senthil,
let us clarify that we are talking of the same group here ie tamil brahmin girls in their twenties, who, since past 10 -15 years or so, have asserted themselves, to have a positive say in whom they wish to marry. to find a mate is the most basic of all instincts and over the centuries this right, even though well mentioned in the ancient texts of india and tamil nadu, was usurped by the parents - for both girls and boys.
today, the world has changed a lot, and i believe strongly, for the better. one of the biggest revolutions of post independent india is the unshackling of women. initially it started with daughters of the rich, and then within a generation percolated to the middle class especially tambrams.
since the 1970s, i suspect that hardly any middle class tambram household had a girl who did not pursue studies beyond sslc (+2 in modern lexicon). keeping one in ignorance is the best to keep one enslaved. i know of a lady, who stood first in the whole of madras in sslc, but was forced into wedding at 16 by her doctor father (incidentally a famous doctor at that).
the old man never understood the bitterness of the woman, when all her younger brothers and the last kadai kutti sister was allowed to purse higher studies. in a short period of 10 years the situation had changed. i can enumerate similar experiences in several families known to me.
what the society did not realize, with education, came knowledge, entry at a mid level in the workforce, ability to think, and ultimately the confidence that goes with knowledge and empowerment.
i do not know if you are aware, starting in the 70s, almost every middle class tambram matrimonial ad wanted a working wife, because everyone understood the value of added income to rise in standards. the girls then were new to this game, and many including my several cousins, entered the workforce from clerks upwards, but dutifully handed their wages paychecks to their hubby or mother in law and never heard of it anymore.
come the 90s and the IT revolution. you had a generation of girls, who beat the boys in their own game. also they had mothers, who knew how THEY were duped, and would not let the same happen to their daughters.
. i personally think it is the mothers (God Bless them) who are the guiding hand and anchor support for the tambram girls to venture forth to explore the wedded world beyond their own caste. just my own gut feeling and i wish to be clarified or challenged here.
most of the girls with working mothers, have a sense of empowerment passed on maternally, and you cannot get them married off at 18 anymore to be a docile house servant of the inlaws. those days are gone in tambram culture.
again i suspect, that a vast majority of the girls, like my neices in chennai recently, find boys within the caste. you don't hear much of them because they are not newsworthy. the ones whom every one finds tittillating enough to wag their tongues, are those that either have parents whose values are very much similar to yours.
my parents household was like that. i remember my mother admonishing to the general world, of a marriage betwen iyer and iyengars - how will the girl fold her madisars and abachaaram it would like in any public function (she meant pondugal idal function which tambram women conduct at the start of any auspicious function like marriage or seemandham). she used to swear just at the thought of my sister even 'looking' at a nair (mom was brought up in north malabar) and in my mind i used to whisper to myself 'what if she liked a christian or muslim?). incidentally my sis had a love marriage with a tambram boy blessed by my parents. just to calm the pulse of certain minded folks in this forum.
there are folks like you, who feel foremost, that the identity of the caste or the tribe is primary, and to this extent the woman has to be subordinate. have you heard of honour killings among the muslims? or even the jats of north india?
it is not much dissimilar from your values. that the girl who elopes with another caste boy, particluarly if he is deemed 'inferior' to that of hers, off her head, along with his. is that what you are advocating? otherwise how will you stop young modern women of your community if they want to marry tambram boys?
suppose your sister or daughter wishes to marry a tambram boy, would you force her to give in to your standards, like the way the tambram girl's parents did when she wanted to marry a gounder? and lived to regret it when she ended up being sick? that story had a happy ending, but you and i can imagine thousands that are not.
should you not, as an educated and cultured man, reach out to such folks, atleast through words in forum as these, and call for an understanding of such feelings. after all, we are all hindus. we go to the same temple. say the same prayers. why is it that when it comes to marriage we have to differentiate between us?
as a parting note, i wish you would answer, not the previous paragraph, but the one before that. i hope you don't mind. thank you.
