Are seniors (whose children are in the US) taken for granted?

[padders]

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I was on a recent flight to New York, a long-haul flight of 14 hours. I noticed a lot of old (Indian) couples (ie over 65) boarding the flight after transiting in Dubai. They were obviously on their way to the US, possibly to spend time with their sons/daughters.
Many of these elderly people are not really going for a holiday, but are going to help out their adultchildren- often it's baby-sitting, with a bit of housekeeping thrown in. Very often, these old people can't even move around by themselves as they are dependent on their children to get around.
I know at least two couples among my relatives who dread being called by their married adult children to the States. They say they just can't sit in a flight for almost twenty hours (usually economy or cattle class) and then have the responsibility of looking after the grandkids, and virtually being in a jail.
In my opinion, it's grossly unfair of these US kids to expect their parents to travel that distance to help them out. I know that it's the tradition for girls to have their first child at their mother's home, but here, because of citizenship issues, the poor parents have to uproot themselves and go. Then, when the kids grow up a bit, the parents again have to come for baby-sitting as the kids have their summer holidays. I don't know how you all feel about this, but I think it is grossly unfair and it is just taking your parents for granted to expect them to come such a long distance. Yes, I know there are some who don't "use" their parents but make sure every comfort of theirs is met, but there are many who show no consideration.
I'm interested in knowing your views about this issue- is this crass selfishness, or is it just a simple case of helping out, with both sides benefiting? And is this peculiar just to Indians, or do parents of other nationalities face this problem? Is it that our great Indian tradition just trips us up?

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Padmini,

You guessed it right! Yes, it is the great Indian tradition which makes the parents go through these ordeals. The love to see

the first born baby (probably when the parents are in their 60s) paves way for the first enthusiastic visit. The daughter expects

her mom to take care of the kitchen and also maintaining the house clean! When the baby is about six months old, the visa expires

and the parents in law take over the baby sitting! This is the usual trend. I have noticed several times that the parents in law of the

girl buys the air tickets because of 'gauravam' where as the tickets for her parents are bought by her husband since they are coming

to help her all the way from India!!

But when the children grow up, the grand parents also become older and surely find it difficult to take up the long journey and the

household chores! When they think of resettling in India - telephone, gas, internet, ration, electricity, cell phone and so on..... -

they are somewhat fed up! out:

 

[Raji Ram]

I think this is real serious topic to discuss.

May be moved to G D forum or Sociology forum.

 

[Vaagmi]

I was on a recent flight to New York, a long-haul flight of 14 hours. I noticed a lot of old (Indian) couples (ie over 65) boarding the flight after transiting in Dubai. They were obviously on their way to the US, possibly to spend time with their sons/daughters.
Many of these elderly people are not really going for a holiday, but are going to help out their adultchildren- often it's baby-sitting, with a bit of housekeeping thrown in. Very often, these old people can't even move around by themselves as they are dependent on their children to get around.
I know at least two couples among my relatives who dread being called by their married adult children to the States. They say they just can't sit in a flight for almost twenty hours (usually economy or cattle class) and then have the responsibility of looking after the grandkids, and virtually being in a jail.
In my opinion, it's grossly unfair of these US kids to expect their parents to travel that distance to help them out. I know that it's the tradition for girls to have their first child at their mother's home, but here, because of citizenship issues, the poor parents have to uproot themselves and go. Then, when the kids grow up a bit, the parents again have to come for baby-sitting as the kids have their summer holidays. I don't know how you all feel about this, but I think it is grossly unfair and it is just taking your parents for granted to expect them to come such a long distance. Yes, I know there are some who don't "use" their parents but make sure every comfort of theirs is met, but there are many who show no consideration.
I'm interested in knowing your views about this issue- is this crass selfishness, or is it just a simple case of helping out, with both sides benefiting? And is this peculiar just to Indians, or do parents of other nationalities face this problem? Is it that our great Indian tradition just trips us up?

Hello Padmini (Smt RR says it is your name),

The old parents of the girl or the boy baby-sitting happens in India too. When it happens in distant lands, the additional discomfort of being away from India, the inability to communicate with neighbours freely, the culture shock, the quietness as different from the din and noise they are used to back home are all there. But then the pleasure they get tending to the baby more than compensates for all that. I think the parents voluntarily take this up on themselves without a murmur. When the physical discomfort is unbearable they just excuse themselves and the children too understand. To deduce selfishness, inconsiderate demand or compulsion from this simple expression and offer of support is not appropriate. This is my view. Thanks.

