Women and engineer problem in marriage

[XLR8R]

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Sorry for dividing my posts, I am coming back after a long time, so please excuse me

If according to pretty much all the moaners in this site, the tabra girls don't want tabra boys

Actually, tabra girls have preconceived notions and so do tabra boys. It's actually not like that, both need to start mutual dialogue and show each other that things aren't what they perceive and that the community and the boys are changing now.

Also, if the boys have no luck, they should actually try their luck at love. It does work at least sometimes.

In addition, one of my close colleagues thought that he should improve his physique and joined a gym way back in the 1960's. He was already married then. He however found that his 'performance' was deteriorating and asked the gym instructor, who replied that all attempts to increase the muscles will result in lower libido and less number and less powerful erections. My colleague then left the gym and then we came to know that the males who are after body-building have to sacrifice one of their important capabilities. You, being a doctor, will possibly know about this better.​

Let's add another dimension to this: Too much libido and too much exercise = increased hair fall if you already suffer from male pattern baldness

If most women knew this fact, would they really go for the well built guy (let's forget love in this scenario)?

The mother dictates that she would have only a tabra dil whom she will take revenge [COLOR=#DA7911 !important]on for all

the sufferings which she (the mother) herself suffered at the hands of her mil.

What?

Okay, thankfully this is not there in my family. Yes there are a few fights but they have all ended amicably

All this discussion about TB guys and their parents and TB girls leaves me wondering whether even a love marriage is feasible with a TB girl, especially someone who is not a "proper", "typical" or "strict" TB like I am.

Why don't TB boys bin the TB girls and look elsewhere?

Because, I guess they want the survival of their community/culture/tradition/food habits and it is far easier to do that marrying a TB girl than a non-TB girl, in which case they stand the chance of being absorbed into other communities. Though, I do think boys should start considering non-TB girls and pan-Brahmin marriages.

Now, the guys have to behave well because they will face a divorce otherwise! Got it??

The flip side of this is that really nice guys who don't know about the past are mistreated as they are assumed to continue the "typicality" and bad practices of the past. Though not speaking specifically about TBs, I can say I have faced this situation, though resolved amicably later but still left a lot of hurt in the heart

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We have only education, women's lib and the vote thrust upon us to blame. Nothing else to say.​

No, it is the upbringing. Though we are trying to give women equality, we are not trying to remove "gender roles" and these are still assumed and taught to kids by their families. When this goes away, things will stabilize. It will take 1-2 generations at least though. Both boys and girls need a different upbringing that instills into them what equality truly means, not "I earn, she earns but you are supposed to get groceries while she is supposed to cook"


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[XLR8R]

it is the boys who are the losers, because they did not call the shots. they became victims due to many many factors discussed here. the net result is that we have a whole generation dying away - all because the boys' parents have drilled it into their heads, that 'it is tambram girl or nothing' - when there is no such girl left or available or what is available and acquired would be but a pyrrhic victory.

There is a way. If one is unmarried and has money, one can adopt a child and raise him/her without all these petty prejudices. Over time, they will make an impact. Not to mention you'll be doing a good thing for some kids. It's what I plan to do if I end up not getting married.

So, girls stay cool even after 30 whereas boys are afraid that they may not get a

girl in early twenties if they hit 30.

Actually, my worry is to find a girl older than me when I am ready for marriage (be that at 23, 25, 27, 29 or 30+)

 

[Raji Ram]

Actually, my worry is to find a girl older than me when I am ready for marriage (be that at 23, 25, 27, 29 or 30+)

Not to worry! Girls who are 26 years old want grooms in the age group of 24 to 28.

 

[Raji Ram]

Sorry for dividing my posts, I am coming back after a long time, so please excuse me .........

No problem! We need not read cascade of posts from you!

 

[Haridasa Siva]

Women also seem to be having problem though of different kind.

