Yet another failed marriage

[prasad1]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) LinkedIn WhatsApp Email Share Link

I have a silk tree in the corner of my office, it can take any amount of neglect. I do not have to water it, I do not have to repot it, it does not need sunlight. I have a live plant on the other corner, if i neglect it for 5 days, it lets me know it, and if i neglect it any more it dies.
The point is marriage is a relation that needs constant nurturing. The needs to nurture depends on the individual, but we still have to work on it. I can challenge that for every human being there is a breakpoint at which it is not worth continuing a relation. That breakpoint may differ depending on the individual, culture, time, and place. To save that a relation is sacred and that there is no breakpoint is simply ignoring the obvious.

 

[sravna]

I have a silk tree in the corner of my office, it can take any amount of neglect. I do not have to water it, I do not have to repot it, it does not need sunlight. I have a live plant on the other corner, if i neglect it for 5 days, it lets me know it, and if i neglect it any more it dies.
The point is marriage is a relation that needs constant nurturing. The needs to nurture depends on the individual, but we still have to work on it. I can challenge that for every human being there is a breakpoint at which it is not worth continuing a relation. That breakpoint may differ depending on the individual, culture, time, and place. To save that a relation is sacred and that there is no breakpoint is simply ignoring the obvious.

Exactly. The problem is with the individual, the culture and so on. I have no problem in accepting that.But even though in my opinion it is inviolable but still it is man made and you have the option of breaking it, I think the society has to face the consequences if indeed the violation takes place. There is no conclusive result yet on this but going by the trend in the western countries I think the consequences I am talking about are real.

And of course you have to nurture any relationship. How can you not afford to do that and take others for granted. It is just possessing the right attitude and trying to overcome your ego. I think any relationship should thrive with such an approach.

 

[prasad1]

Hindu marriage today is subject to, and governed by the Hindu Marriages Act, 1955 and its amendments by Parliament. This statute talks only of solemnizing a marriage; it does not make any reference to the "sacredness" of the ritual. It talks about completion of the marriage where the saptapadī is included in the customary rites. (For those hindus who do not have saptapadī as a part of their customary marriage ceremony, this does not apply.)

Now, in the case of tabras, the saptapadī is a part of their customary rites of marriage, but it consists of the groom taking the right toe of the bride with his fingers and making her take seven steps by the right side of the sacrificial fire, himself chanting the seven mantras starting with ekamiṣe viṣṇustānvetu etc. However, the law states that "Where such rites and ceremonies include the saptapadi (that is, the taking of seven steps by the bridegroom and the bride jointly before the sacred fire), the marriage becomes complete and binding when the seventh step is taken." (sec. 7(2) of the Act). Therefore, I feel our tabra marriages may, strictly according to the Law, be all null and void ! Hence, any talk about such invalid marriages being a sacred relationships loses its validity AFA tabra marriages are concerned, imo.

Another aspect of the hindu marriage is that according to our Dharmasastras (which governed the hindu marriages before the Hindu Code Bill was passed into Law by the Parliament, and which the Kanchi seer Chandrasekharendra Sarasvati himself wanted to be continued), there are eight types of marriages : brāhma, prājāpatya, ārṣa, daiva, gāndharva, āsura, rākṣasa and paiśāca. In the first four types, it was expexted that a girl should be a nāgnikā (one who looks pretty even without clothes, one who is nearing puberty, etc.,) at the time of marriage.

We have come a long way from all those beliefs and today, the tabra marriage is neither according to the Dharmasastras nor according to the Hindu Marriages Act, strictly speaking. Why then should we consider that marriage has still some "sacredness" attached to it? Is it because the males want to restrict the freedom of the woman for divorcing, by ascribing some kind of sacredness to a purely contractual but solemn agreement between a man and woman?

Yet another dimension about hindu marriages is what Atharva veda 5-17-8 & 9, says:

8. And if [there were] ten former husbands of a woman, not Brahmans,
provided a Brahman has seized her hand, he is alone her husband.

9. A Brahman [is] indeed her husband, not a noble (rājanya), not a
Vaiśya : this the sun goes proclaiming to the five races of men (mānava).