 

[sangom]

I was on a recent flight to New York, a long-haul flight of 14 hours. I noticed a lot of old (Indian) couples (ie over 65) boarding the flight after transiting in Dubai. They were obviously on their way to the US, possibly to spend time with their sons/daughters.
Many of these elderly people are not really going for a holiday, but are going to help out their adultchildren- often it's baby-sitting, with a bit of housekeeping thrown in. Very often, these old people can't even move around by themselves as they are dependent on their children to get around.
I know at least two couples among my relatives who dread being called by their married adult children to the States. They say they just can't sit in a flight for almost twenty hours (usually economy or cattle class) and then have the responsibility of looking after the grandkids, and virtually being in a jail.
In my opinion, it's grossly unfair of these US kids to expect their parents to travel that distance to help them out. I know that it's the tradition for girls to have their first child at their mother's home, but here, because of citizenship issues, the poor parents have to uproot themselves and go. Then, when the kids grow up a bit, the parents again have to come for baby-sitting as the kids have their summer holidays. I don't know how you all feel about this, but I think it is grossly unfair and it is just taking your parents for granted to expect them to come such a long distance. Yes, I know there are some who don't "use" their parents but make sure every comfort of theirs is met, but there are many who show no consideration.
I'm interested in knowing your views about this issue- is this crass selfishness, or is it just a simple case of helping out, with both sides benefiting? And is this peculiar just to Indians, or do parents of other nationalities face this problem? Is it that our great Indian tradition just trips us up?

I find most tabra parents eagerly awaiting the "bulaavaa" from their sons or daughetrs - but mostly daughters - and jump at the prospect of going to US or UK or Australia or wherever. They come back to boast endlessly about the luxurious lives their children live, out there and so on. One mAmi was boasting "I have seen US along its length and breadth" although it was no occasion for such trumpeting. Some mAmis also write about their experiences in glowing terms in usually tabra publications.

The number of visits aborad is now the status indicator among most tabra mamis here; one who has fewer visits is like a shudra as compared to another with more visits.

This being the situation, Smt. Padders, I think your OP goes against the perception down here. In the olden days it was believed that a person's filial duty included taking the parents on a pilgrimage to Kashi & Gaya; today, it has become the bounden duty to take one's parents to the western pilgrimage!!

 

[Raji Ram]

Only a few mAmis boast about their visits to the U S of A. After two or three visits, the U S of A dharshan is limited to very

few places and the boredom starts. As the mAmis age, they can not cope up with the house maintenance there, without the

help of any servant maid. They feel shy to tell about their actual plight in the son's / daughter's house to their friends. I have

heard a few of my friends say that they will be happy if they are NOT called for help anymore! And most of the mAmAs can NOT

drive the car and have to be stay put at home just reading 'The Hindu' and watching some Tamil soaps which are very much
available on the net. :ranger:

 

[Raji Ram]

I have also heard that some of the mAmAs want to eat super South Indian food only, even in the U S of A. So mAmis struggle with

the making of 'idli mAvu' at home - Keep the mAvu inside the oven with the light on, to make it raise! Coffee is another trouble!

The 'thaNNi kApi' the children drink will never be tasty for these mAmAs. Some couple carry 5 kg of coffee powder along with them!
I used to think that the luggage should be limited to 2 X 10 kg bags each, to avoid this type of packing! lane:

 

[sangom]

I feel if mAmis are "confiding" as if they are 'fed up' of their foreign visits to kids' homes, it must be purely for neutralizing any possible evil eye from other jealous friends of theirs; I have yet to get even any indirect report about anyone getting 'fed-up'. It is as if one will get fed-up of "going to heaven" now and then!!