Women Deliver unaware of charges against Kurien | The Hindu

 

[rishikesan]

Is it not a fact that there are much less number of girls than boys in the age group of 22 to 28. This makes difficult to find a suitable girl that too with less age difference/ lesser education/ lesser salary because if the girls earn more they expect the groom to earn more than her salary. I expect the girls to be practical in that they should feel that when they are to become husband & wife & have to live with 2 different family set-up these lesser earnings would not interfere in their life if it is not too large ? I appeal to girls to dispassionately analyse objectively the overall picture of the situation & start the life with positive mind , God will bless those girls .
Rishikesan

 

[Raji Ram]

Is it not a fact that there are much less number of girls than boys in the age group of 22 to 28. This makes difficult to find a suitable girl that too with less age difference/ lesser education/ lesser salary because if the girls earn more they expect the groom to earn more than her salary. I expect the girls to be practical in that they should feel that when they are to become husband & wife & have to live with 2 different family set-up these lesser earnings would not interfere in their life if it is not too large ? I appeal to girls to dispassionately analyse objectively the overall picture of the situation & start the life with positive mind , God will bless those girls .
Rishikesan

Dear Sir,

By writing

I expect the girls to be practical in that they should feel that when they are to become husband & wife &

have to live with 2 different family set-up these lesser earnings would not interfere in their life if it is not too large?

do you mean to say that the husband and wife will keep their own earnings for their family - which means their parents

and siblings? I am a sort of confused!

 

[auh]

I dont think the boys or girls of any community can be particularly blamed for a situation that evolves over time. I mean, who are we to term an individual demand as unreasonable? A girl chooses her partner according to her preferences and what is wrong with that? If it does not rhyme well with the overall welfare of tamil brahmins, so what? They are not bound by any code, are they?

 

[rishikesan]

Dear madam, It does not imply that the earnings of either husband or wife should be for their family , that is parent or siblings.

My view is that the salary of spouse should not be a matter of contention , but the entire set of persons in both the families ,should not harp upon this matter . Elders should advise the son/ daughter that once marriage takes place & the couple become a family ., their earnings would become one & they have the liberty of managing everything by themselves,

Thus I do believe that ,salaries/ education to some extent, should not come in the way, while looking for Bride or Groom.

Rishikesan

 

[auh]

But surely, a wife is entitled to her earnings, after all, she has not dropped down on this earth, solely to be a man's wife. If we agree to this, I guess, questions on her spend will be out of place, as she is free to spend on her siblings or her parents. It is her wish.

 

[auh]

Dear madam, It does not imply that the earnings of either husband or wife should be for their family , that is parent or siblings.

My view is that the salary of spouse should not be a matter of contention , but the entire set of persons in both the families ,should not harp upon this matter . Elders should advise the son/ daughter that once marriage takes place & the couple become a family ., their earnings would become one & they have the liberty of managing everything by themselves,

Thus I do believe that ,salaries/ education to some extent, should not come in the way, while looking for Bride or Groom.

Rishikesan

I think the concept of mergin the earnings is a sign of submission, of that of a woman to the boy's family. Why not have separate salaries and separate spends? What is the problem, I would like to know please.

 

[Raji Ram]

Thanks for your reply Rishikesan Sir!

 

[sangom]

I think the concept of mergin the earnings is a sign of submission, of that of a woman to the boy's family. Why not have separate salaries and separate spends? What is the problem, I would like to know please.

If the wife has the right to her earnings, the husband also has the same right and can keep it for himself. Then who will spend for the family of the husband & wife? Is it not better not to marry, then?

 

[auh]

If the wife has the right to her earnings, the husband also has the same right and can keep it for himself. Then who will spend for the family of the husband & wife? Is it not better not to marry, then?

The right to keep individual earning does not, in any way, prevent from spending for a common purpose, I think, is it not?

 

[kunjuppu]

I think the concept of mergin the earnings is a sign of submission, of that of a woman to the boy's family. Why not have separate salaries and separate spends? What is the problem, I would like to know please.