My mother used to say:

One guy was saying "ayak pal ayak pal", the other gay pointed out that "kada made kada made".
We are talking tangentially not with each other.
We are saying that a relationship is nothing "sacred", a relationship is only maintained by nurturing, and nothing inherently sacred.
Some others are assuming that by elevating it to sacred, it will survive by itself (as it it appears to have survived).
You can preserve a specimen of dodo bird in a museum, but the living bird has become extinct.
Similarly you have white tiger in captivity (in cages) and probably will not survive in the wild, but that is not true nature of a tiger. Similarly if an spouse stayed in an unhappy marriage, because it is "sacred", it is not natural. If two people of their own free will stayed in a relationship that is sacred to both of them.

 

[prasad1]

Exactly. The problem is with the individual, the culture and so on. I have no problem in accepting that.But even though in my opinion it is inviolable but still it is man made and you have the option of breaking it, I think the society has to face the consequences if indeed the violation takes place. There is no conclusive result yet on this but going by the trend in the western countries I think the consequences I am talking about are real.

And of course you have to nurture any relationship. How can you not afford to do that and take others for granted. It is just possessing the right attitude and trying to overcome your ego. I think any relationship should thrive with such an approach.

Ok here we go again.

What if nurturing by one party and the other refuses to participate, is there point at which it is better to give up and worry about yourself. We are not talking philosophically we are very much in the social realm.

When you talk of ego, are you implying that the women should give up her ego to boost the male (ego).

 

[sravna]

My mother used to say:

One guy was saying "ayak pal ayak pal", the other gay pointed out that "kada made kada made".
We are talking tangentially not with each other.
We are saying that a relationship is nothing "sacred", a relationship is only maintained by nurturing, and nothing inherently sacred.
Some others are assuming that by elevating it to sacred, it will survive by itself (as it it appears to have survived).
You can preserve a specimen of dodo bird in a museum, but the living bird has become extinct.
Similarly you have white tiger in captivity (in cages) and probably will not survive in the wild, but that is not true nature of a tiger. Similarly if an spouse stayed in an unhappy marriage, because it is "sacred", it is not natural. If two people of their own free will stayed in a relationship that is sacred to both of them.

Dear Shri Prasad,

The problem is you want to end an unhappy marriage because you have the option of ending it. Assume you dont have this option. Wouldn't you find ways to improve the relationship? That in fact would enhance your personality. After all both of you consented to marry in the first place. If the reason for consent to marry is not a solid one I very much doubt that your subsequent escapades would be any more pleasant than the first one. If you try to inculcate higher principles even if forcefully, it helps you to give more solace than any of the alternatives that have cropped up as a replacement for marriage. imo

 

[prasad1]

Dear Shri Prasad,

The problem is you want to end an unhappy marriage because you have the option of ending it. Assume you dont have this option. Wouldn't you find ways to improve the relationship? That in fact would enhance your personality. After all both of you consented to marry in the first place. If the reason for consent to marry is not a solid one I very much doubt that your subsequent escapades would be any more pleasant than the first one. If you try to inculcate higher principles even if forcefully, it helps you to give more solace than any of the alternatives that have cropped up as a replacement for marriage. imo

I am sorry I thought both partners in a marriage are equal. There is a famous english proverb
To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine.
I assumed both partners are equally human.

You may only know divine souls, i deal with human beings everyday. My wife is a volunteer for abused people (for PIO in usa).
We hear of all kinds of mental, financial, and physical abuse even going to murder. So please do not tell me that one spouse (generally wife) has to bear it and put up with it. I wish you came with us to one of our field trips you will see the true color.

Take a look at this sample.
http://www.rediff.com/news/2003/mar/08spec.htm

Sita (not her real name) came to the US on a fiancée visa, after getting engaged to a man her parents, back home in India, thought suitable. Little did this conventional Indian girl, who could not even speak much English, expect that her fiancé would demand oral sex soon after she arrived. When she refused, he began beating her. His parents, who were also in the US and knew what was happening, looked the other way. Finally, her Indian Gods helped her: a friend she met at a temple introduced her to a voluntary organisation helping abused women in the US. They rescued her.

