Brahmin Girls Marrying (Attracted towards) NB Boys

[pannvalan]

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The huge volume of viewership/views and the responses this topic has evoked so far reflects the concerns, fear and anxiety in the minds of our community as a whole, regarding inter-caste marriages and their negative fall-out.

Hope we take the right message.

 

[uksharma3]

The huge volume of viewership/views and the responses this topic has evoked so far reflects the concerns, fear and anxiety in the minds of our community as a whole, regarding inter-caste marriages and their negative fall-out.

Hope we take the right message.

Of course this is a problem that is challenging the existence of our community in future. I think it is because of this, members are more concerned. There is another angle to the problem of young boys and girls not listening to elders. About 20 years ago, before the advent of computers and Internet, learning was from books and scripts. I learned from books, my father, my grandfather ... all learned from books or scripts (in todays language, from hard copies). Elders were considered to know more in certain matters than the young ones. Sometimes the young people, when they have a doubt, approach elders for help.
But now the young boys and girls learn computer and think they know something that their parents do not know. Also sometimes the son or daughter earns more than their father/mother.
I think this situation is also a reason why young people want to go their own way.
They failed to realize that computer knowledge or money itself is not going to help life. When they learn the lessons of life, it may be too late.

 

[Somayaji.S]

I think there need to be NO panic about this issue.In the working places the "Proximity" of young girls and boys results in the so called "Love Affair" and in some cases ends up in marriages ans in many places the Affair drops through.

I know a few cases where the brahmin girls fell in love with N.B.boys and the parents-especially "mothers" of N.B.boys vehemently opposed the proposals and the "affair" has follen through.Way back in mid-1990s a vey close friend of ours-N.B.family lady- told us(Me and my wife-Brahmins) "What is there in that (Brahmin)"girl,except a "white skin",whose parents can NOT give even a "Kundumani"(pittance) of Gold--whereas our caste people are willing to offer to my Engineering graduate son.100 Kazhanju (320 gms) of Gold plus a Maruthi-800 A.c. car?.The "Affair" fell through--We could only just pity the poor brahmin parents and that "Foolish" Brahmin girl.

The concern is unnecessary and panic reaction.

Other caste people are NOT willing to give their daughters and sons to Brahmins andthey are ready to prevnet such marriages at all costs.

 

[pannvalan]

I wish to narrate three cases I know.

CASE # 1

Both husband and wife were well educated and working in a bank. They were Tamil brahmins. He was an officer and she was a clerk. This girl was very beautiful. They had one charming kid (girl child), aged 5 years.

There was another muslim clerk in the branch, where this girl was working. For whatever reason, this girl and the muslim started moving close to each other. This muslim man was already married.

When all other colleagues politely took up the matter to the girl's husband and advised caution, he refused to believe. "I know my wife, better than anybody else; please don't bring such baseless rumours to me and spoil our happy married life" and made his colleagues shut their mouth, thereafter.

This girl and the muslim were attending computer classes conducted by APTECH, where I also was undergoing training. At that time also, we noticed that not everything was alright; there was something more than what met the eye in their friendship, as it appeared unnatural and konjam over (adheedhamaga irundhadhu).

One day, all of a sudden, this lady left her house, leaving her loving husband and such a doll like child and went to the muslim's house and started living with him, after changing her Hindu name to Islamic name and converting to their faith formally.

We were all in for a great shock, even though we could guess and were anticipating something like this could happen sometime (but we never wanted it).

My friend could not comprehend what really happened; he was left alone with a small girl child, which he was not able to take proper care of. He left the place, left the job and became insane. He was last seen by somebody in U.P./M.P.

Now, I recently heard that my friend was seen at Hyderabad and he could recover to a great extent. I do not know what happened to that girl child. I do not know the whereabouts of his (former) wife.

I will post the cases of the other two cases, in my subsequent posts.

 

[SuryaKasyapa]

This problem is not just restricted to one community alone.Jilting is there eve during Shakespeares time.n one of his drama he ridicules men wearing Hat as to hide the horns
( A jilted husband is believed to develop horns).

It is very simple- when selection is available more selections are also more.Youth (even middle aged) succumb to bombarding of media with dramatic picturisation of Romance and (other things like jilting, extra marital affairs ,premarital affairs and what not/).which were once considered as taboo by society ( and done in hush-hush).

