Women and engineer problem in marriage

[kunjuppu]

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No way, you are #1 in this site.:noidea:

you are asking, nay begging, for trouble prasad

 

[Raji Ram]

No way, you are #1 in this site.

Are you so poor in math, Prasad Sir!!

 

[prasad1]

Are you so poor in math, Prasad Sir!!

Not at all, it was a deliberate, and calculated statement. Who dares to challenge it? (other than Raji mam, that too out of modesty).

 

[amala]

You're nothing like Becky (I even forgot her name!). I'd say you're more like Meg or Jo (what with all the DIY you do). Not Amy either coz she's vain

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Prasad Sir and Amala,

Thanks for your appreciation!

I found a FEW similarities in the basic characters of those four sisters in the story

and also the four of us which I have mentioned in my earlier post!

 

[Subramanian Natarajan]

Like Rahi ram said before,

Guys should just focus completely on career/earning right from school days and stay disciplined.

And marry at or before 25,go for arranged marriage,if not brahmin go for naidu/naicker/pillaimaar,they r fine too.

 

[kunjuppu]

this is a real family story, updated by recently chennai returned mrs K.

one girl cousin, now 50+ with VR. when young married, husband turned out to be fond of cigarettes, alcohol and horses. all his income went that way. the lady always used to moan, and enjoyed being pitied and 'paavamed'. to match the attitude, she had a sorrow face all along.

the family lived on the mother's junior clerk govt salary, as the dad spend all the money on his vices. otherwise, he was a kind guy, and a particularly loving father.

two smart daughters, பால் வெளுப்பு அழகு சொட்டும்.

after graduation, about 15 years ago, the older one, got IT job, married I/C. 2 years the marriage failed. she got assigned to usa, and very soon found 2nd husband there, who wanted to marry her so badly, she had to rush to india to get the divorce papers.

the older sister, who had borrowed money for ECE also financed the younger sister education ECE, and soon the young followed the older sister footsteps, top IT company and posted in UK. where she found an IC groom.

both happily married now, and the paavam lady, travels with vice hubby, to usa and uk, helping out grand children birth (5) and rest of time in india.

the lady gets only 700 rupees pension. the husband has no money. but they live in good comfort and style whenever in chennai, with own flat and all that. on query, she proudly mentioned, both daughters send money. only one condition, the lady should nag the father, and to let him indulge in his cigarettes and scotch whiskey

now my query: for a short while, when the older daughter was marriageable, she approached for grooms. all involved expenses, and no brahmin was willing to marry free or pay the wedding expenses. these people were that poor. the elder girl was firm re her value and told these potential groom family to go take a hike.

both the girls paid only the cost of the registrar for the marriges. and with their handsome earning, support the parents. the grooms, both of them, do not even, come into the picture, when parental support is considered.

now, i have heard of all complaints against IT girls. and how unreasonable and arrogant these are.

i am giving a true story,where our tambram neanderthal male son attitude, made, two pretty girls, to marry IC. and very happy lives, and comfortable retirement for the parents.

 

[sangom]

this is a real family story, updated by recently chennai returned mrs K.

one girl cousin, now 50+ with VR. when young married, husband turned out to be fond of cigarettes, alcohol and horses. all his income went that way. the lady always used to moan, and enjoyed being pitied and 'paavamed'. to match the attitude, she had a sorrow face all along.

the family lived on the mother's junior clerk govt salary, as the dad spend all the money on his vices. otherwise, he was a kind guy, and a particularly loving father.

two smart daughters, பால் வெளுப்பு அழகு சொட்டும்.

after graduation, about 15 years ago, the older one, got IT job, married I/C. 2 years the marriage failed. she got assigned to usa, and very soon found 2nd husband there, who wanted to marry her so badly, she had to rush to india to get the divorce papers.

the older sister, who had borrowed money for ECE also financed the younger sister education ECE, and soon the young followed the older sister footsteps, top IT company and posted in UK. where she found an IC groom.

both happily married now, and the paavam lady, travels with vice hubby, to usa and uk, helping out grand children birth (5) and rest of time in india.

