allow the couple to plan and shape their married life according to their mutual likes and dislikes. In effect the parents should behave as though their son is just a third person adult like a neighbour. The possessiveness often found in our tabra circles towards sons should be completely eschewed.
• If the boy's parents are too poor that they have to depend on him for their old age and the son does not earn sufficiently well to maintain a good enough household for himself and also to give financial assistance of some reasonable level to his parents, it is better for the family to forget about getting their son married. They should be happy of the fact that an unmarried man has much less problems in our society whereas an unmarried woman has the risk of being molested or raped at any age.

Girls have a reason, I think, for their postponing marriage indefinitely. To me it appears that over generations their individuality has been suppressed and so even today's girls do not need male company so acutely as the boys become desperate for a female company and sexual satisfaction without much of a delay, as far as the boys are concerned. These girls who have been waiting or are even now waiting for the best package deal, do not feel desperate or cheated of life's essence etc., just because they refused to get married at the age of 23 to 27 or 28. Since most of such girls are well-employed and earn well, as their age advances, their financial position becomes stronger and stronger and this alone gives them enough courage to further wait for their best deal package; in the meanwhile, with their solid financial position they are able to satisfy many of their dreams like owning a very good house/flat, visiting places within our country and abroad, holidaying for weeks in exotic foreign locations, visiting exciting locales like Las Vegas, etc.

If these girls are unable to get pregnant in the natural way, they do try other available medical ways and, if these also fail, they adopt children. In the final analysis I find from a few such old spinsters that they just don't regret their late marriage or even their failure to get married. I have yet to find the parents of girls really worried about their daughter having not got married, though they may make some proper noises when they are among conservative company. What I say applies to well-earning girls; may be parents of girls with small incomes feel differently. In short, parents have come to look upon their daughters in the same way as they look at their sons — she is earning well, is well-qualified and will not have to depend on other relatives' kindness for her livelihood, and so on. Marriage and a husband to be the guardian and protector, etc., have been relegated to the background.

Since this seems to be the reality, I think it is better for all of us to accept it, although, as an elderly person belonging to the earlier generations I am not personally happy about such changes. Again, this is just the immediate reaction to the very recent empowerment of women, the idea of gender equality which is gaining more and more publicity now, and the IT boom which enabled many, many girls to be employed on fabulous salaries, etc. All these will change and may be after a few years, some kind of equilibrium will be regained.

Some unfortunate cases of boys being unable to find a mate will be there during such time. But it is inevitable. Such boys should consider whether they will still go in only for a tabra girl or will relax their choice to IC or IR marriages; the only other alternative is to remain unmarried because girls cannot be artificially manufactured!!

 

[C RAVI]

ravi,

re #435.

i read you. i read your anguish. i share it to an extent.

but dear ravi, i beg to differ from you re conclusions.

i think the boys are the losers....

Shri Kunjuppu, If you say that only the unmarried boys are the losers and not the girls who remain unmarried at their age of 30-35+, then what can I say? You are much elder to me and certainly you must be right. If what you said is the truth, I am happy.

you see only boys moaning and groaning here and in other forums. you see only boys' parents complaining about the 'unreasonableness' of the girls' families, parents and themselves.....

So, just because we could not find girls parents moaning and groaning about not getting their ideal Mappillai for their 30-35+ unmarried daughters, you could conclude that such older unmarried girls and their parents are happy?

but have you seen one girl or one girls' parents complaining or beating their breast about their situations. they appear to cope with it and accept the outcomes of their decisions.

Yes, I haven't seen girls or one girl's parents complaining or beating their breast about the situation in Forums like this. But have come across some parents in my social circle hinting about their daughters demands + age difference in a polished manner.

When hell lots of decently educated and employed guys are around as singles, can the girl's parents complain about impossibility of getting their daughters married, when their expectation are high, though the standard of the girl is as same as the guy's?

it is the boys who are the losers, because they did not call the shots. they became victims due to many many factors discussed here. the net result is that we have a whole generation dying away - all because the boys' parents have drilled it into their heads, that 'it is tambram girl or nothing'...

Then who are those plenty of unmarried girls at their age of 30-35+? Winners? LOL!!

Why these girls fail to call the shots at the right time, before its too late?