Non-brahmins also are concerned about their children marrying out of caste.

When it comes to choosing between principle,community love against one's own child , the paternal/maternal affection overtakes and they succumb to the child's will.

These will continue to be more in days-to-come , as more and more youth stay far away from their parents and relatives,and more in the company of other volatile youth both sex.

 

[pannvalan]

CASE # 2

She is a teacher and her husband is working in railways. They were living happily for a few years, after their marriage. Later, small issues started cropping up and widened the divide between them. In the meantime, they got two children (boys). The first one is now in second year B.E. and the second one in 10th standard.

The husband became too greedy that he got so many things, including an apartment, motor car etc.
bought with the gir'ls parents' money. Yet, he was not satisfied.

The girl's father passed away, a few years ago. Then, the husband snatched the ATM card of the girl and did not allow her to draw money from her bank account, to which her monthly salary was being credited. He gave her only a pittance for her transport, medicines etc.

The girl (now a woman) could not tolerate all the insults and harassment any longer and she contacted her classmate, who is now a practising lawyer for counsel and also legal advice.

Over a period of time, she came to believe that the deciding moment in her life has come and unless something drastic is done, she and her children may become destitutes.

Now the lawyer friend intervened and poisoned her mind. She ultimately agreed to his suggestion and applied for a divorce in a family court. She deserted her husband and came to live with her lawyer friend who helped her get divorce, by getting an ex parte decree in her favour.

Recently, this lawyer friend divorced his wife and left her and children and came to live with our heroine permanently. Every night he comes late, fully drunk and abuses her, beats her, by exploiting her helplessness. She is forced to cook non-veg for him and is forced to serve liquor to him and also made to drink herself. Finding no other alternative, she obliges him. He threatens her with dire consequences, if she reports the matter to any of her relatives or friends.

Both the children are terribly upset and frightened. They are unable to concentrate in their studies properly.

Now, she is terribly depressed and wants to leave him too. But, she is afraid of his political clout and unable to take any bold decision.

She is in a quandary.

 

[civilsoft_bala]

View from youth side

Hi all. I wish to add certain things which some of you may not like, but i want to put my views. As I can understand, most of past comments are from relatively elder generations (who are all really as parents now), and i feel all the comments / discussions are touching on only one side of the coin. (To introduce myself, Iam R Balaji - Age 28 - Brahmin-Iyengar - Married 3 years back to a brahmin girl and living a happy life). First my humble respects to all of you.
I feel parents should also think from point of view of their children. Mainly many youths go for love because they lack confidence with their parents that they will be able to find a perfect partner of their choice - So they opt to chose themselves. Though I well appreciate marriages have to be within brahmin community, but within the community parents can encourage / allow their children to chose as per their choice. (Mostly this doesn't happen) - I will tell an example - Today as i know many of the boys like to marry girls from relatively poorer families and suitable to their education level, because they feel more than money they want more respect and love. However most of the parents today, in arranged marriages, are crazy going towards richer and very well educated and very beautiful girls. They feel they are looking at a very good varan for their child - but unknowingly pushing him into a ditch. Same cases may happen with girls also.
From above example what i want to tell is, there is a lot of gap between parents and children in their attitude towards marriage and fearing domination by the parents children are chosing to love some body. I feel parents cannot control their children. They have to only guide them. They can give liberty to chose whoever they like with some guidelines (like only within brahmin community etc). If parents become a bit more liberal i feel this issue could get a better solution.

 

[kunjuppu]

balaji,

you are really a breath of fresh air to this thread.

giving your background helps to appreciate your stand. one thoda question because you left it out - was yours a love or arranged marriage?

judging from the many many notes here from parents, it looks like parents, atleast those who are writing in this thread, would be only too happy to fnd a brahmin bride for their sons.

why do you think there is an overwhelming shortage of available girls in our community?

so many reasons have been given here - do you think any of them are valid?

do you know of any young women who have married out of the caste? if so would you mind asking them to post here, giving their reasons.

one thing, we have not heard, is the voice of the chief ingredient ie young single or just married girls. we need their feedback, to make any solutions realistic.

so far, we have not come with either immediate or long term practical workable solutions.

only more anguishings, which appear to ride one on top of the other, in resulting ruining of lives through love marriages.

i can understand the angst among the traditional minded, but what is the use of அரச்ச மாவு fying the whole affair, without coming up with solutions.

for the over 30 year old unmarried males every additional day waiting for a bride, trusting his parents, his community and his values, appears to me, all these discussions, much akin to nero playing the violin while rome was burning.

solutions are the immediacy of today. not more hand wringing or playing the blame games.

thank you.

ps. i seriously think, for the sake of the next generation, the childbearing capable couples should have atleast 4 children per family; not the onesies and the twosies or sometimes even the no-sies that we see today.