I can only give personal references from USA, may be all marriages in India are "sacred".
May be this is anti-India propaganda site
http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report_sex-abuse-by-husbands-in-spotlight_1644031

 

[sravna]

I am sorry I thought both partners in a marriage are equal. There is a famous english proverb
To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine.
I assumed both partners are equally human.

You may only know divine souls, i deal with human beings everyday. My wife is a volunteer for abused people (for PIO in usa).
We hear of all kinds of mental, financial, and physical abuse even going to murder. So please do not tell me that one spouse (generally wife) has to bear it and put up with it. I wish you came with us to one of our field trips you will see the true color.

Take a look at this sample.
Indian women continue to be abused in the US

Sita (not her real name) came to the US on a fiancée visa, after getting engaged to a man her parents, back home in India, thought suitable. Little did this conventional Indian girl, who could not even speak much English, expect that her fiancé would demand oral sex soon after she arrived. When she refused, he began beating her. His parents, who were also in the US and knew what was happening, looked the other way. Finally, her Indian Gods helped her: a friend she met at a temple introduced her to a voluntary organisation helping abused women in the US. They rescued her.

I can only give personal references from USA, may be all marriages in India are "sacred".
May be this is anti-India propaganda site
Sex abuse by husbands in spotlight - India - DNA

Yes I accept we are dealing with humans. But let us not corrupt their minds and make them believe even before marriage that it can be dispensed with at will. Let us not get into a vicious circle by breeding thoughts which will only make the matters worse. When there is no hope there is nothing left.

 

[prasad1]

Yes I accept we are dealing with humans. But let us not corrupt their minds and make them believe even before marriage that it can be dispensed with at will. Let us not get into a vicious circle by breeding thoughts which will only make the matters worse. When there is no hope there is nothing left.

I guess you wanted the last word.
When there is no hope then only it is divorce, otherwise it is

work in progress

called marriage.

 

[C RAVI]

When we say that, attaching significance to the spouse relationship with sense of love, respect and care is the most warranted attitude to give true meaning to the relationship and live a happy, peaceful and contented life, it is applicable to both Men and Women.


When we make such an assertion considering the wellbieng of human and human relationships, for the family to grow well in harmony and in turn the society to be healthy, we expect both Men and Women to accept such a mental make up for the good of self and the others.


It does not mean to emphasis that Women need to bear the attrocities just to hold on to the nasty and meaningless relationship with a cruel man as a wife and with a volgur/perverted man whose fantasies she is not willing to share.

Divorce is must when it is most warrented. A Man suffering hell in the hands of wife and a Woman suffering hell in the hands of husband has to find their peaceful way out. When the situation is too bad and nothing can be reveresed for the better, a solution to put an end is the must. Any human with common sense and sense of humanity would vouch for such an approach.

The increasing number of Divroces in India on the grounds of EGO, Misunderstanding, confusions etc..etc. at the drop of a hat, by both men and women, having financial independency, wide network of friends and mates in social circle etc is causing concern to the society. For this very reason, many are yearning to see the sense of higher maturity and sense of reverance in Men and Women towards the most valuable, cherishable, adorable and meaningful relationship such that divorces does not occur without any reasonable grounds byond tolerance and possiblities of establishing happy relationship.

 

[sravna]

These are my concluding thoughts:

One's existence has to be in harmony with whatever it is associated with. The solution is to figure how to achieve such a harmony. Of course we are all humans and make make mistakes in our judgement. But at least let not those judgements be driven by something which inherently is in tension towards a harmonious existence. Let us start with the resolve to make a relationship work and not start with the notion that it is alright if it does not work. That I think might make a difference. The problem with today's society is that we are getting lax in a number of things and that I am afraid is not good for us. We need freedom but it seems now, more than that we need discipline. Freedom can ruin you but discipline can't.

 

[suraju06]

Mr. Rich Raju you are a good source of something, I am sure I will find out.

You wrote
1.dedicated or set apart for the service or worship of deity(a tree **** to the gods)
This must be from a Hinglish dictionary. Only In India you worship a tree. But still it is religious.
2. devoted exclusively to one service or use(as of a person or purpose)(a fund **** to charity)
Again in older times all charities were in relation with religious activity.
3.worthy of religious veneration
4.entitled to reverence and respect
5.of or relating to religion-not secular or profane (**** music)
6.unassailable, inviolable
7.highly valued and important(a **** responsibility)

My point is that word sacred comes from religious significance only, and is not commonly used in secular usage.
I suppose for an atheist there is nothing sacred (i am only guessing).