the lady gets only 700 rupees pension. the husband has no money. but they live in good comfort and style whenever in chennai, with own flat and all that. on query, she proudly mentioned, both daughters send money. only one condition, the lady should nag the father, and to let him indulge in his cigarettes and scotch whiskey

now my query: for a short while, when the older daughter was marriageable, she approached for grooms. all involved expenses, and no brahmin was willing to marry free or pay the wedding expenses. these people were that poor. the elder girl was firm re her value and told these potential groom family to go take a hike.

both the girls paid only the cost of the registrar for the marriges. and with their handsome earning, support the parents. the grooms, both of them, do not even, come into the picture, when parental support is considered.

now, i have heard of all complaints against IT girls. and how unreasonable and arrogant these are.

i am giving a true story,where our tambram neanderthal male son attitude, made, two pretty girls, to marry IC. and very happy lives, and comfortable retirement for the parents.

Dear Kunjuppu,

I do not think it is correct to blame "tambram neanderthal male son attitude" etc., for the IC marraiges of those two girls. Many tabra males in the marriage market are not placed in a position like the two IC husbands who "do not even, come into the picture, when parental support is considered."; these boys out here may allow the wife to support her parents but the total income of the husband & wife is the earning of the family and the husband wishes to have as much info and say about the wife's salary as the wife desires to have about her husband's income. I do not consider this an undesirable attitude. If the wife wants such complete non-interference in her monetary affairs, she should have considered a live-in arrangement. By having an IC marriage before a registrar, the girl gets to have the best of both the worlds. I sincerely feel that our tabra community here is not "progressive" enough to allow this in the name of marriage. What you consider as neanderthal attitude (do we have any clear, scientifically proven knowledge about how it was in the neanderthal age?) is there imo. But I think it is not, after all, such a bad thing.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Kunjuppu,

I do not think it is correct to blame "tambram neanderthal male son attitude" etc., for the IC marraiges of those two girls. Many tabra males in the marriage market are not placed in a position like the two IC husbands who "do not even, come into the picture, when parental support is considered."; these boys out here may allow the wife to support her parents but the total income of the husband & wife is the earning of the family and the husband wishes to have as much info and say about the wife's salary as the wife desires to have about her husband's income. I do not consider this an undesirable attitude. If the wife wants such complete non-interference in her monetary affairs, she should have considered a live-in arrangement. By having an IC marriage before a registrar, the girl gets to have the best of both the worlds. I sincerely feel that our tabra community here is not "progressive" enough to allow this in the name of marriage. What you consider as neanderthal attitude (do we have any clear, scientifically proven knowledge about how it was in the neanderthal age?) is there imo. But I think it is not, after all, such a bad thing.

dear sangom,

i am yet to see in any advertisement, marriage sites or even when i challenged the bachelors here - would anyone of them marry for free or pay for the entire wedding expense.

not one takers.

there are many poor tambram girls only families like this one who have no money saved for a wedding. i see a few cases in kerala iyers trust, where all the money has been spent on medical expenses for one of the parent.

i know, in this case, the mother searched for 6 months. the most she could find, were people, who did not want dowry or diamonds - but wedding expenses must be borne by the bride's families. what to do when there is no money?

somewhere that time, the older girl decided to take matters into her own hands. she failed the first marriage, but was smart enough to call it quits, and try again.

i have asked mothers who solicited here, if they would mind contributing to their son's wedding, and 100% response was a solid NO. we still have leftover attitudes.

it seems to have eased up with the upper tambram classes.

i am attending two wedding in chennai in august. one where the budget is 75 lakhs (yes 75 lakhs) for the 3 day hoopla. divided 50/50 by the boys' and girls' parents.

the other wedding, the offer from the boys' side for 50/50 was refused by the girls' father, who felt it a matte of pride to foot the whole bill.

we appear to have two extremes, but no empathy for the paupers. i was just trying to prove a point here, re our attitudes - the traditional one of which there appear to be a lot of supporters. yes, the girls had best of both the worlds, but they did not realize this when their mother started distributing the oldest one's jadhagam.

incidentally there is another interesting development and i dont know how this will end. a rich girl has fallen in love with a lower than lower middle class boy - both are tamil brahmins. there is a lot of resistance and opposition from the girl's family and it has been going on for a while now. what is the traditional attitude for this one from the public?

i dont know but i wonder about our adherence to many a unreasonable attitudes, all in the name of purity of caste and upholding tradition. let us see

re the wife's desire to support her parents, i think there should be no second guessing there. it is her rightfully earned income, and there is a need for parental support. what is wrong with her sending the money to help her parents. after all, they did the same, as the boy's parents did. the traditionalists here too, want the girl's income for themselves.