 

[kunjuppu]

this has been a sad thread for me.

once again, it is another of 'something that we used to take for granted' failing us.

personally, i think, there are other blessings that we have enjoyed as a community in the recent past, while not countering this particular sense of loss, has offered enough to cushion some of the perceived harsh side effects such as this one.

i am a person who believes in searching for solutions to problems.

living in north america, we hindus, tend to blessedly drop our caste, i think within one generation. atleast, this is my observation.

i am not saying it is a good or bad thing, but a fact. also, it does not seem to be bothering the parents to a great extent. atleast, again this is my perception.

i read the stories of pann or uksharma, and i cannot but feel for those involved.

and my only suggestion, re taking brides from other castes or brahmin girls from other states, appear not to have received with the practicality of a problem being resolved.

i get some inspirations under the shower, and here, bang it came.

how about a girl marrying multiple husbands? perhaps it was due to the discussion of draupadi in another thread, that was the inspiration for this idea.

i heard, a few years ago, that there are some hindu groups in kashmir, where due to dearth of women, the girls were wedded to more than one guy.

why not we TBs adopt it?

it satisfies the inherent need to marry within one's own caste. it is good for the girl, because, in one muhurtham, she gets to wed two guys, who badly want to marry her - or marry a willing woman of the same caste.

our 30+ aged bachelors might jump at this proposal, and even willing to chip in re the cost of the wedding. after all a 50% shared wife is better than no wife at all?

details like, who ties the thali first, who has the rights to the first night, what gothram the child belongs (maybe dna tests?) and several other details may be worked out through the marriage negotiations.

also, it would be one big raspberry at our girls, who appear to shun our virgin sincere boys, for more dashing kollywood type heroes.

takers anyone?

also, an appeal to our vedic erudite members. maybe there are more folks than the pandavas who shared a wife.

due to the fact, that this is mentioned not as an ill demeanor in mahabharatha, it might be acceptable to the traditionally minded folks among us.

i think, this is an option, that is best discussed in the context of our scriptures and be a source to start another fashion trend.

i do not write this post in jest. i am coming up with solutions for our distressed youths without bridal prospects. i wish this to be regarded with seriousness. please.

thank you.

ps.. as a bonus, here is some advice from a lucky 31 year old navaneetha krishna kannan. i enjoyed it. please look for it under friday oct 30th. thx.

http://idlyvadai.blogspot.com/

 

[pvraman]

I think, extra marital affairs are a totally different issue and its not a a phenominon. Its a issue of individual cases.

In the case of B girl loving NB boy,

There is one important aspect , when a girl turns 13 she enters into a new world, she starts to see the changes in her body, emotionally, physically and lot of questions comes to her mind which will become the foundation of her future behaviours and action.

So, at this time, one of the parents should be paying huge attention And clarify her doubts she must be taught about the physical changes she is going through. If the family member has no time to discuss with her, she starts to get the advices from her friends and enter into the fantasy world so much so that all other things become relatively less important (such as caste, values etc etc)

I feel that parents should understand and guide the female child when she enters into teenage. Spend lot of time. Encourage her and become her trust worthy friend first.

 

[pannvalan]