If girl's parents have Not drilled it into their heads that "its tambram guy or nothing", then why they still are unmarried at their age of 30-35+ and still are appearing in Matrimonial sites, indicating that they need only a Brahmin Guy?

sad to say, but i think, if one casts away ego and caste prejudice, one will find what i say is a fact. and true too. if one cannot call the shots, it is best one moves along with changing times. i think so.

True!! Applicable to both boys and girls of tambrams.

 

[kunjuppu]

dear ravi,

you would notice that i did not parse your postings - because one can parse and come to any conclusions they wish. you have missed the essence of what i am trying to say ie save your life and make something out of it.

i think you have missed the whole point and gist of my note - you still haven't given a solution. are you abandoning yourself to eternal bachelorhood?

enough said. God Bless.

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri C.Ravi Ji,

I just saw this. Sorry if my post was offending - I just posted something that I have observed, that's all.

As I have already stated this 'unable to find a partner' in our community breaks my heart.

I can only pray that in life you get what you seek and be content and happy.

Regards,
KRS

Shri KRS, What truth are you talking about? What sort of example are you giving?

shall I give you ample examples of MIL's suffering hell in the hands of DIL?? Husbands suffering hell in the hands of Wife, MIL & FIL??

I can understand the predicament the girls are afraid of. There exists such predicament even for men who gonna be husband and ladies who gonna be MIL. How many examples we gonna furnish for would be DIL, would be MIL, would be Husband and would be Wife??


How long human live their life with the fear of possible issues?? Issues in work, issues in personal health, issues in finance, issues in married life, issues with in-laws?? With life full of issue how many humans have gone into salvation??

Does humans stop to operate??

Every one have issues of some sort and all live in hopes, having some or other solutions. Change of job is possible, improvement in health and finance are possible, amicable solution in married life are possible to retain a healthy marriage and legal instruments are available to get divorced and look for possible alternate options and even putting husband/in-laws behind the bars, effectively.

People strive to achieve the best of any given situation that can keep our society healthy as well.


Do you think that TB Girls marrying other caste guys can for sure guarantee them with Fantastic in-laws? Do you feel that other caste's present MIL's never been victim of olden days atrocities of their MIL's and there can be no chance of todays other caste MIL's intended to take revenge on their DIL's?


OK, assuming a girl as per her expectation got an alliance from a guy earning 10 Lakh - 14 Lakh a year (that is around 1 Lakh a month), but have his parents alive, then, will these girls would avoid such an alliance for fear of possible torture by her would be MIL who is eagerly waiting to take revenge on her helpless TB DIL, as claimed by Shri Sangom??

Let me ask one common question - If girls are fearful about the TB MIL's who all are eagerly waiting to torture their TB DIL's and because of this these TB girls are delaying marriage, then, why don't they come up with their requirement that, they are looking for only those Guys whose mother is dead?? OR why they demand that the guy should be max. 2 to 3 years elder to her and earning 10-12 Lakhs a year, no matter how young the guy is??


Sir, its is evident by some of the posts of so called feminists that, they all are trying to justify todays TB girls unreasonable demands and expectation under the pretext of rewarding these girls with the title of "Pudhumai Penn". They are intended to be impressive to these girls and are least bothered about providing right guidance to these girls.

So sad!!

Dear Sir, the crux of the issue is not just innocents getting hurt BUT the issue is something else, revealing the miss guided, miss leaded and ridiculously awarding Pudhumai Penn tittle to unreasonably dreaming and demanding TB girls that gonna steal away the charm of life from these girls themselves and from the TB society.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Sri C.Ravi Ji,

I just saw this. Sorry if my post was offending - I just posted something that I have observed, that's all.

As I have already stated this 'unable to find a partner' in our community breaks my heart.

I can only pray that in life you get what you seek and be content and happy.

Regards,
KRS

Shri KRS,

Not at all your post was offending to me. Really!!!

I know you expressed what you felt and that indeed gave me a chance to express many thing in detail.

Thank you for your love and blessing, Shri.KRS.

 

[C RAVI]

dear ravi,

you would notice that i did not parse your postings - because one can parse and come to any conclusions they wish. you have missed the essence of what i am trying to say ie save your life and make something out of it.

i think you have missed the whole point and gist of my note - you still haven't given a solution. are you abandoning yourself to eternal bachelorhood?

enough said. God Bless.