If the wife has the right to her earnings, the husband also has the same right and can keep it for himself. Then who will spend for the family of the husband & wife? Is it not better not to marry, then?

i think for both the posts above, there is a lack of understanding of reality.

marriages and households (especially incomes) cannot work from rules imposed by society or norms. these days.

this i am saying, from the accepted norm, till recently, the girl, handing over her entire salary to mil or husband. that was the practice and i have seen this happen. never did this take into account, her own feelings, or her sense of obligation to her family or parents, or the needs of her family.

so, nowadays, it is onlyfair, with two handsome incomes, each one has a say in how this is spent. and split. this comes out of a mutual agreement. what works for family A may not work for family B. but it is not right for A to criticize B for being different.

the question of 'who will spend for the family of the husband & wife' does not make sense. leave it to the couple, but what is important, and this is the big change from yester years, is the acknowledgement from the groom, and more particularly groom's parents, that the girl has a right to fulfil any financial obligation, to her family. ie she has a right to her money earned.

i see this as a problem still lingering, as is evidenced by indignation and disapproval in many a post here. the tone that i find, is that the girl/girl's family display arrogance in such a matter, vis a vis, the 'sweet' girls of old, who meekly handed over the paycheck to an mother in law - who would spend it on her daughters and sons, with nary a penny for the girl's family. this attitude should go.

once this type of attitude becomes the norm, there wont be any more discussions like this, we find here. the empowerment of women and their justified rights and entitlements, have come a long way past 20 years. still some distance left.

 

[auh]

I think my posts would appear after some time as indicated by Praveen. Maybe they would then become interspersed between replies and might be difficult to locate, but I would like to record my views for the post above no.614.

I would like to say that I approve a woman keeping her earnings to herself, and in this respect, I would agree with the general view of your post.

Thanks,

 

[biswa]

I think my posts would appear after some time as indicated by Praveen. Maybe they would then become interspersed between replies and might be difficult to locate, but I would like to record my views for the post above no.614.

I would like to say that I approve a woman keeping her earnings to herself, and in this respect, I would agree with the general view of your post.

Thanks,

Got it. Now who pays for the kids?

Also suppose one spouse earns two times the other. What if the lesser earning spouse would like to support his/her parents, hospitalization bills etc. ? Are they out of luck?

 

[Raji Ram]

I dont think the boys or girls of any community can be particularly blamed for a situation that evolves over time. I mean, who are we to term an individual demand as unreasonable? A girl chooses her partner according to her preferences and what is wrong with that? If it does not rhyme well with the overall welfare of tamil brahmins, so what? They are not bound by any code, are they?

Absolutely NOT!

People in general are becoming selfish and money minded. So, let the rich marry the richer / richest!

'Advice' is branded as 'intrusion of privacy'! So each individual can take his / her own decision. No to

worry about parents! After all, we human beings are children of GOD, who is supposed to be ONE!!

 

[Raji Ram]

Got it. Now who pays for the kids?

Also suppose one spouse earns two times the other. What if the lesser earning spouse would like to support his/her parents, hospitalization bills etc. ? Are they out of luck?

Of course, such parents are unlucky! That is why I write often:

Blessed are those who are NOT dependent parents! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

........ this i am saying, from the accepted norm, till recently, the girl, handing over her entire salary to mil or husband. that was the practice and i have seen this happen. never did this take into account, her own feelings, or her sense of obligation to her family or parents, or the needs of her family.......

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Not always, even in the previous generations! My mAmA and mAmi were both busy doctors and earning very well.

MAmA never used to touch money from mAmi's account. He was spending for his family and for one of his brother's

family since their status was what we call as 'lower middle class'! We used to think: MAmA is just great! :thumb:

My son and few of his cousins follow my mAmA!

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Not always, even in the previous generations! My mAmA and mAmi were both busy doctors and earning very well.

MAmA never used to touch money from mAmi's account. He was spending for his family and for one of his brother's

family since their status was what we call as 'lower middle class'! We used to think: MAmA is just great! :thumb:

My son and few of his cousins follow my mAmA!

dear raji,

there are always exceptions to the norm. your uncle was one. i would presume, two doctors, would make it comfortable living plus family.

it is in the mid-lower middle class families that these தரித்திர புத்தி raises its head. the grab mentality is inverse to the wealth status of the family, i find. i used to feel so depressed whenever i used to witness such behaviour, and the receiving end being my girl cousins.