[FONT=&quot]SOLUTIONS SUGGESTED[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]DOS AND DONTS FOR PARENTS[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]1.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Parents shall not impose their views and ideologies on their children.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]2.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All decisions regarding important aspects in the life of the children, including higher education, career choice and marriage, must not be unduly influenced by and determined by the personal experiences of the parents.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]3.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Parents should not impose too many restrictions on the movements of their children, which may deprive them of their freedom.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]4.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]At the same time, parents must keep a tab on the movement of their children, by talking to their close friends and their parents and also by making enquiries with any other person/s who are believed to know more about the behaviour of them outside the home. It is not spying on their own children, but as a responsible parent, it is the duty of every parent to monitor their children in the interest of their future. But, this is a very sensitive area and requires great amount of tact.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]5.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Parents shall not attribute motives to every speech, action and behaviour of their kids and shall never create an impression in the young minds that they are being suspected by their own parents. This will be counter-productive and may instigate the children to rebel. The results will be disastrous and irreversible.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]6.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Marriage of children shall not be unduly delayed. Ideal age to marry is 25-30 years for boys and 23-27 years for girls.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]7.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Children should be made to distinguish between what is infatuation and what is true love.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]8.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Parents shall not be too rigid on minimum qualification and income of the boy, while searching for a match for daughter. There may be some compromises here.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]9.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Economic Status (read as wealth) and Social Status must not be accorded undue importance and weight, though they need not be overlooked.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]10.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Similarly, basing on horoscopes, too many filters shall not be created on either side – boy’s or girl’s. If they are done, it will reduce the probability of getting a good match and will result in delays.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]11.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Strict adherence to one’s own sub-sect may not be a viable proposal and it will not guarantee a perfect match.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]12.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It is sufficient, if the boy and the girl are just Brahmins, even if they are of different identities like Iyer and Iyengar.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]13.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When the character of the boy or girl is found satisfactory, some amount of sacrifice can be made in all other factors.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]14.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If the son or daughter invites some of their college friends or office colleagues to home, it need not be apprehended that it will necessarily end in love marriage only.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]15.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If the son or daughter chooses his/her own companion (what we call love), there is no need to panic and condemn it outright. Without rejecting the proposal, its merits and demerits may be analyzed in depth and openly discussed with all the adults in the family and their viewpoints also are to be taken into consideration.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]16.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Even if the son or daughter really brings a love marriage proposal, parents may discuss it with all the stake-holders, especially the boy and girl, without any reservation or inhibition. Parents of the other side also must be invited to present their viewpoints and their support or opposition to the proposal is to be ascertained, without any ambiguity or misconception.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]17.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]There is nothing wrong in a love marriage per se. Blind opposition need not be displayed.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]18.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Finally, it is after all the considered choice of their adult children, who are mature enough to chart the course of their future. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]19.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If the parents cannot bless their children, at least let them not curse them.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]20.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]May God save the children.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]DOS AND DONTS FOR THE CHILDREN[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]1.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Children must learn to respect the wisdom and experiences of their parents.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]2.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Children must realize that no responsible and truly loving parent will wish any harm to their children.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]3.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Whatever told by the parents is in the best interests of them (children) and greater amount of trust is to be placed in the parents.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]4.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All parental advices need not be taken as curtailing one’s freedom and imposition of their (parents) decisions on the children, much against their wish.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]5.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Though clarifications can be sought and differing opinions can be voiced, always fighting with the parents will do no good to either.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]6.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Children, should not misunderstand their parents, if they come to know about the fact they are kept under constant watch by their parents. They must take it as something arising out of the natural and genuine concerns of any parent, regarding their kids well-being and progress.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]7.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]To free one from the perceived or imaginary shackles of parental control, one need not resort to love marriage, as a mark of protest and to demonstrate one’s independence.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]8.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All arranged marriages are not bad and they need not be taken as producing illusory bonds. Majority of the arranged marriages are also successful and in fact, the failure rate in them, as compared to love marriages, is far less.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]9.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]There is nothing wrong in talking to the parents and listening to them, as and when felt necessary. There need be no apprehensions or reservations.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]10.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Some misguided youth, with the objective of taking revenge on their parents, whom they consider as dictators, choose the path of love and spoil their own life.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]11.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It is not mandatory that every youth has to fall in love. All of those who do not fall in love with somebody, will not be branded as “Asattu Ammanji” by their peers. There need not be any fears on this score.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]12.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Just for the sake of ‘thrill’, one should not look for chances of loving a youth of the opposite sex. It must be realized it is a life matter and ‘trial and error’ method will not help here. In South Indian Brahmin families, we have not yet gone thus far, to try something, leave it and again aim something else.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]13.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Love marriages are not the panacea for all social evils. Moreover, all that is perceived as ‘love’ initially may not be real love at all. It may very well end in disappointment, strained relationships and even disputes and quarrels, finally leading to divorce.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]14.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]To the extent possible, even love marriages must take place only with the consent, support and blessings of the parents on both sides.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]15.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The youth must think so many times about the familial relationships and social implications of their action, before leaving the house and marrying a person of their choice.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]16.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Marriage is not just an enabling contract that creates a life-long relationship between a male and a female. It is much, much more. Along with the new relationship, marriage brings with it a whole new set of thoughts and beliefs, cultural practices, new food habits, acquiring relationship with a totally hitherto unknown group of people on the other side, with their likeable and not so likeable characteristics and status. One can only choose an ideal match (boy/girl), but the choice of having an ideal set of people, related to that boy/girl is certainly not in our hands.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]COMMON TO BOTH PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]1.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Finally, having a free and frank talk between the parents and their children and frequent interactions between them, without interfering in others’ routine[/FONT][FONT=&quot] will produce excellent results.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]2[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Adjustment, what is colloquially called ‘mutual give and take’ is the best policy for everyone, regardless of one’s age and role.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GENERAL[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Like large scale religious conversions, large scale inter-caste marriages also are not healthy for any community, as it indicates a social malaise or a social conspiracy. It causes widespread concerns and stokes up communal disturbances too. Unfortunately, Brahmins being satvic in nature, they are always at the receiving end, suffering in silence, which unfortunately cannot be gauged or understood by their own community youth.[/FONT]