 

[prasad1]

this is a real family story, updated by recently chennai returned mrs K.

one girl cousin, now 50+ with VR. when young married, husband turned out to be fond of cigarettes, alcohol and horses. all his income went that way. the lady always used to moan, and enjoyed being pitied and 'paavamed'. to match the attitude, she had a sorrow face all along.

the family lived on the mother's junior clerk govt salary, as the dad spend all the money on his vices. otherwise, he was a kind guy, and a particularly loving father.

two smart daughters, பால் வெளுப்பு அழகு சொட்டும்.

after graduation, about 15 years ago, the older one, got IT job, married I/C. 2 years the marriage failed. she got assigned to usa, and very soon found 2nd husband there, who wanted to marry her so badly, she had to rush to india to get the divorce papers.

the older sister, who had borrowed money for ECE also financed the younger sister education ECE, and soon the young followed the older sister footsteps, top IT company and posted in UK. where she found an IC groom.

both happily married now, and the paavam lady, travels with vice hubby, to usa and uk, helping out grand children birth (5) and rest of time in india.

the lady gets only 700 rupees pension. the husband has no money. but they live in good comfort and style whenever in chennai, with own flat and all that. on query, she proudly mentioned, both daughters send money. only one condition, the lady should nag the father, and to let him indulge in his cigarettes and scotch whiskey

now my query: for a short while, when the older daughter was marriageable, she approached for grooms. all involved expenses, and no brahmin was willing to marry free or pay the wedding expenses. these people were that poor. the elder girl was firm re her value and told these potential groom family to go take a hike.

both the girls paid only the cost of the registrar for the marriges. and with their handsome earning, support the parents. the grooms, both of them, do not even, come into the picture, when parental support is considered.

now, i have heard of all complaints against IT girls. and how unreasonable and arrogant these are.

i am giving a true story,where our tambram neanderthal male son attitude, made, two pretty girls, to marry IC. and very happy lives, and comfortable retirement for the parents.

Mr. K,
I have similar story, and I fully understand where you are coming from. I just posted a similar view on why TB boys are having difficulty in finding mates who are educated and independent.

 

[kunjuppu]

Mr. K,
I have similar story, and I fully understand where you are coming from. I just posted a similar view on why TB boys are having difficulty in finding mates who are educated and independent.

i have another 2 cousins, again the same situation. genteel poverty - meaning no savings and the family of 2 sisters (with only moderate job skills) and a mother had to live by the earnings of the daughters. father not in the picture.

no tamil brahmin would marry them, even though both are very pretty. the older girl, in additon to a receptionist job at a major hotel, sang on the side in a music troup to earn a few extra ruppees. all varans wanted gold and wedding ceremoniously celebrated. the relatives, these days have their own responsibility and are unable to put up with the cash, however modest, needed for these functions.

so the older girl, married the drummer of the band, a evangelistic christian. the relatives protested, but the girl had the pat answer - where were they when all the varans came, and demanded so much in money to conduct a wedding. the mother had to convert to xtianity as a condition for the sil to take care of her. otherwise she would have been in the streets.

the younger daughter, married an older rich chettiar and moved on to outside of india.

simply put, there is no life for poor brahmin girls from the community as brides. and now the complaint is about the working girls earning handsome money! ha ha!!

the traditionalists talk big, but stuck as they are, in their selfish paradigms, they dont think of helping the community. these are quick to condemn and judge. i cannot find reason in this type of attitude.