all this happened in the 60s 70s, when the concept of women going to work itself was new. working women had a raw deal then - they had to spend the day in the office, and come home, cook for the family, and pander to the in laws. i dont which was worse - whether the working woman slave, or the dil stay at home woman slave.

the good thing is, all these women, have turned out to be tolerant and nice mothers in law now - partly because of their own experience, and to a large extent on the empowerment of the women and the resulting attitude change.

i am quite sure, every family has stories abound with such experiences - from mottai patti 3 generations ago, tovhigh school graduation in the first , to college graduation of the 2nd and now the 3rd generation - managers and CEOs (yes we have 2 female CEO & 1 VP of a major corporation in our family )

i am very happy to live in today's world which has come to realize that a woman should be treated and given the same opportunities as the man. i was born with that attitude, i guess .

 

[rishikesan]

The topic was whether girls earning more is a hindrance for finding a suitable groom!!it is accepted or not the women would keep her salary to herself ,these days. The best way to ensure the requirements of their old parents and the needs arising from time to time for both the families should be prudently decided by the couple keeping the unity of both families intact.
Rishikesan

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Rishikesan Sir,

Are you not aware of something known as 'ego clash'?

 

[kunjuppu]

re #621, #622,


should we, in the interest of ego, as males, tell our wives, not to be ambitious, work hard, get promoted and and earn more. or if the salary exceeds the husbands', refuse the raises till such time, and only to, match what the husband earns less one ruppee.

one needs to think through all the scenarios. and it is where the maturity of the couple come into play. a wife, thumbing at her husband, just because she earns more, is as bad a partner, as a husband getting jealous of his wife's higher salary. unfortunately it happens, and appears to do so across race and nationalities.

just today, there was a report in the toronto globe and mail, that 42% of canadian women earn more than their husbands. to me, mrs K earning more, would never be an issue. if i am not mistaken, in our early years of marriage, due to circumstances, for a couple of years, she end up with a bigger paycheck. but since it went to the pool and expenses paid out of it, neither of us were aware of the differences in pay, except the bill payments were more painless than usual

two instances of where the man's pay mattered. everyone has such stories. the husband was earning $400,000 per year as a doctor, the wife $18,000 as a book editor. she grew very jealous and has told me that it is not 'fair' that the while she 'worked' harder than her husband, she earned so little. after two children, the couple split, but in the meanwhile, she made life so difficult for him. dont know why still, because otherwise, she is a very intelligent and pleasant woman. this is a white family.

husband was an officer in a bank, earning a comfortable salary. not very ambitious but contented with life. doted on the children, and viewed quality of family life more important than chasing the mammon. wife on the other hand, went after the money. she worked in commission sales, and was soon bringing close to $500,000 per year. she compared her earnings to her husbands, suddenly found him 'lazy unambitious goodfornothing' etc. she used to heap insults on him in public re his salary. this couple too split. tambrams.

i would imagine, indira nooyi, as ceo of pepsi earns several times more than mr. nooyi. but afaik, they have a stable and long standing marriage, and two kids. the same probably goes for kiran mazumdar shaw or chanda kochchar (icici ceo). from what i know, all these women have long stable marriages and children.

where marriages fail because of wife's salary greater than her husbands', there is a failure of understanding priorities of life. salary is only one element in the bigger enterprise that we call family. it is not even the key element, though the presence of money greases many a cranky gears. love, affection, mutual regard, management ability, human relations, balancing the bills, time management, culinary skills..and more, add up to more to contribute a happy family. it is like a business enterprise. if a commission salesman earns more than the CEO due to his stellar performance, the whole business profits. no?

 

[auh]

Got it. Now who pays for the kids?

Also suppose one spouse earns two times the other. What if the lesser earning spouse would like to support his/her parents, hospitalization bills etc. ? Are they out of luck?

Seriously, are these issues which lack answers? Sure some form of common pool could be created to fund family expenses.

What is more important here is the right of a woman to spend as per her wish which is not the norm. Surrendering the salary is not quite the way out. Many a woman would have pitied her plight on seeing her husband squander her hard earned money. It is not that all husbands are so nurtured so as to hand over the monies (earned by the lady) to the spouse whenever required.