 

[venkatpasupathy]

Shri Paanvalan,
Your suggested solutions are interesting. The most important thing is the trust level between the parent and the child. In the present day context trust between parents and children is very important. Parents should treat the children as adults when they grow up and the children also shopuld respond positively to the parents' approach. Venkat

 

[pannvalan]

Thanks Venkat.

Please spell my name correctly. 'pannvalan' stands for a person who is proficient in 'panns', otherwise called a lyricist. But, you have made me a 'panwala'.

The other day, another friend called me 'pannavalan'. Why confusion with Tamil names?

 

[C RAVI]

Kaalam maari pochu.....kaalam maari pochu.....

That's what we can say now a days.....

I feel there is nothing to surprise for us to find Brahmin Girls marrying Non-Brahmin boys

Brahmin Girls are educated well and working as professionals. They have vast social circle and lots of liberty.

Generally girls have the tendency to compare themselves with other girls among relatives, neighbors, colleagues and friends...

They have a cumulative check list to filter their selection process to find a perfect match....

Today's girls are not narrow minded...They are much broad minded and have no discriminations against any boy from any family background / Religion / Cast.

NAMMAVA, MATHTHAVA ENA ENDA VERUBAADU ELLAMAL NYAAYAMAAGA SEYAL PADUGRARGAL INDHA KAALA PENGAL...

A perfect guy to be considered as a partner should have the following qualities irrespective of their Religion and Cast.


01) A TALL GUY
02) A VERY FAIR & HANDSOME GUY
03) HAVING GOOD PHYSIQUE
04) HIGHLY QUALIFIED
05) EARNING ALTEAST RS.30000/- PER MONTH
06) OWN A HOUSE AND A CAR
07) GIVE FULL FREEDOM TO WIFE
08) NOT TO EXPECT WIFE'S EARNINGS TO BE SHARED TO RUN THE FAMILY
07) BE VERY HUMOROUS
08) BE VERY LOVING
09) BE VERY ATTENTIVE
10) TO LIKE FREQUENT OUTING & DINNING-OUT

If a guy could fit himself to the above check list of today's girl than that guy would be qualified to be married. Religion and Cast dose not matter ever...

These girls can wait for any long time in finding their perfect match unmindful of their age.

Almost all the girls (of any cast) are following the above. We can not say that only Brahmin Girls are very selective...Educated and working girls from all the communities are following the above check list.

INDIA IS DEVELOPING A LOT ECONOMICALLY AND THE HUMAN LIFE IS NO EXCEMPTION OWING TO THE INFLUENCE OF WESTERN CULTURE WHERE EVERY ONE IS FREE TO LIVE THEIR LIFE THE WAY THEY WANT...

WE CANNOT ALLWAYS BLAME OUR PARENTS....TODAY'S GIRLS ARE CONFIDENT AND PARTICULAR ABOUT MAKING THEIR OWN CHOICE UNMINDFUL OF PARENT'S ADVICES.