Dear Prasad,

1)Please refer to page no.1035 of Webster's Nineth New Collegiate Dictionary published by Merriam-Webster Inc.,Springfield, Massachusetts, U.S. I do not know whether it is a Hinglish Dictionary and by the way what is Hinglish?
2)A tree is worshipped not only in India. In srilanka too they worship a tree brought to the island by an ambassador from Ashoka's court.
3)I do not deny that the word sacred is used in religious contexts too. My only contention is that it is not exclusive to religion. The Webster Dictionary gives ample proof of the correctness of my contention.
4)I am just a poor Raju shining in the reflected glory of great men and women of India. I look for knowledge and give in this forum whatever I have learnt from the great souls.I am eager to know what you are going to find out. I cant wait!!

 

[prasad1]

The increasing number of Divroces in India on the grounds of EGO, Misunderstanding, confusions etc..etc. at the drop of a hat, by both men and women, having financial independency, wide network of friends and mates in social circle etc is causing concern to the society. For this very reason, many are yearning to see the sense of higher maturity and sense of reverance in Men and Women towards the most valuable, cherishable, adorable and meaningful relationship such that divorces does not occur without any reasonable grounds byond tolerance and possiblities of establishing happy relationship.

If the decease did not kill the patient surely the treatment will kill.

Divorce is only when all means of happy relationship has been explored and exhausted. It is arrogance to think that people recourse to divorce "at drop of the hat". Like Mr. Biswa wrote even in the western world there is a lot of hardship on divorces.
Please give the grieving party some respect, we are not in their place to judge their actions. I do not think we as observers with limited view have the right to judge other (unless you think you are God).

 

[suraju06]

Prasad in post # 203:

If two people of their own free will stayed in a relationship that is sacred to both of them.​

Why should they "stay"? Two people can come together in a relationship any number of times and the two people need not the same pair always. What prevents you from calling it sacred? I think the word "stay" is brought in because without that word the free will enthusiasts feel uncomfortable somehow.

Cheers.

 

[prasad1]

2)A tree is worshipped not only in India. In srilanka too they worship a tree brought to the island by an ambassador from Ashoka's court.

I suppose I should have included Sri Lanka, Bali, Nepal. I assumed by quoting India I meant all Indian based religion consider Tree as sacred. That includes Sanatan Dharma, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism and some others I am not aware of.

 

[C RAVI]

If the decease did not kill the patient surely the treatment will kill.

Divorce is only when all means of happy relationship has been explored and exhausted. It is arrogance to think that people recourse to divorce "at drop of the hat". Like Mr. Biswa wrote even in the western world there is a lot of hardship on divorces.
Please give the grieving party some respect, we are not in their place to judge their actions. I do not think we as observers with limited view have the right to judge other (unless you think you are God).

One who could know the present day happenings in India would understand the agony of parents who have married off their girls and boys.

Many young couples are into divorce within 3 months to 3 years of marriage. Many of these folks are from Software, BPO and Call Centre work culture. The reasons of which could not be figured out correctly by the parents of these married men and women themselves. Many such marriages are getting terminated without even giving the valid reasons to their own parents. These married folks have their liberty with their rational brain to decide what is good for them and how long that can be considered good for them. And would terminate the marriage as per their own convinience.

One need not to consider onself as GOD or a perfect judge to be aware of such happenings in India and to express concern over such attitudes of married couples. One should just be well informed and be concerned of the humans in the society. After all the concern expressed here are not to insult erring folks BUT out of pity on them and on their parents. And to be concerned about the positive changes in the society.

One should have the caliber to see all different happenings with all different reasons. Getting stuck only with the idea of supporting Divorce for the sake of relief of genuinly grieving party is not the wise way to identify the actual trend and to ponder over what is going right and what is going wrong and how & why.

(It is enough for you to be a human, a wise human with the capacity to have a broader understanding and the sense of reponsibility that alone can help you to be in sync with a healthy society.)