let us clarify that we are talking of the same group here ie tamil brahmin girls in their twenties, who, since past 10 -15 years or so, have asserted themselves, to have a positive say in whom they wish to marry. to find a mate is the most basic of all instincts and over the centuries this right, even though well mentioned in the ancient texts of india and tamil nadu, was usurped by the parents - for both girls and boys.
today, the world has changed a lot, and i believe strongly, for the better. one of the biggest revolutions of post independent india is the unshackling of women. initially it started with daughters of the rich, and then within a generation percolated to the middle class especially tambrams.
since the 1970s, i suspect that hardly any middle class tambram household had a girl who did not pursue studies beyond sslc (+2 in modern lexicon). keeping one in ignorance is the best to keep one enslaved. i know of a lady, who stood first in the whole of madras in sslc, but was forced into wedding at 16 by her doctor father (incidentally a famous doctor at that).
the old man never understood the bitterness of the woman, when all her younger brothers and the last kadai kutti sister was allowed to purse higher studies. in a short period of 10 years the situation had changed. i can enumerate similar experiences in several families known to me.
what the society did not realize, with education, came knowledge, entry at a mid level in the workforce, ability to think, and ultimately the confidence that goes with knowledge and empowerment.
i do not know if you are aware, starting in the 70s, almost every middle class tambram matrimonial ad wanted a working wife, because everyone understood the value of added income to rise in standards. the girls then were new to this game, and many including my several cousins, entered the workforce from clerks upwards, but dutifully handed their wages paychecks to their hubby or mother in law and never heard of it anymore.
come the 90s and the IT revolution. you had a generation of girls, who beat the boys in their own game. also they had mothers, who knew how THEY were duped, and would not let the same happen to their daughters.
. i personally think it is the mothers (God Bless them) who are the guiding hand and anchor support for the tambram girls to venture forth to explore the wedded world beyond their own caste. just my own gut feeling and i wish to be clarified or challenged here. most of the girls with working mothers, have a sense of empowerment passed on maternally, and you cannot get them married off at 18 anymore to be a docile house servant of the inlaws. those days are gone in tambram culture.
again i suspect, that a vast majority of the girls, like my neices in chennai recently, find boys within the caste. you don't hear much of them because they are not newsworthy. the ones whom every one finds tittillating enough to wag their tongues, are those that either have parents whose values are very much similar to yours.
my parents household was like that. i remember my mother admonishing to the general world, of a marriage betwen iyer and iyengars - how will the girl fold her madisars and abachaaram it would like in any public function (she meant pondugal idal function which tambram women conduct at the start of any auspicious function like marriage or seemandham). she used to swear just at the thought of my sister even 'looking' at a nair (mom was brought up in north malabar) and in my mind i used to whisper to myself 'what if she liked a christian or muslim?). incidentally my sis had a love marriage with a tambram boy blessed by my parents. just to calm the pulse of certain minded folks in this forum.
there are folks like you, who feel foremost, that the identity of the caste or the tribe is primary, and to this extent the woman has to be subordinate. have you heard of honour killings among the muslims? or even the jats of north india?
it is not much dissimilar from your values. that the girl who elopes with another caste boy, particluarly if he is deemed 'inferior' to that of hers, off her head, along with his. is that what you are advocating? otherwise how will you stop young modern women of your community if they want to marry tambram boys?
suppose your sister or daughter wishes to marry a tambram boy, would you force her to give in to your standards, like the way the tambram girl's parents did when she wanted to marry a gounder? and lived to regret it when she ended up being sick? that story had a happy ending, but you and i can imagine thousands that are not.
should you not, as an educated and cultured man, reach out to such folks, atleast through words in forum as these, and call for an understanding of such feelings. after all, we are all hindus. we go to the same temple. say the same prayers. why is it that when it comes to marriage we have to differentiate between us?
as a parting note, i wish you would answer, not the previous paragraph, but the one before that. i hope you don't mind. thank you.
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