 

[tbs]

hi K sir,


i am yet to see in any advertisement, marriage sites or even when i challenged the bachelors here - would anyone of them marry for free or pay for the entire wedding expense.

not one taker

sorry sir....i wont agree with u... i will tell another real story tooo....may be other side of the story....i myself told that we are ready to pay 100% of wedding expenses without dowry even

25 yrs ago..but my mom got bitter reply from tha gal's side....they said that...the boy may have some physical/mental problem...

other wise bridegroom never say like this...this is our tambra attitude....

பையனக்கு ஏதோ உடல் ஊனம் இருக்கும்....ஆகையால் தான் கல்யாண செலவு

மற்றும் வரதட்சினை வேண்டாம் என்று சொல்லுகிறார்கள் .....

 

[kunjuppu]

hi K sir,


i am yet to see in any advertisement, marriage sites or even when i challenged the bachelors here - would anyone of them marry for free or pay for the entire wedding expense.

not one taker

sorry sir....i wont agree with u... i will tell another real story tooo....may be other side of the story....i myself told that we are ready to pay 100% of wedding expenses without dowry even

25 yrs ago..but my mom got bitter reply from tha gal's side....they said that...the boy may have some physical/mental problem...

other wise bridegroom never say like this...this is our tambra attitude....

பையனக்கு ஏதோ உடல் ஊனம் இருக்கும்....ஆகையால் தான் கல்யாண செலவு

மற்றும் வரதட்சினை வேண்டாம் என்று சொல்லுகிறார்கள் .....

you are one case tbs. you cannot generalize on that. you need a more consensus in numbers.

i offered to marry my wife free of cost, in a temple. my mother went along, because she was so happy that i agreed to marry the girl of her choice. but my wife refused.

the reason being: she had saved up money for her marriage, and she would like to spend it, treat her friends, and get gifts from the office, because she has contributed so much. also if she did not spend the money, by default it would go to her siblings, and she felt that by right, it was her money for her enjoyment.

as i had no money to contribute,i had no say. and went silently along.

interestingly: i had wanted to wear a nice platinum veshti and white shirt for our reception. but she demurred. she insisted (& stitched for me) on a suit, which in the hot kathri veyyil, baked me to a nice red colour, at the end of the day

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

There are several such stories where the guys also face problems just because they have dependent parents.

It is the tambram custom to make the bride's parents shell out major part of the wedding expenses and the grooms

parents just have to share half the price of 'thirumAngalyam', the koorai saree, some jewel for the bride, ring for her

bother, dress for 'sambandhi' and two dozen blouse bits for the ladies from brides side who attend the grihapravEsam

in the groom's room in the madapam! Some clever relatives make the groom's parents pay for the train tickets for

the 'mAppiLLai' side (puLLa veettuk kalyANamthAnE! selavu paNNattumE!) We bought about 50 tickets to Bangalore!


Now about the poorer group. Boys earning less than 70 K per month do not have any chance of getting working girls as

partners and more so if he has dependent parents (they are nicknamed Rahu - kEthu by mod girls from Palakkad) If the

boys are ready to support the parents of poor girls then they might agree for the wedding but these guys don't wish to

have these sort of commitments! So...... the entire matter boils down to this: If the lower income group boys choose

poor girls and promise to support her family also with his income, then they might get married.


But, I have also seen the parents of some poor girls who wish to take a loan to catch a huge salaried mAppiLLai who will

support them for their entire life! Some are lucky to get a rich one without shelling out any money. I know one physically

handicapped (due to car crash) guy who earns in lakhs per month as a builder got a girl for a poor brahmin family, spent

for the entire wedding at Sing. Chennai (Ram and I too attended) and you know the update story now? The parents of that

girl who were once selling vadAms for their livelihood have become so snobbish that the entire village is awed by their new

kind of behavior!! :faint2:


Money always talks!! :blah:

 

[sangom]

Shri Kunjuppu,

What I wrote has not come out clearly, it seems, and we are - as usual - branching off into several topics.

My view is that whatever may be the earnings or economic levels of the husband & wife, once they get married the income of both of them forms the common income of their small, two-member family and so the husband has every legal right to know his wife's incomes and in deciding how it has to be spent. Just in the same way, the wife also has her legal right to know about her husband's income and in deciding how it has to be spent.