Only some mAmAs know driving and only a few of them have valid international driving licences. But, of late, probably due to the financial problems even in that heaven called USA/UK, only the mAmis are specifically invited and (tickets are sent in advance) and mAmAs have become persona non grata of sorts

While the tabra mAmis are reportedly seen in the most modern dresses just like their peers in US, when they live in US/UK, back here they are afraid of adverse comments from society and do not display any such 'hang-overs'; but mAmAs, even those nearing 80, come back fully revitalized and many of them can be seen here jogging, walking etc., in Bermudas and similar outfits. One of these mAmAs also blurted about his kids eating NV food, opening Champaigne bottles to celebrate, etc., but suddenly closed the topic.

 

[Vaagmi]

I have a suspicion that it is those members who have no such invitations from US of A that are making all these comments here. Sour grapes perhaps. Can we expect some of the actual baby sitters to make inputs here about what they really think about the OP. That would be informative.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

I for one believe that we must live a life useful to someone or the other.

What is wrong with helping our children to take care of their children?

In India the servant does everything and the mamis and mamas lead life of vishranti. :couch2:

Read newspapers, watch serials, gossip, chat, sleep and have not a single care in life -

UNLESS the servant takes a day or two off with or without prior intimation- when the whole

world goes berserk... with the mami walking around as if she is carrying the world on her

shoulders and the mama perplexed not knowing what to do!

What about our children who struggle with multiple problems...Job, shopping, small babies,

maintaining the house, weekly laundry, weekly cleaning of the sprawling house, driving around

for everything.

The baby sitter charges for 4 hours minimum per day and you know what it will work up to in a

month even if it is only for 5 days a week !

Children left in the day care always have a running nose, cold, frequent fever since they share,

play with and bite the same toys. My grand daughter was always sick until she was removed

from the day care center and taken care of in the house.

The rip off will leave our own children high and dry. I myself have serious locomotion problem

and for sitting in the flight for 24 to 30 hours. But it is well worth the joy my children and grand

children give us during our stay. I took care of the three months old baby and cooked for the

family three times a day. Still I found time to expand my existing blogs and create new ones.

It is all in the mind. IF we want to live ONLY for ourselves and eat ONLY south Indian dishes and

drink ONLY Leo coffee there will be problem.

When love is thin the problems are thick.

(S)He who lives for himself is selfish.

(S)He who lives for the others is happy.

 

[prasad1]

This is the perspective of American grandparents (Includes PIO).
Grandparents as Babysitters

Depending on your children's work and relationship statuses, many grandparents are finding themselves in the role of caregiver to their grandchildren. The proportion of preschoolers cared for primarily by their grandparents while their mothers work rose to 19.4 percent in 2005, from 15.9 percent in 1995, according to the Census Bureau. A wave of closings and cutbacks in child-care facilities suggest the trend is continuing.


This is no reason to panic or fret. Indeed, many areas of child care have changed since you raised your kids; then again, many areas are the same as they were. With some conversation and ground rules set, the babysitting experience can be a rewarding experience for you and a godsend for your children.


First, talk to your kids about expectations, your time and expertise is yours to share. Certainly, they don't want to take advantage of your time and availability. Secondly, find out how they like to do things. You all be surprised how much you can learn from your children.

A new study released in the September issue of the Journal of Family Issues finds that more than 60 percent of grandparents who don't live with their grandkids provide grandchild care, and they do so for at least 50 hours a year — 70 percent have done it for two years or more. The care, which ranges from Saturday-night babysitting to daily after-school care, not only helps build stronger bonds between the generations, but it lifts the financial burden on cash-strapped families. In addition to providing care, 62 percent have provided financial support to their grandchildren in the past five years, averaging $8,289. For some families, there's no one quite as reliable as a grandparent to watch their tots, so we want to know how much you rely on them!
Grandparents are perhaps the best babysitters around. They love your children like nobody else does and they welcome an opportunity to spend time with their darling grandchildren. While using parents and in-laws as built-in babysitters is an option many parents turn to, there are a few things to keep in mind before hiring them to watch your precious kiddos. Discuss your expectations with your parents or in-laws and make sure the arrangement is mutually beneficial. Then, drop your kids off knowing that they're safe, loved and having a blast.

Grandparents As Babysitters - Preschooler

 

[Raji Ram]

......... Can we expect some of the actual baby sitters to make inputs here about what they really think about the OP. That would be informative.

Dear Vaagami Sir,

Ram and I visited the U S of A for the first time, when our son had just started a software company with two of his friends.