 

[tks]

The quote summarizes your point but one can repeatedly argue against something and may not be hypocritical. I don't see the type of connection that you are trying to make.

Word 'sacred' is like a double edged sword. In one context it can evoke respect. In another context it can be used to inflict pain and feel righteous doing so overriding the feelings of empathy we are endowed with. Even the so called terrorists are confused Allah-Bhakthas doing 'sacred work' of killing the infidels.

If Marriage as an institution is 'sacred' and a woman who is married is considered an icon of prosperity, the human mind in a society has found ways to severely discriminate those that are single for life, those that are gay or those that have lost their spouse , or those women whose husbands have left them for whatever reason ... .

There are untold hurt inflicted at a woman who has lost her husband in our society that worships the marriage as an institution.

It is one thing to value an institution and live those values - it is another thing to pass judgement on others (e.g., those in Westerns Society lack morals and will drop relationships at the drop of a hat). Such a judgement comes in my view from lack of knowledge or experience and is not sanctioned in any of our scriptures.

Human mind is capable of using 'scriptural' references and then use this to create hurt in the name of protecting a 'sacred' institution. This happens in all religions including our own.

In fact we have bigger issues often given the apparent complexity of our vast scriptural base. To believe our scriptures are inerrant is a problem. The fact that they are inerrant has to be discovered and that takes lifetime of effort. But with half knowledge and while making up things into a custom belief system some Hindus live in a bubble.

And their attitudes are not only shaped by this bubble but also because of human insecurity (which is universal) that causes them to inflict pain on others with a rationalization of their belief system.

With this backdrop (and I do not expect you to either agree ) my point is that if someone repeatedly talks about 'sacred this or sacred that' there tends to be different emotions at play. There are no absolutes though in what I have stated. Exceptions are possible. It all has to do with intentions behind a person repeating what may come across as a judgement of others.

All commitments we make and all duties we face in life have to be taken seriously for our own growth. They have to executed with the right attitude for our growth. Marriage is about making a commitment that has to be taken seriously for welfare of children and society. But this is a prescription for the person making the commitment and not to be used to pass judgement on others for their status.

I do not expect you to agree or disagree with understanding, so I will not debate this anymore.

But I wanted to explain my comment with as much as detail as possible since I understood that you asked for that.

Regards

 

[prasad1]

Each and every one of us that dwell on this earth must stop prejudice feelings and slandering anyone we feel is different or has different beliefs then ourselves.
The God complex, has plagued humanity from the beginning of time, is going to terminate the world.

 

[prasad1]

Word 'sacred' is like a double edged sword. In one context it can evoke respect. In another context it can be used to inflict pain and feel righteous doing so overriding the feelings of empathy we are endowed with. Even the so called terrorists are confused Allah-Bhakthas doing 'sacred work' of killing the infidels.

If Marriage as an institution is 'sacred' and a woman who is married is considered an icon of prosperity, the human mind in a society has found ways to severely discriminate those that are single for life, those that are gay or those that have lost their spouse , or those women whose husbands have left them for whatever reason ... .

There are untold hurt inflicted at a woman who has lost her husband in our society that worships the marriage as an institution.

It is one thing to value an institution and live those values - it is another thing to pass judgement on others (e.g., those in Westerns Society lack morals and will drop relationships at the drop of a hat). Such a judgement comes in my view from lack of knowledge or experience and is not sanctioned in any of our scriptures.

Human mind is capable of using 'scriptural' references and then use this to create hurt in the name of protecting a 'sacred' institution. This happens in all religions including our own.

In fact we have bigger issues often given the apparent complexity of our vast scriptural base. To believe our scriptures are inerrant is a problem. The fact that they are inerrant has to be discovered and that takes lifetime of effort. But with half knowledge and while making up things into a custom belief system some Hindus live in a bubble.

And their attitudes are not only shaped by this bubble but also because of human insecurity (which is universal) that causes them to inflict pain on others with a rationalization of their belief system.

With this backdrop (and I do not expect you to either agree ) my point is that if someone repeatedly talks about 'sacred this or sacred that' there tends to be different emotions at play. There are no absolutes though in what I have stated. Exceptions are possible. It all has to do with intentions behind a person repeating what may come across as a judgement of others.