It seems to me that over there in the western world, the wife is a bit more than equal and she has her own way with her income and also has control over her husband's income and how he will spent it.

I said we people here have not "progressed" to that level. Nor do I think such progress is good.

 

[C RAVI]

Thanks to Shri TBS and Shmt.Raji Ram.

Especially to Shmt.Raji Ram because she spared her time and energy to make a valid post in detail.

---------------

A irresponsible and wrong doing father/husband spoiling the whole family show and changing the destiny of his children are there in every community across the globe. There are many stories of different types in different shades.

As far as matrimony is concerned, MONEY has become the determining factor and surrounding this MONEY people have expectations either on genuine grounds or out of craze.

The irony in our tambram community among families with good parents who have lived and living responsibly and strategically is, TB girls wants everything to roll up into one treasure pack and have it, nothing less. This leads to many guys and gals struggling to get a partner, obviously , as long as they want to marry from the same community.

 

[kunjuppu]

dear raji,

when we discuss 'poor' here we discuss lower middle class. there are branches of my family in that position - they are not starving, have jobs, rent their portion of house, no vehicles and live paycheck by paycheck.

i have told you two such 2 girl families. we have here yourself and others showering so much sympathy on our boys unable to marry, but i am giving two cases in my family, both close through marriage, where the girls were 'abandoned' by the family and the community.

it happened within past 15 years, after the IT boom. one set of girls prospered through it, and took advantage to set up their own life on their terms. you should see the eyes glow from the varans, when the mother used to translate the dollar value into ruppees. yes, the suggestion was that money can be borrowed, but the girl once married, income belonged to the in laws. the younger sister should pay off the debts. and take care of the mother. back to back 3 cases like this. the older had enough. and the rest is history.

the second case is pathetic. these people are lineage of famous carnatic musicians. the girls both have music in them, and the older one now sings christian propaganda songs. such is how the lineage is put to use, because of greed of the boys and their families.

every boys' family, while these are in their twenties, looks upon theboy as a cash cow. or at the most, spending zero on the son's wedding. well girls are forced to seek alternatives if they wanted husbands and families. both the girls in the second case, were tired of living alone with their mother, bearing family burdens. anyone willing to take over these was welcome, irrespective of caste or creed.

all our brahmin heroes wanted was 'simple' wedding, but must be in tune not to disgrace the guests. what hypocracy raji. which is why i get peeved, when people grudge the girls these days. by and large the attitude surprisingly has not changed. the traditionalists, appear to cut off their nose, to spite their face. good for them.

 

[prasad1]

Shri Kunjuppu,

What I wrote has not come out clearly, it seems, and we are - as usual - branching off into several topics.

My view is that whatever may be the earnings or economic levels of the husband & wife, once they get married the income of both of them forms the common income of their small, two-member family and so the husband has every legal right to know his wife's incomes and in deciding how it has to be spent. Just in the same way, the wife also has her legal right to know about her husband's income and in deciding how it has to be spent.

It seems to me that over there in the western world, the wife is a bit more than equal and she has her own way with her income and also has control over her husband's income and how he will spent it.

I said we people here have not "progressed" to that level. Nor do I think such progress is good.

I subscribed to this position all my life, but got a shock in last few months.
A couple broke up (divorce), the husband cleared the bank account, stopped paying the apartment rent, took the car and left town. The lady was on the street with the cloths on her back. We had to rescue her, and help her financially. The girl was on H4 visa and could not work. Under such circumstances both should have a separate next egg.

This happened in India, case is of a couple, who had everything in joint account. The husband died the sons sued for probate and froze all accounts, the mother was literally at the mercy of others till the judge decided.

In light of newer reality the ancient wisdom should be revised. Both Husband and wife should have separate account and save some rainy day fund, in addition they may have joint accounts.