The second visit was after he got married and his wife was also working. The third one was for baby sitting. As I wrote

earlier, we bought the air tickets all the three times and did not burden our son with extra expense. I have written in detail

all the experiences we had, in the thread 'payaNak ka(vi)thaigaL' in the literature forum. Life for mAmis is almost the same

because of the chores like maintenance of the house, cooking, washing and so on. The time we spend with the grand kid is

the boost that is given to us! Son takes us out for possible trips too. In short it is a 'sugamAna sumai' for me!!

 

[Raji Ram]

As far as I know, most of the mAmAs are as lazy as they are in India, even after landing in the U S of A. A few take up walking as
their prime job each morning! Then :couch2: for the whole day! Whereas mAmis have the similar type of life as in India with some

extra work, done by the servant maid when they stay in India, on their shoulders! Mosquitoes and some other pests might be

missing inside the house, though!

P.S: Even the mAmAs who have not visited any overseas country also wear bermuda pants and T-shirts to replace their usual

'madichchu kattina vEshti' and 'vari vari shirt'! :lol:

 

[Raji Ram]

The son of a mAmA in my close family circle wanted his parents to bring up his daughter in India since he was working in Dubai.

But his parents bluntly refused to do so because their duty was ONLY to bring up their son which they had already done! :thumb:

Another parents living in the U S of A refused to baby sit their grand son and the kid was sent to a creche, shelling out lots of dollars!!

 

[Raji Ram]

One more different real story!! The parents of a guy who went to baby sit, were sent back to India for treatment, when the mAmA

developed a severe stomach pain, while in the U S of A. He narrated how much he suffered to fly back to India with the pain.

Some children are heartless!

 

[sangom]

I have a suspicion that it is those members who have no such invitations from US of A that are making all these comments here. Sour grapes perhaps. Can we expect some of the actual baby sitters to make inputs here about what they really think about the OP. That would be informative.

I and my wife have not had to go for baby sitting because my sons know that we (myself and my wife) will not be able to adjust to the climate there. But we have standing invitation to go there, even on permanent basis and, I believe it may not be a burden for any of my sons to keep us with them and spend for our daily requirements. I am writing this from the reports from many tabras from this place who have visited foreign countries for this baby-sitting duty and have come back. If what is written is not what suits someone's liking, I cannot help.

Personally I prefer to pass my days here in this place rather than in any place abroad; of course, many, many comforts and advantages are there in foreign countries but what I miss there seems to me to be more valuable. However, if I am forced to emigrate, I will have to go - may be against my wishes. Many people here are of similar opinion, may be because this is a very good place for retired life — and for me, the place where I grew up also.

 

[Vaagmi]

The son of a mAmA in my close family circle wanted his parents to bring up his daughter in India since he was working in Dubai.

But his parents bluntly refused to do so because their duty was ONLY to bring up their son which they had already done! :thumb:

Another parents living in the U S of A refused to baby sit their grand son and the kid was sent to a creche, shelling out lots of dollars!!

Dear RR,

I am surprised that old people can be so stupid.

To bring up a girl child in India is a pleasure. Recently When I was at a relative's place in Trivandrum (I returned just yesterday) I had the opportunity to spend some time with the girl in that family who is studying in the 3rd class in a school. She was given an assignment to prepare a five minutes lecture to an audience about her mother in Malayalam. The topic was "Ente Amma" எண்டெ அம்ம which translates to "my mother". I was asked by the mother to help the child gather her ideas. I asked the girl to just tell whatever she wanted to say about the subject-her mother. It was a pleasant experience to follow the thought process of that child. She said many things which were just wonderful. When she said her mother was a story book the reason given for that was that her mother had a large no of interesting stories in her repertoire which she tells her every day night before going to sleep. So எண்டெ அம்ம ஒரு கதப்புஸ்த்தகம்-the girl said. Like this there were many things she said. I was floored when the girl said her mother was a மணமுள்ள பூ. And she explained saying her mother's face blossoms every time she looks at her. I said "that is ok. But what about the மணம்?" The girl answered that her mother had மணம் too and looked at me quizzically as if how on earth some one can ask such a stupid question. When the idea she conveyed sank into me after a few seconds, I just lifted the child up and the happiness I had can not be explained in words. The nostalgic memories of my childhood when I used to enjoy the மணம் of my mother's புடவை தலைப்பு whenever she wiped my face with it came back to me. Now coming to the point - how can the old parents be insensitive to such pleasures of living with the kids? Like that English poet I want to loudly exclaim "is there a man/woman with soul so dead?"