Shri Kunujuppy,

I have grasped the essence of your messages. That's why I fully agreed with your concluding statement in your post no.436, stating - "sad to say, but i think, if one casts away ego and caste prejudice, one will find what i say is a fact. and true too. if one cannot call the shots, it is best one moves along with changing times. i think so.". I agree that this is what may be actual need of the hour for both guys and gals.

Regarding solution for myself and many of unmarried TB guys in their age of 30-35+, I have expressed my views in my post no.435. I shall repeat the same -

"This problem is for many many unmarried guys in tambram society. Probably we TB guys believe in self respect, self dignity and satisfaction only in sticking to the same community, especially when TB guys are looked upon differently by other community. Only in remote cases TB guys fall in love with a girl of other caste/religion and in such cases the guy's ultimate goal is to live for ever with a girl he loves, as basic human instinct of a compassionate and honest humans."


More over, Sir, NB girls are not yearning to marry a TB guy, given the political status of Brahmin Community/Reservations etc. As well, they could easily get guys from their own specific caste. Most of all, they also take pride in their caste and stick to it for, like all community people they too look for possible comfort and easiness in their marriage life. At the most they would easily go for another Caste of the same NB community.

I may end up abandoning myself to eternal bachelorhood. I don't know!! By the by, all my time and energy that I have spent to register my views and concern in this thread were not just my personal wailing. They are all focused on the prevailing TB marriage market issues that bothers me a lot, considering unmarried guys and gals at their age of 30-35+.

Unfortunately many member feel that, I am focused on grumbling, wailing and screaming either to vent my frustration or to achieve some personal benefit. LOL!!

My concern is considering the TB community and its unmarred guys and girls who all probably gonna end up forcing themselves attaining eternal bachelorhood/spinsterhood.


Anyways Sir, thank you very much for your blessings as you ever do.

 

[renuka]

From what I can make out in posts here it seems to be that guys are more interested in marriage or rather really can not wait to get married and girls are cool and not so desperate!LOL

When I got married I was aged 29.

It was my father that was getting worked up and I was cool but getting a little uneasy that my father was pressurizing me to get married.

So I can safely say that to a great extent I got married cos I was getting sick and tired of parental pressure...it was not as if I was "dying" to get married etc.

I never felt the biological clock of "OMG I need to have a baby" ticking.

When I joined internship my 1st posting was in Obstetrics and Gyanecology and work started daily at 6am to 12 midnight and sometimes 6am till 6am the next day...

So imagine conducting deliveries non stop for 4 months was enough to kill anyone's desire to get married or to have a kid.

Pregnancy is not a beautiful sight as most commonly thought cos all others get to see is a pregnant lady with a cute maternity dress but what a doctor gets to see is what is beneath the dress.

So you see I was not too bothered about marriage and I was also thinking if I don't meet Mr Right by 30 I might just not think of getting married cos if I want to have a kid I would only have 1 child and that too before age of 30.

This was my plan...so if that plan worked out it was fine but if it did not work out then I had programmed my mind that there is a possibility to remain single.

So I feel why get so worked up if we can not get married??

We have to live each day as it comes and instead of being single and keep lamenting about it why dont singles just try to be happy doing something worth while.

Girls are more "cool" than guys in the sense that we dont get so worked up like guys.

 

[renuka]

After many years of being married..I feel the best is for a girl/boy to stay a comfortable distance from both her/his own Mother and Mother In Law.

No 2 women can see eye to eye on a long term basis.

The Mother Daughter relationship is one of the most undefined relationship in the world..they can fight and make up the next moment and then fight again but after a while that also becomes boring and a mother also tries to influence her daugther's marriage by imposing her ideas on the marriage.

MIL- DIL also an undefined relationship...which most of the while is just fake.

Some MIL DIL might not fight with each other but even then each are viewing each other with Zoom 200% for faults.

So it is not worth it spending our lives trying to please MIL or own Mother for the matter.

MIL's can even be pest to Sons In Laws too.

Women as they age become like a hard to please Demi God that can take Dashavatars and put even Kamal Hassan's acting to shame.

So almost every women will face this as they age...there is no escape.