 

[prasad1]

dear raji,

when we discuss 'poor' here we discuss lower middle class. there are branches of my family in that position - they are not starving, have jobs, rent their portion of house, no vehicles and live paycheck by paycheck.

i have told you two such 2 girl families. we have here yourself and others showering so much sympathy on our boys unable to marry, but i am giving two cases in my family, both close through marriage, where the girls were 'abandoned' by the family and the community.

it happened within past 15 years, after the IT boom. one set of girls prospered through it, and took advantage to set up their own life on their terms. you should see the eyes glow from the varans, when the mother used to translate the dollar value into ruppees. yes, the suggestion was that money can be borrowed, but the girl once married, income belonged to the in laws. the younger sister should pay off the debts. and take care of the mother. back to back 3 cases like this. the older had enough. and the rest is history.

the second case is pathetic. these people are lineage of famous carnatic musicians. the girls both have music in them, and the older one now sings christian propaganda songs. such is how the lineage is put to use, because of greed of the boys and their families.

every boys' family, while these are in their twenties, looks upon theboy as a cash cow. or at the most, spending zero on the son's wedding. well girls are forced to seek alternatives if they wanted husbands and families. both the girls in the second case, were tired of living alone with their mother, bearing family burdens. anyone willing to take over these was welcome, irrespective of caste or creed.

all our brahmin heroes wanted was 'simple' wedding, but must be in tune not to disgrace the guests. what hypocracy raji. which is why i get peeved, when people grudge the girls these days. by and large the attitude surprisingly has not changed. the traditionalists, appear to cut off their nose, to spite their face. good for them.

I like your post very much the highlighted portion in particular.

 

[amala]

I felt bad reading the earlier post yesterday about K sir's cousins and now have a lump in my throat after reading his post. Even yesterday nor today the two people here who go on and on about tambrahm girls have not addressed it properly. Just skipped around it and talked of something else. To have to change your religion because no one in your community offered to marry you (especially when they are moaning big time about not being able to get girl is heart breaking)

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Amala,

Did you read about the two grand weddings that Kunjuppu Sir is going to attend in India? Some girl's parents feel that

it will affect their prestige if the wedding expense is shared with the grooms side, where as some agree for a grand gala

wedding, sharing equally. The poor people are always put to task be it a guy or a girl and more so if their parents are

dependents. That is what I wanted to say! I feel very bad for those beautiful girls but even handsome guys who earn less

find it difficult to get brides.


One newbie has given his ad. in our matrimonial forum and has mentioned that his parents are dependent and their family

is orthodox. I know very well that it is difficult to search and a girl he expects. I can only wish him all the best in his search!

 

[Delhi6]

I initially clicked on this thread a few days ago hoping that there would be some humour about maladjusted nerdy engineers and women in their life post marriage.
However this thread was about something else and I did not post as I am not a TB. Then I started enjoying banter between Kunjuppu Sir and Raji Ma'am.

However due to despondency of one particular member (C. Ravi bhai thats you), a sudden flurry of threads on somewhat related topics and attendant demonisation of females especially TB's I have decided to post.

This will be a perspective from north of Vindhyas and that too of a very urban dilliwallah.
Few caveats before I proceed:

1. My family for last 3 generations has practiced inter-caste marriage. Maternal grandparents had arranged inter caste one. Barring my mom, all chittis had inter-caste marriages ( both lau and arranged). 3 cousins had lau IC marriages. Family now spans across the whole caste spectrum and much of India's geography. Btw does it make me Intellectually migrated? (charming phrase I must say.)

2. I see a perceptible trend in Delhi in middle class. That of arranged inter caste marriages. Must have attended 70 odd in last 8 years. To the horror of purists out here two of them were TB families. One with punju guy and other with bong female. I can assure you they were purely arranged and not lau cum arranged.

3. I have been brought by a career woman, all 9 of my chitttis were career woman, so are my cousin sisters and friends. I have huge respect for them. I am no feminist but am not anti female either. I also confess that the females who are like lilies that wilt in heat are not my cup of tea.

So read whatever I post in that light.

 

[Delhi6]

Now coming to the main question:
Have females gone crazy?

I would say they are playing the game just as hard as we guys did sometime ago. Only thing I see as excessive their extreme reluctance and at times outright refusal to put up with guys parents while ensuring their own parents are well cared for. Only this part is bothersome and I have personnel painful experience of the same.