Though myself and my wife have not done that yet we would like to do the babysitting when the opportunity comes.

 

[padders]

Dear Smt Visalakshi, Sri Sangom and Sri Vaagmi:

Smt. Visalakshi: I think we're just caught in an emotional trap of "being useful" to our children. Haven't we mamas and mamis done our share of raising our children? We surely deserve a well-deserved rest and have the right to spend the rest of our lives as we wish, whether it's watching soaps on TV or gossiping! . Even if the baby-sitter charges x amount of dollars, that's not our problem. Tell me, how do other people (ie other nationalities who have also made the US their home) manage this? I think at this stage in our lives, we have to live for ourselves!
Sri Sangom, possibly the first visit is a thrill, but I have enough relatives who dread the travel and stay, usually for over two months, as they are totally uprooted. As Smt Raji says, after their return home,there's a whole new set of problems to contend with like house-help, internet connection etc all of which have to be re-instated! Taking your parents on a visit to Kashi and Gaya is quite different from taking them to the "Wild West."
Sri Vaagmi, yes, old parents love seeing their new-born grandkids but TENDING to them? No, I'm not sure about that at all. In India you have heaps of maids/ayahs/nannies who help out, but not in the West. In fact, this is why the mamas and mamis are called in the first place, to take care of the new-born! And the process is repeated with each birth and whenever the kids are on long holidays. Yes, of course the mamas and mamis have the right to refuse (which they often do) but my contention is that we are far too emotional in our relationship with our children, and are therefore taken for granted. Perhaps we should be more cut and dry and more practical. This is my view.
Smt. Raji- yes, the mamas are often part of the problem, with their demands for idlis and kapi!

 

[P.J.]

Interesting discussion is going on; when there is a son or daughter settled in India, parents may not visit a foreign country where another son or daughter is settled as often as possible as in the case of parents who have a son or two, both settled in US or UK.

In our case, we have only a son and a daughter both are now settled in US and UK.

It so happened that my son is married to the sister of my son in law, so we have only one Sambhandhi!!

Both , our daughter in law and our daughter conceived at the same time, so we went to our daughter's place and our Sambhandhi Mami went to our son's place and we were rotating the duty from US to UK for almost 2 years!!

Fortunately for us, the Immigration Officers both at US and UK Airports were not probing too much and allowed us to stay 6 months during each trip, so we enjoyed our life with the company of our grand children.

It so happened again, both our daughter and Daughter in Law conceived again at the same time, so our trips to US and UK , continued for another period of two years!!

Then we gave a gap of about 1 year, and started to rotate the trip between US and UK again !!

The Children were very much attached to both side grand parents ,( our Sambhandi Mama is a Practicing Doctor, so only Sambhandhi mami made the trips ) and that made us to go back to them again and again, and at any point of time we never thought it is burden on us to help them grow as long as we can.

I am already crossed 74, nearing 75, my wife 67; No one is going to live ever and a time will come when one of us will leave and the other one probably live a few more years and living alone in India/ or in Old age home is not to our liking, so we decided to accept US Green Card when our son suggested it.

We have our home in Chennai, which is looked after by the ground floor Tenant; No problem.

We come back to Chennai once in 18-24 months for medical check ups, and get required medicines for another 18- 24 months and leave for UK, stay there for a couple months and return to US before the expiry of 6 months period.

( as because, we are Green card holders, we must return to US before the expiry of 180 days)

Fortunately in UK, it is possible to engage House helpers who are young girls from Sri Lanka who look after the children very well; the same is not possible in US.

Although, now our grand children are grown up, they can feed, dress and look after themselves even in the absence of their parents, they love us very much, as we love them, which makes us to go there again and again.

We can not leave our son/daughter's family just like Birds, Animals do when their off springs grow up, we Indians have the inherent passion and affection to help our son/daughter's family as long as we can.