AMBI MAARGAL YAARAAVADHU 35 VAYISU VARAI KALYAAN AAGAMAL IRUNDHAL AVA AMMA APPA ARIYAADA EDHAAVADHU OUR ANAATHA PENNAI KALYAANAM SAIYA VENDHIYADHU DHAAN....

ORU PONNUKKU VAAZHKAI KUDUTHADAAGA IRUKKUM. ORU PUNNIYA KAARIMAAGA IRUKKUM. ENDHA JADHI, ENDHA MADHATHAI SENDHAVAL THERIYAADHA NAAL, MANASUM SANGADA PADAATHU...

IDHU YEN KARUTHTHU MATTUMME.


Excuse me if I am wrong in expressing my opinion...

Cheers...

RAVI

 

[pannvalan]

You are talking from an urban, no metropolitan perspective, regarding people from the professionally qualified and high earning group.

But, such people, particularly girls, who want to take independent decisions and who are very calculative in their approach constitute less than 10% of the general population.

I call their nature 100% selfishness, without minding and heeding others. But, one may ask me, is it wrong or a sin to be like that?

Nalla velai, kaalam innum avvalavu kettu pogavillai. Kadavulukku nandri.

 

[pannvalan]

I am eager to know the details of one such check-list the present day male youths have, for choosing their companion.

 

[RVR]

Pannvalan ji,

I read your case studies with interest.

Please keep it up

All the best

 

[C RAVI]

Namaskaram Pannvalan ji...

I am 33 years old and my brother is 35 years old. Some of our know friends from different communities are between 31 and 35 years. We all are still unmarried.

We are looking for a partner and helping our parents to the level best possible to find one.

We have registered our profile in matrimonial sites and keeping the fingers crossed to find any suitable girl's profile.

90% of the profiles expectations are as indicated in my check-list prepared by today's girl.

Girls with simple expectations are few. Ironically out of these few the proposal gets rejected either by girl's parents because of their own preferences or because of 50% of Horoscope compatibility.

And as a matter of fact the scope of selection from the majority remains ruled out.

Off course we have analyzed the checklist prepared by we guys...dreaming to find a life partner...

1) BE A EDUCATED GIRL - EDUCATION ANY
2) BE A WORKING GIRL - ANY
3) GOOD LOOKING
4) BROAD MINDED
5) LOVING & CARING

As I could feel that I am directly related to this topic (as I am looking for my partner) I am trying to reveal the hard facts of the today's society...

It's not that I am trying to react based on my experiences....Perhaps my comments are based on lot of feedbacks from many of my known bachelors who all are sailing on the same boat.


Cheers...

RAVI

 

[pannvalan]

With my limited knowledge about the present day's marriage market, I wish to say a few lines.

1. Please search for a bride from small towns, because neither rural nor metro area
girls may meet your expectations.

2. I wish to repeat what I told my brother, when he was looking for a bride for
himself.

Divide the eligibility criteria of the girl into three.

(a) Very essential and absolutely no compromise on these vital parameters.
(b) Important, but some compromises here and there can be considered.
(c) Superficial/Peripheral/Not so important factors, on which major sacrifices can
be thought of, if the girl scores really good marks in the first two categories.

3. Consult your elders, friends and relatives. No harm. But let the final decision be
yours only.

4. One more secret. If the girl's family is not financially sound, you may even
clandestinely help them to perform the marriage. (But, be careful, you should not
make yourselves cheap and others should not think that you are madly after the
girl. Hence, conduct yourselves with dignity).

5. On certain things, have an open talk with the girl concerned beforehand. Nothing
to be postponed for post-marriage consultations and decisions.

6. Also, one request. Don't detain the photographs of any girl for long. If not
satisfactory, return the photo within a week or so. (Some boys want more time,
on the pretext they await the opinion of their parents/close friends/some other
relative).

7. 'Penn paarkkum padalam' is the most harrowing phase for any girl. Therefore, see
only a few girls in person, formally. (I would advise not more than 2).

8. Grounds for rejecting any girl must be clear and made known to the girl's parents,
in a polite manner. Don't offer lame excuses and take shelter under the supposed
and non-existent incompatibility of horoscopes.

9. Most importantly, make discreet enquiries. At one stage, this process must be
brought to an end and shall not be prolonged unnecessarily.

10. Once the decision is taken, leave the rest to Almighty.

I wish you good luck and am eager to hear good news from you soon.