All commitments we make and all duties we face in life have to be taken seriously for our own growth. They have to executed with the right attitude for our growth. Marriage is about making a commitment that has to be taken seriously for welfare of children and society. But this is a prescription for the person making the commitment and not to be used to pass judgement on others for their status.

I do not expect you to agree or disagree with understanding, so I will not debate this anymore.

But I wanted to explain my comment with as much as detail as possible since I understood that you asked for that.

Regards

Well said.

 

[sravna]

Word 'sacred' is like a double edged sword. In one context it can evoke respect. In another context it can be used to inflict pain and feel righteous doing so overriding the feelings of empathy we are endowed with. Even the so called terrorists are confused Allah-Bhakthas doing 'sacred work' of killing the infidels.

If Marriage as an institution is 'sacred' and a woman who is married is considered an icon of prosperity, the human mind in a society has found ways to severely discriminate those that are single for life, those that are gay or those that have lost their spouse , or those women whose husbands have left them for whatever reason ... .

There are untold hurt inflicted at a woman who has lost her husband in our society that worships the marriage as an institution.

It is one thing to value an institution and live those values - it is another thing to pass judgement on others (e.g., those in Westerns Society lack morals and will drop relationships at the drop of a hat). Such a judgement comes in my view from lack of knowledge or experience and is not sanctioned in any of our scriptures.

Human mind is capable of using 'scriptural' references and then use this to create hurt in the name of protecting a 'sacred' institution. This happens in all religions including our own.

In fact we have bigger issues often given the apparent complexity of our vast scriptural base. To believe our scriptures are inerrant is a problem. The fact that they are inerrant has to be discovered and that takes lifetime of effort. But with half knowledge and while making up things into a custom belief system some Hindus live in a bubble.

And their attitudes are not only shaped by this bubble but also because of human insecurity (which is universal) that causes them to inflict pain on others with a rationalization of their belief system.

With this backdrop (and I do not expect you to either agree ) my point is that if someone repeatedly talks about 'sacred this or sacred that' there tends to be different emotions at play. There are no absolutes though in what I have stated. Exceptions are possible. It all has to do with intentions behind a person repeating what may come across as a judgement of others.

All commitments we make and all duties we face in life have to be taken seriously for our own growth. They have to executed with the right attitude for our growth. Marriage is about making a commitment that has to be taken seriously for welfare of children and society. But this is a prescription for the person making the commitment and not to be used to pass judgement on others for their status.

I do not expect you to agree or disagree with understanding, so I will not debate this anymore.

But I wanted to explain my comment with as much as detail as possible since I understood that you asked for that.

Regards

Any way there is no point in arguing with a person who is closed to a counter opinion.

 

[tks]

Any way there is no point in arguing with a person who is closed to a counter opinion.

I agree, I have seen your opinion and views from other posts in this thread alone.
If you have anything new to say as a counter opinion I will be interested. I did not want to debate if the points are again those you have already made elsewhere a few times..

 

[Raghy]

Greetings.

The conversation is very interesting.

In my humble opinion, the individuals are the ones who decide what is 'sacred'. Sacred need not be religion oriented nor divine sanctioned.

Not only matrimony, but any relationship can be cherished as 'sacred'. Most important thing is, if both parties think it is sacred, any relationship would stay fresh. May not wither away.

I value every relationship. Sometimes I walked away from relationships too if the other member had not extended same amount of value towards the relationship.

With respect to the OP of this thread... I am a father. Recently there was a wedding in our family. We, the parents like to see the youngsters enjoy their life and like to see them getting more and more closer. We will be more than happy to bend backwards to accomodate that.

100% acceptance was not present from our parents during our wedding. We the youngsters took our relationship very seriously. As a husband, I have to say the youngsters mentioned in the OP had not taken the relationship that seriously.

Our youngsters have to understand the seriousness in any relationship including matrimonial. We don't think much about spending few long years to develop a career but even hlf the time is not spent in developing a serious relationship. Most of us may not have liked our career in the beginning but we had perseverance in excelling in such a career.... why can't we apply the same perseverance in every relationship we undertake?