Like VR madam said, there is nothing wrong in being with either son/daughter's family to help their children grow in our tradition!

Nowadays my wife teaches them TAMIL , to read and write !!
They attend Chinmaya Bal Vikas classes; When any one of them fall sick,( very rarely) being there in Home gives lot of relief to our daughter in law/son.

Being away from India is in one way good, we maintain very good relationship with everyone!!

Did I bore you All?

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Ref #18.

Smt. Visalakshi: I think we're just caught in an emotional trap of "being useful" to our children. Haven't we mamas and mamis done our share of raising our children? We surely deserve a well-deserved rest and have the right to spend the rest of our lives as we wish, whether it's watching soaps on TV or gossiping! . Even if the baby-sitter charges x amount of dollars, that's not our problem. Tell me, how do other people (ie other nationalities who have also made the US their home) manage this? I think at this stage in our lives, we have to live for ourselves!

Sorry lady! There is no quota or share in doing one's work. :nono:

ASK NOT WHAT THE OTHERS CAN DO FOR YOU!

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THE OTHERS!

My mother's mother ( My maternal grandmother) died at the age of 28 years-
when she delivered her eighth child !!!

The age gap between the successive children was ~ one year. :bump2:

Do you know who brought up all the eight children?

Not someone who spoke about her quota of work load and her liberty and RIGHT to enjoy the rest of her life in doing what she pleased or what pleased her.

It was my mother's grandmother - widowed at a very young age after delivering her only daughter.

That great old lady lived till a ripe old age of 93 years - caring for everyone in the family till she died.

To me she was a living goddess. So selfless and so ready to serve and sacrifice everything.

Only when a person really loves another such sacrifices are possible.

When the love for self exceeds the love for the others everything becomes burdensome!

I can't sleep peacefully when I learn that my son hardly gets 6 hours of sleep per day!

Call it by any name emotional, sentimental or foolish but I am a mother and will remain a mother as long as I live.

 

[Raji Ram]

As I wrote earlier, you are a blessed soul P J Sir!

Not all parents are as lucky as you are!

 

[kkumar29]

I have been reading with interest all the posts. I will share some thoughts of a grandparent who didn't have to travel from India to do baby sitting. Firstly I have to agree with Vaagmi and Mrs. Visalakshi about love of the grandparents. I have lot of friends who are not of Indian origin. Chinese grandparents behave pretty much the same way as Indian grandparents do. Even caucasian grandparents are no different. When it comes to grandchildren I have noticed that grandparents become putty in their grandkids hands.

Now my own experiences. I have two grandchildren. I have taken care of them from the time they were both 1 month old babies. My wife, daughter and son-in-law work and when she delivered the first baby they were discussing about finding a suitable day care center. I intervened and said no way and I will take care of them. This continued till he started going to school when he was five. Meanwhile the second grandchild came along and again I refused to let any one else take care of my grandchild. During this time I had three surgeries and the recovery time for each of them was a few months. As Mrs.VR said it is a labour of love, there is no burden. Would I do this all over again? Most definitely yes. I had to visit India at the end of last year to attend my niece's marriage. My son-in-law's mother (who lives in Australia and is an Australian) jumped at the opportunity to take care of her grandchildren and flew to US spending her own money. She is quite poor but the love of the grandchildren couldn't keep her away.

Nobody can force any one to do something that they don't want to. In my case the saying "குழந்தையின் சிரிப்பிலே இறைவனை காண்கிறேன்" holds very true. Lot of discussions take place in this forum regarding self realization, reaching higher plane etc etc. As far as I am concerned looking at my grandchildren grow each day gives me all the self realization that I need.

I am quite sure there are lot of grandparents who feel the same way irrespective of their creed, caste or religion or race.

Cheers,
K. Kumar
(I apologize for the lengthy post)

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

I have been reading with interest all the posts. I will share some thoughts of a grandparent who didn't have to travel from India to do baby sitting. Firstly I have to agree with Vaagmi and Mrs. Visalakshi about love of the grandparents. I have lot of friends who are not of Indian origin. Chinese grandparents behave pretty much the same way as Indian grandparents do. Even caucasian grandparents are no different. When it comes to grandchildren I have noticed that grandparents become putty in their grandkids hands.