 

[sugaz007]

I do not encourage / discourage intercaste marriage. However it all depends on both of them - if they adjust with each other they can live happily.

 

[kunjuppu]

congrats பண்வளன். please let me know if this is the right way to hear your moniker here. thanks.

you have said it all in your guidelines to the parents/children & also marriage guidelines. these are common sense, but not so commonly present. i think so anyways.

your p/c guidelines, are equally applicable to north american TB parents as well. in my opinion, most of us here don't handle it well.

except, that we accept the children's selected partners as fait accompli. nothing wrong in that, except some active intervention or advice against bad choices may be appropriate but missing.

i think a boy's ideal age should be narrowed 23 - 26, because i have heard that he sexually peaks at 25. i would presume, that most of our boys in india, would not have had sexual experience outside of marriage. this value, i think, still stands.

women have a sexual potency till their late 30s.

another point: i think it is good, to publicly announce that the boy is paying for 50% or even the full wedding. i am surprised at the supposed loss of 'face' for publicising this.

பண்வளன், i have heard this before. maybe i have been too long away from india, to appreciate some of social sensibilities.

i wish to say, my own suggestions, re arranged marriages by parents, across castes/language was a way out of current predicament. so is the draupadi example. possible solutions. many more such are needed. i think so.

though, i am proud of my heritage, personally, i think, marriage ultimately is an affair between two people (families). in this context adjustments, no matter what the caste is, is essential.

marrying within folks, who have as much in common with us, makes the process of running a household smoother. the less the things to adjust. this is a big plus for same caste marriage, if not anything else.

still marriage is an institution, which is like a plant. it needs constant tender loving care, mutual regard, affection and respect for each other. without these, same caste or not, does not make any difference.

folks like uksharma, RAVI are beginning to think out of the box, to come up with solutions, for indeed time and tide wait for no man. young men cannot simply afford to pine and waste away their life, hoping for a mate from their own group.

the other needs such as the need to mate, family, procreate all compel us to make decisions to marry outside our caste, which we might have abhorred a few years ago.

to folks like saptha, i wish to say, that this is what i mean, that we should never be hard on someone making a decision that we think is abhorrent. who knows, we may make the same decision, in a few years, due to changed circumstances.

my prayers for happy married life for guys who have participated here and looking for brides.

God Bless.

 

[silverfox]

Pannvalan and Kunjuppu:
Excellent advice.
By the way, what does 'பண்வளன்' mean in Tamil?
Thanks!

 

[happyhindu]

do you know of any young women who have married out of the caste? if so would you mind asking them to post here, giving their reasons.

one thing, we have not heard, is the voice of the chief ingredient ie young single or just married girls. we need their feedback, to make any solutions realistic.

Sir,

From the view point of young girls who have married out of caste (that is, those who married NBs) am able to say this.

The only reason seems to be this: love just happens. They do not plan it, nor do they go looking for it. It just happens, either at work or at college. And once in love, they are not interested in giving importance to caste.

I have no idea what attracts them. Sometimes its looks, sometimes its the nature, sometimes it just the ability to feel comfortable with the guy, sometimes its a result of deep friendship turned love....

 

[C RAVI]

Million thanks to Mr.Pannvalan and Mr.Kunjuppu.....

I am sure that if I speak of marrying an orphan girl ( as I wished from my mid 20's to help them making their dreams come true) to my parents, they will start crying and would resist me from doing this....So far I kept quite for their sake, as I can not satisfy my wishes making my parents upset.

For the satisfaction of my parents I would never marry a orphan girl till they are alive.

But having expressed my self and highlighting the facts, I am really happy to find positive feedbacks from you both....

I don't know as how you would be reacting to such opinions of your boys as parents, but it is really soothing to find such a constructive feedback, guidelines, suggestions etc...from you both over here, clearly understanding the plight of today’s bachelors.

Wish elder member's of tamilbrahmins.com evaluate every issues and suggestions considering the present generation, the current scenario and the practicality of today's life and keep advising and encouraging all the members as mentors.

Once again I thank you both for suggestions and blessings...

Cheers...

RAVI

 

[pannvalan]

Dear Silverfox,

'pannvalan' endraal, pannisaithu paada koodiya paakkalai iyatruvathil, migundha/valamaana arivum, thiramaiyum kondavan.

It is a pseudonym, I chose for myself.