Menopause makes a woman want to be the Matriarch Alpha Female.

One has to be honest and admit and realize this fact...so woman should be responsible to withdraw from their children's life once their children get married.


Just like a responsible Were Wolf would have a faithful servant to lock him up in a dungeon during a full moons night so that he does not kill others.....So find a place far enough so that we do not bother our children or Daughter In Law or Son In Law.


In fact I might actually Tattoo this fact on my arm in case as I age I become ala Ghajini and have short term memory!LOL

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

In tambram community, the previous generations had the age difference between couple from 6 - 11 (even more)

normally and 3 - 5 occasionally. Not many women went for jobs even though well educated. They could find more

educated men as partners and stayed as home makers! Today's life is different. More than 4 years of difference is

considered as 'generation gap'! So, girls stay cool even after 30 whereas boys are afraid that they may not get a

girl in early twenties if they hit 30. (Most of the guys think that a girl looses her charm when she crosses 25!) And,

since girls are all educated and earn well, they seldom bother about getting married till late 20s.

 

[Raji Ram]

My friend's daughter, an 'engineeri' got married to a renowned doctor who earns 1.5 L per month. She left her job

when she was pregnant. Now her baby boy goes to play school and she wants her parents to relocate to a house

near hers to take care of her son so that she can find a new job! Her mom refused since she has her own house

far away from her daughter's and is busy learning slOkAs and classical music (from me!). So mothers also wish to

stay away from daughter / Son in law!! :bolt:

 

[C RAVI]

My friend's daughter, an 'engineeri' got married to a renowned doctor who earns 1.5 L per month. She left her job

when she was pregnant. Now her baby boy goes to play school and she wants her parents to relocate to a house

near hers to take care of her son so that she can find a new job! Her mom refused since she has her own house

far away from her daughter's and is busy learning slOkAs and classical music (from me!). So mothers also wish to

stay away from daughter / Son in law!! :bolt:

Shmt Raji Ram,

I am posting this, awaiting such a post from some member.

Let me tell you why Mother-Daughter relationship is blissful, giving eternal happiness?

Daughters need the mother to help in her family in all ways and means. Taking care of her children, entertaining them, doing house hold chores, cooking etc..etc so that the daughter can go to work and even if she herself is a house wife. Well to do husbands would resist wife going to work so that she can take care of house and nurture the children properly with care and concern OR in other cases the husband requires wife too to work and earn to shoulder financial responsibilities. In both the cases taking care of home and taking care of children are of prime importance.

If both goes to work, then how the home and the children can be managed? The best way is to have MIL at home who can be doing her best part with all her habitual household chores for years from her old generation and taking care of the grand children out of her love and care. The question is which MIL?

If its Wife's mother, the wife would not take a chance of kicking her mother out because she can't have the same kind of liberty, domination, flexibility etc over her MIL.

Thus, she got to amicably sort out differences with her mother and keep going to keep receiving all her mother's sincere and honest efforts in taking care of her home and children.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Ravi,

My friend is not willing to help her daughter! She wants to continue with her new found interests!

What I find now a days is that mothers do not like to help daughters, knowing that they are coaxed

by the daughters only to extract work!

Ram's cousin's daughter who is a home maker finds it difficult to run behind her little daughter, who

is going to be 2 years soon and has put her in two different play schools so that the kid will be away

from home for about seven hours per day! This is because her parents refused to take care of the kid!

This might be called as mother's lib!? eace:

 

[Raji Ram]

Young and active toddlers are put to great task because they hardly get the mother's love they need then!

If a home maker finds it difficult to take care of her kid, I do not know what to say about these girls!

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Ravi,

My friend is not willing to help her daughter! She wants to continue with her new found interests!

What I find now a days is that mothers do not like to help daughters, knowing that they are coaxed

by the daughters only to extract work!

Ram's cousin's daughter who is a home maker finds it difficult to run behind her little daughter, who

is going to be 2 years soon and has put her in two different play schools so that the kid will be away

from home for about seven hours per day! This is because her parents refused to take care of the kid!

This might be called as mother's lib!? eace:

LOL!! True.

My mother is very particular about her "Mother's liberty". She willingly does a lot as possible to her BUT can't tolerate orders, instructions and force.