Cheers!

 

[SANDHYAV]

Astrology and psycholoogy: Would like professionals in Astrologty to comment a bit more as to what it involves. For sure a few hours of astrology sitting will lift someone who is depressed from Mars to Ashwini to Karthik.

 

[sravna]

Word 'sacred' is like a double edged sword. In one context it can evoke respect. In another context it can be used to inflict pain and feel righteous doing so overriding the feelings of empathy we are endowed with. Even the so called terrorists are confused Allah-Bhakthas doing 'sacred work' of killing the infidels.

If Marriage as an institution is 'sacred' and a woman who is married is considered an icon of prosperity, the human mind in a society has found ways to severely discriminate those that are single for life, those that are gay or those that have lost their spouse , or those women whose husbands have left them for whatever reason ... .

There are untold hurt inflicted at a woman who has lost her husband in our society that worships the marriage as an institution.



It is one thing to value an institution and live those values - it is another thing to pass judgement on others (e.g., those in Westerns Society lack morals and will drop relationships at the drop of a hat). Such a judgement comes in my view from lack of knowledge or experience and is not sanctioned in any of our scriptures.

Human mind is capable of using 'scriptural' references and then use this to create hurt in the name of protecting a 'sacred' institution. This happens in all religions including our own.

In fact we have bigger issues often given the apparent complexity of our vast scriptural base. To believe our scriptures are inerrant is a problem. The fact that they are inerrant has to be discovered and that takes lifetime of effort. But with half knowledge and while making up things into a custom belief system some Hindus live in a bubble.

And their attitudes are not only shaped by this bubble but also because of human insecurity (which is universal) that causes them to inflict pain on others with a rationalization of their belief system.

With this backdrop (and I do not expect you to either agree ) my point is that if someone repeatedly talks about 'sacred this or sacred that' there tends to be different emotions at play. There are no absolutes though in what I have stated. Exceptions are possible. It all has to do with intentions behind a person repeating what may come across as a judgement of others.

All commitments we make and all duties we face in life have to be taken seriously for our own growth. They have to executed with the right attitude for our growth. Marriage is about making a commitment that has to be taken seriously for welfare of children and society. But this is a prescription for the person making the commitment and not to be used to pass judgement on others for their status.

I do not expect you to agree or disagree with understanding, so I will not debate this anymore.

But I wanted to explain my comment with as much as detail as possible since I understood that you asked for that.

Regards

Dear Shri TKS,

A certain school of thought could be sound in principle but not so the way it is practiced. The intention of creating marriage is based on sound principles , ones which seek to promote concord in the relationship with one's life partner and hence concord in society. Since families are the building blocks of a society, this has implications thus for not only the persons involved in the marriage but for the society at large. So if the family is not strong and breaks frequently, so will the society sooner or later.

I accept there have been unintended and harmful consequences that have spun out of this practice of life time commitment. But imo these are something which can be addressed as the problems are more at the surface than something really deep. I am sure one who genuinely believes in the philosophy of marriage will be open to and correct any malapplications of the concept.

But look at the alternatives you have ? like the live-in and similar concepts. As I said these are not equipped to serve as the building blocks of society. They do not really foster unity or the practice of really accommodating each other. Why do you want to shun from the task of setting things right which can be set right and instead go for new alternatives?

imo the practice of marriage needs support now than ever before because there are so many divisive forces operating now than ever. The same can be said of such practices which are aimed at unity and stability and they are something that needs to be protected given such divisive forces.

 

[SANDHYAV]

Just to debate the opposite.

Marriage ceremony is a business, has got nothing to with future prospects of the couple ( extreme version ). the sentence can be toned down significantly. If the couple is floating around migrating, this ceremony is baseless.

In Tamil the misuse of the proverb " ayiram poi solli oru thirumanam pannunga " is widely prevalent now a days. Parents do not disclose defects in siblings.

society will have lifestyle and work style. the life style of a couple will depend on the economic status and societal back up. present day society has enough back up for all and sundry.

 

[tbs]

hi
the most of the ceremony a show off....vedic ritual limited....simple marriage has always a beauty.....sometimes more often....license to live together..

certified by the marriage court....