Since no change of status quo is without its victims, In this change I am certain many guys of my generation and 10 yrs younger or so will be hit and hit hard if they are not able to come to terms with females assertiveness.

So whats the solution for this?

I guess there are no easy solutions and every individual will have to arrive at his own solutions.
My own is if you are unmarried till 30* and attached to your parents/elders its better to remain single, else you will be unfair to both your spouse as well as your folks.This is irrespective of how much you are earning. That is why I have chosen to remain single.

* The reason I am giving this arbitary figure of 30 is this:

I believe in first two years or so of marriage both set of in laws should be outlaws as any marriage (lau or arranged) will take that much time to find its rhythm and stabilise (basically SHQ will fine tune the mechanism to make hubby dance to her tunes by that time :evil.

I mean in first two years its not that there will be no fights and default option is to lean on the shoulder that has been there always which is parents. They will think think how dare he or she do this to my laadla beta/beti and from then on the marriage instead of being a couples shared enterprise will become a battle ground of egos of both set of parents.

One can do this only if parents are healthy and still not retired(thus financially not dependant) which may or may not be the case once you touch 30. Once marriage stabilises I personally believe that its possible to accommodate both set of parents(Am I being naive?).

So take it for its worth.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Amala,


One newbie has given his ad. in our matrimonial forum and has mentioned that his parents are dependent and their family

is orthodox. I know very well that it is difficult to search and a girl he expects. I can only wish him all the best in his search!

That's why I quoted his post, highlighted his specific expectations and wished him Good Luck!!

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Amala,

Did you read about the two grand weddings that Kunjuppu Sir is going to attend in India? Some girl's parents feel that

it will affect their prestige if the wedding expense is shared with the grooms side, where as some agree for a grand gala

wedding, sharing equally. The poor people are always put to task be it a guy or a girl and more so if their parents are

dependents. That is what I wanted to say! I feel very bad for those beautiful girls but even handsome guys who earn less

find it difficult to get brides.


One newbie has given his ad. in our matrimonial forum and has mentioned that his parents are dependent and their family

is orthodox. I know very well that it is difficult to search and a girl he expects. I can only wish him all the best in his search!

raji,

let me make this clear. i neither approve or endorse the huge spending. again i think, there is no abject poverty in tambrams, but what i would call genteel poverty. everyone has a job, clothes and roofing, but not the type of money saved up to squander on elaborate marriage. the lower middle class live paycheck to paycheck, and it is ridiculous to expect these to rent a kalyana mandapam, and all accompanying paraphernalia, plus the income of the girl after marriage. it is this attitude that i keep shreaking against, more out of sorrow and frustration, as i know, that nothing will change with some people, as is evidenced in the other threads floating around.

my attendance is more an obligation of a family due, and not an approval of the type of spending. my own son's wedding was in the city hall in brooklyn, in the presence of only the parents and siblings, much to the chagrin and anger of a wide spread circle of relatives, who told mrs K they were 'cheated' out of a grand function. my answer was plain and simple, 'this is a personal matter for my son' and what he wishes, he does.

to repeat, so that something of this enters some dense traditional heads, our community is not poor poor, but genteel poor sections are there like the two girl cousin episode. in both cases nobody starved or went roofless, but they could not find boys, without having to spend money. for them there is no life, if they stick adamantly to the tradition, for their very role models and support systems will fail them.

the marriage i am attending, are all blood related into either of the two coming weddings. one set of sisters will get invited, the other one wont. it is upto you to guess which is which. the attitude towards embarassment of poor and the unachievers, cuts right through our community. we appear to only go after the supposed 'winners' - a pretty skewed definition warped our prejudices.

finally, in one marriage, the big spending is to show that the fil can afford it, even though he barely can. the boys' side came up with creative ideas to reduce the mandapam charge to only one day but that runs to about 10 lakhs with a/c. in the other one, 80 lakhs, both the fathers have made it good, and to them, it is a show to tell the community how much they have succeeded. it is all self made money and a move from middle middle class to rich class.