Now my own experiences. I have two grandchildren. I have taken care of them from the time they were both 1 month old babies. My wife, daughter and son-in-law work and when she delivered the first baby they were discussing about finding a suitable day care center. I intervened and said no way and I will take care of them. This continued till he started going to school when he was five. Meanwhile the second grandchild came along and again I refused to let any one else take care of my grandchild. During this time I had three surgeries and the recovery time for each of them was a few months. As Mrs.VR said it is a labour of love, there is no burden. Would I do this all over again? Most definitely yes. I had to visit India at the end of last year to attend my niece's marriage. My son-in-law's mother (who lives in Australia and is an Australian) jumped at the opportunity to take care of her grandchildren and flew to US spending her own money. She is quite poor but the love of the grandchildren couldn't keep her away.

Nobody can force any one to do something that they don't want to. In my case the saying "குழந்தையின் சிரிப்பிலே இறைவனை காண்கிறேன்" holds very true. Lot of discussions take place in this forum regarding self realization, reaching higher plane etc etc. As far as I am concerned looking at my grandchildren grow each day gives me all the self realization that I need.

I am quite sure there are lot of grandparents who feel the same way irrespective of their creed, caste or religion or race.

Cheers,
K. Kumar
(I apologize for the lengthy post)

Dear Mr. Kumar,
Usually I skip the very long posts. But I read your post! :thumb:
My father used to say that there must be a small child in the house OR
at least a flowering plant in the garden.
ONLY these two show a growth, a change everyday and bring cheer in our hearts.
How right he was!!!
However busy my sons and daughters in law may be,
they make it a point to chat on Skype everyday.
In fact that is what makes my life worth living!
My 16 months old grandson points to my son's laptop and
keeps saying "thaathaa!" until my son calls us and we get connected on Skype.

 

[sangom]

Dear Smt Visalakshi, Sri Sangom and Sri Vaagmi:

Smt. Visalakshi: I think we're just caught in an emotional trap of "being useful" to our children. Haven't we mamas and mamis done our share of raising our children? We surely deserve a well-deserved rest and have the right to spend the rest of our lives as we wish, whether it's watching soaps on TV or gossiping! . Even if the baby-sitter charges x amount of dollars, that's not our problem. Tell me, how do other people (ie other nationalities who have also made the US their home) manage this? I think at this stage in our lives, we have to live for ourselves!
Sri Sangom, possibly the first visit is a thrill, but I have enough relatives who dread the travel and stay, usually for over two months, as they are totally uprooted. As Smt Raji says, after their return home,there's a whole new set of problems to contend with like house-help, internet connection etc all of which have to be re-instated! Taking your parents on a visit to Kashi and Gaya is quite different from taking them to the "Wild West."
Sri Vaagmi, yes, old parents love seeing their new-born grandkids but TENDING to them? No, I'm not sure about that at all. In India you have heaps of maids/ayahs/nannies who help out, but not in the West. In fact, this is why the mamas and mamis are called in the first place, to take care of the new-born! And the process is repeated with each birth and whenever the kids are on long holidays. Yes, of course the mamas and mamis have the right to refuse (which they often do) but my contention is that we are far too emotional in our relationship with our children, and are therefore taken for granted. Perhaps we should be more cut and dry and more practical. This is my view.
Smt. Raji- yes, the mamas are often part of the problem, with their demands for idlis and kapi!

May be I should remark at this stage that my suspicion is that parents are only too eager to realize their cherished dream of becoming an american/UK citizen and that is why they are bringing up emotional and high faluting ideas to justify their foreign trips for baby sitting But I don't think so. Different people are motivated differently. Since most of the emigré sons/daughters are quite well-off in those countries, they will be able to afford paid baby-sitters but they fear whether it will all be quite safe. With the parents, they are completely free of such anxieties. And, many grandparents also feel it is their duty to help out their children in such circumstances. So, let each family have its own way.

 

[tbs]

hi
i heard some where....GRAND PARENTS AND GRAND KIDS ARE HAVING COMMON ENEMY...i e kids parents/children of grand parents..LOL

every home need small kids and old parents....i know its very difficulty in this fast moving modern world....sometimes both are burden to

the young working couples.....its called ....VIRUMBI SUMANTHA BHAARAM.....